The past two months flew by for John and Randy. They continuously flew back and forth from St. Louis to West Newberry. John had it extremely bad. Usually, the day after they returned home, John was on another plane going off somewhere for the shows.
This was one of those times.
John and Randy were driving home from the airport. The car ride was silent most of the time. Randy was in the passenger seat doing everything in his power to stay awake. He knew that he had only a few hours left with John, and Randy wasn't going to waste those hours sleeping.
"Baby, go to sleep. I'm wide awake; you don't have to worry about me falling asleep. You look tired." John said in a low voice.
"No, I'm not going to sleep." Randy stubbornly said. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "I'm not that tired anyway."
"Right . . ." John said, giving Randy a sideways glance. When he saw Randy's head fall back, but immediately jerk up, he sighed and took Randy's hand. "Randy, we have about thirty minutes before we get home. Take a nap. I know you are tired."
"I can't sleep right now, John."
"Why not?"
"Because . . . you're leaving in the morning . . . I want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can." Randy said, looking at John.
John sighed sadly and lifted Randy's hand up, kissing it. He felt the same way Randy did. John wanted to milk every second he had with his soon-to-be-husband.
"John?" Randy's voice was low.
"Yes, Rand?"
"Can you wake me up in the morning?"
"Why?" John asked, glancing over at Randy again.
"I want to see you off." Randy was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. His head was leaning towards John, but resting on his shoulder. "I think it'll be easier for me . . ."
Randy's voice trailed off. John knew that Randy had finally fallen asleep. Randy's hand was limp in his. He sighed and lifted Randy's hand up again, kissing it.
Randy didn't wake up even when John pulled into their driveway. He didn't wake up when John announced that they were home. Smiling, John left the car and heater on. He got out of the car, grabbed Randy's bags and took them in the house. He was going to leave his things in the car. It would be easier for him since he wouldn't have to do it in the morning. John quickly turned down the bed before coming back outside.
Randy was right where John left him. He hadn't moved an inch. John took a minute and just watched Randy's chest rise and fall. Randy was beautiful when he was asleep. He looked so peaceful. John carefully took off Randy's seatbelt. Wrapping his arms around him, John slowly lifted him out of the car. Randy's head turned and rested on John's shoulder. He let out a content sigh.
John smiled and carried Randy into the house and up to their room. He carefully laid Randy down on the bed and took off his shoes, socks, jacket, and pants. John kissed Randy's head before going back downstairs. He closed and locked the car; he then went back inside, locking and dead-bolting the door. John made his way around the house, making sure that they were safely locked in, making sure that everything that needed to be turned off was off, before returning to the bedroom.
Stopping in the doorway, John took in the sight that was before him. Randy was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, hugging John's pillow. Randy's face was buried halfway in the pillow, but John could see how comfortable he was. Regardless if it was his pillow, John would do nothing to disrupt that peace.
After getting himself ready for bed, John made sure that the alarm was set before gently crawling into the bed beside Randy.
The second Randy felt the bed go down, Randy turned around, forgetting John's pillow, and curled up against the solid frame. A tiny smile graced Randy's lips when he felt those soft, muscular arms wrap around him. John gently kissed the top of Randy's head before getting comfortable.
"You'll wake me up, won't you, John?" Randy's voice was barely audible, but John caught it.
"I'll wake you up. Now go back to bed, baby. I love you." John whispered, kissing Randy on the cheek before softly kissing him on the lips.
"Love you, too." Randy murmured, falling back into a deep sleep.
It didn't take long before John followed.
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Randy groaned when he felt the rays of the morning sun beating down from the opened window. He really hated the sun sometimes. Rolling over, Randy snuggled up and got comfortable, hugging John's pillow close.
"John, what time do you have to get up?" Randy asked, sleepily. When he didn't get an answer, Randy reached behind him, trying to nudge John. "John, you're going to be late."
Randy didn't hear anything. He didn't hear the sound of the coffee pot; he didn't hear the television from the living room. John wasn't snoring softy beside him. Randy slowly sat up and opened his eyes, dreading what he knew he would discover.
John wasn't lying beside him in the bed.
Randy's heart plummeted to the ground. He slowly laid back down and closed his eyes, hoping that this week, he wouldn't cry. Randy wrapped his arms around John's pillow again, holding it closer to him.
The silence was horrible. Randy hated it. John had always been a morning person. Either he would be complaining about the lack of good television shows or he would be singing to himself as he made some breakfast. There was neither of those things. John wasn't singing or complaining. He wasn't even home.
There was no way Randy could go back to sleep. Not with the way he was currently feeling. John had said he would wake him up. Even though he was half asleep, he still heard him say that he would. He was excited.
For the past five months, Randy had to get use to knowing that he wouldn't be there when he woke up. It was hard, and he still wasn't quite use to it, but he was managing. When John said he would wake him up, Randy was happy. He was going to be there to wish John a safe and happy trip. He was going to stand on the porch and wave as John drove away. He was going to be there.
John had left, though. He had gone while Randy was still asleep. Randy didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. That's what hurt the most.
Randy laid on the bed for about ten minutes. There was absolutely no noise in the house. Just when Randy was about to fall back asleep, there was a creak. Randy immediately sat back up, his ears straining to hear the noise again.
There was another creak.
Randy jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs. Hope filtered through Randy. John was home. He didn't really leave. He was just downstairs doing something. Randy smiled as he jumped that last couple steps. He rushed into the living room and stopped.
The television was off. Everything was how it was when they left a couple days ago. Randy slowly walked into the kitchen to see if John was in there. He wasn't. There were no dishes in the sink. Nothing was out of place.
Tears were already forming. Sliding slowly down the wall, Randy started to cry.
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"Um . . . Elaine, dear . . . there is only two of us living in this house now. Why are you getting out three plates? And why are we up this earlier? It's seven o'clock in the morning. We don't get up until eight forty-five." Randy's father, Bob, complained.
Bob and Elaine were in the kitchen. Elaine woke Bob up and they went down to the kitchen. After making some breakfast, she opened all the blinds, sending in the sun shining throughout the house.
"Our kids don't live with us anymore. I think the old age is getting to your head, love."
Elaine slapped Bob in the arm and put a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast down in front of him.
"Be quiet, Robert. I know the kids aren't living with us anymore. Call it mother's intuition, but I have a feeling we are going to get a visit."
"Great, Nathan. It's Nathan. The boy just moved out three years ago and he's already causing trouble." Bob shook his head and took a bite out of his toast.
"It's not Nathan or Becky I'm worried about. I think it's going to be Randal."
"Randy? Why would Randy come over to house at seven o'clock in the morning?" Bob said, giving Elaine a questionable look.
"I guess we are about to find out." Elaine said, looking out the window. "He just pulled up."
"What?" Bob said, shocked. He got up from his chair and walked to Elaine's side. "Are you a witch?"
Elaine turned around and slapped Bob again. She pushed and ushered him back to his place at the table.
"Sit down and eat your food, you old fart. You drive me absolutely insane."
"You love me, though." Bob winked as he took a bite out of his eggs.
"Please, we both know I married you for your money." Elaine shook her head and smiled.
"And my butt."
"Well, it's old and wrinkly now, so that doesn't do me much good, now does it?"
Before Bob could make a retort, the kitchen door opened and Randy walked in. He gave them both a small smile before sitting down at the table across from his father. Elaine put a plate full of eggs, bacon, and toast down in front of Randy then she gave him a kiss on the head. She got her food ready and joined her husband and eldest son at the table.
All three of them ate in silence. Randy barely touched his food. His head rested in his hand. He just stared at the food as he pushed it around with his fork.
When Elaine was finished eating, she took Bob's already empty plate and started the dishes. When she was finished with those, she walked over to Randy. She put an arm around him and gently took the fork out of his hand. She kissed him on the top of the head.
"You don't have to eat it, honey." Elaine whispered.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry." Elaine kissed Randy one more time before putting Randy's plate full of food in front of Bob. "Eat."
"Yes, ma'am." Bob nodded and dug in.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Elaine asked gently. She took her place back at the table.
"John left this morning." Randy said in a low voice.
Elaine and Bob didn't say anything. They knew it was more than just John leaving that had Randy so upset. Randy normally came over to their house on Thursday's, but this was something different. They saw how upset Randy was.
"I asked him last night if he could wake me up. He always left in the early morning, while I was still asleep. I wanted to . . ." Randy trailed off. He was staring at the table, trying to find his words. "I didn't get to say goodbye."
"Aw, baby." Elaine leaned over and took Randy's hand. She rubbed soothing circles. "Leaving the one you love, or having the one you love leave, is hard and it's painful. I'm sure, though, that John leaving . . . he had a good reason to."
"What reason could that have been? He didn't even leave a message or a note. He didn't leave anything. I woke up to an empty house. Again."
"You've been with John for a many years now, Randal. I'm sure that John would leave something behind explaining his actions."
Randy nodded and sighed. He looked back down at the table. Elaine gave his hand one more squeeze before standing up and going back to the dishes.
Randy didn't say much afterwards. He sat at the table and listened to his parents bicker back and forth before saying his goodbyes and heading back to his and John's home.
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The first thing Randy did when he got home was go straight to bed. Before his head even hit the pillow, he was already in tears. As he always does, Randy grabbed John's pillow and buried his face in it, taking in his scent.
After about an hour of lying in bed, crying, Randy sighs tiredly and rolls over. Randy was staring at the ceiling when something caught his eye. Glancing over at his nightstand, Randy slowly sat up. Lying under a red rose was a letter.
Confused, Randy picked up the letter. He was shocked that he had missed seeing it. On the stationary was Randy's name, written in John's handwriting. Randy swallowed and blinked back a rush of tears he felt coming. He opened the letter and read.
Randy,
I bet you hate me right now. I bet you are lying in bed right now reading this. Your eyes are shiny because you've been crying. You probably still are, too. Your cheeks are puffy and red. Your clothes are more than likely wrinkly because you've slept in them.
Yet, even through all of that, you still look so beautiful. You are so beautiful, Randy. Every time I see you, I swear my heart skips a beat. I have to remind myself to breathe, because I can just get so lost in your eyes.
I know you are upset with me. I know you are probably hurt. I hate that I've caused you that pain. You have no idea how much I truly love you, and knowing that I'm the one who made you cry hurts.
I have a reason for not waking you this morning. It's a selfish reason, but it's better than nothing, right.
I just . . . I couldn't wake you. I didn't want to. I was about to, but I just froze. I took a good look at you and I don't think I've ever seen you look so peaceful. Your head was lying on the mattress; your mouth was opened just barely. Your arms were wrapped around my pillow, holding it close to you . . . as if you were holding me . . .
I didn't want to wake you this morning, Randy, because it would have been harder for both of us. Every time I have to leave you, it tears at my heart. You're upset the night before. I know you try hard to cover that up, but you can never fool me. I know you so well. Right before we go to bed, I can just see your eyes watering at times. I can see your strings being pulled, and I just know that if you saw me driving away, it would break them. They would break . . . you would break . . . and I wouldn't be there to make things better.
That's part of the reason why I couldn't wake you up. This one is the selfish part. Even though I know how hurt and alone you are, I just can't wake you, because I want to see you looking peaceful and happy before I go. I need to leave with your beautiful, peaceful face fresh in my mind, otherwise, I won't be able to leave.
Baby, you have no idea how much I need you during those times. You have no idea how much I needed you this morning. I hate leaving you. I know how you feel about being alone. The last thing in the world I want to do is bring that down on you again.
You are so strong, Randy. This morning, and all of the other mornings, I needed you. I needed your strength. I love you so much, baby. I love you more than you could possibly imagine and more. I'm sorry if I made you cry this morning. I just need you to understand why I didn't wake you . . . why I can't ever wake you.
Know that I love you. Know that when I get home, I'm going to pull you into my arms and just hold you. In your arms, I feel the safest. In your arms is where I am home. I can't wait until the day you say 'I do'. The day you say those words is the day that I will truly be yours. And that will be the day I'm truly home.
I love you, baby.
The rose symbolizes love, a love that will never die, no matter what crosses its path. That's our flower. That's our love. Ten years and we are still going strong. We'll still be going strong in the next ten years, and the ten years after that. We are forever.
I'll be seeing you soon, Randy, so dry up those tears. I love you.
Forever yours,
John
Tears were falling down Randy's cheeks and neck. Randy closed his eyes and just sat there a minute, collecting himself. After a couple minutes, he wiped his eyes, held the rose close, and picked up the phone. He dialed the number that he remembered since the first time he saw it, and waited. When that familiar voice answered, it sent his heart beating faster and faster than he thought possible. He couldn't stop a couple tears from falling. And he couldn't help the smile that crossed his face.
"Hey, Johnny."
