A/N: So the idea to write this actually just came to me last night, as I was listening to "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne. It takes place three months after Rinny's death. Also, if any of you have any ideas for one shots or anything in particular you want to see, feel free to let me know, because I love writing for you all! Hope you enjoy :)
When You're Gone
Lauren's POV
July, 1996
This is the fourth night in a row I have listened to my mother cry herself to sleep, alone in her bedroom. It's almost midnight, far too late for a six year old to be awake, but I can't help it – my mind is moving at a mile a minute. It's been three months since my twin sister died, and I miss her more than I ever thought it was possible to miss someone. I feel like half of me is missing – my better half – and no matter what I do, nothing will ever bring that half back.
Rinny's death has taken a toll on my parents too. Mom didn't go back to work for two months, and I don't really understand what this means yet, but apparently she is taking time away from being a baby surgeon and instead taking on a genetics fellowship…or so she told me. Daddy has been working constantly, trying to fill the void that is his precious daughter.
That's where my father is now, at the hospital, probably fixing somebody's brain. That's what he tells me he does, anyway. There's always somebody's brain that needs fixing, except now, I haven't seen Daddy in almost five days, and I miss him more than I thought was possible too.
I wonder if he misses me too.
I sit on the edge of my bed, hugging Winston the bear against my chest and wiping my tears. Looking to my left, I see the bed that Rinny slept in, still left untouched by anyone; it looks the same as it did the day that she was killed, and I dare not mess with it. I'm afraid if I touch it, that will be it. My sister will never be back to fix it the way that she wants, and the thought of that alone terrifies me.
Quietly, I get up and walk into the bathroom next to my bedroom. I used to be scared of having to get up to go in the middle of the night because the hallway was dark and of course, I had no idea of what lay underneath my bed. But tonight I go with ease; I don't think anything really scares me anymore, since I realized my worst fear would be to live without Rinny, and I'm already being forced to do that.
My hands smell like sweet pea as I leave the bathroom, adjusting Winston's night gown Grandma Carolyn made for him so that it's not riding up. I turn to head back into my bedroom, but then stop at the door when I hear Mom still crying. I really wish I could do something for her to make it better.
Turning around to walk down the hall toward my parents' bedroom, my bare feet pad against the carpet. Everything is completely dark around me, so even if Daddy did come home tonight, it would be clear that no one waited up for him. I push the door open an inch and stick my eyeball against the crack. Mom is tossing and turning in bed. Slowly, I open the door further, until I'm standing full inside. I expect Mom to wake up and ask me what I'm doing in there, or not want me in there because she doesn't want me to see her like this, but she doesn't say anything. I didn't think it was possible to cry in your sleep, but my own mother is currently proving me wrong.
Setting Winston down on the floor next to the nightstand, I kneel at the edge of Mom's bed, placing a hand on her cheek to calm her. There's just enough room, so after a minute I crawl in beside her, snuggling up with my face close to hers. I kiss her nose, and then rub my own against it, like she used to do to my sister. "Eskimo kisses," they called it, and it was their special thing. I just want Mom to have good dreams about Rinny now, even if I have to be the one to give her the kisses.
"You sleep now, Mommy," I whisper.
Subconsciously, she wraps her arms tightly around me, squeezing me like a teddy bear.
"Rinny," she mumbles. "Came back…"
In her sleeping state, she thinks I am the child she lost. I take a deep breath, my head now trapped against her chest.
"Mommy," I whisper again. "It…it is me. It's Rinny."
Her name tastes like pennies in my mouth and makes me want to cry all over again, I miss her so much.
"My sweet baby girl…"
She mutters and rolls over, but doesn't loosen her grip on me. I'm almost lying completely on top of her when she finally settles again. I listen to her heartbeat…it's racing.
"I'm here, Mommy. I'm always here." I keep whispering, so she won't hear my real voice, and after a moment I realize I'm saying out loud the words I wish Rinny would say to me now.
"Miss you…"
"I miss you too," I single tear falls from my cheek onto her pajama top – an old t-shirt of Daddy's. "Heaven has lots of toe-shoes."
I think of Rinny and her obsession with ballet. I dread Christmas this year, when the Nutcracker rolls around again and I'll know…my sister could have, would have, been in it.
"Love you…" Mom's voice is getting quieter now, like she's finally settling into a decent sleep.
"I love you too; you're the best Mommy in the world." These aren't just Rinny's words anymore. "I'm not gonna leave you," I nuzzle my nose into the cotton of her shirt.
"Love," Mom whispers one more time before falling asleep completely.
"Please don't be sad anymore, Mommy. And save lots of babies."
"My baby…" her head falls to the side in slumber.
"I'm always here."
Still lying on top of Mom, her arms wrap so tight around me I fear I won't be able to breathe soon. She doesn't want to let Rinny go. But all I want to do right now is cry; I wish Rinny were still here to tell me all of those things I said. I just want my parents to feel better, and my family, and then me, too.
A lump forms in my throat as I lie there awake in silence. Aside from the occasional car driving by outside, I hear nothing except for the chime of the grandfather clock downstairs – it's twelve thirty. And as much as I want to continue to lie here with Mom, I can feel my chest get heavier the more it hits me the fact that she thinks I'm Rinny. I'm not going to lie…sometimes I really wish I was, because no matter how many times my parents tell me how glad they are that I survived, it hurts that I can't do anything to bring her back to them. So if I could sacrifice myself to bring her back, I would.
And then I realize that probably no other six year old in the greater New York state even has any of these thoughts. Why I have to be special, I have no idea.
When it gets to be too much, I wriggle myself out of Mom's grasp and she stirs again. Grabbing Winston, I tip-toe as quietly as I can out of her room before she can wake up and see me. I am too antsy to go back to my room, so as soon as I reach the hallway, I run downstairs with tears streaming down my face. I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but I have to do something. I trip on the bottom step from moving so fast and stick my arms out to catch myself, dropping Winston and wincing when my left arm hits; I only just got my cast off a couple of weeks ago.
I pull myself up into a sitting position on my knees, apologizing to Winston for dropping him and then kissing his head. Looking up through my watery eyes, I make out a male figure sleeping on the couch in the living room. Thinking it's Daddy, I quickly stand up and run over to him. Except it's not my father, it's Uncle Mark. He must have come over here after I was put to bed four hours ago, because I don't remember seeing him earlier. Probably to talk with Mom.
Suddenly, I'm so angry that it's not my dad, even though he's sleeping on the couch. I'm angry that even though my sister died, Daddy can't come home, at least to be with me. I'm angry that being home hurts him. I'm angry that Rinny left us. Before I can stop myself, a loud wail comes from my mouth as I stand in front of Uncle Mark, who immediately wakes up with a start.
"Laurie, Laurie what's wrong?" He sits up, wearing only a white t-shirt and boxers.
But I just keep crying, choking on sobs.
"Come here, kiddo," he holds out his arms to me and I fall into them.
"Why can't you be Daddy?" I cry, for once not caring if I make someone feel bad. "I want my Daddy!"
"I know you do, sweetheart," he hold me tight on his lap. Normally he's not big into kids, but Rinny and I had always been exceptions. "And I'll bet you he wishes he could be right here with you too."
"No he doesn't!" I choke. "If he wanted to be home he would be home!"
"Laurie," he says my name quietly, to calm me down. "You know he always wishes he could be with you, but sometimes he can't because he has to save someone's life."
"But…but he hasn't been home for so long, and he hasn't tucked me in like he used to, and…and Mommy's always crying…" I lean against his chest.
"I think Mommy just misses your sister. She misses your sister a lot."
"I know," I sigh. "She was crying tonight and…and I could hear her." After crying so hard, I'm having trouble catching my breath. Uncle Mark leans back against the couch cushion, holding me tight.
"I…I went in her room because I just, I just wanted her to sleep but when I told her to sleep she didn't know it was m-me, she thought I was…"
I start crying again and Uncle Mark shushes me, already knowing what I was going to say.
"I didn't want to tell her I wasn't…I wish I could bring her back!" I sob. "Why can't I bring her back?"
"I wish I could bring her back too, kiddo, but we can't. She's-"
"I know she's in heaven! Daddy told me she was in heaven…but I want her back!"
"Shh, Laurie," he pats my back lightly to steady my breathing.
"I'm tired, Uncle Mark," I cry.
"It'll get better, I promise. Did I ever tell you about when I was a little kid?"
"N-no," I sniff.
"Well, when I was your age, my parents…they weren't around very much. I was left with a nanny most of the time, until I got a little older and met your dad. Your grandma and grandpa and dad and aunts, they took care of me. They became like my real family, like the one you get to grow up in. But until then, I was alone, and like you, I was afraid it was never going to get any better. I was afraid I would be alone forever, and that no one would really want me, or love me.
"What I'm saying is, I know you miss Rinny right now, sweetheart, and the truth is you will probably always miss her in some way. But one day, you'll find that you can think about it, and it won't hurt so much, and you won't feel so alone."
"Really?" I whisper against his chest.
"It'll take some time, but you'll be okay, Laurie. And your mommy will be okay too."
"And Daddy will come home?"
"And Daddy will come home. But Laurie, you need to know too that your mommy loves you very much; she loves more than anything in the world. I think it's just hard for her to see you without your little partner in crime right now." He gives a small smile.
"Okay," I nod.
"Laurie, has your Uncle Mark ever lied to you?"
"No," I smile after a little hesitation.
"Good, now that that's settled, why don't we get you back up to bed?"
I just nod again, and he picks me up, carrying me upstairs to my bedroom.
"You're a really good kid, you know that Laurie?" He sits on the edge of my bed after tucking me in.
"Thank you for being here, Uncle Mark," I reach up to hug him.
"I'm always here for you, kiddo. Now try to get some sleep." He kisses my forehead and leaves the room.
Two hours later, I'm still awake. I'm starting to think I'm never going to sleep again, even though Mom's crying has stopped and the house is quiet. Daddy still isn't here.
Before I can think any further, I shut my door and flip on the light. I pull on a pair of pants, long sleeved shirt, and jacket. Even though it's summer, it'll be chilly outside. Slipping on a pair of shoes, I grab a bag and place Winston inside, after taking off his night gown of course, leaving his head sticking out so he could breathe.
I pick up the picture of Daddy and me on the nightstand. "If you're not gonna come home from the hospital Daddy, then I'm gonna go find you."
Flipping my light off, I tip-toe again through the upstairs of the brownstone. Looking down from the top, I can see the front door, and now that I'm venturing out alone for the first time in my life, it looks so much larger and more ominous.
I take the stairs one at a time, trying not to admit to myself that I'm scared. Making sure that Uncle Mark is asleep again, I shakily walk across the foyer to the door. Unlocking the deadbolt, my hands start to sweat. I want to go see Daddy, but can I really get there by myself in the middle of the night? I don't even know how to get to the hospital.
I lean my forehead against the door, breathing heavily. I want to go, but I can't because no matter how much I wish I wasn't, I am scared. I can't go out there alone, and if Mom woke up and I was gone, she would panic, and I couldn't do that to her. Not after Rinny.
I want to scream and pound my fists against the door, but instead I relock the deadbolt, and run back upstairs. Slamming my door, I kick off my shoes, take the bag off, and throw myself onto my bed, punching my pillow. It's true that Uncle Mark could be right, that this won't last forever, but right now it's just awful. I don't want to "get through it," and I am so tired of being sad.
I just want my sister back.
Reviews are warmly welcomed :)
