Chapter 7: When it all falls apart
Tommy's Pov
My heart pounds in my chest as I walk over to Adam's house, sure we've been hanging out together for a few weeks, but I still can't help but get nervous around him. It's hard to explain but just every time I'm around him I feel like there's butterflies in my stomach, but yet he makes me feel so alive. We always have a ton of fun together, whether we go out or some shit like that or if we're just sitting in his room talking, we always have fun. I can talk to him about anything; I can laugh with him like I don't have a single care in the world, and I can be myself with him, I don't have to pretend, I've never felt so alive. Today we're going to go on a walk, like we did the first time we hung out, maybe we'll go somewhere else too, just depends on where we end up.
I knock on the door to his house and he opens the door in the matter of a minute, and steps out. We head up the street just walking silently together. I look up at him walking he looks a little lost, but he's probably just thinking or something, I tend to do that a lot. I look up at the sky, bright blue not a single cloud in the sky, so gorgeous. I look back at Adam and smile a little, god I love him, but I didn't have the balls to tell him how I feel I mean we've kissed a few times, but I highly doubt we'll ever be a couple I mean c'mon seriously? Look at me and look at me, I'm nothing, he wouldn't want to waste his time on me, he could have anyone. I told him I liked him a few weeks ago, but that didn't really lead to anything, just a stronger friendship I guess, guess he thought I meant it in a friendly way. I let a soft sigh escape my lips and Adam looks down at me.
"You okay." He asks softly. I nod slowly and look up at him and smile slightly.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I say and smile a little more and he smiles back.
"So whatcha thinkin' about?" He asks, and I smile more.
"Nothing really, just stuff." I say.
"What kind of stuff?" He asks curiously.
"Nothing you need to worry about." I say.
"Pleaaaassssseeeee tellllll meeeeeee." He whines and I giggle a little.
"Nope, sorry." He rolls his eyes and lets out a loud sigh.
"Fine!" He whines. I start to laugh, and I pull him into a hug, which he gladly returns.
"Sorry, but it's really not that important." I say softly, we let go and he ruffles my hair a little and smiles.
"Okay I forgive you." He says and we start walking again. We mostly just make small talk for the rest of our walk, nothing serious. We get back to our houses about a half an hour later. We give each other hugs goodbye and I go inside and up to my room. Not long after I close the door to my room I hear a soft knock.
"Come in!" I yell. My mother slips in silently and sits on the edge of my bed.
"Hello Thomas." She says. God I hate it when people call me that, especially her.
"Mom, call me Tommy." I say.
"Sorry, Hello Tommy." She corrects, "So I see you've taken a liking to Leila's son Adam." She says softly.
"Yeah he's cool," I say, "he's really easy to get along with." She looks down at her hands than back up at me.
"Well I'm glad," she says softly, "I saw you to hugging when you got back." She says in almost a whisper.
"And what's wrong with that?" I say defensively.
"Well um," She says, "well he's gay dear."
"What's wrong with being gay?" I say.
"It's a sin Thomas!" She says louder. I look at her my eyes cold, this was not my mother, and I refused to call her my mother.
"There's nothing wrong with it!" I say harshly "It's a lifestyle and they can't help it! Do you seriously think people chose to be gay! To be spit on by society. To not be able to marry and have kids, to be bullied and be treated like that for the rest of their lives! Who the fuck would chose that!" I had to admit I was freaking out, but I always did when she acted like this.
"Honey it is a choice!" She practically yells, "And those people are disgusting and immoral, I don't want my son being around those mistakes."
"Adam is no mistake," I say softly, "and neither is anyone of a different sexuality, they were born that way, like you were born straight honestly, when did you chose to be straight?" She sighed softly.
"Honey I just don't want you to be around him okay?" She says, "He's a bad influence all fags and dikes are." I have to retrain myself form punching her.
"What would you do if I was fag?" I ask softly.
"Oh honey you're not a fag?" She says and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"And if I am?" I look into her light brown of eyes filled with shock.
"No son of mine is a fag;" she says coldly, "no child of mine will ever be like that." She gets up and before she leaves she looks back at me.
"If I ever hear you talking about being a fag again, I will never let you see that Lambert kid ever again." She slams the door and I curl up in a ball on my bed and start sobbing uncontrollably. God I hate her, I hate her with everything inside me, I don't want to leave with this family, I have to get out, I don't know how much longer I can take this shit. I wish I could just be a part of a family where I can be myself, and actually be loved and accepted. I'm tired of pretending, I just want to feel loved for who I am, is that too much to ask?
I want to come out to my parents, but as you just saw, that wouldn't work out very well, and I technically just came out to my Mom, so yeah that didn't go down well at all. My sobbing calms down a little bit and I sit up and stare at my wall. I sigh and wipe the tears that silently fall down my face; my entire life has been one giant lie, and nothing more. I'm just a lie, I'm not even a real person anymore, I'm just fake. I sigh again and slip off my bed to grab my guitar, I start to play randomly just to make myself feel better, but it doesn't work, after what just happened I doubt anything would make me feel any better at this point. I guess I'll just have to cry it out like a pussy, or, no. No I won't do that again, I quit that, I promised myself never again.
I almost died, I almost died that one night three years ago, form cutting. I used to cut myself all the time, it started in 6th grade, and since then /I couldn't stop, it was the only thing that made myself feel better, but I'll never do that again, never. I almost died when I was 14, I had been home alone, my sister was a friend's house and my parents were out, I lost too much blood, and passed out, I woke up in a hospital. That memory will haunt me for the rest of my life, that's why I always where sweatshirts.
I hear a soft thump home from Adam's room next door, my head snaps in that direction immediately. As soon as I look my heart smashes into a million pieces and all I want to do is lie down and die. Adam is on his bed on top of a medium sized brunette, eating his face off.
Okay so, please, please don't kill me. I haven't been updating, so here's my excuse. I was sick for about a week, than went back to school and had a bunch of homework to do. Than it was the last week of school and it was really busy, than heh go figure I got sickā¦.again! But it didn't last as long, than I had to prepare for my talent show today, which I WON! :D anyway I was FINALLY able to post so, please don't be mad at me. I won't be able to post next week cause I'll be at choir camp, just saying. Anyway I've been checking up on reviews on my laptop and wow, I don't see why you people like this, it's so dull, so I added some drama, thanks for the love though! I love you all, thanks for the support. Give me a review if you love me!
~Sarah~
