Author's Note- I suddenly had this urge to go on a crazy writing spree...and I have no idea why. It may be because I'm happy.....This is rambling, but I finally got my hair re-dyed black! Yeah, it's been black for awhile, but my roots are turning brown again....Ugh. Well, now they're ALL THE WAY black! Yeah, just a little obsessed.....
P.S. I know I totally don't deserve them, but reviews make me feel all warm inside.
P.S.S. Read the note at the bottom of the chapter. Trust me, it's worth it. I think it is. I hope.
Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight. Or cocoa puffs.
. . .
"Stains show much more clearly on a pale surface."
. . .
Bella POV
The searing pain in my arm and the blood sluggishly coming out of it only fueled the strength and increasing speed of the knife going down, down, down, again and again, onto my pale arm.
Today was October 15. A month from when I first met Edward.
Exactly 12 years since my father died.
The cuts became deeper, more precise, just as my breathing got slower and slower, my eyelids heavier, before I just gave up and let the tears flow, let the knife sear its way into my arm as I simply sat there and cried, in a puddle of my own blood.
I didn't usually lose control this much, usually I didn't cut so deep- I just cut. But there was something about this town, something.....
It reminded me too much of Daddy.........
Edward reminded me too much of what it felt like to have something to hold onto in life.
. . .
"What were you doing in the bathroom for so long, hun?" Renee asked curiously, a mug with 'World 1# Mom' on the front that she bought for herself sitting down in front of her as she let her eyes scan the morning paper quickly. Still, her eyes were able to spair a second and look at me funny.
"Nothing much, " I lied easily, sitting down in the oak chair in front of her, but wincing when I bumped my now cleaned, but still hurting like hell- not that I was complaining in any way- arm on the edge of the table, "Just taking a bit longer than usual."
An impulse decision flitted across her face. I knew it instantly. It came every year.
"No, Mother," I said rashly, "I will not. I say no every year, when the hell will you learn I DON'T WANT TO GO AND SEE HIS GRAVE?!?!?!?!"
The door slammed forcefully, halfway off it's hinges already from the amount of times I had slammed it before though we had only lived in the dead beat town a month, and my backpack lay forgotten beside my chair in the kitchen as an idea flitted through my mind now.
. . .
"Rosalie?" I tried to make my voice as soft as possible, considering I was right in the middle of the damn parking lot at school, though I knew Rosalie wouldn't.
".God. Bella, you haven't called in forever. Oh......today.......you okay, girl? How's that hunk of man you told me about once doing?" Rose babbled on and on, and I could hear Jasper's "Mind if you shut up?" faintly in the background. It almost brought a tear to my eye. I missed my crew.
Even though Emmett and Alice were great- and Edward, incredibly sexy, I had to admit- they didn't completely fill up Rose and Jasper's place.
"He's.......fine," I didn't know how to explain him. The hospital mystery still plagued me, and though we chatted some, mostly when he- surprisingly- willingly took me home. The first time, a week ago, when Renee had seen him, she was thrilled. I told him he should have left sooner.
"Anyway," I continued, my tiny, pale hand, in blank contrast to my obviously dark colored long sleeved shirt, covered my cell phone ergently, "I have a favor to ask."
"Shoot," Rose interrupted, "Anything. Jazz and I'll even move. It's getting stuffy here without you, anyway."
"That's actually part of the favor," I admitted, "But I also need some....of the, well, you, stuff."
"Stuff?" Rosalie repeated.
"Stuff," I supplied.
"Oh," Her voice dawned in realization, "That stuff."
"I thought you quit after that scare," she accussed after seconds of silence.
"It's an emergency. Please?" I begged, "A little, at least. A shot. I don't know where they sell it here, or if they sell it or all, and I honestly need to....get away. You know, in a euphoria."
"Should I be doing this?" Rose asked, but we both laughed, knowing I would get it regardless.
Once an addict, always an addict. I didn't quit- I just went on a long hiatus to make Renee happy. I needed it now. I wouldn't fall as deep as I did last time. I couldn't.
But I could use it once or twice, without falling back in, right?
. . .
"Bella!" Alice cried out, sheer delight evident in her voice, "Fancy meeting you here!"
"......It's first period homeroom, Alice."
Alice raised a dainty black eyebrow.
"You could skip. Or die. Or be sick. They I wouldn't see you and it would be surprising to see you."
"Ignore her," A smooth voice said from behind me, "She had cocoa puffs for breakfast."
Alice pouted.
"Shut up."
"I'm sure I could, but it seems highly impossible for you."
"Hey!"
It was interesting. They were fighting as if I wasn't even there...actually, Edward usually acted like I wasn't even there, like he was uncomfortable around me, when other people were around, and it was still faintly there when we were alone, though not as evident as usual.
I would ask him about that....
I winced as the idiot Newton slapped my cut up arm in greeting. It went by unnoticed from Alice, but I was absolutely sure I saw Edward's eyes get a curious look in them when it happened, after a hostile one passed.
Oh yes, he noticed.
. . .
"Bella." Edward greeted, shutting my door and sliding into his seat.
It was routine for us. Go to our lockers, get our shit, and go to his car. I don't know how it happened, but it did. It seemed like something was on his mind today, though.
We were quiet for the whole ride, until when we were almost to my house he spoke up.
"Why did you wince, like you were hurt, when Newton barely even slapped you?" He asked, his voice calm and almost unnerving, though a bit of curiousness shone through.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I retorted defensively, "I didn't wince. I didn't even know he hit me."
"Don't lie, Bella," He said quietly, "It doesn't suit you. Tell me the truth. Why?"
"I'm not lying!" I defended myself feebly. I was already having a bad day- it was October 15 for god's sake, but this was making it even worse.
"Bella," He looked as if he were about to continue, but he pulled up to my house, and I jumped out, thankful for the halt in the conversation. I couldn't tell him. Something told me....he would be dissapointed in me, and I didn't want that.
And I had no damn idea why.
I shut the car door, but looking up, two blonde beauties- though one was male- distracted me greatly from my troubles at hand. Greatly. No, really.
"OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD ROSALIE, IS THAT YOU?!?!?!?!!?"
I thought I heard a "Watch your language, Bella," from the car before it drove off, but I could be wrong.
. . .
Author's Note- First of all, I am really really really really really sorry I haven't updated in awhile. That doesn't do much, does it? I'll just try to write chapters faster. Reviews motivate me, though. *hint hint* And I really want this story to go over the 100 mark before it's over- though it's not going to be over at least until chapter 15, or somewhere around 15 and 20. I'm not sure.
I love all of you!
And, by the way, my penname has changed. If you want, you can still call me hanabi, though.
P.S. Did anybody buy Hinder's new cd? And/or watch the Twilight spoilers on MTV? I did, but....isn't Kristen Stewart's voice way too deep to be Bella's? For the love of god, it's deeper than Robert Pattison's!
