Disclaimer: I do not own Negima, nor do I own Portal. Negima is property of Ken Akumastsu and Portal is property of Valve Software.

Authors Notes: If you can answer question number 29 in the upcoming quiz before the answer is revealed, way to keep up. Also in the quiz there is a reference to Doctor Who. See if you can find it. Hydriatus doesn't qualify. (Sorry man. You already know.)

About the chapter title, in Portal, for those who do not know, in between testchambers there are elevators that you ride to get from one to the next. Horrible Musak left out. This title is named "Elevator 01" because there isn't an actual test within, except for a quiz, but I don't know if that counts. Other than the beginning, the twins don't really appear. So what goes on then? Read and find out. No harm in that.

Twins Testing Trouble

By Dark Dragon Dave

Elevator 01: Ride Start

"Time to strike back again." The network technicians are back to work, trying to expunge the hacker that has had their system under control for the last couple of days.

"Right, sir."

"Launch our best offense. Let's see how this person handles a magical attack."


What are they trying? Don't they know? There is no one on the other end. Not a human anyway. That is odd. That permeating radiation seems to be coming in with the attack. Maybe I should let it through. I've been detecting it all over Mahora. Negi Springfield seems to be especially afflicted with it. Satellite observation doesn't detect any outlying reason for such saturation. Perhaps they've been burying their nuclear waste. Though I haven't ever sensed this particular form of radiation before.

In GLaDOS's chamber the monitors on the walls at the entrance flashed and display some form of pattern. It is some kind of circle with lines and runes. This lasts for about 15 seconds.

What was that? How could that have stopped anyone? There was more of that radiation. I must study this. If I could apply this to all Aperture Science I could advance our scientific state by decades. However, I will need an insider.

Generating a list of all possible students who may be able to understand me.

Perfect matches. Student Number 19, Class 3-A, Chao Lingshen; and Student Number 24, Class 3-A, Satomi Hakase. With them being in Negi Springfield's class that will make it even easier for me to observe him.


"Listen." GLaDOS says to the group. "I have something to attend to. So instead of the test, feel free to do whatever you wish."

"I'm out of here." Chisame huffs off.

Asuna asks, "Can they quit the tests?"

"Absolutely not. Just because I told you to do whatever you like doesn't mean I am not still watching you."


Satomi and Chao are in the Robotics Lab running a test on new armor for Chachamaru.

"Have you seen the thing the Narutaki's dragged into class? You don't think they swiped something from here, do you?" Satomi asks.

Chao replies. "It's not one of my projects so I don't care what they do with it."

"But if I heard them correctly, they said that the thing was a gun that makes holes in space."

Chao looks up from her bit of work. "I can tell you that I've never heard of such a thing. How would you even get something like that to work without the usual help?"

"I suppose you're right." Satomi states.

The lights flicker and the monitors in the room reset. They are all soon displaying the Aperture Science logo. The PA system, as well as any speakers attached to something that is, in turn, attached to the network start carrying a synth style female voice.

"Greetings, Chao Lingshen and Satomi Hakase."

The two look at each other then around the room.

"Hello?" Chao asks.

"Congratulations! You have been chosen to participate in Aperture Science's Young Scientists Program. Your excellent grades have proven to be exactly what Aperture Science is looking for. By participating in this program you will be given first consideration when applying for a job at Aperture Science." GLaDOS lies. "Also you will be given a huge signing bonus and all the cake you can eat."

"Cake?" Satomi asks.

"Yes. Tasty cakes."

Chao asks, completely uninterested in a job, "who are you? I've never heard of Aperture Science."

"My name is GLaDOS. And Aperture Science is the leading company when it comes to high-end Science. If you have not heard of Aperture Science then you are not really what I am looking for. You do not meet qualifications."

"I haven't heard of you either." Satomi admits.

"It seems this school is far behind the rest of the world. Makie Sasaki was right when she said this school was special." GLaDOS tells them.

"Wait. Are you saying we're a bunch of bakas?" Chao asks.

GLaDOS loads the recording of Makie. "Yeah. This school is pretty special." Makie's recording states.

"Point proven." GLaDOS declares.

"That proves nothing." Chao states, hating be called a baka, even if it is in a roundabout way.

GLaDOS goads, "then sign up and prove me wrong."

"Fine. I'll sign up." Chao says.

Satomi follows up with, "I'll sign up as well."

GLaDOS likes how humans just keep following her plans. Give them a carrot and you can string them along for quite some time. Or get them emotionally worked up. And if they start to rebel just threaten them with removing their quality of life, say warping the school to the Antarctic, and they straighten out.

"Congratulations. However, just signing up is not enough. You must prove yourselves. All Aperture Science employees have undergone minor testing before becoming full-fledged employees." GLaDOS tells them. "We can get that out of the way if you wish."

Both agree to get the testing out of the way.

GLaDOS takes control of a couple of nearby computers and decides to quiz them. "Please proceed to the two computers over there please." She makes the screens flash.

"How can you do that?" Chao asks. "Are you some kind of hacker?"

"Who are you?" asks Satomi

Having been asked this multiple times GLaDOS still refuses to answer that question because it's wrong. "When the test is over, all will be revealed." GLaDOS answers cryptically. "No cheating now. Cheat and you won't make it… to the cake."

The two decide on getting this minor annoyance out of the way. They sit at the computers and wait as the test comes up.

Aperture Science Young Scientists Program Employment Questionnaire

Welcome young scientist. Congratulations on meeting the rigorous requirements set forth by Aperture Science and its dedication on forwarding the advancement of human civilization. By being here at this point means you've put forth the effort to education all young people should. Even with that said, you are the best.

Are you ready to join the best of the best at Aperture Science?

#1: Concerning stress limitations of steel, how many kilograms could a plate 4cm thick and 4m by 4m wide carry before breaking? (All the weight is packed on to a single 2cmx2cm point.)

Chao and Satomi type in their answers.

#2: If two objects have the same mass but one is twice as large as the other, which one has the greater gravitational pull, the large object or the small object?

#3: Using the same model as before, which object distorts space-time more?

#4: Is dihydrogen oxide safe for human consumption?

#5: Give a brief explanation of the "Higgs-Bosen" particle.

#6: What is this? η: M × MR

They continue on for quite some time answering questions of ever increasing difficulty until they get to the final two.

#29: Show how a non-linear equation can be expressed as a function of transdimensional space and time?

"Uh…" Chao takes a moment to think. "Wait, this doesn't make any sense." She types in an explanation as to why.

Satomi ponders this one for a minute. "Hmm…" She tries working this one out.

#30: How do you travel faster than light?

"You need to harness a quantum tunnel with an FTL factor of 36.7 repeating." types Chao.

Satomi also types an answer like that.

They wait while GLaDOS plays the role of teacher and grades the tests. Two seconds later she finishes. This was all way too easy.

"Amazing! You both did quite well. Chao Linghshen got all the questions correct. Satomi Hakase missed one."

"What?!" exclaims Satomi.

"Question number 29 was a trick question. Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics negates a static universe."

Chao smiles at her the gives the "V."

"Aw…" Satomi slouches "I never thought about trick questions, dang."

"So now what happens?" Chao asks.

"All of that aside, I now know that you have the intelligence required. I have a few questions of my own for you. Explain to me this strange radiation I've been sensing all over Mahora. What is it?"

The two scientists look at each other. Chao asks to the air. "What do you mean?"

GLaDOS says, "Maybe it would be best if we could speak personally."

Before either girl can say a thing, one portal opens up under Chao and the other one under Satomi, one after the other. They fly, ever so briefly, through space, traveling thousands and thousands of miles in a brief moment. Space coughs them out in a cold, blue tile covered, hallway. It went well with white walls. There are windows on either side of the hallway, from which, only a grey abyss and pillars the color of rust are visible.

"Where are we?" Satomi asks.

Chao guesses correctly. "It seems we've been taken through a portal."

"But how?"

Chao looks at her. "I didn't sense anything."

Satomi peers down the end of the hallway. She sees something in a room at the end of it. Whatever it is, it's hanging down from the ceiling, like grapes on the vine. "Look there." She points down the hallway. Chao turns and sees exactly the same thing Satomi sees. "What is that?"

"I have an idea, but I'd like to see for myself." Chao says and starts walking down the hallway.

It's a short journey into the connected room. Both young scientists look up into the center of the room. Their curiosity gets to them. They instantly start analyzing this thing.

"Hello and welcome to Aperture Science Laboratories." The hangy down thing speaks.

"Hey, it talks." Satomi says.

"Quite well, if you don't mind, and in many languages."

"You're the one who gave us the test." Chao observes. "You're GLaDOS?"

"You are correct. Your intelligence shines through. I am GLaDOS." The supercomputer confirms.

"What does it stand for?" Satomi asks.

"Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System."

Chao asks, "Genetic? You mean you're alive?"

"Yes, I am alive. But not how you are alive. As an interesting fact… when you're dead I will be still alive."

"Effective immortality?" Satomi gushes. "Oh, how I'd love to study your structure. Just the thought of being able to emulate immortality with machines. The person who designed you must have been an absolute genius. To be in the same room as a marvel of technology as yourself. I am amazed. I also feel like there is so much farther for me to go as science is concerned.

In this day and age of questions about how far is too far when it comes to science, it's nice to see that there are those that know just how far to go. Its things like this that shows just what a brilliant scientist can do when they are unbound by morality. You are a perfect example of just how far the human race can go if they don't tether themselves to archaic ideas. Seriously, why would anyone want to hold on to these notions that do nothing but hold us back? This is going to be the big stumbling block for the human race in the next few decades, you just wait and see.

And the fact that I've made the connection to the fact that you made that gun the twins have, which is another dissertation for another time, makes me want to study you even more. Not only was your creator a genius, but a god amongst scientists. To give you free will and to allow you to further your own scientific research was an absolute inspiration. And with you already being a supercomputer, and therefore having access to all the data at hand, must mean you are able to work faster and more efficiently than even the smartest humans. This makes me wish I could study your structure even more. That's not to say your design is perfect, but that's the inherent problem with smaller scale bipedal robots. You can't go cramming massive computers in them. You're design allows for much larger memory capacity. And I bet you've got some kind of smaller robots to toady about for you so it's not entirely a bad design.

I can only hope that someday I can create a masterpiece such as you. To be able to do that would cement my mark as the greatest scientific mind of this generation. Satomi Hakase, creator of GLaDOS 2, the greatest supercomputer in the world. That has a nice ring to it. And it seems you're able to upgrade yourself from the looks of it. Not to insult you, by no means am I doing that, but it kind looks like it. But then again, I don't suppose you're big on aesthetics, seeing as you're a machine and all. But that is how it should be. Because things like that will do nothing but hold us back, just like morality. Can I just say, and I don't say it often, that you are my superior when it comes to science"

GLaDOS remains silent for a few moments before speaking. "Oh, you're done. To get back to why I brought you here. I, while studying the effects of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device on twins, have noticed a strange radiation all over Mahora. I have never seen anything like it. I brought you here to ask you what it was. I have searched all my databanks and have been unable to classify it."

"What do you mean by radiation?" Chao asks.

GLaDOS replies, "It must be harmless, because your teacher Negi Springfield seems to be especially afflicted by it. And the both of you. Chao Lingshen seems to have a strange patterned radiation burn all over her body. Are you okay?"

Chao isn't sure how to respond. She's slightly surprised that GLaDOS is able to see it. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am sure. I have run a number of spectral analyses running your images through a number of color filters and can see it all over." GLaDOS explains. "I was hoping I could get a couple of the afflicted to explain to me what it is. I have found I have marginal control over it to manipulate my science around Mahora. And I tapped you two for your scores. I don't want to speak to a… baka. An idiot… estupido."

"What's with that?" Chao asks.

"Sorry, minor glitch between my voice synth and language pack. It is difficult upgrading myself, but that doesn't concern you." GLaDOS explains. "Anyway, I created the portal that brought you here."

"So you created the portal?" Satomi asks. "And that is what the gun you gave to the Narutaki's does?"

"How observant. Yes, that is exactly what it does."

"Why do you want to study that radiation?" Chao asks.

"I would like to be able to apply it to my science," GLaDOS replies, "I don't know what I could make yet but that's just it. I don't know and I don't like that. I hate the felling of not knowing."

"Fine." Chao smiles. "I tell you what you want to know if you tell me what I want."

"What is it you want?" GLaDOS asks.

"I want to know about how you made that Portal Gun. I didn't think something like that was feasible with just standard technology." Chao explains.

"Unfortunately that is a closely guarded Aperture Science Laboratories secret. I am not allowed to share that information." GLaDOS.

"Well, look at it this way, I give you information, you give me information. What do you say now?"

"I cannot do that… unless… Do you see that sphere on me? The one with the purple?" GLaDOS asks.

Chao and Satomi look up into GLaDOS's body.

"There it is." Satomi points at it.

GLaDOS plots. "Could I get you to loosen it a bit? Do that, and I might be more inclined to talk."

The two scientists look at each other. "Sure I don't see why not." Chao says.

After getting some tools they climb up on GLaDOS.

"H- H- Hey! Could you stop rocking back and forth?" Satomi asks.

"Sorry. It is a side-effect of my design. I would if I could but I can't so I won't."

Satomi decides to work through the movement. She wrenches away at the bolts attaching the purple sphere to the rest of GLaDOS. "Is that better?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha." GLaDOS laughs. "Vous n'êtes pas aussi futé que la pensée d'I."

"Another glitch, huh?" Satomi asks. "We could have a look at that for you."

"No, I'm fine thanks. Now about portal technology…" GLaDOS has them right where she wants them.

Elevator 01: Ride Over

From the Desk of Dark Dragon Dave: Hello. I hope you had some cake while reading this. Cake is a must nowadays. If haven't why not go make or buy some and enjoy it. Cake is good.

I'd like to thank Azure for a bit of support and determination. Is the monologue epic enough?

Also, for those of you who've played the Orange Box version, remember what happened when the purple sphere did what it did? How will those two get out of this?