Woody's closet's door opened and out he fell wrapped in Christmas lights. Then he was greeted by a really big globe that landed on his head. "Oh, boy," he groaned. "This had better be worth it! I can't believe everyone can just be rich and famous without working hard, like the Hilton children because of their rich granddad."
"There's a secret mission in uncharted space," one of Buzz's buttons said. "Let's clear the bastards out."
He walked to the room and saw Buzz, wearing a party hat and a frilly apron, sat down at a tea party table with two headless dolls. "Well, forget the aliens," said Hannah. "Stay on this planet and save it by helping the environment and the endangered animals and species. But first, let's enjoy a cup of tea, Mrs. Nesbitt."
Woody had an idea. "Hannah, there's a solar panel delivery van here," he said in a female voice. "Could you go and sign it for mommy, please?"
Hannah walked out of her room and Woody walked in.
"Buzz, are you okay?" he asked.
"No, I'm defeated!" moaned Buzz. "One minute you're defending the whole universe and then suddenly you're drinking tea with Marie Antoinette and her little sister."
"Hi, I'm Marie Antoinette," greeted the pink dress doll.
"No, I'm Marine Antoinette!" protested the blue dress doll.
"No, you're my little sister!" argued the pink dress doll.
"No, you're my bitchy sister!" snapped the blue dress doll.
"Come on, Buzz," said Woody. "Let's leave these headless chicks alone!"
"Can't you see the hat, you blind cowboy?" snapped Buzz. "I'm not Buzz, if I'm not a space ranger. I am Mrs. Nesbitt!"
"Snap out of it, Buzz!" yelled Woody. Then he flipped Buzz's helmet over, punched him in his face and flipped his helmet back on.
"I'm sorry, Sheriff," apologized Buzz. "I'm just a little depressed, that's all. Nothing I can't get through. Nothing at all! I can't get through even a bloody window!"
While Buzz is moaning to himself, Woody looked ahead and saw a window. The window from Sid's room and out of it was the room to Andy's house! "Buzz, I hate to say it, but you're a genius! Come on!" He walked ahead and turned around to see Buzz still sitting and moaning. "Come on!" But Buzz didn't move, so Woody dragged him along.
In Andy's room, Mr. Potato Head and Hamm were playing the Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit. Hamm had Potato Head's hat on.
"'Name me one difference that's in the books but not in the movies'," read Hamm.
"Hagrid finding Harry Potter in the middle of nowhere like in the book?" guessed Potato Head. "Harry Potter in the Chambers of Secrets? The end of the Deathly Hallows where Harry sends his children off to Hogwarts? Woody appearing from Sid's room?"
"Woody appearing from Sid's room?" asked Hamm. He looked ahead to see Woody at Sid's room, but wasn't paying attention. "That's not in either – Wait a minute! Woody!"
Everyone heard Hamm crying about Woody and they all came to the window.
"What are you doing over there?" asked Bo Peep. "Sight-seeing? Taking a trip? Going for a piss?"
"I'll explain everything later, Bo," said Woody. "Here, catch this!"
Woody threw the Christmas lights from Sid's room's window to Andy's room's window. "I got it, Woody!" cried Slinky.
"Great!" smiled Woody. "Now, tie it onto something."
"Wait a minute!" yelled Potato Head. "I got a better idea of getting them across – not at all!" He snatched the lights off Slinky.
"What gives?" Slinky demanded to know.
"Do you idiots want to let that bastard who killed Buzz walk back into the room?"
"No, Potato Brain!" cried Woody. "Buzz is fine. He's here with me."
"Why can't you see that you have always failed to convince me of anything?" snapped Potato Head. "Just like when Pixar asked Hasbro to have G I Joe in the actual movie?"
"Well, I can prove it!" called Woody. "Stay there!"
In Sid's room, Woody turned around. "Buzz, will you come up here and give me a hand?" The only answer he got was Buzz's broken arm. "That's very funny, Buzz. This is serious!" Then he had an idea.
In Andy's room, all the toys could see Woody. "Why don't you say hello to the guys there, Buzz?" said Woody. Then they could Buzz's arm waving. "Hi, fellas. To infinity and beyond!" It sounded a lot like Buzz, but Woody whispered, "My ventriloquism is really good."
"Oh, boy, it's Buzz!" exclaimed Rex.
"The sooner you pull us across, the sooner Andy will be happier," Woody went on in his Buzz voice. "I've been through a lot with the Sheriff including Sid's toys, Sid's torture and Sid."
"Come on now, Potato Head, give me the lights back!" ordered Slinky.
"How do you know it's Buzz?" asked Potato Head. "You're a dog! How do you know anything if you can't see anything, let alone colour?" Then he turned to Woody. "As for you, what are you trying to pull?"
"Nothing!" replied Woody. Then he saw everyone screaming their heads off. He looked around to see what was scaring them. Was it the toy version of Annie Wilkes? Or the Fly? Or the Gremlins? Or Buzz's arm? Or... Buzz's arm! Woody tried to hide it, but the jig was up. "No, it's not what you think! Only idiots like you would think that!"
"You lied to us to protect your reputation!" snapped Potato Head. "And so you could kill off new toys that come to Andy's room. You're a worst traitor than Judas to Jesus. I hope Sid or Satan pulls your voice-box out, you tosser!" And with that Potato Head dropped the lights. "Come on, guys, let's go."
Despite Woody's loud protests, everyone ignored him and walked away. Except Slinky who just stayed, but began to walk away.
"Come on, Slinky, don't you start!" Woody begged.
"Sorry, Woody, but you're not in charge anymore and our lives including mine are happier without you," sighed Slinky, pulling the blind down.
"SLINKY!" But it was no good. Woody was stuck in Sid's room with Buzz and with his mutant toys. The mutant toys! He turned around to see gathering around Buzz.
"Buzz! Get your disease hands off him!" he shouted.
Babyface saw him coming. "I'll take that!" he said, grabbing Buzz's arm off the cowboy doll.
"No, you won't! Get back!" But the arm was taken off Woody. The cowboy doll pushed through the mutant toys. "All right! I'll stop you if I have to kill every one of you!" Then he was stunned. Buzz was still in one piece and more with his arm back on.
"They fixed you!" Woody cried. "But what about the other toys we saw them eat?"
"Not in our bellies for one thing," spat out Babyface, showing a fixed-up Janie and Pterodactyl.
"Yeah, they're really not as bad as they look or act," smiled Janie.
"But she can be when she wants to have sex," said Pterodactyl.
Woody didn't know what to say. Then he said, "I'm sorry, guys. I just thought you were going to eat my friend."
The Paw in the Box arrived next to him. "That's not the only thing you have to be sorry about!" the Paw snapped. "You must repent for everything you did wrong! Tell them all of his sins, guys."
After everyone told Woody how horrible he had been and how rude he had been, Woody felt very sad with everything he had done.
"I'm sorry, Legs, for making fun of your legs; I'm sorry I upset your music, Jingle Joe; and I'm sorry I knocked you out of the window, Buzz."
Then they heard Sid's laughter coming close to the room. The mutant toys ran back to their hiding places. Woody tried to help Buzz hide, but Buzz was too heavy and stilly sulking about himself. Woody gave up on him and hid under a blue crate.
Sid entered his room with a big box. "They came! They really came!" he exclaimed, as he put the box down and opened it. He took out the Millennium Falcon, an X-Wing, a Y-Wing, the Starship Enterprise, the Battlestar Galatica, Jupiter 2, Wallace and Gromit's orange rocket and finally a blue rocket called... "The Big One!" read Sid. "What shall I blow?" He looked around and stepped on Buzz. "Perfect! I always wanted to blow up a space ranger."
Woody saw Sid pick up Buzz and heard some tape being wrapped. After Woody checked his watch after taking so long, he saw Buzz strapped to a rocket! "Now, if the weather's isn't rainy or stormy, I'll take you out now and blow you up!" Sid told Buzz. But his chance was already blown up. "Oh, no. Oh, man! But don't get your hopes up to high, Lightyear. We will resume take-off in the morning, for tomorrow's forecast will be sunny. Sweet dreams!" And Sid went off to bed.
Woody had been trying to lift the crate up, but he was too weak to do it. "Help! Is there anyone who can help me? Help!" yelled Woody. The first one who came was a toy version Grawp. He grabbed the crate and began lifting it up.
"No, no, no, Grawp!" yelled the toy version of Hagrid. "Put it down! You'll only do more harm than good."
Grawp obeyed and walked away. Then a toy version of a weak and wounded Jedi Knight (one from the prequels) came and tried to use the force, but a toy version of Darth Vader used his lightsabre and cut his head off. "The originals still rule!" yelled Vader.
"How can that be a real lightsabre?" asked Woody.
Then came a poorly, diseased prostitute doll. She went to the crate and tried lifting it up, but she was too weak and too poorly. "Don't hurt yourself, babe," Woody told her. "I wasn't going to pay you anyway, as I have no money."
As the prostitute doll left, Woody turned to Buzz. "Buzz, come over here and see if you can get the toolkit box off me." Buzz didn't move. "Look, I'm sorry about everything. I admit it's my fault that both of us are out of Andy's room. But I can't fix any of this without your help."
"I can't help," moaned Buzz. "That's why I wouldn't let you drag me to safety."
"Why?" Woody demanded to know.
"Because, Woody, I admit you were right all the time about me not being a space ranger, but just a stupid, crap shitful toy!"
"Being a toy is much better than a space ranger," Woody said. "A kid next door thinks you're the greatest and it's not because you're a space ranger; it's because you are his toy. Just like Neil Armstrong, Taylor Swift and Johnny Depp; they're loved by their families not because how successful or rich they are, but by how much they love them."
But still Buzz didn't move. Woody sighed and gave up, turning around. Then something landed above him.
"Buzz, what are you doing?" asked Woody.
"All I need was a little confession from you, Sheriff," replied Buzz. "And since I am a toy, I want to make sure that you're just using me to get back to that kid next door that needs me. Now, let's get you out!"
"Yes, sir," said Woody. And they each pushed their boxes together. Then Woody got out. "Okay, Buzz, I'm out!"
But Buzz didn't hear Woody so he carried on pushing the box. "Almost there!" Only then did he realise he went too far. "Whoops!"
Then a beep from Sid's Iphone woke him up. "'Sid, how are your toys?'" he read. "'In pieces, I suspect. Well, my fish are all gone, but luckily my uncle will give a new one when I go to visit him at the dentist. Darla.' Well, you've had your break now, Lightyear, time for blast-off!" He grabbed Buzz and started to unlock his door. "To infinity and beyond!"
Woody waited under the toolbox until Sid left the room. Then he ran out of the door. He began to chase Sid, but he was blocked off by Scud. "What are you looking at, tiny boy?" he asked.
Woody had to think quickly. "Squirrel!" he shouted pointing to a window.
"Where?" asked Scud, turning his head to the window. Then he heard a door shut tight. Sid's door was not open anymore. He heard snickering and he turned to see three dogs called Alpha, Beta and Gamma.
"I can't believe you fell for the old trick in the book," chuckled Gamma.
"Yeah, no wonder our master gave you to your new master," mocked Alpha.
"Well, FYI, life with Sid is ten times much better than with Charles Muntz," Sid spat back. "Besides I'm the dog that can talk through my mouth, not my collar."
That insult made the dogs cry.
