a/n: Remember that time when I was a bitch and didn't update for months and months? I'm really terribly sorry about that and I have no real excuse for it. I've been in a weird fanfiction mode where I update something nonstop (by my standards) before heartlessly abandoning it for a time before I come back to it and finish it up.

Anyways, shit's about to get real. I don't know about you, but I'm excited.


There are times when you have a decision to make and you think about it, agonizing over every possible result and scenario in which you could go wrong. This was how Merlin had been living for so many years, desperately hoping The Moment would just present itself to him when he had to make what might become the most important decision of his life.

But then there are other times when you're mind is working beneath the surface. There are times when you are steeling yourself to do something and you didn't even realize it and all of a sudden, the decision shifts into your consciousness and no matter what you do, you can't shake it.

Merlin could hardly believe his eyes as he watched him. He spoke with Iseldir with the same regality and manners he would use with any other person of importance. He stood by and asked questions politely as another healer checked on Merlin's wounds. He watched from a distance as a group of younger Druids sat around an ancient looking warlock telling a fairytale. Merlin saw the way his eyes lit up as the characters actually came to life as shapes in the light of the flames they sat around, shimmering and beautiful.

If Merlin didn't know that this was real, that that was truly Arthur and this was really happening, then he might have thought it a strange dream or an enchantment. But it was true, Arthur was really here in this Druid camp. He was really speaking to warlocks and magicians and Merlin was overwhelmed by the kindness Arthur was showing to these people he had considered corrupt, evil and less than human.

Maybe... just maybe...

Merlin shook the thought from his head as he walked over to where Arthur sat now. He was sitting cross-legged with Derryth. The little healer was sitting eagerly up on her knees so they were at eye-level and was trying to convince him to sing.

"I don't sing!" he insisted while he laughed. He spotted Merlin approaching the two of them and his face brightened, "You know who is a great singer though..."

"Don't even say it," Merlin said anticipating the suggestion as he sat beside the two of them.

"No! Merlin is a great singer," Arthur insisted clapping a hand on Merlin's shoulder who tried to glare but found the smile creeping back on his face. He was finding it impossible to keep the happiness and sheer relief from overwhelming him every time he remembered where he was, who he was with and what he had escaped.

"You sing?" Derryth asked, her eyes bright and innocent.

"No," Merlin said, "I'm afraid I don't. I'd like to hear you sing though."

"Yes, sing for us and if we know the song we'll join in," Arthur said smiling at Derryth.

She looked down at her feet, suddenly bashful. "What should I sing?" she asked timidly. She peeked up at Arthur from under her lashes.

"Whatever you like to sing best," Arthur said, his smile never fading.

Merlin wondered at it. The ease with which Arthur was living his days with these people had yet to prove any less amazing to Merlin.

Derryth nodded and smiled a little. She sat up a bit and cleared her throat before she began to sing.

From the moment the music began Merlin couldn't help from smiling.

Where you go so late said the knight on the road

No two spells feel the same and Merlin had learned that he could never be surprised. Sometimes it was a crack, a tiny explosion that used you as a vessel. Other times it was so faint and subtle that you hardly knew if you had done it properly. Magic was as organic as the world itself and Derryth wasn't an exception.

I'm going to meet my god said the child as he stood

Whatever magic was in her voice was nothing short of wonderful. It built very slowly in everyone who listened. It began with just this comfortable warmth in the very center of your being, somewhere between your heart and your stomach. Then it spread the way a shiver does when you're cold, like a jolt down your skin spreading all the way to the tips of your fingers and toes except it was exceptionally warm and spread slowly so that you could almost follow the magic dancing across your skin.

And he stood and he stood and it was well that he stood

Merlin wondered if Arthur could feel it, if he knew how much magic was in his own being without him ever realizing it.

I'm going to meet my god said the child as he stood

Derryth finished the verse and opened her mouth to continue when there was a flurry of movement somewhere in camp. She stopped singing and beamed as she saw the Druids gathering around the central fire.

"Dinner!" she exclaimed and she took Merlin's hands and began walking him towards the center of camp with the others as Arthur followed closely behind.

fdsjkafakls; fjklsda jfklsa; dfkl; jsakl;f jksal jdfklsa jkfl;as jk;fla

When Merlin woke up the next morning, he knew exactly what he was going to do. At first he imagined he had worked it out in his sleep, but when he really thought about it he had decided long before his eyes closed last night. He sat up and looked to see Arthur, still asleep but as he watched he turned so that he was facing Merlin, eyes still shut.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, unsure whether he was actually awake or just shifting in his sleep.

"Mm?" Arthur hummed sleepily.

"Will you take a walk with me?" Merlin asked. He felt Gwaine shift on his other side and felt his gaze on him but ignored it.

Arthur's eyes opened blearily and he looked at Merlin warily. "Is something-" he yawned, "-the matter?" Arthur asked, sitting up as well now.

Merlin didn't know how to answer that. Yes, there's been something the matter since we first met, he wanted to say.

"Just come," Merlin said, standing now. He had gotten significantly more stable on his feet since the morning before and he felt even more confident now with a full night's rest. He began to make his way through the maze of bodies between them and the mouth of the cave.

He felt like he was in a better position to do what he was about to do then he ever had before, but it didn't seem to calm his heartbeat at all. Arthur's heavy footsteps behind him did nothing to calm his nerves and he was acutely aware that Arthur had his sword by his side.

He tried to wipe those thoughts from his head as he stepped out into the early morning light. The sky was visible in patches between branches and leaves as the sky lightened and hid the last few stars that were fading.

He felt Arthur fall into stride beside him but didn't have the courage to meet his eyes which he could feel on him. Instead he focused on the still dark forest floor, trying not to trip.

Merlin had always suspected that he really imagined his own importance in the Princes life, and this was probably going to be the ultimate test of that and their friendship as a whole.

Merlin supposed his reaction would give him some insight on the matter, but then again who was to say which reaction would imply more intimacy? On one hand, if Arthur cared for Merlin he might be willing to get past this, to work through it and find a way to create some semblance of normalcy in their relationship even though Merlin had been lying all these years.

But then again, maybe it might mean more if he was so hurt he couldn't get past it. Wouldn't it be a testament to their friendship if a lie meant that much that it hurt him that much?

"What's going on, Merlin?" Arthur asked, stopping his pace as they reached a small clearing.

Merlin stood a little ways in front of him with his back turned to him. Merlin thought this would all be a hell of a lot easier if his heart wasn't pounding in his rib cage rather uncomfortably. He took a deep, steadying breath and turned to Arthur.

Arthur's face was half-obscured in shadow, but Merlin could make out the worry marring his features. This wasn't really fair of him to keep him wondering like this, but then again he had never been fair to Arthur. Can you really be fair if you're lying to someone?

"I need to talk to you about something," Merlin said. He was embarrassed by how small his voice sounded when the forest swallowed the sound.

Arthur raised his shoulders and said, "Well... talk." He sounded unworried, casual, but Merlin could hear the layer of uncertainty beneath his tone.

For the thousandth time he wondered if this was the right thing to do. This could ruin everything he had created, all the progress he had managed. He had began to consider Arthur a friend... best friend if truth be told. Whether Arthur saw him as anything more than a servant was another matter entirely. And even with all they'd been through and all they still had to do, he'd never be able to fulfill their destinies if they didn't do this at some point.

If he was being honest, he selfishly wanted this to be over for his own sake. The torture of keeping up the act, of hiding who he was and always waiting for the lie to crash in on him had become more than he could bear. He could almost convince himself that he would be happier whichever way Arthur reacted.

But that didn't quell the fear that Arthur would hate him or that desperate hope that they could make it through this together.

It was that entirely selfish drive that forced the next words out of his mouth before he could think.

"What would you do if I lied to you?" Merlin asked. He didn't even bother to try to make his voice sound casual. What use was it to sugar-coat the biggest lie of his life and their friendship.

Arthur stood there for a moment, just staring at Merlin completely at a loss. He was standing a ways away in the clearing and his eyes were shining with too much emotion. The shadows of the trees were moving on the ground as the sun climbed higher in the sky and the birds began to wake up, adding their song to the sound of the blood rushing in Merlin's ears.

"I suppose," Arthur began awkwardly, not sure how he was supposed to approach this, "it would depend how bad the lie was."

Merlin was staring at the ground between them as he listened to Arthur's response. Some twisted part of his brain gave him the urge to laugh at that, but he resisted. How bad? What an absurd question.

"About as bad as it can be..." Merlin said, slowly raising his eyes up to Arthur's face to see that his face had fallen into something that was more worried than suspicious and it just made Merlin's stomach twist into knots with guilt.

"Merlin..." Arthur said quietly taking a step towards him and Merlin actually took a fleeting step backwards. Arthur stared, his eyebrows furrowed. "Merlin," he repeated, his voice more forceful now, "What's going on?"

Merlin took a deep, quivering breath and just stared at the look of concern on Arthur's face. "Have you done something?" Arthur asked, "If it happened while you were in the dungeons, you can't expect anyone to blame you if you hurt anyone-"

"It wasn't," Merlin interrupted him, "It wasn't... no, none of that." What made it worse was how worried Arthur was, assuming he was confessing to hurting someone else. Merlin shouldn't be surprised that it never once occurred to Arthur that he was the one who had been hurt.

"Then what is it?" Arthur said and he gave a nervous laugh even though his anxiety was rising with every moment Merlin avoided the question. "You're the one who wanted to talk to me and you won't say anything," he said.

Merlin felt like he was suffocating as the lump in his throat grew. He didn't know if he'd be able to speak for much longer without breaking into choking sobs but he managed to force the words out.

"I told you that..." his voice was so quiet, cracked and weak as he tried desperately to maintain some composure, "I told you that they sewed my mouth together because I talked to much."

Arthur's chin dropped as he surveyed Merlin, finally speaking in words he could understand. "Yes..." he said dubiously, dragging the word out.

"Well," Merlin said lifting his chin, "I lied."

Arthur shifted his feet and crossed his arms, his sword bumping against his legs as he did so. He noticed how Merlin's eyes flicked down to the weapon and back up to Arthur's eyes for just a second.

"Well..." Arthur said when Merlin didn't continue, "Are you going to tell me what really happened?"

Merlin smiled wryly at him even as he felt his eyes pool with tears. "Can't you see?" Merlin said and it was more of a broken whisper than anything. So many clues that Arthur could have picked up on and never did he see, never did he even think...

Arthur stared at him, his eyes more serious than before as he tried desperately to understand. "No, Merlin, I don't," he said forcefully, "It would help if you bothered to speak plainly instead of talking in riddles!"

"The note!" Merlin cried, too desperate for Arthur to know to be wary of his actions, "It's all there if you would just see!"

That got Arthur's heart beating rather violently in his chest. He was the one who took a step backwards this time and he lifted a shaking hand to wipe down his face.

"Are you saying..." Arthur began, his voice quavering, "That he was... doing those things-"

"No!" Merlin cried, still humiliated by the assumption that had sent Arthur riding to his rescue. "Just... do you remember what it said?" Merlin asked holding his hand out to Arthur, like reaching out to him might help him to understand.

"Yes," Arthur said harshly, "I remember very vividly."

"But, you didn't understand it," Merlin said earnestly, "You just saw what you wanted to see."

"What I wanted to see?" Arthur almost shouted.

"That's not what I- damn it!" Merlin spun on his heel in frustration and dragged his fingers through his hair. "Gods, Arthur!" he cried, "Why can't you just understand!"

"Because you won't explain!" Arthur shouted back at him and advanced a few steps and once more Merlin took those hasty steps backwards, too dependent on that cushion of empty space between them.

Arthur stopped immediately and couldn't hide the hurt. He didn't know what was worse, the fact that Merlin was retreating from him or the fact that there was something so serious that Merlin felt the need to back away.

"Merlin," his voice was desperate, "please tell me." Merlin shook his head and one of the tears finally fell. "Please..." Arthur said, taking a careful step towards Merlin who found the courage to stay where he was. "You're scaring me," Arthur said and he took another step towards him.

He reached both of his arms out slowly and Merlin eyed them but, amazingly, didn't move away. Merlin felt the weight of Arthur's heavy hands like they were made of lead resting on his shoulders.

He flicked his eyes up to Arthur's. He didn't know what it was that finally had those words spilling from his mouth but something about the look Arthur was giving him caught him off guard and before he knew it, he had said it.

"I have magic."

No turning back now.


a/n: Sooooooooooo yeah. Here it comes. The next one's gonna be the real deal.

You know when authors say 'Oh yeah, I already wrote the next chapter so it'll be up soon' when they haven't started it mostly as a means to motivate themselves to write so they're not liars. Well I ACTUALLY wrote the next chapter because originally, it was all one chapter that was going to be posted together but I thought I'd throw a little cliffy in there for funsies. You know, to punish all you readers who were too nice and patient with me and actually came back to read this after I abandoned you :D

So next chapter up in the next 3 daysish probably so I can get a headstart on the next chapter (which I anticipate will be a really hard one) and make the conversation really good (hopefully)