Chapter 7

Bails and Sissies

"Okay, now I know NO ONE wants to do 120 hours of community service, right?" Gai asked the 14 adolescents in orange jumpsuits and one in his regular clothes. They all agreed simultaneously. "Well, for twelve of you, it will happen. But four of you will be spared. Or more if Lee loses."

"What do we have to do! I'll do anything!" said Naruto.

"All you have to do is win the game day of all game days. The rules are simple. There will be four teams of four. Akamaru will count as one human, as he will transform into Kiba. Each team will have one girl, except for one team, which ill have two. Three people will participate in each event except for the final one, where all four will participate. There will be seven events. The first six will be divided in half. Each person will sit out in one event, participating in two events during each half."

"That's not simple! But I do understand… shut up Sasuke, it's not the apocalypse!"

"Er… Okay… Pick your teams!"

"Sasuke, you're on my team… and… White-Eyes… I know it's not your real name, shut up… hm, girl… my useless sister… no… annoyance… no… white-eyes girl… no… that girl with the number name… no… that mean one… no… I wonder if that dog's a girl…" Gaara thought aloud.

"HINATA SHINO AKAMARU!" yelled Kiba instantly.

"Son. Of. A. –Beep-. Oh wait. Neji, counts as a girl, right?" asked Gaara.

"No," responded Gai.

"Sure?"

"Positive."

"N-no! I-I'm a girl… I just have a deep voice."

"Shut up, Neji."

"Um… Shikamaru, Chouji, and… Temari… I guess," said Ino.

"Then I guess that leaves Lee… sadly, Naruto, and Kankurou on my team!" said Tenten.

"Why you little! DIE!" yelled Gaara.

"Hiii!" said Sakura.

"First event: triath-"

"BS!"

"l-"

"BS!"

"o-"

"Bull -beep-!"

"-n!"

"-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!"

"Who'll do that?" asked Sasuke, ending Gaara's tantrum prematurely.

"Sasuke… how long can you hold your breath?" asked a slightly more settled Gaara.

"I could cheat and teleport!"

"No techniques!" stated Gai.

"Two minutes…" muttered a disheartened Uchiha. Well, Sasuke. Itachi, a thousand or so miles away, was quickly becoming disheartened as he tried to squeeze out that last bit of ketchup that just wouldn't come out.

Gaara smirked.

"Let's see… Shino… Can you swim?" asked Kiba.

"…"

"No?"

"…"

"Okay, Hinata?"

"I… guess…"

"Kankurou… you can't swim, that freaky puppet thing will swell up to… Chouji's size! Haha! Lee's running… I'm biking… Naruto, you swim." stated Tenten.

"Temari, you can fan and use the wind to bike faster, Chouji, you can float… and swim, possibly. I'll run… Shikamaru, you're worthless. Sit. Just… sit," commanded Ino.

"I'll bike!" said Neji. "That strap on my head's from a bike helmet."

"Well if you go unconscious by the helmet failing, we certainly won't be able to tell by your eyes, but whatever. I guess that fool will run…" stated Gaara, pointing to Sakura, who in fact had an IQ not very much dissimilar to his.

"On your marks, get set, go!" announced Gai.

"Sasuke… take a walk," stated Gaara.

Sasuke smirked and ran underwater at top speed, passing everyone in a breeze. He lightly touched Sakura and rushed off to fix, well, actually ruin, his currently flattened hair. Sakura was disparagingly slow, but Gaara had an idea. He teleported right next to her. "Sakura… would you run faster? For me? Or Sasuke, perhaps?" he asked in a somewhat kind, albeit forced, voice. This faded away as he added, "Just remember, if you lose, you fail us all. Oh, and I will kill you."

She then ran at Lee's speed WITHOUT weights. She hit Neji's back so hard he nearly fell down. He few off on his bike. Literally. No BSin'. He won with ease. Gaara's team was so far ahead they had time for chips and salsa (which wasn't shared between them). They were followed by Tenten's team, then Ino's, then Kiba's.

"Okay… NO more physical challenges…" stated Gai. "The next event is criminal justice. You ha-"

"Wait, there're four of us on each team… shouldn't there be nine games?" asked Neji, interrupting his jounin teacher.

"…Shut up, Neji… Two people will only be out once, and two will be out twice. I'm not thinking this over again. My brain is still hurting from the first thinking. AS I WAS SAYING, the team that catches the most sleazebags and/or dignified criminals wins. Gosh, I hate being politically correct… Each person gets one cop car and one speed meter. You'll have two hours starting… hm… now."

-WITH GAARA, SASUKE, AND NEJI…-

"What do we have here? A pothead?" asked Gaara rhetorically, stopping at an alleyway.Sasuke rushed into the alley, slammed the guy on the pavement, handcuffed the guy behind his back, grabbed the guy's shoulders, lifted him, and slammed him back down. H repeated the process ten more times and flipped the guy over.

"Crap! You're not Itachi! Wrong drugee… Oh well…"

-WITH KANKUROU, TENTEN, AND NARUTO…-

"You're goin' down, you delinquents!" exclaimed Naruto, chasing down Konohamaru's group. He slammed them on the handcuffed them, and threw them in the cop car.

"What'd they do?" asked Tenten.

"…Iunno…"

-WITH CHOUJI, SHJIKAMARU, AND TEMARI…-

"I don't see anyone…" said Temari.

"Let's beat someone up with the sticks!" said Chouji.

"Sounds like a plan… but I know it isn't…" responded Shikamaru.

-LATER, AFTER THE EVENT…-

"Team Gaara: 20 points, for drug addicts, Team Tenten: -12 for jail breaks, Team Ino: -75 for police abuse and shirking, and Team Kiba: 60 for catching the one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater. Our winner: Team Kiba! SO the G team and K team each have one point. Next event: cheer-leading competition!"

There was a big G team "SON OF A –BEEP-!" excluding, of course, Sakura, who had a bone to pick with Ino after the frying pan collision which caused her to get a broken leg, and her team to lose to Ino's.

-G TEAM, READY TO KILL!-

"Okay… I have to participate… whatever, you're a girl, participate… White-Eyes, you look like a girl, participate…" muttered Gaara.

-T TEAM, WHO GIVES!-

"Me, Lee, and the gay guy… What's his name, anyway?" asked Tenten, forgetting it since the last time she said it. How's that obscure for you?

-I TEAM, WASTING TIME!-

"Me, Shik, and Temari," announced Ino. "Sorry Chouji. You're just a fatas-"

-K TEAM, WASTE OF TIME!-

"Alright! It'll be me, Hinata, and Shino!" said Kiba. Just to make him slightly interesting, a football flew at him and hit him where it hurts, reducing him to a quivering mass.

-G TEAM, G!-

"Okay… any plans?" asked Neji.

"Human pyramid! Gaara on top!" Sakura said, already having thought this out. "That'll show that little who-"

"He weighs 20 pounds, stupid prep!"

"Just for the record, my GOURD weighs 90 pounds. I weigh 110," slightly shoving Neji.

"Don't shove me!" Neji said, shoving Gaara back.

"Don't shove Gaara!" Sakura said, shoving Neji.

"Don't shove White-Eyes!" Gaara said, shoving Sakura.

"Don't call me that!" Neji said, shoving Gaara.

"Don't push me without reason!" Gaara said, shoving Neji.

Then G team started beating the crap out of each other, except for Sakura, who only beat the crap out of Neji, Gaara, who decided that beating up Sakura would only be counterproductive against Neji, and Sasuke, who wasn't there.

-T TEAM… T.-

Who cares?

-I-I… I TEAM!-

"Shikamaru, since you really don't do ANYTHING, we'll just, like, throw you… or something…" stated Ino.

-K TEAM, K?-

Hinata said nothing but secretly hoped to impress Naruto… always secretly… -Angstangstangst-

-FOOTBALL FIELD…-

"Okay… after that –coughcoughpervertedanddisgustingcoughcough- performance by Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson… ew… let's watch a light show the –coughpossiblepropcough- mountain!" announced Gai. Blablabla $15 lights blablabla. "Now, the Konoha cheerleaders! We have recently bought a –coughcoughcheapcoughcough- clap-o-meter. Whoever gets the most applause is the best! First up, G TEAM!"

Gaara's team walked out in bandages, excluding Gaara, whose sand armor made him look like an egg dropped off a skyscraper. Because of the serious injuries, Gaara just glared and threatened the audience with "CLAP or DIE!" and got 9 out of 10.

"Next team: I TEAM!" announced Gai.

As planned, they mainly just threw Shik around. Throwing him off the pyramid, grabbing his hands and throwing him back and forth, and human pong. Imagining all the damage Shikamaru must have sustained, the crowd gave them 0 out of 1-.

"Um… K team…" muttered Gai.

Their show was in no way entertaining. Kiba was in lead, a big mistake. Let's just completely forget the horrible choreography, pitiful music, and the overall horrible work… and the fact that I just sounded like Simon Cowell. Surprisingly, they got 5 out of 10.

"Finally, T team!" said Gai.

They weren't mentioned for A REASON! Y-yeah… too many words… They were absolutely and completely superior. 10 out of 10.

"Well it looks like we have our winner! T-TEAM!" yelled Gai.

"I will hunt you all down and rip you open! Lock your doors…" threatened Gaara. Everyone did so, Naruto accidentally locking himself out. Whatever.

-THE NEXT DAY…-

"Alright, Event, Number Four, personality test! A written exam! Fifteen questions, five about each of your teammates. Here they are…" Gai explained, passing out the papers and some pencils. Considering that's usually how a written exam works.

-25 MINUTES LATER…-

"Okay, stop everybody," Gai said, picking up the papers. "Let's see… G TEAM got… 63 points-"

"Hey! How'd they get that! There's only 45 points possible!" argued Naruto.

"Well, Sasuke got nine questions right, Gaara left most of them blank, including the question about his teammates' names, and Sakura wrote a 96-page report about Gaara. I didn't really want to read that whole things, so I just gave them an unreasonable amount of points. There is no point in naming any other team points, for everyone else blew. So now it's G team: 2, T team: 1, I team: -1, and K team: 1. Event five: The Path of Death! Let's give a layout. First, you have to go through the shifting maze, run through the half-mile flame tunnel, and pass the baton you'll be carrying to the next person. That person must enter the care near them, drive for six miles, stop, get out, run across the thin ice where if you stay stationary for longer than two seconds you'll fall into the freezing water, then pass the baton to the final person. That person must them enter a helicopter and fly pas the anti-aircraft weaponry. If they crash, they must cross a mine field. If they get pas that, they must pass through fifty feet of thin, moving death lasers and give me the baton. Ready?" asked Gai.

There was a big group "SON OF A-"

-…EFORE THE EVENT…-

-EVENT! OF DOOOOOOM!-

Sasuke, Lee, Temari, and Kiba were all lined up at a crimson line.

"Ready, set, die/go!" announced Gai.

They started off. Lee was in the lead, then Sasuke, then Temari, then finally Kiba. But Lee got confused and started running back to the starting line. Kiba and Temari were dong so-so, but Sasuke blew them away. He faced trouble, though, in the flame tunnel. Since he happened to be wearing his black one-piece pant outfit, he soon lit up like a dead, dry log. He started rolling on the ground, turning into a ninja inferno. Kiba and Temari soon faced the same fate, though not as severe. They stayed there for about fifteen minutes until Lee flew past them in his special non-flammable spandex suit. Sasuke finally picked himself up and passed the non-flammable baton on to Neji.

Temari and Kiba had to be taken away by the ear-muffed doctor people on stretchers, disqualifying their teams. Neji soon caught up with Tenten. She didn't have the heart to hit Neji with her vehicle, but he did have the nerve to slam her into a tree with his. She backed up from the tree and, regretting, did the same back. They exited their cars at about the same moment and were neck and neck on the ice, but Tenten slipped and fell under.

She called for help but he ignored her. Then her cold, blue hand pulled Neji under as well. She slammed him on the seafloor and started choking him Homer style. He shoved her away and swam with all his might up to the surface, continuing to pass the baton to Sakura. Unfortunately, Tenten had already swan into a nearby aquifer and thrown up the baton to Naruto through a well. Sakura and Naruto entered their respective choppers and were off. Naruto swerved toward Sakura and accidentally got their rotary blades knotted together. As they fell, Naruto apologized with "I hope this won't affect our relationshiiiiiiiiiiip!"

When they landed, Sakura promptly shove Naruto on the nearest mine. There was a huge mushroom cloud explosion and Naruto was heard screaming, "WOW, NOW I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LITERALLY BE 'MAN ON FIRE!' EAT THAT, DENZEL!"

True to his word, Naruto was indeed a human blaze, but his stomach almost instantly ate the flame. When Sakura gave him an inquisitive look, Naruto explained, "Oh, they're just explosives! Kyuubi causes me to combust since he's flammable, but then he eats the flames up… just like candy!"

Naruto was officially promoted to meat shield. He plowed through the field with her close behind. Finally, they reached the lasers. Sakura, the little free-loading urchin, was far ahead of Naruto. But, for payback, Naruto called, "I hope this won't affect our relationship!" and threw the blunt side of a kunai at her. She fell down and tastefully got holes blown through her.

"HALLELUJAH!" yelled Gaara. Problem solved.

Naruto won with six holes through his body But what's worse (for Gaara), Sakura walked out alive and we-um, alive.

"Bull –BEEP-!" Gaara cursed.

"Out of pity… um… hold your breath contest…" stated Gai.

Gaara, who hardly ever breathes, easily won it.

-6 DAYS LATER…-

"Okay, now that Temari and Kiba are out of their heart induced coma, let's do the final event" the COMMECIAL! G team has already won. If T team gets one more point, they'll also win. If G team wins, only they will win. There's no hope for anyone else!" Gai announced. "You'll be advertising Buzz, the super energy drink.

-COMMERCIALS: THE FIRST COMING! 8 HOURS OR SO LATER!-

"First up, G team!" announced Gai. He pointed to the large movie screen in front of the theater they were all seated in. The directors were respectively wearing tacky baseball caps.

"Enter Sandman" by Metallica started playing as Gaara walked up on the screen. "What drives me? Well hate, of course, but that's a given. I am also driven by the unreasonable amounts of sugar, caffeine, and untested chemicals found in THE BUZZ!" he announced.

Then a huge Buzz can made of sand came up from the ground. Soon the can busted open at one spot on the bottom and his teammates started running out as sand disguised as Buzz busted out behind them. Then everything reversed. As they were paused leaving the can, the sky started melting as gerbils ran across it. Then the screen switched to white, text on a black background saying, as read quickly by Sasuke, "TheBuzzwillcausethisstateofinsanityiftakeninexcess.Thebuzzcreatorsarenotresponsibleforanydamagedonetopersonalpropertyetceteradamagedbythedrinker."

Then a white room appeared with a can of The Buzz in it next to the motto, "DRINK OR DIE!"

"O-kay… Next, T TEAM!" announced Gai.

T team's film was CRAP. It was a cheap excuse for real talent. It looked like a home video, still have a REC text in red at the top right.

Lee came up holding a can and said in a monotonous and shaky voice, "H-hi everyone…. Um, tr-try Buzz-the Buzz-it's… wazzat? Goo? No, good. Um, yeah… Why is-no...! 'Why is it c-called B-buzz?' you –beep-no-ask. Hold the cue card level, Tenten! And spell things rit-no… RIGHT! Um try it… y-yeah!"

"Alrighty then! I TEAAAM!" announced Gai.

Their creation was amazing. A genius, namely Shikamaru, coordinated it. It was a perfect blend of all genres like a smoothie. Mmmm… smoothies… Or a salad. Ewww… salad… No details will be listed, considering how long it would take to describe all of its beauty.

Gai was wiping a tear from his eye as he announced, "K TEAM! Spend some of our time that could have otherwise been used for a productive purpose!"

That they did. So in the commercial, Akamaru, walked up to Kiba. Kiba said to the camera, "Here's proof that everything loves the Buzz. Come on up, RANDOM DOG WHO I DID NOT TRAIN TO RESPOND POSITIVELY!"

Akamaru did a sudden, impromptu growl. Kiba whispered to Akamaru to open his mouth and poured the buzz into Akamaru's mouth. In an instant one of Akamaru's eyes get every small while the other got very large. Then Akamaru started running in a straight line so fast he broke records. He could have gone faster if there wasn't that concrete wall in his path. The scene flashed off to Kiba and a random cat. "Well, if it isn't dog's best friend, cats are still CRAZY for it!" said Kiba, making a VERY general statement.

He held the can up to the kitten's nose so it could have a whiff, and that cat zoomed into its litter box where it passed out from the fumes from the Buzz. The screen flashed off and came back to Kiba standing next to a fish bowl. He tiredly commented, "Well, fish aren't picky…. they live in water all the time anyway…"

He poured a little buzz into the bowl. A mini-mushroom explosion took place in the bowl. Shino quickly put a sign in front of the screen saying "DRINK BUZZ!", which was quickly covered with water and fish blood.

'Well I can see who won by a landslide," announced Gai as the I team got hopeful expressions. "G and T teams win!"

"BULL –BEEP-! You just wanted Lee to win!" accused Shikamaru.

"…So?"

To be continued in Chapter 8,

"Oh How the Low Have Fallen"