Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. A/N: Whan I have too much sugar, I write cheezy poetry. No one forces you to read the poetry part.

This morning, it was Lt. Mary Sue banging two pots together to wake the Sues, her hair looking just as marvelous as it had the previous night, even though she hadn't brushed it. "Rise and shine, future generation of perfection!" she cheerfully said. "The Canons told me to give you today's challenge: an everyone-versus-everyone Quidditch match!" She cheerfully pranced from the room, leaving the Sues to change into some sporty attire.

"Zarita, we should try to beat Minda and Kinachiana," Hentai suggested. "They think they're more Sueish than us because they got raped or something."

Zarita rolled her eyes. "An all-star hockey player and professional Seeker against them? There's no way we can lose!" she assured her ally as she donned a red and gold Quidditch robe, while Hentai changed into her Retarded Ducks uniform. "But just in case..." Zarita pulled two vials of golden liquid out of her pocket and handed one to Hentai. They clinked their vials together and drank, nearly choking on their own maniacal laughter.


"Just mount the broom--or in your case, mop-- and kick off," Minda was explaining to Korista, who was wearing a jacket with several insignia patches on it and holding a mop, the only thing left for her to ride in the whole school.

"I don't know," Korista mumbled, helping Minda straighten her air-risistance cutting ninja outfit and Calgary Flames t-shirt, "What if I fall off?"

"I'll catch you," Minda told her. "I'm still open to an alliance with you, after all." Minda put on her most seductive smile, but it didn't seem to work--this one was straight, or so it seemed. This led her to another thought: Does this mean I'm a lesbian? Am I bi? Does this questioning myself make me more Sueish? She tried to put all thought out of her mind as she pulled out a homemade broomstick as ghetto-looking as her wand, though undoubtedly fast.

"Well, may the most Sueish Sue win," Korista said, putting some last-minute touches on her strange invention on the table.

"What's that?" Minda asked curiously.

"I love music, and my author decided I should have the awesome talent of inventing," Korista explained, "So I've been integrating things I learn from Fuzi technical magazine and stuff Fred and George have told me to make a device that creates music according to your thoughts, and then stores them in an MP3 player." She happily showed Minda the strange divice, which looked like a book-sized iPod, with strings woven around the speaker. Minda looked at it with amusement, but was reluctant to strum the string, afraid of what music her troubled mind would create.


The weather was dark and stormy with hail the sizr of Quaffles--not ideal Quidditch weather, but perfect for Kinachiana, for her vampire weaknesses, while making her more Sueish in a tragic way, made her burn at the sight of sunlight. She was changing into some shorts that were short enough to be underwear, fighnet socks, spiked boots, a military-looking jacket, and several protective "emo" wristbands, when she heard a voice behind her.

"Chia," it said, "Remember me?" Kinachiana turned around, shocked to see the transparent person before her: her late sister Lisemily!"

"Emmy! Great to see you!" Kinachiana said, "How long have you been here?"

"I've been following you ever since I died, Kinachiana Riddle," Lisemily said, flipping back her gorgeous, ghostly hair. "When I threw myself off the Hogwarts tower to save your life, a thought occurred to me: I was worried for you. I couldn't leave if I thought you might blame yourself for my death, hate yourself, let that get in the way of your success, etc. So, I've been haunting you for the past two years! While Harry and Zarita waste their seventh year snogging and doing nothing, you are going to beat out your fellow Sues and win this show! I know it!"

"I'll make you proud, Emmy!" Kinachiana promised, "I'll do everything I ever dreamed of, just like you made me promise I would! I won't be a sweet little girl like you and waste my life for the ones I care about! I'll be the most brutal Dark Sue I can be, and I'll take over the world!"

"That's my sister!" Lisemily said encouragingly, bringing Kinachiana into a warm embrace even though she was a ghost. "And keep being allies with Minda! Don't betray her, because she poses no threat anyway!" Kinachiana nodded her head as Lisemily resumed invisibility, grabbing her Nimbus 4000000000 and getting ready to hit the field, happy tears forming in her garnet-colored eyes.


Out on the field, Luna was on the commentator's post, while Hermione gave the instructions. "It simple, really: score with the Quaffle on any goal to get yourself points, the catching of the Snitch ends the game, hit each other with bludgers to boost our ratings. Ready, set--GO!"

The Sues all took off, Korista wobbling a bit in the strong winds. Zarita took to the skies, looking in every direction for a glint of gold--her strategy was to catch the Snitch. Minda was low on the ground, barely seen by the others. She had already scored three goals by one minute into the game, but her winning streak didn't last long. Hentai transformed into a Quaffle and threw herself through the hoop several times before getting tired. Meanwhile, Kinachiana was practically trying to murder the Quaffle, for she had brutally smacked it through more goals than anyone else had. The ball was starting to have a flat spot.

"And it looks like Zarita's spotted something!" Luna said into the magical megaphone, "She's seen the Snitch! WATCH OUT, MINDA, THERE'S A HAILSTONE HEADED TOWARD YOU AS BIG AS A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORLACK!" she shouted, and Minda swerved just in time.

Up in the sky, having scored no goal yet, Zarita sped after the Snitch with Minda close on her tail. Kinachiana ignored them both, still busy scoring, Hentai had caused herself to get dizzy and throw up, and Korista was stuck in an upside-down mount. Minda threw her expensive, silver stiletto heel and caught Zarita on the wrist, but she kept on speeding...

Just then, Kinachiana had an idea. Without any verbal spellwrork or wandwaving, she shot a huge, heavy-artillery missile into the middle of the pitch. Everyone screamed in horror as her dominating silouhette rose higher, and she shot another burning hot missile at Hentai, who screamed and spiraled downward.

"Holy crap!" Luna screamed at the top of her lungs into the megaphone, "Chia-Sue's just shot down Hentai with a magical missile! Our ratings have shot straight through the roof!" The people who had suddenly appeared in the audience started cheering as Kinachiana's last missile brought Zarita down. Kinachiana watching her handiwork woth a maniacal cackle--but Zarita had already caught the Snitch.


The Canon-Sues and Lt. Mary Sue had gathered the five Sues in the Great Hall to announce their scores. "That was excellent, all of you!" Mary said enthusiasticly, being her happy, peppy self. Even now, the other contestants were envious of her perfect figure, soulful gaze, and hair that swirled in the breeze even though no windows were open. "Now I'll announce how you did," Mary went on.

Kinachiana had an evil smirk on her face, while Zarita looked smug as can be, messing up the back of her hair to make it even more apparent that she had just gotten off of a broom. "Korista: zero," Mary Sue said. "Minda: forty. Hentai: Seventy. Zarita: one hundred and fifty. Kinachiana: one hundred and seventy." Kinachiana's smile grew even wider, while Zarita cursed loudly into the camera and then made a rude hand gesture at it, stalking off to cut herself like the wannabe-emo everyone thought she was. A ghostly yet warm wind spread through the room, and out of the corner of her eye, Kinachiana thought she saw Lisemily giving her the thumbs-up sign. I can do this, she thought with enthusiasm, today, the Quidditch field...tomorrow, the world!


Korista tested the strings on her newly invented thought-pod, which thankfully worked, before ushering the Sues out of the corridor and into the dorm. "Everyone, I have something I need to show you," she said.

"What is it?" Zarita asked with much irritation. "I'm really not in the mood."

"You don't have to stay, this is only for Chia." Kinachiana's rosy cheeks flushed, while Zarita glared at her once more. "I've invented this thingy...I call it a Thought-Pod, and it makes music according to my thoughts. A few hours ago, I was visited by Lisemily Riddle. I tell you, she's such a nice girl, and one hell of a Mary Sue!" Everyone cheered while Korista went on. "Anyway, she wrote this song about her sister, Kinachiana, but then she died and never got to sing it, and she wanted me to sing it, so, here it goes."

Korista took a few seconds to start the music, strumming on the winding strings as the music of an entire band and orchestra filled the dormitory. She stood up on the center bed, which was Lt. Mary Sue's, and when she sang, it was like heaven had burned down and fallen to the earth.

"Her riot-stopping hair
And crimson garnet stare
Ensnare the senses of society
An oh-so-tragic past
Has other girls surpassed
And forged her brutal notoriety.
Her words can strike fear in the hearts of a nation
While her body inspires sweet temptation...

"She's the girl who was meant to rule
Seductively pretty, sadistically cruel
But her sadness and angst make it all cool
She's the darker side of Miss Cliched.

"She wears those fishnet socks
Her wardrobe really rocks
And she always knows what's going on
She'll spill her darkest fears
Then insult you to tears
And it hurts 'cause you know she's never wrong.
She's perfect with no explanation
On her way to world domination

"She's the girl who was meant to rule
Seductively pretty, sadistically cruel
But her sadness and angst make it all cool
She's the darker side of Miss Cliched.

"She's the girl who's so in the zone
In a class of her very own
Everyone knows she was born to PWN
She's so flawlessly Miss Cliched."

As the cheesy refrain ended, Kinachiana started to cry--she had no idea her sister had cared for her so. Well, okay, she did, seeing as someone has to care for you a lot to die for you. Poor, naive Lisemily; she could have saved her own life if she had sensed the dangers that surrounded the family, but her kindness wouldn't have been in vain. I will continue to avenge you, Kinachiana thought, I will never stop until the world is ours.

At the back of the room, Hentai moved as close as she could to Zarita without her boobs crushing the prophecy-destroyer to the wall. "Zita," she whispered, "Chia is a vampire, right?" Zarita immediately understood what her ally meant: Kinachiana's vampire weaknesses that had been used as a plot device to make her more intensely Sueish could be used to bring her to a grim demise.

"Ready the stakes."


A/N: Three guesses who the contenders for most tragic past are. If you've actually read this far, it won't kill you to leave a review. I value your opinion. Even if it's just to flame my cheesy song, as I'm used to poetry flames by now.