A/N: For the record, out of cyberspace, I don't swear. At all. Mmkay?
The situation (in case you've forgotten): Wolf and I have been captured by pickle commandos, and are on our way to the Chasm of Death to be disposed of by said pickles. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast have been tied up by a different commando squad, and Will has managed to achieve a new level of disgusting bladder non-control. Oh, and Wolf left it up to me to write our escape. *eye twitch*
Izzy: We're going to die.
Gilan: No we're not.
Izzy: Yes we are.
Gilan: No we're not.
Izzy: Yes we are.
Gilan: No we're not.
Izzy: Yes we are.
Gilan: No we're not.
Izzy: Yes we are.
Gilan: No we're not.
Izzy: Yes we are.
Halt: Will you guys stop it!
Izzy: I'm just sayin', we're gonna die soaked in pee and barf.
Alyss: Nice.
Izzy: Hey, I tells it like I sees it. [stares off into space]
Everyone else: [blinks]
Pickle Commando #37: Come on, you all. Let's move.
Crowley: Um, Mr. Pickle, sir?
Pickle Commando #37: Yes?
Crowley: We kind of...can't get up.
Pickle Commando #37: [sighs in a longsuffering fashion] Alright, fine. [shouting to Pickle Commandos #23-34] Let's get 'em up!
Gilan: We're gonna die.
Izzy: Toldja so.
[Everyone is hauled up into a truck.]
Meanwhile...
[Wolf and Sunda are sitting despondently in the cart as they are hauled off toward the Chasm of Death. Although neither will admit it, both are terrified. As they pass a sign that says "Chasm of Death: Next Right" Sunda speaks for the first time in quite a while.]
Sunda: Okay, maybe I overreacted when I thought we were stuck here.
Wolf: [sarcastically] Ya think?
Sunda: Hey, I'm trying to apologize! Gimme a freakin' break!
Wolf: You're...apologizing?
Sunda: [gets increasingly agitated] Yeah, but I'm really bad at it, but I want to make sure you know I'm sincere, but I don't want to sound totally lame, cause that's just the kind of person I am, but-
Wolf: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down!
Sunda: [shuts her mouth]
Wolf: Look, it's alright, alright?
Sunda: [smiles] Alright. Thanks.
Wolf: [smiles back] No problem.
Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: FLUFFY MOMENT! [cackles and disappears]
Wolf and Sunda: [blink a few times, then burst out laughing]
Sunda: I am so glad Halt wasn't here to see that. I doubt Izzy will slap him for me again.
Wolf: So, how are we going to get out of here?
Sunda: [lets out a breath] I've been thinking about that – when I wasn't thinking about where we're going or how to phrase my apology, that is...
Wolf: I think you're right.
Sunda: About what?
Wolf: I don't want to know how your brain works.
Sunda: [laughs slightly] No, you don't. Anyway, I'm thinking that I use this bunny pencil to-
Wolf: Wait, how will that help us?
Sunda: Oh, you'd be surprised how many magical writing utensils there are. Anyway, I use this bunny pencil to draw something – I'm still working on what – that will get us safely out of the Chasm of Death.
Wolf: How about a dragon?
Sunda: Thought of that. Too unpredictable.
Wolf: You could bring Saphira in.
Sunda: No, 'cause then she'd have to stay. And do you really wanna type all those italics every time she says something?
Wolf: [thinks for a moment] Good point.
Sunda: Thank you. Hey, your source of power is the Hunter's Knife, right?
Wolf: Yeah. So?
Sunda: So can't you use that somehow?
Wolf: I would, but the pickle commandos took that away from me.
Sunda: [mutters something] Okay, that's shot. Well- [suddenly doubles over in pain]
Wolf: Sunda? You okay?
Sunda: [through gritted teeth] Yeah, peachy.
Wolf: Well, you can't be too bad if you can be sarcastic.
Sunda: [straightens up as much as she can with her hands tied behind her back] I'd kick you for that if I didn't feel like I was about to throw up.
Wolf: [edges as far away from Sunda as he can] Please don't. I don't want to die smelling like vomit.
Sunda: Believe me, I'll try not to. [takes a few deep breaths]
Wolf: What just happened?
Sunda: I think...oh, crap. [closes her eyes in an "oh crap this is really bad" way]
Wolf: What?
Sunda: Remember when you ate my M&M pen?
Wolf: Yeah. What about it?
Sunda: [still with her eyes closed] Well, that was the primary source of my power. [opens eyes] It wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't broken my keyboard, but...
Wolf: [swears quietly]
Sunda: Exactly.
Back with the rest of the group...
Eragon: [to the pickle commandos who are watching the group] Where are we going?
Pickle Commando #21: Shut up.
Eragon: Oh, yeah? Make me.
Pickle Commando #21: I said [slaps Eragon across the face] SHUT UP!
Eragon: [very quietly] Kay.
Izzy (speaking mentally to Eragon): I know where we're going.
Eragon: Where?
Izzy: Our deaths.
Eragon: [groans mentally] Can you stop with the emo-ness?
Izzy: No. My being emo is an inevitable side effect of living so long...and seeing so much...[images come across their link: blood, gore, and war are foremost among them]
Eragon: [shudders] Okay, I can kinda understand that...
Back with Wolf and Sunda...
Wolf: Oh, no.
Sunda: What?
Wolf: Smell that?
Sunda: [sniffs the air] Nope. I'm not a wolf, remember?
Wolf: Oh, yeah. Anyway, we're getting close to the Chasm of Death. Very close.
Sunda: Oh, no.
Wolf: That's what I said!
Sunda: [smiles slightly] I know, I know. Copycat. What're we gonna do?
Wolf: I don't...Hey!
Sunda: What?
Wolf: Can you go shadow?
Sunda: I dunno...maybe. I'll try. [tilts her head back and closes her eyes]
[A full minute later...]
Wolf: I don't think it's working.
Sunda: [opens her eyes and lowers her head, breathing heavily] No. No, it's not.
Wolf: But why not? You were fine in chapter five!
Sunda: Yeah, but that was before SOMEONE broke my keyboard.
Wolf: Oops...
Sunda: Hey, you didn't know this would happen.
Wolf: True...
Sunda: So, did anything happen?
Wolf: Well, you do look a little more transparent.
Sunda: That's not a good thing.
Wolf: Why not?
Sunda: Because when I go shadow, I'm not actually transparent. I'm a shadow - pure darkness. So if I'm growing transparent...
Wolf: It means your power is weakening further.
Sunda: [nods]
Wolf: Crap. Well, since you can't go shadow, can you draw something that can eat through the ropes?
Sunda: But that won't help us get out of the Chasm – which I definitely smell now [wrinkles her nose] – unless...maybe...[works her hands in front of her and begins sketching furiously with the bunny pencil]
Wolf: [peering over Sunda's shoulder] Is that...a rabbit?
Sunda: [distantly] Not exactly. Shut up.
Wolf: [sits back and does so]
Sunda: [triumphantly] Hah! [mutters something in the Ancient Language]
Wolf: What did you...[trails off as a small winged – something – the color of the cart's wood rises out of said wood]
Sunda: [happily] Wolf, meet our ticket out of here.
Wolf: What...is that?
Sunda: It's a winged jackalope! You know, a jackrabbit with deer antlers. Except this one has wings. He's only temporary, though, so [she turns to address the jackalope] Steve, get to work!
Steve the Jackalope: [starts gnawing Wolf's ropes off]
Wolf: Steve? Seriously?
Sunda: [shoots Wolf a look] Well, I wasn't about to call him Jack.
Wolf: Good point. [Steve finishes on his ropes, and he (Wolf) rubs his wrists as Steve begins work on Sunda's ropes] But, names aside, how is he going to help us get out of the Chasm?
Sunda: He's magical.
Wolf: ...And?
Sunda: [rolls her eyes] And that will give him the strength to lift us out of the Chasm of Death. [Steve finishes her ropes and she rubs her wrists] Jeesh, could they have made those a little tighter? I think my hands still have a little bit of blood in them.
Wolf: Are you always like this?
Sunda: Like what?
Wolf: Sarcastic.
Sunda: Pretty much, yeah.
Wolf: Ah.
[The cart stops. Wolf and Sunda make it look like their hands are still tied behind their backs as a pickle commando steps in front of the cart]
Pickle Commando #11: Alright, get out.
Wolf: Why?
Pickle Commando #11: [casually throws a knife that misses Wolf's neck by a hair, and actually brushes his fur] Get out.
Wolf: [gulps and complies, Sunda right behind him. Steve is invisibly following them]
Sunda: Where's your leader?
Pickle Commando #11: That's none of your business, girlie.
Sunda: [scowls ferociously]
Wolf: Um, sir, I'd apologize if I were you...
Pickle Commando #11: [snorts] Or what?
Sunda: [leaps on the commando and beats him senseless – while still maintaining the façade of being tied up]
Wolf: [whispering] Or that.
Sunda: That's for nearly killing Wolf, too!
[Sunda and Wolf are suddenly surrounded by pickles, all bearing various weapons]
Sunda: Hey, he started it.
Cap'n P: [walks into the circle]
Wolf: Captain Pickles!
Sunda: Cap'n P?
Cap'n P: Don't call me that.
Back with the group...
[The truck stops]
Pickle Commando #21: Everybody out!
Will: Why?
Pickle Commando #21: [slaps Will across the face] Because I said. Now OUT!
[Everyone gets out]
Gilan: Where are we?
Arya: I don't know...
Angela: I do!
Halt: Care to share with the class?
Angela: We're in a giant torture chamber!
[And she's right; they are in a large stone room, windowless, that is stuffed full of torture devices]
Gilan: Oh.
Izzy: We're gonna die.
Gilan: Will you STOP THAT!
Back with Wolf and Sunda...
Cap'n P: [in an impressive voice – for a pickle] You two are under arrest for crimes against reality and the Crossover World. Due to the severity of said crimes, there is only one sentence that can justly be passed. [pauses dramatically] Death.
Sunda: [rolls her eyes] Somebody's been watching too much television...
Wolf: What did I do? Why are you doing this to me? I'm part of the reason for your being!
Cap'n P: [solemnly – because, really, what self-respecting backstabber would joke right now?] You, Articwolfstudios, aided and abetted Dautr abr du Sundavar in her foul schemes of Crossover World domination.
Wolf: [looks wide-eyed at Sunda]
Sunda: No! I didn't-
Cap'n P: SILENCE!
Sunda: [shuts her mouth and tries to communicate by facial expressions that she didn't try to take over squat]
Cap'n P: You, Dautr abr du Sundavar, are hereby charged with attempting to control the Crossover World. You, Articwolfstudios, are hereby charged with aiding and abetting the evil Dautr abr du Sundavar in her attempt to control the Crossover World. Due to the severe and clichéd nature of your crimes, I, Captain Pickles in 3D, hereby sentence you to death.
Wolf: [thinking] Why is he doing this? I made him! Why is he trying to kill me? Why?
Sunda: [thinking] That sure is a lot of hereby-ness...
Cap'n P: Do you have any last words?
Wolf: [bitterly] Why, Captain Pickles? Why?
Sunda: Oh, for cryin' out loud. Maybe he was right about the cliché part. But that's it! And it wasn't applicable until just now! Captain Pickles, we're innocent, I swear!
Captain Pickles: Uh-huh. Right. [to his pickle commandos] Toss them into the Chasm!
Pickle Commandos #1-20 (except for #11, who is still unconscious): Yes, sir! [they toss Wolf and Sunda into a rather large, very smelly crack in the ground. No giggling!]
Steve (who is now visible): [flies to the rescue]
Sunda: Grab an antler and hang on! [grabs an antler]
Wolf: [also grabs an antler] Um, Sunda?
Sunda: Yes?
Wolf: Is it my imagination, or are we falling faster?
Sunda: [eyes widen] [curses colorfully] It's not your imagination.
Wolf: [is rubbing his (very red) ear with his free hand] I kind of figured...
Sunda: Now what?
Wolf: I don't know.
Sunda: What? You're the one who swallowed the freakin' M&M pen! Do something with it!
Wolf: Well...
Sunda: What?
Wolf: I've never tried before. I don't know how.
Sunda: Well, now would be a good time to figure it out, 'cause I can see the bottom.
Wolf: [swears]
A/N: Yes, I am evil and giving you a cliffie there. I'm just that way. *smiles angelically*
Yes, I know that this wasn't as funny as the others. Personally, I think that a little bit of serious helps to tamp down on "funny overload." Meaning that some serious helps one to not become...desensitized...to the funny. Mmkay? And I wasn't sure how to make this chapter blatantly funny. xD
And, guys, could you do something for me? Check out Wolf's profile. His full pen name is Articwolfstudios, and he has another story besides this one. Plus, it would be kind of you to submit your reviews of the chapters he writes to his profile, you know? Thankies. :D
Your turn, Wolf! How you gonna get us outta this one? Hmm? x)
