I know, I know. It's been three weeks but I needed to finish up WTHI and now that's done not accounting for the futuretakes I'll be doing. I am back to once a week updating here. Just a reminder that chapters will be shortish- around 1200 to 1500 a chapter. If one happens to run over that, consider that a bonus.

We are back to Edward's POV. Thanks to B for coming up with the ah… snippet of song choice in this one… I rewrote a couple of words to fit the situation. Original song is Jizz in My Pants by Lonely Island. Enjoy.

Chapter 7

EPOV

'And I SHIT IN MY PANTS

This really never happens you can take my word

I won't apologize, that's just absurd

Mainly your fault from the way that you aim

And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS'

"Emmett!" I screamed, even though he was across town at that moment.

"Hey, Bro. How's it hanging?" He asked. I could hear his juvenile ass smirking across the damn phone.

"How the hell did you get ahold of my phone, Emmett?" I gritted through clenched teeth.

"Well, you see, Edward, I recorded my vocal stylings onto a voice note then when you were mowing the lawn, I sent it to your phone in a text message. Then, I broke into your phone and made it your ring tone. You're not the only technically savvy brother in this family, you know."

I hung up on him and flung my phone on the bed. Son of a bitch was driving me crazy. So were the damn responses to that Craigslist ad. They ranged from fetish fuckers to really twisted cougars. None were my Annie.

I crashed onto my couch and settled my arm over my eyes. It had been four days since I posted and so far, nada.

And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS…

I angrily grabbed my phone and answered it.

"Fuck you, Emmett!"

"Sorry?" A tentative voice sounded on the line. I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at the number. It was a Seattle based number.

"No, I'm sorry. Emmett is my brother and he… never mind, this is Edward, how can I help you?"

"This is Charlotte Baker from the Seattle Times. Is this Edward Cullen?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you would be willing to grant me an interview."

An interview?

"Are you sure you have the right number?"

"Yes, Edward C. Cullen. You placed an ad on Craigslist two days ago trying to find your 'Annie Oakley'."

"Yeah… wait, how did you know about that?"

"Mr. Cullen, your ad has gone viral."

"Did you just say my ad went viral?" I said, my voice reaching an octave I haven't obtained since I was going through puberty.

"Yes, sir."

"But… but, it was just a local ad. How? Why?" Then a thought occurred to me. "Oh my God, everyone knows I shit my pants!"

"Well, yes." She said hesitantly.

"I'm going to go die now."

"Okay, but can you give me the interview first?" She asked.

"No." Then I hung up.

And now I SHIT IN MY PANTS…

I groaned but looked at the number this time.

Mom.

"Hey, Mom. How's everything with you and Dad?" I asked, struggling to sound normal. I didn't want my mom to know what was going on.

"Great, Baby. Everything is wonderful. How're you?" She asked, sounding at ease.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm fine. Everything is fine. Um… have you talked to Emmett lately?"

"No, you know how he is. Too busy laughing at his bad jokes and chasing ass."

I laughed softly. My mother certainly had a way with words.

"True."

We talked a little more, my phone constantly beeping in my ear with other calls. I am going to have to change my number.

"Mom, I have some business to attend to, so as much as I am enjoying this conversation, I have to let you go."

"Okay but before you do, when do we get to meet her?"

"Meet who?"

"Your Annie Oakley."

"You knew this whole time?" I shrieked. I really needed to check on why my voice kept doing that.

"Sweetie, I spend most of my day on the internet. Did you think I just looked up recipes on Pinterest? Really, Edward." She admonished.

I groaned.

"It's not that bad. I am sure she will contact you as soon as she sees the ad. And my son is famous now, so why wouldn't she want to meet you?"

"Um, maybe because I defecated in my under garments in her presence." I replied, sarcastically.

"Well, there is that. But I will make sure she knows that hasn't happened since you were two and a half. Well, there was that time when you were five and Emmett gave you X-lax and made you think it was chocolate but we don't have to tell her about that. Oh, you did throw the underwear away, right?"

"Oh my God… Mom, I love you but I really have to go."

I hung up as she was wishing me luck.

And I SHIT IN MY PANTS…

That's it. I threw my phone against the wall where it was mercifully quiet. I deep breathed to calm down then went to retrieve my phone.

***OPMC***

"What happened to it?" The Verizon employee asked in obvious confusion as I handed him my phone.

"I dropped it." I explained.

"From where, American Airlines Flight 411?"

"No." I replied curtly. "Look, I just need another phone."

"Okay, but it's gonna cost you." He murmured.

"Of course, it will." I sighed.

"Name?"

"Edward Cullen."

The employee's head snapped up.

"The Edward Cullen? Edward C. Cullen who posted the ad?"

Oh, for the love…

I smiled tightly.

"Can you maybe do your job and just replace my phone so I can get out of here? Oh, and I need a new number. Please."

The employee snapped out of his trance and quickly got me hooked up. As I was paying up… 757 dollars later… he said, "That was a brave thing you did."

"What? Completely humiliating myself looking for a woman who tried to shoot me or completely humiliating myself when said ad went viral to the whole damn world?"

"Yeah, that happened, but you put yourself out there. Chicks dig that. It was a grand gesture. I mean, I am just a nobody working at a cell phone store but I think it showed bravery. Just thought you should know that." He handed me my bag and a card. "Anyway, here you go. Your phone is in the bag and your new number is on the back of the card." He flipped over the card. "And my number should you need me, is on the front. I hope everything works out for you."

For the first time that day, I genuinely smiled. "Thanks," I looked at the card. "Peter."

***OPMC***

As I pulled onto my street, I thought maybe my day could be turned around. I just needed to adopt a positive attitude about the whole situation.

I slammed on the brakes, when I realized that there two unfamiliar cars parked on the street in front of my house. Both with letters on the side advertising two news outlets from the area. Fuck me.

I decided to go in from the back of my house so I eased around the block and parked my car outside of Mrs. Denali's house. She was out of town visiting her daughter, Kate, so I knew she wouldn't mind. I was helping water her plants when she was gone. I walked through her backyard, entered mine then unlocked my back door, easing inside.

I slumped against the closed back door. What the hell was I going to do to make this go away.

"Hey, Bro. Did you know there are reporters outside?"

My eyes snapped open.

"You are fucking dead." I growled.

Emmett ignored me and rambled over to my fridge. He rummaged inside for a minute and came out with the makings for sandwiches.

"I didn't make you put the ad up. You agreed. And yes, I am making fun of you. It's what brothers do but I feel bad and I'll stop."

I looked at him suspiciously.

"Scout's honor." He promised, putting up three fingers.

"You were a scout for two days, Emmett, then they told Mom you weren't a good fit because he kept pantsing everyone, including the Scout leader."

Emmett grinned. "Good times."

I crashed into a kitchen chair and put my hands in my hair and tugged.

"This whole thing was a horrible idea. I should've just left it alone." I groaned.

Emmett placed my laptop in front of me. It was open to my email. I glared at him. "You said you would stop!"

"You had had the same email and password variation for ten years, Edward. It wasn't that hard. Now, look at it."

I glanced briefly at my inbox.

"What am I looking for?"

He sighed impatiently and clicked the mouse a couple of times.

"This. Dude, she answered. Annie Oakley answered you."

See, Emmett isn't that bad. Stop hating on him. Hims got feelings too…