I know, I know, I said that it would be Signum's turn next, but this just grabbed me and wouldn't let go.
Dangerous Tendencies
Chapter 7 - Erio, or,
Conquests of Another Accidental Stud-Monkey
0079 NC
"Erio, I've decided that you should have a harem," said Caro one morning at breakfast.
It was with no small amount of difficulty that Erio resisted the urge, upon hearing that, to spew forth the orange-colored breakfast beverage (made of a vegetable which has no Earthly cognate) he'd just begun drinking. The temptation to do so was a strong one. The urge to embrace a comedic demeanor, rather than his typical, serious one, was nearly undeniable, in fact. But Erio was a serious young man, and so restrained himself. He finished drinking the beverage, swallowed, then set down the glass as he cleared his throat. This accomplished, he considered his next course of action.
"Sorry, Caro, I didn't quite catch that," he said at last. Perhaps, if he acted as though he hadn't heard it, she would respond by acting as though she hadn't said it.
"I've decided that you should have a harem," she repeated, quite patiently, as she sat on the other side of the breakfast table from him.
So much for that idea. All right, since running and screaming was not at all congruous with his serious demeanor, his next best option would seem to be to feign confusion. "Now, Caro, you know that my education is pretty limited in certain areas, so I'm not really sure that I know what you're talking about," he said gently. "When you say a 'harem', what do you mean by that?" Perhaps that was a bit too focused to be really be considered confusion, but he hoped it would serve its purpose.
"Well, I'm specifically thinking of the Ru-Lushe definition of the term," Caro explained patiently. "However, that definition is more or less identical to that of other cultures which have the practice of allowing and encouraging males of a certain stature in the community to have multiple females to look after their needs."
Erio opened his mouth to point out that he already had that.
"Specifically their sexual needs."
He closed it again. And swallowed.
"But also their emotional and - well, you get the idea. Anyway, I believe that you have the stature to have a harem, and so I've decided that you shall have one. Any questions?" she asked brightly.
"Um ... well, I wonder if you should be making those kinds of decisions, Caro," Erio said. "I mean, if I am to have a harem, shouldn't it be my decision to have one? Or not?"
The 'or not' was somewhat covered up by Caro's gasp of shocked horror. "Erio! That's awful! No, that's not right at all!"
"Oh, uh - I'm sorry, I seem to have unwittingly offended -"
"Well, given your lack of awareness, it's understandable, but if you were to decide that you should have a harem, that would be simply your egotism talking! If we women allowed the men of the tribe to decide when they have a harem, they'd all want one, immediately, whether they had the stature and the maturity to possess one or not! No, this is a decision that must be made by the Alpha of the harem, to reward the male for his success!"
"And the Alpha of my harem would be ... you, right?"
She beamed and nodded at him.
That smile, he thought, should be listed among her weapons. It was unfair for her to use it in what was supposed to be a civil conversation. "I see," he said, because that was the sort of thing that one said at times like this, even if one didn't actually see and didn't really want to see and was contemplating running to one's step-mother/big sister figure and screaming for help. "And the success you're referring to -"
"Your success has been caring for me and my many emotional problems lo these many years!" she cheered.
The 'running to Fate and begging for help' impulse was getting stronger. "Ah. That."
"I still remember how shy and sad I was before I met you," Caro continued. "You've made my life so much better by your presence in it."
It wasn't that he wasn't moved by her statements, but he was also remembering how Caro had all but dragged him into the baths with her, Tiana and Subaru, and trying to understand how anyone who'd done things like that could possibly consider themselves to have been shy. "I'm glad you think so," was what he said. "But, I mean, surely you've thanked me enough for that ... like, back then, when you -"
"Oh no," she said, shaking her head vigorously. "That was only an appropriate thanks for that particular episode, Erio! This is thanks for the whole pattern of your heroism and kindness!"
"Uhm," Erio said, a bit distracted by reflections of 'that particular episode'. Really, 'that particular episode' should have made it clear to him that the Ru-Lushe had some interesting habits that Caro had picked up despite having left her people behind when she was very young.
That day ...
Technically, in the wee small hours of the next day's morning, he awakens to a dull ache on his shoulder and a bruised feeling over the entire front of his body, plus the sensation of a weight on his midsection. Physical awareness is the precursor to the crushing sensation of his awareness of his failure, and the dread of what that failure has cost those whom he loves. A groan comes from his throat, somewhat unwillingly.
"Shh," comes a soft voice from the weight on his midsection.
He opens his eyes to darkness and an unfamiliar ceiling, then tilts his head to confirm the source of the voice. It came from the pink-haired lump on his midsection and is, of course, Caro's voice.
"Are you -" he starts to ask.
"Shh," she repeats, just a bit louder. "Subaru-san is in the next bed over. We don't want to wake her."
"Are you okay?" he asks, striving to be quiet. "Is she okay? Is everyone -"
"I am okay," she says. "Subaru-san is going to be okay. Everyone ... everyone is alive because of what you did, Erio-kun. You saved me, and you saved us all."
He can't quite respond to that, which is good, because he is fairly sure that things didn't actually happen that way. Indeed, he has the nagging suspicion that she saved him. And while he does not mind that - much - he does not care to have his ego massaged in that manner.
"You are a hero," she says. "And you deserve a hero's reward."
Consternation gives way to bewilderment. "Huh?"
And abruptly, he feels a new physical sensation, a chill on the lower portions of his body, as though his hospital gown has been pulled up to discover what lies beneath. Exactly like that, he realizes, for that is just what Caro has done. Before he can properly react, however, another new physical sensation commands his attention - a warm, moist sensation wrapping around a portion of his anatomy which has never known such things.
Eyes bulging out of their sockets, Erio gasps her name.
The sensation pauses momentarily. "Shh!" she repeats insistently. "Don't wake Subaru-san." Then resumes her motions and actions.
Erio has known physical training to the limits of human endurance, and maybe just a little bit past that. Nothing of his training or his battle experiences has prepared him for this, however. It has given him enough calm and poise to avoid shrieking at the top of his lungs when Subaru, in the next bed over, shifts uncomfortably in her sleep and moans the name, "Gin-nee", in a way which might deceive someone into thinking that she is about to awaken. But she does not, and a few moments later, Caro's attentions stop, and she pulls his gown down again.
"I guess you're not really ready, after all," she says, sounding regretful.
"What what what," he whispers.
"I told you. A hero's reward. I can remember, from some of my earliest memories, when my papa would receive his reward for protecting all of us from my mama, or my aunties. You are a greater hero than he was, so you deserve a better reward, but what I can give you I will." And she smiles up at him, sweetly.
"Erio? You've just been gazing silently for a while now. Are you fantasizing about what you're going to do with your harem?" Caro asked curiously.
"No," he said promptly when he returned to the present. "No, I'm not. Okay, Caro, I think we need to discuss this."
"Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. If you'd just outright refused me, I don't know what I do. But if you're willing to discuss who should be in the harem, then I know that its all going to be all right!" She beamed at him again.
That hadn't even remotely been what he meant. He briefly considered telling her this, then dismissed it as an act of desperation. "Okay," he said instead. "Who did you have in mind for this ... harem?" Please don't say Fate, please don't say Fate.
"Well, Lutecia first of all. Since we're going to be visiting Carnaaji in a few days, I think she'd be the most convenient. And it will give you the chance to help her the way you've helped me!"
Immense relief filled Erio's spirit. "Ah-ha. Well, Caro, that's an interesting idea. Buuuut, well, I think there's a few things that you're failing to consider here. The most important of these being Lutecia's mother, who's really doing most of the work in helping Lutecia to ... well, deal with her emotional problems." And who would probably creatively eviscerate me if I even thought about it.
"Oh, that won't be a problem," Caro assured him. "We'll bring Megane-san in, too."
Sharp bursts of pain in the temples. He was sure that was a symptom of something serious, but now was not the time to address that. "Lutecia and Megane-san are both going to be in the harem?" he asked.
"Sure. It might help them to become even closer to each other, like Fate and Lindy-san are."
Much was becoming unfortunately clear. He'd tried to persuade Caro many times that, despite what she believed, Fate and Lindy were just mother and daughter, and that the romantic subtext she insisted on seeing in their interactions was just her imagination. Clearly, he should have tried harder, as it had given her a warped set of ideas. Now was not the time to address that, either. "I suppose they're going to be in it, too," he asked weakly.
"Mmm, not Lindy-san," Caro said after a moment's thought. "I think she'd be a wonderful companion, but a good part of this is about giving you the offspring you deserve, and I think she's past childbearing. Don't you?"
"I can't say that I've given the subject much thought, but it's good that you have, and that you're showing ... um, yeah," he said, once he remembered that commending her for showing restraint might not go over all that well. "But ... you, you do think Fate would go for this."
"I think we can convince her," she said, nodding. "And be honest, Erio, you've thought about her from time to time? And why wouldn't you? Fate is so beautiful! Those supple, pouting breasts ... her firm thighs ... those legs that go on for days ... those sweet, kissable lips." She sighed in a way suggesting that she had given this matter much thought. After a moment of silence, she continued, somewhat more normally. "Anyway, also Nanoha, Hayate, Subaru, Tiana, Ginga, and Signum."
"Of cour- wait, Signum?"
"Oh, come on, Erio, I know you have fantasies about her!"
"Well, yes, I-I do, but, what about what you just said about childbearing?"
"What about it?" she asked, blinking.
"Well, I mean ... Wolkenritter," Erio observed, he thought quite suavely.
Caro tilted her head slightly. "I'm not sure I follow. Are you saying that you're attracted to Signum but feel that her tragic history of enslavement and terrible violence done in the name of her past masters means she can never truly be happy?"
"... no," Erio said ... though he had the sneaking suspicion that Signum herself would have agreed with the adjunct argument clause. "What I meant was, she's a Wolkenritter, so ... I mean, I don't even know if she can have children. Because, you know, immortal creation of the Book of the Night Sky, and all that."
"Hm," Caro said quietly, frown spreading across her face. "I have to admit that I hadn't considered that."
"Well, I think you ought to, and -" also consider abandoning this whole mad notion before I shriek and run off never to be seen again.
"Yes, you're right. I'll have to ask Shamal about it, she would know if anyone would. I bet she's researched the subject quite a bit, actually, now that she and Zafira are involved."
He nodded, again choosing not to disabuse his beloved if clearly deeply disturbed 'sister'/girlfriend of her strange notions about their extended family.
"Well, worst comes to worst, I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun trying, regardless of whether we succeed or fail," Caro declared, momentary solemnity entirely vanished.
"Yeah, I'll bet," he said. Something occurred to him. "Um ... should I understand, then, that you don't seem to have plans to add Shamal or the other Nakajimas to this ... thing?" Maybe if he didn't call it a harem ... no, he had no idea what not calling it a harem was supposed to accomplish, really.
"Harem," she corrected him. "And certainly not Shamal! I just said she's in a relationship with Zafira! I'm not going to break up a happy couple just for your happiness, Erio. That wouldn't be right."
"No, I suppose not," he said dazedly.
"You don't fool me, you know," she said, shaking her head.
"I don't?"
"I know you think I'm imagining things about Shamal and Zafira. Well, when I talk to her about Signum's reproductive system, I'll be sure to ask her to confirm it, just between us girls, and get a recording of her admitting it. Then you'll see." Caro smiled, looking way too cute for someone so smug.
He chose to simply nod rather than speak.
"And the Nakajimas ... wellll ... I have to admit that I'd love to see Subaru and Nove making love to the same person at once, the so-different beauties of those two almost-twins united in purest carnal release ... but I think the number of girls in the harem is already as big as you merit. Adding more would just be greedy."
Ah-hah! the daring swordsman that Erio sometimes pretended to be declared in the silence of his mind. The wench has left an opening! He took a deep breath. "I'm not so sure about that," he said, putting a bit of bite in his tone. "I'm feeling a little greedy. And rampant. And horny!"
"Erio?" Caro asked, blinking.
"I think I deserve all the Nakajimas. I think we should break their older sisters out of - well, okay, maybe just Sette, break Sette out of jail and give her appropriate orders to join this harem. And all the girls from Riot Force Six's support staff - I've been yearning to bang some of them b-b-bi-beautiful girls for a while now! And you know, I can respect that stuff about not breaking up relationships, but I'm pretty sure Vita's not in one, so why's she not on your pretty little list? Huh? I bet she knows ways of ... of ... of doing things in a sexual manner that I can't even imagine!
"And why stop there!" he continued, as Caro stared at him, waving his hands wildly. "There's whole planets full of girls who deserve some of this! Especially the Unadministered ones! You need to think big, Caro! Think big!"
Caro was just plain gaping.
That should do it, Erio thought. A display of rampant immaturity will surely convince her that she was wrong about my ability to handle a harem, and she'll back off on the notion. Any minute now, she'll -
She laughed. "Oh, boy," Caro giggled, shaking her head. "You're such a kidder, Erio!"
"What?" he chirped. "No. No, I'm being completely serious here."
"Surrrre you are," she said, standing up to take her cleaned plate away from the table. "I tell you what. I'll consider bringing Nove in after all, but that's as far as I'm willing to go, Mr. Greatest Lover in All of Time and Space. Anyway, finish your battertoast, I've got some calls to make." Still chuckling slightly, she headed off towards their cabin's kitchen.
Erio watched her go with an open mouth. "You let me down, daring swordsman," he declared in a broken tone.
I am bested, the imaginary voice admitted.
Okay, let's review, Erio thought to himself, head down on the table and no longer distracted by thoughts of talking to imaginary people who represented aspects of his own psychology. Caro still intends to create a harem for me, even though I've told her that I don't want one. He paused, reflected some more. Okay ... technically I didn't ever actually say that I don't want one. That's a curious omission on my part. On the other hand, she basically told me that I didn't have the right to refuse. He nodded, somewhat ignoring the fact that she hadn't ever actually said that.
Okay ... wow, I'm thinking okay a lot lately. Right. Focus. If I'm going to get out of this situation - which is what I want, definitely, and my lack of an immediate refusal to the notion shouldn't be misunderstood as any sort of curiosity about it ... definitely not ... I'm going to need help. And this is the sort of situation where you should ask your big sister/stepmother figure for help, even if what you want more than anything is for her to see you as the sort of strong male figure who doesn't need anyone's help, so she'll come to understand that you're someone she can depend on and start to ...
Start again.
This is the sort of situation where you should ask your big sister/stepmother figure for help, so I guess I'd better do that. But Caro is using the main communicator. I'll have to use the office line. With that thought, he rose from the table and determinedly made his way to their cabin's small office, which doubled as their panic room. It was thus naturally equipped with a small, audio only communications system of its own, so that they could call for help if they had to retreat there and the main communicator frequencies were being jammed. Or, in the case of this particular emergency, if it was being used for sinister purposes.
He quickly entered Fate's communicator code and waited for her to pick up. At last she did. "Hello," said her voice.
"Fate, Caro has gone crazy and she's talking about making a harem and we've got to stop her!" he cried.
"- ailable at the moment, so please leave your name and number after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If this is an emergency, I can be reached -" continued the message.
"Your answering service," Erio muttered. "Of course I got your answering service, and of course you rattle off all the indirect ways of contacting you before we get to the tone and - ah!" The tone had sounded, and he was opening his mouth to repeat his earlier exclamation when he heard a small thump.
Perched on the edge of the desk, watching him with obvious curiosity, was Fried, Caro's dragon.
"... Fate, it's Erio ... just calling for ... no reason ... call me back ... whenever ..." Erio said quietly, then terminated the call. He kept meeting the dragon's gaze for a moment before he spoke again. "I suppose there's no way that I can talk you out of telling her about this?"
"You're fucked, pal," the dragon answered in strangely accented Mid-Childan.
"Wait, since when can you talk?" Erio asked.
"You tell me, man, it's your damn dream!"
And then he woke up.
"Oh," he said, softly, in the early morning darkness of the bedroom. "Just a dream, just a very strange ..."
"Mmm, Erio?" said a voice to his right. "Is something wrong?"
"Or do you just want to go again?" said a different voice to his left.
"Oh, I think he definitely wants to go again," said yet a third voice from around his midsection.
"Oh. Yeah. That was what happened a week ago," he muttered to himself, and gave himself up for loved.
Next: Signum. Maybe. Who knows?
