10/8/2013
I don't know what happened last night. This is what I think happened. I know I said he could sleep in my bed with me. And I know I got changed in front of him… I mean I wasn't facing him… But I did it. I was wearing something a little slutty too. I was wearing the green nightgown, that shows my nipples a little. I don't know what I was thinking. It was so stupid of me! Then he kissed me later. Later, I don't know if I was asleep or not for this but he said he loved me! Then we were… together. I think that was a dream though. For some reason he doesn't hate me even though he knows, but I doubt he loves me. And I hope I'll be positive that I actually had sex my first time with House. I hope I didn't. I want to know, but I can't ask him! If we did it'll hurt him if I didn't remember, and if we didn't I'll never live down a wet dream with House! He wouldn't let me live it down. I guess I'll find out if he tries again.
Are you fucking kidding me! I JUST got out of the bathroom! My father was here again! He made me do it again. I called House and he got here, but not on time… He came in in the middle of it. I was half naked and crying! I've never been more scared and embarrassed at the same time. He's still somewhere… I don't know where. He brought me in here then went back out. I have a cut lip and a black eye. House is coming back. Shit I haven't even put pants on yet!
Great! There was a police officer too! He called the cops! Now everyone will know! I can't live with that. I don't want to live with that. I can't stay, and I can't leave. Whenever someone looks me up they'll see what my dad did to me before anything else. I'd almost rather not live at all. My friends will know, and they might leave. And if they don't they'll never be the same around me again. And House… he knew, but it's different when you see. It's so much more scary, more real. I don't know how he'll respond. I hope he doesn't leave. I need him. Not that I'd ever want him to know that. He's coming back now…
No! No… He stole my journal… Now he knows everything. How I feel… The things I never wanted anyone to know. Going to write everything he says. And now he's reading over my shoulder. Why does everyone do that?
"You write in here more than you tell me."
Maybe that's because I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!
"You love me?"
Stop.
"You were going to ask me out?"
Shut up.
"You don't know if we had sex or not last night?"
"Shut Up House!"
"We didn't."
"Good… I mean. Ok."
"Good?"
"Well… I mean…" I just want to be able to remember it. And I want to be ready. I'm not ready for sex yet.
"Oh. Ok. But you had a dream about it. You dreamed I'd be with you."
Shut up!
"I like it. I like that you had a dream about me touching you."
"Shut up!"
"Do you want me too now?"
"NO!"
"Why not?"
Because I'm not ready. And we aren't even dating.
"We could be, if you wanted too. I'm not going to stop talking to you because your dad is an asshole. That's not your fault."
Are you asking me out?
"Do you want me too?"
Just answer the damn question.
"Cuddy will you go out with me?"
"Yes! Wait… Do you really want too? Or do you just want to make me feel better? You don't have too."
"Have I ever tried to make you feel better without benefiting myself Cuddy?"
"You're answering my question with another question. You only do that when you don't want to answer the question."
"Cuddy, I like you. I want to date you."
"Why… I didn't mean to say that out loud…"
"You're amazing. Don't you know that? Why wouldn't I want to date you?"
Because I'm messed up. I'll always be messed up.
"And I'm not?"
No. You aren't.
"Then you aren't."
You have experience. I don't. You know what to do no matter what you do. I don't always know what to do. You're always so confident. You'd never let something bad happen to you when you can control it.
"You really blame yourself for that?! That was no one but your father's fault!"
He used ME. I could have stopped him. Resisted. I could have done something to stop him. I could have run away. I let it happen.
"Cuddy you can't really believe that! He used you. You couldn't have controlled that. It's the abusers fault not the victims."
Tell that to everyone who's known and left my life because of it. They blame me, why shouldn't I? I mean it was my body.
"Cuddy no one blames you! No one you need to think about anyways."
My mom will blame me!
"Then she doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you."
Everyone will know…
"Screw what they think."
It matters to me!
"Well that's a problem. Just don't let anyone find out."
How? I can't stop people from using google! The arrest report will be online. When you search my name it'll be the first thing that comes up. I don't want that!
"You don't want to live like that. You almost don't want to live? You aren't thinking about suicide?"
Almost don't want to live. I'm fine. I won't kill myself. I know better, I'm not an idiot. I might not be happy but I'm not that depressed either.
"Why did you put that down anyways?"
Because it's how I feel and no one else was supposed to read my personal journal! Why did you take it anyways? No one is supposed to read it!
"Journal? More like Diary. Oh and I really like the drawings in the front. You're an amazing artist. Is that really what you look like almost naked? It's sexy. Did you want me to see you that close to nude? Why shouldn't I read it? It's almost all about me anyways."
Shut up. It's not all about you.
"Most of it is!"
Not all of it. And it's not my fault you annoy me the most.
"House kissed me. He kissed me! Kissed me! I don't know why, but he did? That doesn't sound very annoyed. And you don't look very annoyed in those drawings. You look sexy, and exited but not annoyed."
Shut up.
"Do you want to know why I kissed you?"
No I want you to not know I don't know why! I want you to not know what my father did to me. I want you not to know Cameron had to come over and help me. I want you not to know how I feel about you. I want you not to know about the drawings. I want you not to know how I feel about the police. I want you not to know I had a wet dream about us. I want you not to know about anything in here!
"Well I do. And I still like you. I kissed you because I wanted to know if you'd kiss me back. And you did."
So what? I wish you didn't know anything about me.
"Why not? I mean… Never mind. I can leave you alone."
"House, no! That's not what I mean."
"Then what the hell did you mean?!"
"I meant I wish you only knew what I want you to know. I'm messed up. I don't want you to know how messed up. You know more of it than I want you too."
"I don't care. I like you anyways. I don't care how messed up you are."
It matters to me. I'm too messed up for you to love like me.
"You aren't."
Sometimes my dad would use me, and I it would the sex…
"What about it?"
It felt… not bad…
"So what? Sex shouldn't hurt."
"It shouldn't be with your father either!" It shouldn't feel ok when he touches me. He has no right to touch me! He shouldn't have made it not hurt all the time! I shouldn't have felt good. Ever. Even occasionally.
"It's ok Cuddy. It's not your fault. He shouldn't have done it at all."
"Don't touch me!"
"I'm sorry… I didn't realize…"
"Yeah. I know. But don't."
"Ok… Do you want to stay here or go to work?"
"I want to go to work."
"Ok."
"Go away."
"Fine. I'll be in your room."
"Fine."
Why does he have to yell at me! I didn't WANT him to read the journal! I'm a grown woman, what I do isn't his business anyways! He's always scolding me for my life choices. Like he has anything to do with them… I mean he does but he doesn't get to make them for me! He can't ever say, "Oh thats good for you Cuddy." Or "Congratulations." He has to make sure he's an ass instead. On another note, HE ASKED ME OUT! I can't say yes, Can I? I mean I could mess up everything by doing that. What if we don't last? What if he tries to go to far? What if he reads my journal again? What if I say or do something stupid and he hates me for it? What if I do something to please him and I hate myself for it? I can't do that again. I don't want to hate myself. It just kind of happens, and it's so hard to get out of. I should probably get ready now.
Great. I was pregnant with in vitro and I had a miscarriage today, and I didn't notice until I was making out with House and Wilson came in. Now they both know everything. I couldn't say it was just my period because I started to cry when I noticed. And House was trying to convince me that I was pregnant the whole ride to work. He was so cocky when he found out he was right. It's stupid, but cute. I decided that I'm not going to go out with him, not yet anyways. He asked to stay over though, and I said yes. Yesterday when he slept over he tried not to let me see his leg. I think he's ashamed of it even though it's all my fault that it even exists.
