Buffy tossed and turned all night, unable to get much sleep. As hard as she tried, she couldn't stop thinking about the most recent man that had hurt her. She didn't understand what she kept doing wrong. First, Angel... He left. He wanted to protect her, and he couldn't be around her because that would tempt him too much. And Parker... Parker was an ass. She knew that now. He was too much of a man-whore to be anything serious. But the lingering question was still there. Why didn't he want her and just her? Wasn't she good enough? Was she really so bad in bed that everyone just wanted to leave her? Spike had said so before. When he was after the Gem of Amarra... He was always the one who said truthful things whenever she never wanted to hear them. Was this one of those things? Was he right about this too?

But then it came to him. They had never had sex, yet he still didn't want to be with her.

Was she so repulsive? Was she such a horrible person that no one wanted her? She thought about all these all night, resulting in her eyes being completely red the next morning. After a few eye drops, she knew her Slayer healing would kick in and make them good as new. Too bad that doesn't work with a broken heart, she thought. She made herself as presentable as possible and made her way to Giles', already determined on what she was going to do.

She was silently thankful that it was November. The sun set early, which means she could patrol early. That was one thing that kept her going was knowing she could beat the crap out of some fledglings without any repercussions. She could talk about anything and they wouldn't be able to repeat a single thing, because they would be dead within seconds of her finishing.

She had killed two on her way to Giles', and had felt the presence of another the entire walk there. She knew who it was. She always knew. Only one—well, two—vampires could barely be there and be completely there at the same time, and one was in Los Angeles. She felt her heart squeeze on its own accord as she caught a whiff of cigarettes. Don't think about how he's only about five feet away, or how he kisses, or how he hurt you... She pushed her thoughts away the best she could, eager to be with her friends, even if it was for the short while she had planned. Opening the door, she fake smiled to her friends, and asked what the new bad was.

"Well it seems we have some new information on those mysterious people you've seen lately."

"Really?"

"Yes... Um.. Spike was able to tell us a few things about them.. They're hiding underground, somewhere near campus."

"Didn't we already know that?"

"We did, but what we didn't know was that Riley is one of them," Willow said uneasily.

"Riley? Big, tall, teachers assistant Riley?"

"Yeah, him," Xander scoffed.

"Oh... Well, maybe we could see if we can get some information out of him?"

"You could so do that!" Willow said enthusiastically. "He totally has a crush on you!"

"No, he doesn't. He's just a spaz..."

"A totally cute spaz that has a giant crush on the Buffster."

"Whatever," Buffy said, ignoring the encouraging look Willow was giving her. "Anyway, I was just stopping by to tell you all that I'm going to go on patrol and then head home... Mom's gone this weekend and I miss being in my bed."

"Ooh, wanna hang? Get some pizza, popcorn, and rent a movie?" Xander asked.

"No, thanks. Just some time alone..."

"Oh, well, you know where we'll be if you need us," Giles said, not completely ignoring his Slayer's feelings or the looks she was making.

"Alright, well, I'll see you guys later..." she said, waving as she walked out the door.

"So how does she seem to you guys?" Xander asked.

"In pain," the two said simultaneously. "She's hurting," Willow said.

"Is it strange that she's hurting over Spike?" Xander asked.

"Very much. But it's not the first time she's fallen for a vampire," Willow replied.

"Yes, but this seems a lot worse than Angel," Giles said forlornly.

"Which again, also weird. She actually loved Angel. She doesn't love Spike, right?"

...

Buffy walked toward the cemetery, quietly waiting for the vampires show. After several minutes of nothing, she sighed and sat atop a nearby headstone. "Spike, if you're going to be around me, you could at least be where I can see you." Just feeling you there is worse.

"Didn't want to be in your way, pet," he said, sulking into view.

"It's not like it's crowded," she said, opening her arms to show the wide-open view of the empty cemetery.

"Thought you wanted me to leave you alone," he said softly.

"I did... I do. But if you're going to follow me, I at least want you to be where I can see you. It's easier. Anyway, it's dead here. No pun intended. I think I'm just gonna head home."

"Then why'd you call me out?"

Because I wanted to see you, if only for a second. "Because I was getting annoyed," she lied. She was good at that, especially with him. Willow could catch when she was lying, and occasionally so could Giles. Spike couldn't though. He didn't know her, not like the others.

"Uh-huh. Well, ta," he said, walking away.

"Will you walk with me?" she asked quickly, the words sputtering from her mouth quicker than she could think.

"Umm... alright," he said. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stalked beside her.

Within minutes, they were at Rovello Drive in front of her house.

"Wanna come in?" she asked hesitantly.

"What?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked again, this time more sure of herself. She was looking at him fully in the eye and she was praying he would. She opened the door and walked in, leaving it open if he dared enter. She didn't turn around. She didn't wait for an answer. Instead, she walked right up to her room.

...

Spike was flabbergasted. He heard the words, and saw her movements, but it didn't completely register. He stared disbelievingly at the empty space in front of him. He was straining to figure out why Buffy was acting this way. It wasn't normal for her, in any time. He huffed as he hauled himself inside, shutting the door behind him, and jogged up the stairs. "Buffy, what're you..." his words were cut short by the sight of a very naked Buffy, sitting on the edge of her bed. Immediately he turned his back, shocked to see her like that. "Slayer," he growled, "what do you think you're doing?" He heard her breathing hitch and was dreadfully curious to what she was thinking.
"Spike..." she said softly, "don't you want me?"
YES! his body screamed. "Buffy, love, I do. But not like this."
"Oh," she said. He heard her bed squeak and her shuffling around. "You can turn around now."
"You decent?"
"Yeah... What do you mean 'not like this?'"
He turned to look at the hurt young woman behind him. "I mean, I don't want to take advantage of you. You're hurt, confused, and who knows what else. I don't want to have sex with you."
"Oh," she said again, wrapping her robe tighter to her. He couldn't ignore the small tears forming in her green eyes.
He groaned inwardly and took a step toward her. "I don't want to have sex with you."
"I heard you the first time," she said angrily.
"You don't understand. I don't want to have sex with you, because I want to make love to you. I want to because we love each other, not just to get some pleasure out of it."
"Wow," she said automatically. " I don't think I've ever heard a guy say that. That's kinda the exact opposite of Parker..." she said grimly, flinching slightly at the use of his name. Part of her still hurt from his stupidity.
"Parker?"
"Yeah..? Don't you remember? You kinda rubbed it in my face that I wasn't any-good," she said sheepishly.
"When was that?"
"A few months ago. You had gotten ahold of the Gem of Amarra..." He was kicking himself pretty hard now. He had forgotten how sensitive she used to be, and how he managed to make everything worse.
"So Stupid..." he said too soft for her to hear.
"Spike, are you okay?" she asked with genuine concern, subconsciously stretching a hand out to meet his.
"Yeah. Just-um- having a bit o' trouble remembering things lately." Wasn't exactly a lie.
"Things have been pretty crazy. I feel like that too, ever since I got back from LA. I always feel like I'm forgetting something."
Of course he knew what that was. She and Angel had had an amazing day together, because Angel had accidentally returned to being human. Stupidly he gave it all up. Why? Because he thought he'd be a liability. More of a wanker than I realized. The Great Poof doesn't know when to be happy. I'd do anything for her. I'd stay human... Think she might like it better that way... "Yeah. Well if you are all right, I'm going to head out. I've gotta..."
"Will you stay? Please?"
"Thought you said you wanted to be alone?"
"I wanted to be away from my friends. They mean well, but... I mean Wilow hurts just as..."
As bad as she does, he thought, filling the blanks in.
"And Xander just doesn't know what to say or act about it. Giles is- well, Giles. He thinks he knows best, but he's almost as bad as Xander."
He sighed as she finished talking. He knew he should go. He's always known he should leave, but he could never bring himself to leave. Sometimes he thought himself to be a coward. He could never face his biggest opponent for fear of losing. He couldn't bear to be alone anymore. So, he stayed in Sunnydale, where people feared and hated him, and demons respected him. The Hellmouth. Well that part's right. Certainly is a hellhole. "Alright, pet. I'll stay. 'S long as you get some clothes on first."
She smiled softly and nodded. And he, being the gentleman he is, left the room until she called to him. "Wouldn't you rather go downstairs?" So I'll be less tempted to rip those clothes right off you.
"Not really. I mean, I'm pretty tired. Haven't gotten much sleep lately," she blushed.
"Why's that?" he asked, taking a seat in her desk chair.
"I was looking up stuff..." she said vaguely.
"For what?"
"Our wedding," she whispered, looking down at the frayed ends of her old, oversized t shirt.
"Ah. Look, I am sorry I called it off, really. But don't you think we rushed in to it?"
"No. I mean, we've known each other for years."
"Yeah, but we were trying to kill each other! Buffy, think about it. A few weeks ago you hated me. You wouldn't even give me a pack of blood on Thanksgiving! Why would you want to marry me?"
Buffy sat quietly on her bed. He was praying that he was getting through to her. She had to move on, continue with her life. She had to be with sodding Army Boy. She had to. "You're right. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that I can't sleep because I'm worry about you. It doesn't make sense that all I can think about is you kissing me, or holding me, or even just touching me! Hell, it doesn't make sense that all this was in my mind years ago, and not just now!" Her voice was frantic now. She was grasping for the right word, trying so hard not to crack. She couldn't believe she was actually telling him this, but there really was no use in her lying to him. She was tired of lying, of hiding...
"I- what?" was all he could say. He was no longer idly sitting in her chair, and she wasn't sitting on her bed either. They were standing, face to face, wide eyed at each other. He didn't know if he could trust what she was saying, but he knew she had no reason to lie.
"There's something there, Spike. I feel it, and i know you know it. I have these feelings, and I don't understand them. I want to, God I do. Half the time I just want to punch you, and the other half I want to kiss you. I-"
He could feel her body heat close to him. He could feel her breath on his skin, and her voice vibrating through him. And her words! He prayed so hard that what she was saying was true. He didn't think he could bear it if it wasn't. He couldn't take it anymore. Without a second thought, he kissed her, hard and soft at the same time. He knew how to kiss her to make her moan, or to squirm, or to do anything he wanted. But he didn't want to push. He just... He pulled himself away, and immediately regretted it. He had kissed a willing Buffy, but not like this. This Buffy was desperate to feel loved, not just to feel. "Buffy," he moaned, as she started kissing his neck.
"Hmm?" she mumbled against his skin as she wrapped her arms around him, pushing his duster off. The lapels reached his hands before he realized he needed to push her away.

"Buffy, love, stop," he mumbled.

"Why?" she asked, continuing to rub her hands over his torso and nibbling on his ear.

"We've already had this conversation," he said, finally pulling away from her. "I'm gonna go. See ya later then," he said, walking out of the room and not looking back.