Raph woke up shortly after two a.m., on March 23, still feeling tired and miserable. He wiped tears away with the back of his hand and thought, I'm worthless and a failure and I'm unloved. Leo's fuckin' Donnie. Why would Leo want a fat lump like me?

"Exactly," Deacon said, appearing. "You're useless, Raphael. Why don't you do yourself-ourself a favor and end our life? Your sai are on the desk over there. All you have to do is get them."

"SHUT UP!" Raph yelled. "Yer not real."

"I am. Take the sai and slit your…"

"Raphael," Leo said, sitting bolt upright in bed and staring at his mate in concern. "Who are you talking to?"

"Deacon. He's over there, Leo."

"There's no one here, but us, Raphie," Leo said, grabbing Raph's hands in his. He kissed them and added, "Are you okay, Raphie?"

"I know he's here," Raph huffed, pulling his hands away. "He's always here. Watchin' and talkin."

"Maybe we should go talk to Donnie? I'll go get him," Leo said, finally realizing that there was something wrong with his mate. Don had been right.

"I ain't crazy, Leo! I swear he's over there and he says yer fuckin' Donnie. Ya've been spendin' a lot of time with him lately."

"Raph, I would never do that to you and I've always been faithful. Look, I'll go get Donnie."

"I'M NOT CRAZY!"

"I never said that, Raphie. I'll be back now, okay? I love you," Leo said, and quickly left the room.

As soon as Leo had left, Deacon said, "You are crazy, Raphael, and useless. We all know it and Leo's lying. He's banging Don. Why else would they be spending so much time together? They didn't before. Get up and get the sai over there and slit your-our throat. It'll end our suffering."

"SHUT UP!" Raph screamed.

"Do it, Raphael, or are you a chicken?" Deacon scoffed. "Chicken. Puck, puck puck."

"I ain't no chicken," Raph snapped. "Never have been."

"Then do it, Raphael. It's the only way to end the pain and we're not wanted. Even the kids don't like us and prefer Leo. We're the black sheep, we always have been and nothing will change that. Leo also blames us for miscarrying Rebecca and it was our fault, Raphael. We don't deserve to live. We never have. Let's kill ourself. Do the right thing, Raphael. It's the only way of ending our pain. No one will miss us."

Raph dragged himself out of bed with great effort and grabbed the sai on the dresser. He stared down at them and ran his fingers over the blade. "Come on, Raphael. We need to do this," Deacon said. "It's the only way out of our nightmare. No one's going to miss us."

"Yer right," Raph said, tears running down his cheek. "I should die and I'm gonna do it. I don't wanna live no more. Tired of everythin'." Raph held the sai to his throat and prepared to slice.

XXX

Meanwhile, Leo was talking to Don in his room. "So, you see Raph's seeing things, people, Don. And his moods keep shifting. It's insane. One moment he's happy. Then he's crying and then he starts yelling. I don't understand what's going on."

"Leo, I think Raph's suffering from postpartum depression. It's quite common after a traumatic birth. Raph was in labor for a very long time and in great agony."

"I thought that only happened to humans. Can you tell me more about it?" Don told him and Leo said frantically. "Shit. We have to get back to the room. His weapons are on the desk. What if he…"

Leo and Don raced to Leo's bedroom and saw Raph with the sai to his throat. "No!" Leo begged. "Don't do it, Raphie."

"Have ta," Raph said, tears running down his face. "Ya and Donnie are fuckin', Leo. I'm a screw-up, unloved and a bad daddy. Better ta end it."

"Raphael," Don said. "None of that's true. Leo and I love one another as brothers only. He's your mate and he loves you so much. That will never change. You're also an amazing daddy and the kids love you so much and you're far from a failure. Whatever the voice is saying, don't listen to it. Give me the sai, okay, and we can talk about it? We love you, Raphie."

"He's lying, Raphael," Deacon said. "They fucked earlier. Smell the pheromones in the air. They fuck all the time."

"I love only you, Raphie," Leo said, fear etched on his handsome face. "It's only ever been you. I spent time with Donnie, but all we did was watch movies. Raphie, please don't do this. The kids love you and need you. So do I."

"Raphael," Deacon said. "They're fibbing and we're not needed or wanted. Come on. Take our control back and do this. I know we can. They're just trying to control us like they've always done. Raphael, you know I'm right."

"Stay away, Leo and Donnie," Raph warned, his fingers trembling. "I have ta do this. Only way of endin' my pain."

"NO!" Leo screamed, lunging at his mate and knocking him to the floor. Although winded, Raph still fought for the sai, which twisted upward and buried itself into Leo's upper plastron. Hissing in pain, Leo rolled off of Raph and lay down, the sai sticking out of his plastron, and blood gushing onto the floor. "Leo!" Don shouted, rushing to his side. "You're going to be okay, Leo. I promise."

"Tell Raph I love him," Leo said weakly. "I know this isn't him. It's the psychosis and I forgive him."

"Leo," Raph said breathlessly, having snapped out of his psychotic break, and crawling to his side. "What happened? Who did this ta ya? Donnie?" Raph asked, glancing at Don.

"I have to take Leo to the infirmary," Don said, trying not to cry, and he lifted Leo up.

"Raph," Leo said, struggling to breathe. "I love you. Always remember that. You are the best thing about me."

"I love ya too, Leo," Raph said, fighting back tears. "Who did this ta ya? I'm gonna break their neck!"

Before Leo could comment, Don took Leo away to the infirmary, leaving Raph in a flood of tears.

XXX

The obese turtle tottered after his brothers and went into the infirmary. "Is Leo gonna be okay, Donnie?" Raph asked, as Don removed the sai from a now unconscious Leo's chest and began applying a tourniquet to the wound to stem the blood flow. "I don't know, Raph."

"Who did this ta him, Donnie? And how did they get into the lair with our hi-tech security? I'm gonna fuck them up so badly," Raph growled, clenching his fists.

Don didn't answer and continued attending to Leo, while Raph could only look on.

An hour later, Don said, "Raph, I've done all I could. It's up to him now."

Raph got up from the chair he'd been sitting on and said, "Ya gonna tell me what's goin' on, Donnie? How did this happen? It was me and Leo in our room. How did anyone get in there?"

"Raph," Don said, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "Sit down. Please."

"Tell me, Donnie," Raph demanded. "What fuckin' sick psycho hurt Leo? And why would they? Leo's pure good and wouldn't hurt no one."

"Sit down, Raph," Don said, and led Raph to his chair. "Please."

"Fine," Raph said, sitting down.

Don pulled up another chair, sat down, took Raph's hands in his and said, "Have you heard about postpartum depression?"

"Yeah. Girls sometimes get that. Their moods keep changin', they wanna hurt themselves or the babies, have psychotic breaks, and a range of other symptoms. Why are ya askin' me? I don't got it. Leo said so."

"Leo's not a doctor and I'm not either, Raphie, but I know more than he does and if you've been experiencing those things you have it."

"So I'm sick?" Raph asked, pulling away. He didn't like being touched by anyone except his mate and babies.

"Yes, Raph, but we can treat it and it'll go away."

"Fine, but Leo? Who hurt him?"

Don pinched between his eyes, sucked in a deep breath and said, "Raph, you had a psychotic break."

"Huh?"

"Raph, there was no one else in the room but you and Leo, so…"

"Are ya fuckin' sayin' I hurt Leo?" Raph yelled. "Why would I? Don't make sense, Donnie."

"Raphie, with psychosis you think you're seeing and hearing things. You told Leo there was someone in the room, but there was no one there. Leo got me and we found you holding your sai to your throat. Leo tried to stop you, you guys fought and the knife ended up in Leo's upper plastron."

Raph's heart shattered and his face fell. Then, burying his head in his hands, he said, "I did that ta Leo. He must hate me so much. If he dies, it's my fault."

Don scooted his chair closer, tilted Raph's head up and said, "No. It's the postpartum depression, but we're going to treat you, Raph, and you're going to be okay. I promise. I want you to be honest. When did your moods start shifting all the time?"

"I don't remember."

"Have you had thoughts of killing yourself or others before now?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I thought it was nothin', because they never lasted long. I'm so sorry," Raph said, tears springing to his eyes. "I can't believe I hurt Leo. What's gonna happen now, Donnie?" Raph asked sadly, looking at Leo.

"I'm going to start you on a course of antidepressants, Raphie, and I have drugs to help battle psychosis too. It's going to be okay."

"And Leo?"

"The sai missed his heart and we'll just have to wait until he wakes up. If he does. It's touch and go."

"Can I stay with him?"

"Yes, but first your meds." Don went to a cupboard and took out a few bottles of pills. Then he poured a glass of water, handed it and the pills to Raph and said, "Take them, Raphie."

"For how long?"

"Let's start with two weeks and take it from there."

"I'm sorry, Donnie. I wish I'd told ya how I was feelin'," Raph said. He took the pills, swallowed some water and said, "Thank God ya were here, Donnie. Leo can't die. I'll never forgive myself if he does."

"Leo's a fighter, Raphie, and he'll do everything he can to pull through. He loves you and the babies so much and doesn't want to leave you. Raphie, you also said me and Leo have been sleeping together. It's not true, you know. Leo only loves you."

"But I'm fat and ugly."

"No, you're not. You're a little weighty because of your gravidness, but Leo doesn't care about that. He wasn't with you solely because of the way you looked and he'd never cheat on you, Raphie. You're his everything and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your relationship. I wouldn't do anything to come between you guys either, okay? I'm not and have never been interested in Leo."

"Okay. Donnie, if I didn't take pills what would happen?"

"Your psychosis and depression would worsen. I know you hate taking medication, Raph, but you have to and I don't know for how long."

"All right. I'll take them. I just hope Leo's gonna get better, Donnie," Raph said mournfully. "I love him so much and I can't lose him."

As they kept vigil over Leo, Raph thought despondently, I should have told Donnie and Leo what I was feelin'. If Leo dies, it's all my fault and they may as well bury me too, because I can't live without him.