Catharsis
Set a few days after Picking Up Pieces. Kaidan knows everything isn't fine between him and Garrus. So he makes a plan.
Thanks again to VakarianGirl, who fed me e-booze and told me I COULD DO IT!
Shepard may have thought that everything would be okay because she said it had to be, but Kaidan knew better.
He could see the way Garrus watched him whenever they were in the room together, the subconscious fisting of the turian's hand whenever Kaidan came too close to Shepard. He knew Garrus was trying to pretend everything was normal, trying to do what Shepard wanted and ignore everything that had happened.
It wasn't working.
It didn't help, of course, that apparently the whole ship knew something had happened between the three of them. It must have looked strange from outside, the cautious dance he was treading with Garrus and Shepard, and the way Chakwas' eyes would narrow whenever she looked at him.
Kaidan felt time running out. Soon Shepard would have to leave the ship, and she would take Kaidan and Garrus with her. As always. And with things the way they were between them, he didn't see a way for it to go well.
So with three days left before they reached Rannoch, Kaidan fired up the extranet, did some research, and made a plan. It wasn't a good plan, and Shepard would be furious, but it was the only thing that had a chance of working.
He went to the Battery and waited for Garrus to notice him. The turian kept him waiting for almost a minute before he looked up. And there it was, the flare of rage in his eyes, the way his hands clenched as he saw Kaidan. They could pretend for Shepard's sake that everything was okay but in here, alone with no eyes to see, it was obvious that they were as far from okay as it got.
"Alenko," Garrus said. "What do you want?" His voice was cold and emotionless, but his eyes burned.
Kaidan gulped at the expression on the turian's face, and his hands clenched into fists at his side. But he did it; he raised his chin and bared his throat to Garrus. He'd read up on turian body language, and the signals were as clear as his human body could make them.
"Atonement," he breathed. There were more words to the ritual, a great many more, but they didn't translate and his mouth just couldn't make the proper sounds. So he skipped smoothly over the parts he didn't understand and couldn't have said aloud if he did and said, "I have wronged the nest. I need to be scourged."
He'd never seen such an expression of shock on Garrus' face.
"Kaidan, you don't…" but Kaidan spoke over him.
"Will you spar with me, nestbrother?"
There was a moment of silence. Garrus stared at him blankly. He'd probably never expected Kaidan to go as far as researching ritual turian apologies. Three months ago, Kaidan would never imagined that he would do it.
"Do you know what you're asking, Kaidan?"
Kaidan nodded.
"We can't go into battle like this, Garrus. We need to settle things between us one way or another."
"Shepard says-"
"Shepard wishes everything would go back to the way they were, and if wishes were fishes," Kaidan said, "we'd all cast nets."
Garrus stared.
"What?"
Kaidan fought the blush but it came anyway, and he looked at his feet.
"Something my grandmother said. It means that wishing won't make it happen. We have to make it happen. We have to…to make ourselves be okay again."
"And you think this…" Garrus waved a helpless hand at Kaidan, still standing with his throat bared,"is the way to do it?"
Kaidan nodded.
Garrus sighed.
"Well, I can't refuse you. You should really apologizing to Shepard, though."
"She'd say nothing's wrong. She doesn't understand."
"And you think I do?"
Kaidan nodded.
"You're an idiot, then," Garrus said. "Come with me."
He stalked out of the Battery and Kaidan followed him through the mess hall and into the elevator. Kaidan held himself very still as Garrus ordered the elevator to take them down to the armoury. If he moved, he would bolt, or throw up, or start crying. He had known what he was getting into when he'd made the offer. He just hadn't thought he'd be this scared.
The elevator door slid open an age later, and Vega and Cortez looked up as Garrus stepped out, Kaidan on his heels.
"James," Garrus said tightly, nodding at Vega. "Steve."
"Hey, Scars. What's up?"
"Just a little discussion between me and Alenko. Can you two make yourselves scarce for a while?"
Cortez glanced from Garrus to Kaidan and back. Garrus looked terrifying, his face closed, arms crossed on his chest. Kaidan supposed he didn't look too good either; he knew he was pale and he probably looked terrified. Well fair enough, he was terrified.
"Are you…"
"I'm sure, Steve. You two go…have lunch or something."
Cortez nodded, closed up his terminal and followed Vega to the elevator.
As soon as they were gone, Garrus turned to Kaidan.
"Are you sure about this, Kaidan?" he asked.
Kaidan nodded tightly. He was less scared, now that it was about to begin. He struggled out of his uniform and watched Garrus do the same. It wasn't going to be a fair fight. The only way to have a fair hand-to-hand fight between a human and a turian would be to have the human in full combat gear, and the turian naked.
But the Rite of Atonement was supposed to be done naked, and Kaidan had never believed in half measures.
"Are you ready?" Garrus asked, walking to the centre of the armoury, where there was enough open space. Kaidan followed him, cold and naked and pretty well terrified.
"I'm ready."
Garrus nodded.
"Then you can begin. You know how it works? You have to-"
"Strike the first blow. I know," Kaidan said. Turians didn't believe in handing out punishment, apparently. You had to fight for it, as hard as you could. He took a deep breath and drove his fist into Garrus' stomach.
Garrus' fist hit Kaidan in the pit of his stomach like a battering ram, and Kaidan actually staggered back a step before he could retaliate, his fist finding Garrus' face. He probably hurt himself more than he did Garrus, turian scales were tougher than human skin. He left a smear of red blood on Garrus' face and came away with barked knuckles for his trouble.
Garrus' grin was feral, mandibles flared wide, and all his sharp predator's teeth were on display.
"You hurt Shepard," he snarled, and his hand whistled past Kaidan's face as he ducked. "You bastard."
"I did," Kaidan gasped, hitting out again without aiming for anywhere in particular. He was rewarded with a choked sound when his fist made unexpected contact with Garrus' throat. "I hurt Shepard, and I'm sorry!"
Garrus shrieked wordlessly and charged, catching Kaidan around the waist and slamming him into one of the piles of packing crates, and when Kaidan could see again the turian's face, sharp-edged and strangely vulnerable without his visor, was inches from his own.
"Sorry doesn't change the fact that she's hurt because of you," he said. "Tell me why, Alenko," he said and, turning, hurled Kaidan through the air.
The ridiculous thought that Garrus couldn't possibly hear anything he said while he was flying like a kite shot through Kaidan's head a moment before he made contact with the shuttle, and then there were no more thoughts for a few seconds. He shook his head to clear it and saw Garrus stalking across the open floor toward him, the nightmares of his earliest childhood made flesh and bone and scale. The nightmares of his adulthood had human skin and hard hands. He staggered to his feet.
"I was drunk," he said, lashing out as soon as Garrus came close enough. The big turian sidestepped his wild punch casually and slapped Kaidan across the face with the back of one scaled hand.
"Try again, Alenko. I've seen you drunk."
"I was drunk," Kaidan insisted, sounding drunk now, with his words slurring on his tongue. He spat blood. This was harder than he'd expected it to be.
Garrus slapped him again, contemptuously.
"Try again," he hissed.
"Drunk," Kaidan said again, and Garrus slapped him hard, whipping his face to one side. Every time he said it, Garrus slapped him, his face whipping to and fro until something snapped in him and he put both hands against Garrus' plated chest and shoved backwards, almost sending the turian sprawling. Almost.
"Scared!" he screamed, hitting out desperately at Garrus' face. "I was scared, alright? Is that what you want to hear, Vakarian? That I was fucking terrified out of my mind and I just wanted her to shut up? Do you want to hear that every second I was fucking her I was remembering what happened to me? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Garrus caught his flailing hand and twisted, sending Kaidan to his knees. He bent down, bringing his face close to Kaidan's.
"That will do," he said. Then he let go and walked away.
Kaidan screamed an incoherent cry of rage and charged, taking Garrus in the chest as he turned and bearing him down to the ground. The next moment he found himself sitting on top of the big turian, battering his fists to shreds against his hard, rough face. He was babbling, bastard and hate and kill and he didn't know why except that he was so angry and he needed to hurt someone. And Garrus was there.
It lasted a few seconds at most before Garrus flipped them both, landing on top of Kaidan and pinning his hands to the ground.
"Kaidan" he said. "It's done. The scourging is done, you can stop now."
Some small part of Kaidan heard and sighed in relief. The overwhelming majority of him, however, was so flooded with rage, remembered fear and adrenaline that it didn't understand, and Kaidan continued to thrash under Garrus, snarling, trying to get close enough to bite, trying to use his lower body to buck the turian off.
But turians were heavy and Garrus was determined, holding on to Kaidan's wrists and pinning him with his hips.
Kaidan writhed and struggled, screaming incoherently. He had forgotten that he was naked until his body chose to remind him that he was rubbing himself against something smooth and deceptively slick, and he froze, staring up at Garrus.
"S-sorry," he said, humiliated, and couldn't suppress the stutter in his voice as his hips jerked of their own volition, rubbing his overstimulated cock against the silk-smooth plates of Garrus' groin. "You can get up now, I'm okay."
"It's…okay if you don't want me to, you know," Garrus said, moving his hips just a millimetre before he stopped. His eyes closed and his whole body shivered, and he made one more abortive thrust before his eyes opened. "We can…"
He didn't have a chance to say anything more because Kaidan's body betrayed him again, thrusting up hard against the smooth alien body, and Garrus keened and bent down to kiss him.
It wasn't gentle. It was an invasion, and Kaidan surrendered wholeheartedly as he opened his mouth for Garrus' tongue.
He tasted blood from his split lip, and the sweet-copper taste of Garrus' mouth, and he loved it, yearning upwards as much as he could with Garrus still pinning his hands to the floor. By the time Garrus moved his head away to lick and nip at his neck, Kaidan was panting and writhing, and he wanted more.
Garrus gave it to him in abundance. He made his way down Kaidan's body in slow stages, licking and biting every inch of smooth human skin he could reach, and by the time he lay down between Kaidan's thighs and started paying attention to his cock, Kaidan was whimpering softly. Garrus wasn't gentle there either, lapping roughly at the sensitive skin until Kaidan was so close he could feel it.
He stopped.
"Oh, God, Garrus, don't stop now, I'm about to…"
Garrus crawled up his body and kissed him again.
"Fucking tease," Kaidan snapped, and tried to free his hands, still in the turian's steely grip.
"If you were Shepard," Garrus said into his ear, and Kaidan stilled helplessly, his entire body tight as a drum. "This would be the point where I would fuck you until you scream."
Kaidan shuddered and tried to thrust upwards, but Garrus was too cunning to let him get off that way.
"No reason you can't," he heard his mouth say. Garrus went dead still.
"What?"
Kaidan sneered up at him.
"Don't act the innocent with me, Vakarian. I know you remember what we did with Shepard the other day. And I know what you've been doing on the extranet lately."
Garrus growled but he didn't move, glaring down at Kaidan.
"I know you want to fuck me, Garrus," Kaidan said.
Garrus let go and got to his feet in silence, and Kaidan sat up. His wrists were bruised from the turian's strong hands and his entire body was aching. But the battle wasn't lost yet. He stared at Garrus' back, at the clenched hands and the way he didn't look anywhere but in front of him.
"You want to make me scream, don't you?" Kaidan said, getting up. He ran a hand down Garrus' back, along the thin line of skin revealed between armour plates. "I saw your face when we were fucking Shepard together. You wanted to be where I was that time, didn't you? And now you want to hold me down and fuck me raw. Don't you, Garrus?"
Garrus was shaking now, and Kaidan was sure his talons were cutting into his hands. He smiled. Even as a boy, he'd been good at this, at bringing out the rage, and this was so much better because this was Garrus, controlled Garrus, always afraid of hurting the soft little humans. Well, sometimes humans didn't want controlled. Sometimes they wanted to hurt. And Kaidan wasn't afraid anymore. Not even a little.
"No," Garrus managed, but when Kaidan moved around him again his eyes were closed and his cock had slid out of its hiding place and stood tall, already weeping with want. Kaidan moved closer until he could feel Garrus' cock against his stomach, and Garrus made a soft keening noise and still didn't move.
"I was a whore before I was a man, Garrus. Don't think you can lie to me," Kaidan said, and gave Garrus' cock a slow, teasing stroke. "Or don't you think you're man enough to fuck a man?"
Garrus' hands were heavy on his shoulders suddenly, and Kaidan's knees hit the floor with a jolt of pain. More bruises, he thought, and opened his mouth as Garrus thrust into it.
The last time they'd been together had been sweet, teasing, and Kaidan had used all his hard-won knowledge to tease the big turian. This time there was no art to it, and nothing sweet as he took everything Garrus gave him, again and again, his eyes tearing up and gasping for breath. His hands wanted to grip Garrus' hips, make him gentle his pace a little, but he fisted them on his thighs. He didn't want to control anything right now.
Garrus' hands were clenched on the back of his head, holding him still so the turian could fuck his mouth, and his talons were digging into Kaidan's scalp. And above him, Garrus' flanging voice was whispering filth and obscenities until he snarled, deep in his throat and shoved Kaidan backwards, sending him sprawling.
Kaidan leaned up on an elbow and wiped the back of his mouth with his arm, grinning up at Garrus. Then he yelped as Garrus was suddenly on top of him, forcing Kaidan's legs over his shoulders and growling softly. He felt the turian's cock at his entrance, slick with saliva and precomeand too damn big, and whimpered as Garrus stopped moving.
"Is this what you want, Alenko?" he asked, and pushed in a little. He'd gone back to pinning Kaidan's wrists and Kaidan couldn't touch himself, couldn't do a damn thing but take it.
Kaidan whimpered. He wasn't ready, wasn't prepared, and it burned and oh, god how he wanted it. His body was an uncomfortable knot, bruises were blooming all over him and the way Garrus was pressing back on his legs stopped him from breathing deeply enough and it was all fucking glorious. For once, the memories didn't even hurt.
"Scared, Vakarian?" he taunted, and clenched down hard on the invading organ. Garrus groaned and thrust in hard, his ridged cock burrowing into Kaidan's body without mercy until he was buried hilt-deep and he stopped, gasping. Kaidan bit his lip and closed his eyes, and gasped for breath as each of the ridges in turn rubbed across his prostate.
"Of you, Alenko?" he asked. "In your dreams, maybe."
Kaidan found breath to laugh somewhere, but he choked on it when Garrus began to pull out and those damn little ridges started torturing him again. And he squeezed down again and Garrus howled like a wolf and started fucking him in earnest, shoving him across the floor a little with each thrust, and Kaidan closed his eyes again and lost himself in the sensations, pain and pleasure mixing inescapably, and tried not to come as Garrus' cock set off fireworks behind his eyes.
"I am going to make you scream, Kaidan," Garrus said breathlessly, and Kaidan looked up to see the turian glaring down at him fiercely.
"You're welcome to try," Kaidan snarled back.
Garrus laughed as he pulled out and flipped him over, and Kaidan barely had time to get his knees under him before Garrus was on him, in him again, his sharp talons digging into Kaidan's hips as he held him still.
His cock was hard and leaking, but Garrus was pounding him so hard that if he moved a hand he'd plow head first into the floor, so Kaidan bit his tongue and tried not to make a sound, but god, it was hard. Garrus was breathing hard above him, and his entire body was blazing with pain, but he was still dancing on the edge of orgasm because the change of angle made Garrus' cock stab against his prostate with every damn thrust, setting off sparks that danced through his body. Kaidan braced himself and pushed back, panting and gasping, his entire body shuddering as he fought his orgasm with all his might.
When it came, the end came suddenly. Garrus howled and thrust faster and even harder, and a wave of sensation crested over Kaidan and his body bent like a bow as he came, screaming and sobbing and cursing.
Over his own voice, he heard Garrus cry out, and then the turian was slumped on his back. Kaidan collapsed, twitching a bit with the aftermath as Garrus slipped out of him.
Garrus' breathing was almost louder than his own, he noticed as the other man rolled off him.
"That was…certainly interesting," Garrus said when he had his breath back.
Kaidan chuckled tiredly.
"Interesting, huh."
"Not something we could do regularly, though," Garrus said. "I don't think my heart could take it."
"I don't think my body could," Kaidan admitted.
"You look terrible," Garrus said quietly. "Did I hurt you?"
"Mmm, yeah. But that's another set of childhood memories gone," Kaidan said. "So, worth it."
He didn't open his eyes, but he sensed Garrus sit up and stare at him.
"This was…"
"The word you're looking for is therapeutic," Kaidan said. "Isn't that what the scourging is meant to be?"
"Well, yes, but…"
"Then it's succeeded, hasn't it? Come on, help me up. God, I feel ancient. Look at my knees!" Kaidan groaned as Garrus helped him to his feet. He hurt everywhere, but he felt better too, and that was worth a lot of pain.
"I'm looking at your back right now. It looks like someone tried to flay you," Garrus said.
"It'll heal. Are we good now?"
Garrus looked him up and down.
"I'd say you've been…pretty thoroughly scourged."
"Good. Then you can help me to a shower. And after that, I need a drink."
"Just the one?"
Kaidan grinned.
"Maybe more than one."
Garrus bent down and put his shoulder under Kaidan's arm and helped him to the decon showers. Kaidan glared at the nozzles in the wall. And at the mirror. He really did look like shit.
"This," he said morosely, "is going to hurt."
It did.
But afterwards, he felt cleansed and whole, even if his body disagreed. And he had Garrus, to help him with his clothes and support him in the elevator. He had to keep himself upright when they stopped at the second floor so Garrus could raid the bar, but he leaned against the wall with his shoulder – one of the few parts that didn't hurt – and it wasn't long before his turian came back, grinning, and started the elevator up again.
They went up to Shepard's quarters, where Kaidan collapsed on a couch and Garrus found some glasses.
They each filled their own, Garrus with some weird-smelling turian liquor and Kaidan with some kind of asari drink that glowed purple.
Kaidan eye it suspiciously, on the theory that glowing drinks did not bode well. He drank it anyway, on the theory that he sure as hell wasn't going down to fetch something else.
Garrus raised a brow plate and refilled the glass, then raised his own. Must be something he'd learned from Shepard.
"To the nest?" he asked.
Kaidan smiled, and clinked the glass against his nestbrother's.
"To the nest," he said.
