Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. (If I did, Deathly Hollows would NOT have ended like it did...I won't say anymore, in case anyone hasn't read it, which would be a crime against humanity and all reptiles…) I also do not own Bob Saget, Marvin the mushroom, a stone waffle iron, "Full House," Realization, "The Simpson's,"

A/N: I am soooooooo terribly sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time! I deserve for absolutely no one to read this! I am absolutely, terribly, awfully, incredibly, morbidly, horrifically deeesguuusted with myself!

I would like to dedicate this, the last chapter, to all the people who have read this story, are reading it now, or will read it in the future. Now, I'm going to go cry and procrastinate doing my homework, which I deplore. But alas, let us continue on with the story of Sirius Black: Unicorn King!

Sirius Black: Happy Days Are Here Again!

"James!" Sirius called to the man now standing before him.

"Sirius!" James called back.

"JAMES!" Sirius shouted ecstatically.

"SIRIUS!" yelled James, equally thrilled.

"JAMES!"

"SIRIUS!"

"JAMES!"

"SIRIUS!"

"James, are you talking to yourself again? I know it's lonely out here, but…oh! It is Sirius!" Lily Potter cried as she stepped out into the cave-room. "I can't believe it!"

"I can't believe it either!" James stated, unbelievingly.

"Me neither and I don't even know what we aren't believing!" Sirius shouted joyfully, as he ran forward to embrace his two pals. After several very suffocating hugs, and several more exclamations of excitement, the chums settled down to sit atop stone stools around a smooth, circular stone table.

"So Sirius," Lily began, slightly out of breath from all the suffocation of hugs and the celebration, "How did you get here?"

"Well, first I was dead, and then I was in a meadow with this psychotic unicorn, against whom I supposedly committed a crime, and was sentenced by this judge unicorn called Judy who pretty much hated my guts! Then, I got in trouble for a murder I didn't commit, again, and there was a really annoying doofus, Fred, and Judy got fired, and we all had to go on this quest to find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie! But then Judy and Fred died, and the house-elf lady that I didn't kill was there with this freaky foreign guy who thought he was me, and then I ran away, and then I swam for a long time, and now I'm here!" Sirius finished at last.

Lily and James looked at each other, puzzled, before James said, "Well that's weird." Which, indeed, it was.

"Well, err…do you really have that pie?" Sirius asked uncertainly.

"What pie?" James queried.

Sirius rolled his eyes, saying, "You know, the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie! The one that those dolts sent me through quicksand and over a mountain of moles and through a giant, creepy forest and to this island to get? The one that would supposedly, make me "king" of the unicorns and what not?" Lily and James blinked blankly back at him for a moment, before realization struck them.

"OUCH! What the hell was that for?" Lily snarled at Realization.

"Wha' choo talkin' 'bout? It said, "Realization struck them," so I 'ad to strike ya!"

"Whoever created that term needs to be locked up for a long time," James stated, massaging his jaw where Realization had struck him. Realization eyed the two Potters warily, before deciding to depart.

"Well, my work 'ere is done," it stated simply, and promptly vanished in a puff of periwinkle smoke.

"All right then, moving on. Do you remember now what pie I'm talking about?" Sirius questioned exasperatedly.

"Huh? Oh, right then, yeah, we do, but you see…the problem is…that we err, well…" James looked uncomfortably at Lily.

"The thing is, that, I mean, we were really hungry…and there wasn't any other food…"

"Yeah, and err, what else were we to do? Starve to death?" James continued. Sirius glanced back and forth between them incredulously.

"You ate it, didn't you?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah we did."

"But," Lily began slowly, as if she was just remembering something. "We saved a piece, remember?"

"Yeah! Because we thought that Marvin might want some!"

"Wait, who's Marvin?" queried Sirius.

"Oh, he was our pet mushroom…but he, err, died in a tragic smelting accident," Lily alleged.

"You ate him too, didn't you?" Sirius inquired, somewhat amused by his best friends' appetite, but somewhat frightened as well.

"Yeah, yeah we did."

"Anyways, we still have a piece left of the pie!" Lily exclaimed.

"Yes, so you're journey was not entirely fruitless!" James declared.

"Actually, I believe that it was, seeing as nuts aren't fruits," Lily stated.

"How do you know?" James argued.

"Because…well, I just do!"

"You wanna bet?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

"STOP!" Sirius bellowed, his cry echoing through the cave.

"Sorry," James and Lily apologized.

"It's OK," Sirius said calmly. "Right, so now that we're back on track, where is this last piece of pie?"

"In the pantry," James replied serenely, though still glaring fiercely at Lily. Sirius whirled around in search of the pantry, and suddenly felt his big toe connect with something solid and silver in color.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT?" Sirius cried out angrily, hopping around the stone kitchen area on one foot while hold the other in pain. Lily glanced guilty down at the offending object.

"It's a waffle iron," she stated shamefully. Sirius stopped his one-footed motion momentarily to stare confusedly at her. "A stone waffle iron," she clarified.

"Pardon my asking, but why in the name of Bob Saget would you need a stone waffle iron?" he cried out again, still confused.

"Hang on a minute, who's Bob Saget?" James asked, just as puzzled as Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes, and explained, "You know, tall, skinny, ugly guy? He was on "Full House," remember?" Lily and James exchanged bamboozled looks, and shook their heads at Sirius in a way implying that they were concerned for their sanity.

"So anyways, what were we talking about before Bob Saget?" inquired Lily.

"Oh, yeah," Sirius recalled, "Why do you have a stone waffle iron?"

James shrugged, " I got bored, Lily wanted waffles, there was a gnome; it seemed like the thing to do, you know? Everything was in order."

"What did the gnome have to do with it?" Sirius posed.

"Oh, well, everyone knows that gnomes make the best waffles ever!" Lily stated, plainly flabbergasted at Sirius's lack of knowledge of gnomes or waffles.

"I see. So. What was I doing? I remember! Where's the pantry?" Sirius said, finally returning to his original quest. James turned around to face the solid stone wall, and tapped it with his wand one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…

"How long exactly is this going to take?" asked Sirius impatiently.

"Only…four hundred ninety-two more times," replied James.

"You have to tap it as many times as a common denominator of five and ten," Lily elucidated.

"I'm not claiming to be an expert at this sort of stuff, but I think that ten is common denominator those," Sirius said slowly, as though he were talking to someone with severe damage to their cerebrum.

"Huh...guess I never thought of it that way…" James stated embarrassedly. He tapped it twice more, and the gray, solid wall swung forward to reveal an extremely cramped cubbyhole, in the middle of which stood a two and a half legged stool. Upon the stool sat something that was obviously rotting, awfully green, and covered in saran wrap. "There's the pie," James alleged sheepishly. Sirius stepped forward to sniff it with his keen, dog-like smelling machine. The decaying pie reeked horribly of mold, yet he could vaguely discern the scent of almonds.

"Err, I haven't got to eat this, have I?" Sirius eyed what the badly preserved pie fearfully.

"I sure hope not," Lily declared. "That thing is nasty."

"We should give it a name," James suggested. "Then you'll have a reason not to eat it, in case those crazy unicorns try to make you."

"That's a good idea, because the fact that it's partially alive and covered in a strange, green, hair-like substance is definitely not convincing enough. Besides, having a name didn't stop you from gobbling up Marvin the mushroom," Sirius chided jokingly.

Lily cleared her throat, and asked, "Speaking of the unicorns, shouldn't we be getting back to their little village so they can meet their new king?"

"Who's their new king?" Sirius queried, bewildered.

"You are, smart-one," James returned.

"Oh. Well, what if I don't want to be the king?" This was a very good question, for truly, Sirius did not think that being the king of a group of intolerably cheerful, talking horses would be very pleasurable.

"Why wouldn't you want to be king? James and I would be there too," explained Lily. Sirius cheered immediately, his face twisting into his goofy grin.

"Really?" Sirius thought it too good to be true.

"Yeah, really?" James inquired.

Lily rolled her lime eyes up at the stone ceiling, saying, "Did you read the fine print on the contract? It said that we would have to go back to the village to advise the new king or queen."

"And here I was thinking we'd never have to see those creepy things again. Hey, when did you get lime eyes, anyway?" James asked, staring at her vibrant eyes.

"Well, usually people say their emerald, but I don't think so. They look a bit more limey, don't you think?" Lily said, glancing in a nearby mirror that had been made out of superheated sand that turned to glass.

"No, not at all."

"Yeah, they look pretty un-limey to me," Sirius alleged, agreeing with James.

"Fine then. But, as I was saying, we should get back to the unicorns," Lily admitted.

Sirius shook his head. "No, I really don't think we should."

"Mos' def'!" James hollered.

Lily shook her head, and scowled, "Who do you think you are, James?"

"What do you mean, 'Who do I think I am?' I am James Potter, Prongs the Marauder, the father of the Boy-Who-Lived!" he declared proudly, puffing out his thin chest. Suddenly, a thoughtful expression came over James Potter the Marauder's face. "Hey, how is Harry anyway?"

"Yeah," Lily began, "how is he?" They turned towards Sirius expectantly.

"Well," Sirius started shamefully, "You see, I didn't actually raise Harry…exactly."

"Well, why the hell not?" James demanded.

"Yeah, why the hell not?" Lily also demanded.

"Alright, to make a long story short, I went to check on Wormtail that night, found he was gone, hopped over to your place, saw the whole freakin' mess, then Hagrid came and told me that Dumbledore told him that Harry had to go live with Petunia and the large one. I tried to stop him," Sirius said wildly, looking at the stunned expressions , "I tried to take Harry with me, but Hagrid said it was Dumbledore's orders, so I let him take Harry to the Dursleys. Needless to say, I went to hunt down that betraying rat-fiend, Pettigrew, but when I caught up with him, he shouted out to the whole street that I had double-crossed you, blew up all the nearby muggles with his wand behind his back, cut off his own finger to fake his own death, and lived the next thirteen years as a rat, while I got carted off to Azkaban.

"But I escaped," he continued, "One day, I turned into Padfoot, snuck through the bars in my cell, and gave the Dementors the slip. Eventually, the ministry found out and they put all these flyers everywhere, and gave the Dementors permission to guard Hogwarts, and kiss me if they found me."

"Wait a minute, why would they have the Dementors guarding Hogwarts?" James queried intensely.

"For some reason, the idiots seemed to think that I was after Harry. Must have thought me mad enough to go hunt him down. And I did go to Hogwarts, but not for Harry. Somehow, little Wormtail had ended up as a pet rat to Harry's friend Ron. Ron's family was in the Prophet for winning the lottery or something, and it said that the children were at Hogwarts, with one of youngest ones in Harry's year. There was a picture, and I recognized Pettigrew as the rat on Ron's shoulder immediately. So, I went to Hogwarts, hung around there for a bit, conducted several abortive attempts to catch the rat, who Ron called Scabbers, but eventually I caught up with them in the Shrieking Shack. Anyways, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, and Remus, who was teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts that year all found out I was innocent, as well as Dumbledore and Snivellus. Harry and Hermione helped me escape on Hagrid's hippogriff, Buckbeak, and I had been hiding out in the mountains until Voldy got resurrected last year, and we used Grimauld Place as headquarters for the Order. Then, at a battle that Harry was lured to by Voldemort, Bellatrix killed me, and now I'm here," he finished with a grimace.

"Wow," Lily stated.

"Yeah," James began, yawning, "I thought you said that was going to be a short story."

Sirius shrugged. "I led a very complicated life."

"So we see," Lily agreed.

"Wait, even after Dumbledore knew you were innocent, did Harry still have to live with the Dursleys?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius nodded morosely, "But he came to Grimauld Place for a while during the summer holidays, and at Christmas when Ron's dad was attacked by Voldemort's pet snake."

"Wow," Lily stated again.

"There was some pretty weird stuff going on, wasn't there?" James posed.

"Yeah," Lily sighed, "Kind of makes me wish I hadn't died." James nodded in agreement.

"There's still the afterlife to look forward to, though, isn't there?" Sirius solicited mildly.

"Mos' def'," James agreed. And without further ado, the three chums settled in for the night, with Sirius camping out on the surprisingly comfortable rock couch. After all, the day had been a very long and highly exhausting one.

The next morning, James, Lily, and Sirius rose early. Well, really only a little early. Alright, alright, they slept until four o'clock in the afternoon, and then had waffles, which were made by the offending waffle iron from the previous night.

"I sure do love waffles," Sirius declared dandily as he helped himself to his thirteenth one.

"Me too," Lily concurred, her mouth stuffed with waffle, fructose-filled syrup dripping down her pale, freckly chin.

"Hmm…I feel like we're forgetting something important," supposed James.

"Yeah," Lily agreed after swallowing her waffle.

"Really? 'Cos I sure don't. At least nothing important anyway," Sirius said loftily.

"What do you mean?" the Potters questioned him in unison.

"Well, there was that thing about going back to the unicorns so they know that I'm their king now, or whatever," he added.

Realization dawned upon James and Lily. "Oh yeah! That!"

"Mm-hmm…not like it's pertinent or anything," Sirius stated simply, shrugging.

"Of course it is! We should go now!" Lily declared as she stood up, her rock fork clattering to the rock floor.

"Lil's right, amigo," James admitted. "We probably should go tell them soon, before they forget about you."

"They probably already have," Sirius snorted. "They have attention spans half the size of Homer Simpson's."

"You mean, Bob Saget's?" James corrected him.

"No, you know, Homer, from "The Simpson's," a bit rotund, loves donuts and bacon, dumber than Bertha Jorkins and Cornelius Fudge combined?"

"Sorry, not ringing a bell," James said.

"How can you not know "The Simpson's," I mean, they're all yellow except for Apu and that doctor and that other guy that works with Homer at Burns's radioactive power plant!" James and Lily looked quizzically at each other. "You know what? Just forget I even mentioned it. Now, come on! We've got some unicorns to inform!" Sirius declared, and so the three friends marched out of the nature-made door, and around to the back of the tiny island surrounded by Lemon Leaf Lake. Surprisingly enough, there sat a little rowboat.

"That would have been nice to have on the way over here," Sirius grumbled.

"Yeah, and we don't have to go through all that rubbish that you did," James stated.

"Hold up, you mean there's an easier way?" inquired Sirius.

"Of course! Didn't you know? The unicorn village is just there!" James exclaimed, pointing to the other side of the yellow lake. Indeed, Sirius could hear little whinnies and unicorn giggles issuing from the trees in that direction.

"I loathe them," he confirmed clearly.

"Oh, they aren't that bad," Lily chided. She seemed to reconsider this idea for a moment, before saying, "Fine, they are that bad." She stepped gracefully into the little wooden rowboat, James and Sirius following suit. The tiny contraption sped over to the land of its own accord, and before he knew it, Sirius had re-entered the tiny village of unicorns, but this time, he held the moldy pie in his hands.

"Ooh, look! Sirius has returned with the pie and some other people!" a small unicorn declared as it spotted the people entering the village. Without warning, a large cry broke out from the nearby unicorns. The whinnying creatures galloped towards the humans, and swept Sirius onto their backs, as they cried, "The king! The king! We have a new king!" Which, indeed, they did.

Sirius, James, and Lily spent the rest of their days lounging around in the little barn-palace, eating waffles from a silver, stone waffle iron, ruling over the unicorns peacefully and with a little respect for their kind-hearted ways, getting into odd sorts of mischief, similar to those days back at Hogwarts, and watching muggle television programs, such as "The Simpson's," and "Full House," with Bob Saget. One day, nearly a year after Sirius's coronation as king, Dumbledore joined them, followed by "Mad-Eye" Moody, then Remus, Tonks, and a great, great while later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Ginny, on the other hand, never did, because she figured out how to make the Elixir of Life, and lived on forever and ever. But she just didn't know how much she was missing out on, for as Dumbledore once wisely said, "Death is just the beginning of another great adventure." Too true Dumbledore, too true.

THE END