Declaimer: I own nothing but my quill and parchment.
Chapter Seven
Ooh darling
The darkness comes and the darkness goes
Happiness ain't what you think it should be
so
Itarildë had never been of great concern to Cirdan during the first several years that she lived within the halls of the great house of the Havens. He had always noted her presence with a kind of vague acknowledgement that there went another elleth. She was quiet whenever he saw her and as far as he knew performed her duties well.
But sometime ago, what was it? Forty years? Fifty? He really couldn't remember when, he had come across her quite unexpectedly in the garden and all she was wearing was a few sheets.
As if had happened the little girls had asked one of the 'big' elleths to join in their play and Itarildë, not being the serious, quiet elf Cirdan supposed, had agreed. What they had wanted to play was something to do with the Valar and each one had chosen the Valar or Valier that they liked best. One red haired girl had braided her hair and looped it under her chin as a beard and was presumably Tulkas.
And another was wearing a great mass of flowers and wreaths and plants and was pretending to be Yavanna. But the figure that first met Cirdan's eyes was the tall, slender figure of Itarildë wearing a bunch of white sheets as a gown. She was Varda, Lady of the stars and she was really beautiful.
Her hair was all free of braids and the wind blew it around her shoulders, face and into her month a little. She was laughing and swished her bed sheet cape with an almost queenly air. Her shoulders were, thankfully Cirdan thought at the time, the only thing that was bare. They were dancing around the garden and each was saying how they would make the world as Illuvatar had directed and what a world it would be. Cirdan was wondering why he never noticed Itarildë before this when the pretty tableau ended.
He might have made a noise, he was never sure afterward, but they were all laughing and having a good time when they suddenly noticed he was standing there. But all at once the little girls shrieked and dove for cover to quickly remove their make shift costumes. Scattering like frightened rabbits they had disappeared leaving 'Lady Varda' alone and blushing bright red.
"I am sorry if I disturbed you." he said, hastily averting his eyes.
"Not at all," she had answered, suddenly brave, "Come my fellow Valier and Valar, for here is Ulmo, Lord of waters! Perhaps he has come to join us?"
"Oh…no, I…"
But she had taken his hand gently and pulled him into the circle of the garden where they had been playing. He had allowed her to pull him there and a moment later the little children had gathered round him paying their respects to him as the Valar lord.
Cirdan was never a stranger to children's games. After all he had raised three children himself, but that was nearing four thousand years ago and whether he knew it or not he was quite rusty.
Before he knew what was going on he was crowned by a circlet of sea oats and playing Valar with the children as he hadn't done in years. They ran down to the beach, Cirdan with 'Varda' on his arm and built realms in the sand, paying each other diplomatic visits and having feasts of sand in sea shells.
The children later said that they never knew that Cirdan could be so much fun and to tell the truth he didn't either. All the while Itarildë had watched him playing with the children. She had never seen him so gay and carefree, his hair was quite tumbled down from its braids and for a moment she wondered if he had been handsome when he was very young.
She didn't know that he was watching her as well. Her stick-sword fights with Tulkas and Lorien were noted even if it was for her poor fighting skill
They had brought dinner down onto the beach that night and had a grand feast of fish, clams, fruit, and fresh summer vegetables. The children all fought to sit with the Haven's lord and Varda, who was still wearing the bed sheets. They were all sticky and dirty, with wild hair and sandy clothes when the sun finally set and they built a big fire on the shore and roasted corn in the husks.
Near midnight Cirdan and Itarildë woke the children and moved them or carried them into the house in sleepy bunches. They both left the children's hall together and stood for a moment enjoying the bright, white light that bathed the Havens. The moon was round and hung like a giant sea medallion.
"We've had a wonderful day Cirdan, thank you for joining us." she had said removing her faded flower crown. She had called him by his given name as though she had always done so and strangely enough it pleased him.
"Thank you for pulling me into it," he said graciously, "although I got nothing done today."
She looked at him, her eyes dancing with merriment, "Oh you think so do you? Well, then I see that your idea of work and mine is quite different. But believe me when I say that you did more work for the Havens today then you have done since I came."
"You're very bold young woman," Cirdan had said, but he wasn't really angry and he couldn't think why, "I shall have to make sure that you don't go parading around in bed sheets anymore. It is not proper garb for the havens."
She laughed and swirled her slightly stained makeshift skirt and said, "I suppose it is not."
Then she move close to him, so close he could smell the scent of her hair and she reached up and lifted the sea oat coronet from his head, 'Neither is this my Lord, " she placed it in his hands and tripped away toward her own room, "Good night Cirdan!" she called.
"Good night!" he called out, and all at once felt rather foolish. He had gone into his study and rifled through his papers and plans, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember what it was that he had intended to do that day.
He had then picked the last of the sea oats out of his hair and looked at the silly crown in slight scorn for being so childish. But he kept it.
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Time went by and Itarildë was more in evidence then he had ever noticed before. She left things in his study, bits of poems and writings of her own, flowers and shells and little curios from Eru knew where.
He liked them and kept them and fairly soon he liked her company which she began to keep with him. It was not clear when she first started coming to visit with him, but she did.
"How is it that you have remained so long in Arda without leaving with your kindred?" she asked. She was folded up on a low chair on the beach and he stood next to her watching as she knocked the sand out of her sandals.
"Well, you see I did not have any kindred of my own." He said. He squatted down till he was on her level and watched her expression change at this bit of information, "I have always had many companions and so I never felt the loss of one."
"I suppose that is what makes you more solemn around the children," she said, slipping her sandals on again, "They're often too awed by you to get close you know? They want too."
"Itarildë I will never quite understand why you take it upon yourself to tell me these things, 'Cirdan said reaching over and fastening a stubborn buckle on the sandal.
"And I will never know why no one has done so before. Even you make mistakes Shipwright," she said, she tucked her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, looking at him plainly.
"You tend to tread the line between being blunt and rude," Cirdan replied smoothly, "But I suppose, as you say, I deserve it. I might wonder at you're decision to stay. You have a family that loves you dearly and you remained. That I find hard to understand."
She drew a little away from him and her eyes dropped from his, "It was a choice that I did not make lightly you know. It was very hard watching them leave; I almost changed my mind and went with them."
"But?" he asked prodding.
"But, I decided that I was needed here for a time and like you, I wasn't ready to leave Middle Earth yet," Itarildë smiled then, "I was afraid of what leaving meant."
Cirdan stirred and sat down by her side. She was looking over the sea, and her voice had dropped at this last admission. He reached out and brushed her hair away from her eyes a bit. She looked at him, fear lurking near the corners of her eyes.
"Have…have you ever thought of how horrible it would be if you reached Valinor and it was nothing like Middle earth?" she asked.
Cirdan considered her young, eager face a moment. Her eyes were dark enough to see the reflection of the clouds that scattered in the sky behind him. And then deep inside of him he felt an odd tug, a pull of that familiar ache. The fear of being alone in a strange land without anything he knew around him.
"I have considered it my dear," he said finally, "But you must know that Valinor is the perfect land, and Arda, is Arda marred. What we see and love here, the sea, the mountains and valleys will only be made greater and better. They will be seen in such a beauty that we cannot even understand here. We will see the world as Illuvatar intended that we should. Not the land that was disfigured by Morgoth."
Cirdan was not aware of it, but Itarildë watched as his familiar face became once more the young and youthful Cirdan that had first woke on the shores of the new born world. His eyes, blue as the sea, were shining and his voice was rich and full as he decided a world as if it lay just within hands reach. He was suddenly more then just her guardian and companion
Itarildë always remembered afterward that it was at that moment that she felt more then friendly feeling for the shipwright. She couldn't help, but see that noble Ocean Lord in his face ever afterward.
"And my dear, your family will be waiting for you when the time for your crossing comes. There cane be no hardship in leaving if you are coming into the arms of your loved ones." He finished and stroked her hand kindly, "So, do not feel badly about your fears, everyone has them to a greater or lesser degree."
"And you? To what level do you have them Cirdan?" Itarildë asked.
"Cirdan stood and smiled down at her, "But my dear," he said, "I am still here am I not?"
But before she could answer he had strode off down the beach toward the dock. His walk was easy and rolling as the walk of all sailors' is. His long hair braided away from his face, the sharp features at once so familiar and now, suddenly strange.
Perhaps it was a conscious decision that she made, maybe she would have done so anyway, but she never spoke again about leaving. It wasn't fear any more, but the thought that at present there was no need to go. After all, Cirdan was there and he would help her no matter what the trouble was, of that she had no doubt.
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When the time came Cirdan hated himself for doing it, he knew too well the pain it would cause.
But Eglerion had asked him to come, and so he did. It was very late at night, and the moon was hidden behind heavy storm clouds that growled like discontented lions. The air was dead calm and humid making the tunic Cirdan wore cling to his back.
Eglerion was pacing at the end of the dock, as restless as the storm that drew nearer and nearer from the East. The clouds cast everything under it in a weird blue light and breathed foreboding. The weather did not seem to worry the wood elf for they are raised among trees when the storm is lashing the evil out of every branch and limb.
He looked up as Cirdan came to him and he stared into Cirdan's eyes, deeply searching. Eglerion didn't have to say anything, Cirdan understood what he was searching for. The time for concealment was over. The Shipwright didn't move away or turn his eyes from this scrutiny, it was a test and he had nothing to hide. With a deep grunt of disgust Eglerion turned away.
"I should have known. I should have known." He said. Eglerion turned to the shipwright, 'You should have told me Shipwright."
"There was nothing to tell you Eglerion," Cirdan said, "I was not fully sensible of it at the time."
Eglerion ran a hand through his dark hair and said, "All of these months I have poured everything I have into loving her and now I realize it was all for nothing."
"I am sorry …" Cirdan began, but Eglerion whirled and cut him off sharply.
"Don't say that," he was breathing heavily and as if in answer the sky rumbled with thunder, "Don't you say that. It is not the love one gives a friend or a brother that I want from her." His eyes grew hard, 'You of all people should know that."
The air crackled with electricity of the storm and the wind began to blow around them. Cirdan held out his hands and said, "What was I to do? You loved her and I saw it. I watched everyday as you courted her, winning her affections. I never spoke my heart to her because I never wanted to feel her rejection."
"You are a coward then," Eglerion spat, "An honorable man would have been truthful. But not you. Lordly Guardian of the Havens, Shipwright of the Valar, not you. I suppose that you thought it would be so simple to come in when you wanted and take her away."
Something in Cirdan snapped and Eglerion found himself thrown against the side of the ship and Cirdan holding him up just off the ground. Fire burned in Cirdan's eyes and Eglerion felt that the Shipwright was holding back even as he grated out his words.
"You over step yourself boy. Do you think I made that decision with any ease? I weighed the cost and I let her decide for herself. If you had wed her and left I would never have spoken a word against you. I lost my chance with her and had you said nothing to me then you would never have known."
"Yet she fades before my eyes and I can do nothing to stop it," Eglerion replied, "You cannot pretend not to have played a part in that."
"I have done nothing," Cirdan replied, "She told me of her choice and I have left her to you. Do you think it was an simple choice to watch her in your embrace? You are very young and you know nothing of ages of pain and loss. You have not seen your loved one's torn away from you again and again despite everything you did to protect them. And even though I knew that releasing her to you would be another weight to add to that I let her go so you would not know that same pain."
Then was Cirdan released him and Eglerion felt the world stop spinning as he watched the fire receding in Cirdan's eyes. All at once the Shipwright looked old and tired and he was breathing heavily, the air seeming to make each breath difficult. The wind began to howl around them, flinging sand and rain into Eglerion's eyes.
" I will go if you ask it of me," Cirdan said, "Till you are ready to depart for Valinor I will leave the Havens."
"Then go, and have welcome. Perhaps then she will be free of you." Eglerion said and without another word he strode away through the rain and storm.
Cirdan stayed out in the storm the entire night as the fury of the storm spent itself on the shores of the Havens the Shipwright wrestled with himself. All the agony of the coming parting was opening all the wounds of centuries. When dawn came the Shipwright was nowhere to be found and only a note was left telling them he had gone away for a time.
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DaeomaeI hope you like this chapter as well. it's quite a bit different then I usually write but I hope you enjoy it just the same. Thanks for reviewing!
Lady Anck-su-namunThank you so much! I try to keep it different from the norm. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well.
