By Sapadu
Chapter 6: Determine
de·ter·mine /dɪˈtɜrmɪn/ Pronunciation Key - [di-tur-min
–verb (used with object)
1. to settle or decide (a dispute, question, etc.) by an authoritative or conclusive decision.
2. to conclude or ascertain, as after reasoning, observation, etc.
4. to cause, affect, or control; fix or decide causally
5. to give direction or tendency to; impel.
7. Chiefly Law. to put an end to; terminate.
What was the Force, truly? Was it part of nature, the way gravity and magnetism were? Was it a law of science, such as the laws of physics and motion? Was it a theory? Was it a thesis? Was it a living being? Was it a God to the Jedi?
And what did it mean to be a Jedi, anyway? If one became a Jedi knight, was it an occupation? Were they a holy person? Was Jedi how one described a type of disorder or disease, like leper was the way one described someone with leprosy? Being a Jedi meant one believed in the Force, yes, but that belief... was it worship, or study, or a culture, or a creed? Did belief in the Force make all Jedi insane? Or wise? How did the Jedi know what was the will of the Force? Through some holy book? Through dreams? Through instinct? Or did they just SAY they knew and were making it up as they went? What did it all mean?
These are the questions that ran through Kendalina's young mind as she listened to Master Yoda's recitation of the Jedi Code.
There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force.
She was trying very desperately to listen to what Master Yoda was telling her and her fellow apprentices, but the nagging little thought wormed its way in and wouldn't leave Kendalina alone, as unpleasant thoughts tend to do when you become nervous.
Since she was learning to be a Jedi, she should learn about this soon, right? But what if she became a knight and STILL didn't know what it meant? What if NO ONE here knew the answers to her questions?
Or what if asking what it meant to be a Jedi meant she wasn't meant to be a Jedi Knight? What if once she asked one of the Jedi Masters, she got kicked out of the Jedi Temple?
And, of all things, why the HELL was it BOTHERING her so much?
Kendalina chewed on a loose strand of her hair so hard that she could feel the strands breaking and her hair getting shorter. Only when she felt a whole section of loose hairs in her mouth did she realize what she had done and spat the hair out.
And then, there was still the question of what it meant to be a Jedi
The girl chewed even harder on her brown hair. What if she lost her Jedi abilities from doubting the Force? What if she was the only one here who doubted? What if once she told somebody, they all started to hate her? She'd be all alone again, just like back home...
Kendalina chewed and chewed and chewed until Master Yoda dismissed her clan.
Kendalina didn't even notice: she just sat on the stone floor, worrying, when Master Yoda hobbled over and gave her a long look.
She didn't even bother pretending as though she could see him. Yoda prodded her with his walking stick and Kendalina jumped.
"Stayed behind for a reason, have you, Padawan Orewahime?" Yoda asked when Kendalina focused enough that she could "See" and then, she nodded, while a little part of her mind wondered how he remembered all the names of the padawans, or if he just remembered her because of how much trouble she gave them.
"Master Yoda... what is a Jedi? I mean... I know that Jedi are the guardians of peace and believers in the Force... but is it a job? Is it a religion? Are the Jedi part of a culture or creed that believes in the Force? And what is the Force, in it's material sense? Is it a law of science or nature? Is it a God that the Jedi worship? Is it a theory or a thesis? I don't understand about that." Kendalina explained, gazing at him, with bright, but dulled gray eyes.
Yoda raised his eyebrows and ears.
Such a question, he had never heard.
"Well... that would be telling, wouldn't it?" Even Piell had entered the room. He would be teaching the next class and felt need to set up first.
Yoda gave him a disapproving glance, to which Piell bowed and kept silent.
"Oh... because Triclops didn't understand, so he asked me, but I didn't know, so I'm confused." Kendalina said, blushing.
"Ah, but keep asking questions: it sharpens the mind." Yoda said, nodding.
"But what use is asking questions if no one answers them?" Kendalina asked. Yoda chuckled, then motioned her to follow him.
"With me, will you walk?" He asked, as the gray-eyed girl stood up to follow. Yoda and Kendalina left the room and walked down the hall towards the dormitories.
"The position of the Jedi is whatever you make it to be. For me, as a teacher, and a protector it is. Master Piell... a Jedi is he, for his family. All Jedi, were they, but all killed, before ever to be Masters." Yoda said, in a hushed tone.
"Oh." Kendalina said, vaguely, as though hit by this new information, "Being a Jedi must be a lonely life for the Jedi Masters."
"Ah, but reason, it has given him. A memorial, Jedi is for him. If choose to use the Force as worship, you do, then religion it is to you. If wish it to be anything other, do you, than it shall be." Yoda continued.
Kendalina stared. She'd never thought about that idea, which made her feel incredibly foolish.
But... was she in trouble now? There had to be a catch.
"Why are you a Jedi, little one?" Yoda asked. Aah, THERE was the catch!
Kendalina thought. Why DID she want to be a Jedi so badly? Because she wanted to prove to her father that she COULD be useful? Because she wished to protect the world she lived in? Because she wished to protect innocent people who didn't deserve to be hurt? Because she wanted to be strong, instead of 'little one'? She didn't know.
"Do I need to have a reason, now?" Kendalina asked, staring at her shoes. Yoda shook his head.
"Better if you do not. Taking time is more important than knowledge, sometimes." Yoda advised, grinning, "And, Master Retaw, you should ask. A very good reason, she has."
Kendalina stared after the tiny Jedi Master as he hobbled down the hallway, leaving her there in her tracks. Then, she turned and went to search for her Mentor.
Triclops didn't like being alone.
Nor was he particularly fond of wandering without purpose. Back home, when he'd done that, he was usually caught and put to some task, none of which were pleasant.
Then, he always felt lazy if he had nowhere to go, nothing to do.
A whole year of being trapped into that room, with nothing to do except eat, sleep, and breathe, had not cured him of this need to be always working until he was frayed to the bone and thus with an excuse to sleep.
He met a boy, taller and bigger than him, who wore the same thing as Kendalina did. Maybe he could give Triclops instructions.
Triclops tugged on his sleeve. The boy looked in his direction.
And then, began to scream and pull away.
Megan Retaw knew, by policy if nothing else, that the Jedi were advised to meditate.
Normally, every morning, the Masters and Knights of the temple would meditate for an hour or so after breakfast, the teaching Jedi squeezing in their meditation at night, about peace, life, and the Force.
Megan got extremely bored with this meditation after a few minutes, mostly because almost everything she meditated about, except the Force, was all crap.
In this day and age of politics, science, war, and corruption, there was no such thing as peace and nobody held any regard for life- people killed each other on a whim, just because it suited their purpose.
Unfortunately, Megan found that meditation did hone her skills, so she was forced to meditate on other things.
Such as how much her life sucked.
It wasn't a very cheerful task, but then, the other Masters and Jedi never were that happy, themselves- something Megan didn't need the Force to tell her- so it was only fitting she be miserable as well.
Megan was starting to get to when she was five years old, when there was a knock on the door. Megan's meditation ended quite abruptly.
It was Kendalina.
Megan always knew because only Kendalina had to knock. For some reason, none of them could sense her when she was coming, unless they were specifically feeling for a living being coming towards them.
"Come in." Megan said. Kendalina opened the door, peeked inside, and finally stepped in, shutting the door behind her.
"So, Kendalina, what brings you here?" Megan asked, looking at Kendalina through the miniature mirror on her desk- Why were there mirrors in the room, if the Jedi weren't supposed to be vain? Perhaps so they could maintain a neat, professional appearance for political conferences?
"I just saw Master Yoda because I was confused about what it meant to be a Jedi Knight... You know: if being a Jedi was a job, or a religion, or something else... and he told me that the position of a Jedi Knight is whatever we make it. Then he asked me to ask you why YOU were a Jedi." Kendalina explained, shuffling her feet.
Megan's didn't respond.
So... Kendalina was here because Master Yoda had TOLD her to come... but she had come to see Megan...
And... Kendalina wanted to know why SHE was a Jedi...
"I became a Jedi... to meet someone. I wanted a chance to meet this person... because they would help me grow... and help me change." Megan said, with solemnity. Kendalina blinked at her.
"You wanted to meet this person?" Kendalina asked.
Megan nodded, keeping a perfect mask over her face.
"Master Yoda knows this, too?" Kendalina pressed. Megan allowed herself a small smile.
"I have a feeling that Master Yoda knows, more or less, everything that goes on in this Temple. It wouldn't surprise me if he even knew about YOUR little secret." She said, adding the teasing tone at the end of it.
Kendalina went red.
"Hey, I'm not the only girl here who's an early bloomer! What about that one girl- I don't know her name but she's a Bith, I know that- she's only five and has bigger boobs than even Master Billaba has!"
Megan made a face and outright stared at Kendalina. That certainly hadn't been what she'd been referring to...
"I think YOU need to go to your lesson with Master Yaddle." She told Kendalina firmly, shifting uncomfortably, and giving Kendalina's little chest a glance- indeed, she could see something causing wrinkles in her tunic shirt, which only injured her own pride that even her PADAWAN had breasts bigger than her own. Kendalina stuck out her fat lower lip, but did as she was told.
Megan sat on the floor a little longer.
Someday she'd tell Kendalina the truth about herself. Someday, Kendalina would be a woman, not a girl. Someday, she'd have to grow-up, face life, and stand on her own two feet...
Someday... but not today...
Triclops found Kendalina in a different room than she'd been in a few moments ago. Or, at least, what felt like a few moments ago. She was alone with the other Master who looked like Master Yoda, but Triclops didn't care. With a sense of urgency, he grabbed her sleeve and pulled her to her feet, ushering her to come out the door with him.
"Triclops! What's wrong?" Kendalina protested, pulling against him, slightly, but not so much that it actually stopped him from effectively towing her towards the floor he'd left.
"This is important! Please, Kendalina, you have to help me with this!" He insisted, still pulling her, up several floors before arriving.
The body of the boy he'd asked for instructions was face down on the floor. His arms were splayed around him and his legs bent under themselves and only slightly to the side. What really alarmed Triclops was that he hadn't moved at all since he'd left. Kendalina skidded to a stop, no longer needing Triclops to pull her along, as the three-eyed boy pointed at the person on the floor.
"What happened here?" A voice called, and Kendalina turned to see that Masters Yaddle and Windu had followed her and Triclops, and, following them, had been other padawans and Knights who'd wondered what the commotion was about. Triclops didn't answer very intelligently, as all he did was point and stammer. Kendalina pulled him away so that Master Windu could examine the student, shaking him slightly to try and calm him down.
"I do not know why... he just... I did not... it was just..." Triclops kept stammering, his hands shaking and his eyes wide with dilated pupils.
Master Windu stood with a grim expression as two other Masters appeared, one with a knight and her apprentice, the other alone.
"He's dead." Master Windu proclaimed, giving Triclops a look which the boy didn't catch, "Someone strangled him." Kendalina, however, DID catch the look.
And Triclops was starting to scream.
Kendalina wasn't alarmed by that so much as the voices she heard coming from everyone, who was staring at him, now. Accusatory, angry, hateful voices...
(( I wonder if he would extinguish us, too ))
(( Such a scary little thing ))
(( He murdered someone ))
(( Monster ))
(( He is an ogre and shall eat us all and tear us to pieces ))
(( The tortures of hell would be too good for him ))
(( If only killing him could restore who he murdered ))
(( Ugly wretch ))
Kendalina was afraid- she knew that much- not of these voices, as she was so used to hearing voices that were not spoken, but from the fiendish, hideous thoughts they betrayed. And, similarly, while she was confused, she also, somehow, understood.
She was confused to how they could think those terrible things. Was it not as clear to them as it was to her what had happened- Triclops obviously couldn't have MEANT for this to happen, and was no murderer. A killer, perhaps, but not a murderer. And how came this 'Ugly'? He was miserable, and that was easily cured enough, but he wasn't UGLY...
Kendalina was sorely tempted to simply stand between the crowd surrounding them and Triclops with her arms spread. But... she knew better.
"Triclops... Triclops... Triclops..." She chanted, shaking his shoulders, as Triclops continued to scream. The thoughts the others had were getting heavier, and more poisonous. Smoke seemed to be coming from their noses and mouths as they exhaled, and Kendalina wanted to put a hand over her mouth to keep from breathing the foul stuff. A pressing sense of urgency made her shaking a bit more harsh, her shouts of Triclops's name a little louder in an attempt to overcome his scream as more Jedi came to see what the disturbance in the Force was.
They were going to take him away and lock him in that room again. Kendalina knew it. And this time, she would be allowed no where near it, not even in passing.
"TRICLOPS, STOP SCREAMING, DAMMIT!" She finally shouted, her seven-year-old voice shrill and sharp. It cut through the smoke and the voices and Triclops's scream, killing all three and leaving the air clear. Kendalina supposed that it hadn't been wise of her to use such vocabulary, but it had certainly been shocking enough that it had done the job.
What was so sad was that they cared more that she'd just said a swear word, at seven years of age, with so many people around, and being a Jedi padawan, than that Triclops had been screaming in utter terror and sympathy a moment ago.
"Now..." Kendalina said, a bit more calmly, "What happened? Tell everyone here." Triclops continued to stare at her for a moment, before finally swallowing hard, and beginning to speak.
"Well... You... told me to go explore... and I did not know where to go... or what to do... so, I saw him passing by, and tugged on his sleeve..." Triclops said, pointing to the padawan, whose head was turned toward them, his eyes still open.
"Go on..." Kendalina urged him, and Triclops continued, shaking.
"He started to scream... and I did not know what to do... but I had to stop him before someone came and punished him..." At this point, Kendalina gently interrupted, as Triclops seemed to be pausing, anyway.
"Who would've punished him, Trike? It's not a bad thing to scream..." Kendalina asked, frowning. Triclops looked panicked.
"THEM! THEY always come! You are not supposed to scream, or else someone outside will know THEY are there and doing things THEY do not want other people to know about! We are not supposed to scream, or else bad things happen!" Triclops shouted, sounding slightly less than sane.
Kendalina held up her hands to usher him to quiet again.
"Okay... okay... but tell us what happened." She said, trying to sound kind. If anyone were to judge by how Triclops calmed and continued, she was doing a good job.
"...I tried to stop him from screaming... I kept waving my hands at him and telling to stop... but he kept looking away... and did not listen to me... and I did not know what to do..." Triclops explained, meekly staring at the floor, "But... I had seen... THEM do this..." Triclops put his hands around his own neck, "And it had always made people quiet... so I tried... and then... he stopped screaming, but he fell over... and would not move... so..." Triclops swallowed, but didn't continue. Everyone else could guess what had happened after that.
"Oh..." Kendalina said, quietly. Triclops looked up at her, and there was some rabid look in his eyes of horror.
"I did something bad, did I not?" He asked, in a choked voice. All the Masters present gave him a scornfull look, but Kendalina, frowning, thought for a moment, before she shook her head.
"No, Trike. You didn't do something bad." She said, calmly. Triclops stared at her with wide eyes, but seemed to accept this enough that he stopped shaking.
"Padawan Orewahime, he's murdered somebody- this is not a light situation." Master Windu interjected, and while Kendalina would have agreed normally, she felt... angry... at his blunt analysis.
"No, he DIDN'T! Triclops hasn't murdered anybody anymore than... than I have!" She argued, turning around, and slightly aware that the image of a spoiled, bratty kid would only be complete if she stomped her foot. Triclops tapped her shoulder.
"Kendalina, what is 'murder'?" He asked. Kendalina looked back at him.
"It's a very bad thing Triclops. It's when you kill somebody because you want them dead. When you do it on purpose. That's not what you did." Kendalina said, giving Master Windu a sidelong glare, but mostly keeping her attention on Triclops.
"... So... I KILLED someone?" Triclops asked, pupils dilating again. Kendalina shifted, but nodded, not willing to lie.
"...O...Oh..." Was all he said. Master Windu looked between the two, the body on the floor, and then made a gesture with his hand to dismiss the other Masters and their padawans.
"Master Windu talked with me about it." Master Retaw said, re-entering the room where Kendalina had been letting Triclops sleep. Kendalina was sitting on the mattress with Triclops, silently keeping him company.
"And what did he say?" She asked, trying to be as calm and understanding as possible. Master Retaw looked at Triclops, to be sure he was listening before she spoke.
"We came to an agreement. I told him to let you go for a week and then the Council will judge the evidence that observation brings." She said, closing the door and leaning against it.
"Evidence?" Triclops asked, numbly.
"Yes. Master Billaba persuaded most of the Council that, if Triclops had truly intended to kill the other padawan, the laws of the universe will dictate his fate." Master Retaw said, then explained, "According to the Chalactan faith, natural laws that the universe decides influence all living and non-living things within it. As such, for things such as murder, or accidental killings, the laws of the natural world will deal with them."
"In other words... The Council is going to wait to see if anything like bad karma comes back to Trike to determine if he really did mean to kill that other student..." Kendalina surmised, sounding crabby. Master Retaw nodded as Triclops curled up into a ball. Kendalina tugged on his sleeve.
"Trike? Are you okay?" She asked, looking at Triclops, who looked up at her with wide eyes.
"I am scared..." He whispered. Kendalina's own eyes widened, then narrowed, before she reached over and pulled him into a hug. Triclops started crying again, curling up against her arm and shaking.
"It's okay to be scared..." Kendalina whispered back, and she was also shaking, "...I used to be scared a lot... I was always a coward and a crybaby back home, before I came here... Kaa-Oh and Toh-Ma were always yelling at me and I never really knew how to take care of myself if something bad happened."
Master Retaw's eyes dimmed a little as she watched the two interact.
"...But... whenever things got too bad... or too scary... Master Retaw always let me run to her... and she tried to teach me to be brave... and because she always seemed like she wasn't afraid of anyone... like nobody could touch her and make her fear them... I wanted to become strong like that, too..." Kendalina's voice was shaking and Triclops felt her hand clench in the shirt he was wearing.
Triclops' whimpering subsided.
"...Then... when the day came that Master Retaw decided it was time for me to leave home... I got scared again... because Toh-Ma had said he'd kill me and Master Retaw if we tried to leave..." Kendalina took a loud breath in through her nose, but kept talking, "...And Master Retaw told me... she told me..."
"It's okay to be afraid, sometimes..." Master Retaw interjected, softly. Triclops wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt, blinking blearily up at the woman, whose former animosity towards him seemed to have dissipated, "...Because, our fear is a way of protecting us from our own carelessness... we fear things because, otherwise, we would be reckless... and put ourselves in danger. So, sometimes, it's okay to be afraid. Even for a Jedi."
Kendalina blinked up at her teacher with surprise, before Master Retaw patted their heads, very much like a parent with her two bratty children.
"The two of you stay put- I'll go speak with Master Windu and Master Yoda a little further about this."
Triclops and Kendalina stared after her as she left the room, before Kendalina gave Triclops a squeeze.
"Don't worry..." She grinned, with a rather frightening determined frown, "Even if the Council tries anything... They're not getting you out of my sight."
Kendalina was smiling.
