Chapter 6: Dandelions
How could he do this to me? First he kisses someone else…and then now he says that he won't leave me. I held on to that paper as if my life depended on it. Whatever happens, a part of me already has forgiven Edward. Or maybe I have already forgiven Edward…maybe I just refused to acknowledge it.
No. I can't forgive him. He should have at least tried to push her off. Maybe I've already been resigned to the fact that he does not love me anymore, the fact that I was just temporary for him. The fact that Louisa was the reason he refused to change me. The reason why he was so decided against changing me was because he already had someone whom he'll share his eternity with.
And for certain, that someone is not me.
Fresh batch of tears came once more. I can't seem to stop crying these days. And every time I see him, my heart seems to break into tinier pieces.
Making it much harder to mend.
I decided to get downstairs and cook Charlie some dinner so that he wouldn't notice that I was most definitely bawling my eyes out. He'd probably heard what happened with Edward. In this town where parents knew their kid's dances, I wouldn't be surprised.
I just cooked whatever popped into my mind first. Mac and cheese. I started preparing the ingredients while I was thinking about Edward. I was cooking the food while I was thinking about Edward. If there's one thing I'm good at besides crying…it's thinking about Edward.
I guess everything just seems so…surreal now. As if my whole relationship with Edward was nothing but a vivid dream. But I had proof that it wasn't. I have the scars on my wrist as proof. If I look into the mirror and see my tear stained face, that's proof. And if I go out and find the meadow still existing, that is proof.
I finally finished what I was cooking and wrote a note for Charlie that he just needs t heat it and that I already ate and I need some rest and then I went up.
I sat on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest, thinking about what had transpired in the past days. Everything just seems to happen to fast now. I can still remember our first time at the meadow…
"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
I can still recall the exact scene when he'd said that. The intensity of the emotions that are hidden in his eyes, the palpable restraints he had not to kill me, the control he had not to go farther than what was safe.
Now I feel that I am nothing at all to him. I don't matter anymore. I'm just a paragraph in his stupid book of life.
I fixed my alarm clock and then lied down; figuring that the best way to fall asleep is by thinking.
I started to think of the resolution I planned on my way home.
And then I finally fell asleep.
0-0-0
I woke up in the sound of my alarm clock, since there was no him to wake me up every morning anymore. Probably busy having a make out session with Louisa every fifteen minutes.
I will start on a habit, never mentioning his name.
When someone asks me where Edward is…
I'll answer them back, Edward who?
He's gone from my life.
He doesn't exist anymore.
Or at least I slowly try to pretend.
All the things that he'd given, all his pictures and everything that reminds me of him…will be…
Gone.
Trashed.
Burned.
Torn.
Thrown.
Buried.
Hidden.
Destroyed.
Forgotten.
I know it's cruel but what he did to me was cruel too. And if I want to move on and forget…I just have to do it. Never in my imagination had I pictured this day coming. He said that he loved me very much. All those things that he said about where his affections lay and his love for me made me think that this situation that I am in right now is unfathomable. Now…look what it made me. Look where it got me.
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. After all…I am only human and Edward…he's…perfect. That's why he'd pick Louisa over me any day. It's because she's perfect…and I'm a human with faults. I'm clumsy. I'm not beautiful. I'm not a vampire like him. I'm not perfect.
I finally stand up from the bed and slowly made my way towards the bathroom. I tried to hold my breath as I shampooed my hair. The strawberry scent of my shampoo painfully reminds of how much he loved the scent of my hair. But I'm no vampire. I can't indefinitely hold my breath like they can so I had to breathe. As the smell of my shampoo hit my nose, I began to cry. It was too much. The painful wave of nostalgia with my days with him hit me like a… like a…baseball bat hits the baseball.
Okay…now that I thought about it…my nostalgia analogy sucked. But hey…when your heart's broken and all you ever do is cry and think about that person…why bother think about proper analogies?
I finally finished showering and now rushed into my room to pick what clothes to wear. I decided that being a bit daring with my choice of apparel wouldn't really matter to him and his family.
So I opened my new dresser, now filled with more clothes, courtesy of the shopping therapy with Angela, Lauren and Jessica.
I chose a black sleeveless top, the dark washed skinny jeans that Lauren insisted I buy and black ballet flats. Heels are out of the question because during one of the days where I was in utmost unproductivity, I made an equation.
Bella plus heels equals fracture and or concussion equals hospital and or death.
So unless I practice my walking and not trip for about 50 meters then I can wear heels. I think.
After I blow dried my hair, leaving it shiny, voluminous and perfectly wavy, I tied it in a half ponytail.
After one quick glance in the mirror, I deemed myself decent, I went down to eat breakfast. And when I finally reached the kitchen, I started to hyperventilate.
There, in our dining table…is a fully prepared breakfast: ham, bacon, sunny side up egg, rice and orange juice. I already knew who it was. I sat down on my usual seat at the dinner table, everything was fixed. The glass with the juice, the plate, the utensils. I can't help but cry.
Maybe this was his final saying way of goodbye. Since he won't be seeing anymore human moments from me, he's probably out there, watching for the final time.
I looked up and blinked furiously, trying to stop the continuous fall of the tears. But I just couldn't. I guess this was the price of naivety.
Disappointment.
Hurt.
Confusion.
Frustration.
Melancholy.
Yearning.
All of those I feel right now. Everything is just swirling it's like you want to laugh, cry, shout and jump all at the same time. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not yet reduced to insanity yet. Maybe because of that small part of me that clings to the hope that Edward still loves me is keeping me intact.
I finally finish eating in between the crying, contemplation and sniffing. I dump the dishes in the sink so I can wash them later. I got the keys of my truck hanging from a hook by the door and started to walk towards my truck but I trip and fell. I sighed. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time.
Disappointed because there was no one to catch me.
Relieved because he wasn't there to catch me.
All these emotions come to me all at the same time; sometimes I don't know what to feel anymore. My mind is so confused that I want to shout all my frustrations out. If this continues I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in a mental asylum. I think I'm becoming insane.
I drove out of the driveway and began to make my way to school. My driving speed's only 20, I wanted to take as long as possible.
The thought of seeing him and her together makes me want to break down and cry. But hey, at least even for a short while, I felt loved, even though it wasn't real.
I finally see the Forks High School in view and sighed. I changed parking spot, specifically farther from a certain silver Volvo. I'm now parking on the direction that's completely opposite to where I used to park beside them. I get out of my truck and walk towards my locker.
I saw Angela by the parking lot so I decided to go to her.
"Hey Ang." I try to say nonchalantly.
"Hey Bella!" She greets me cheerfully. "Nice outfit today!" She added.
I looked down in embarrassment. "Thanks. I guess this was a little too much for me."
"No! You look absolutely brilliant!" She beamed at me. "Jess and Lauren would be proud!"I smiled at her.
As soon as I reached my locker I waved at her and began to punch in the combination. As she went to our first period to save me a seat beside her and Jess Inside my locker there was a sealed envelope. And in the back it said, Bella. It was a script I knew and grew to love. It was from him. I picked up the envelope and shoved it in my bag. I don't think I can bear to open and see what's inside. I closed the locker and began to walk to my first class, Trig. As I passed by the hallway, I heard whistles and comments of appreciation from everyone.
"Looking good Bella!"
"Wanna go out with me?!"
"Cullen is missing out on a LOT!"
I look down in embarrassment. Thinking that this really was a bad idea. I continue to look down until I reach the classroom. I share this classroom with him and his other sister, Alice, but luckily I also share this class with Angela and Jessica.
"Bella!" Jessica called to me. Angela was already sitting down right beside her.
"Here, we saved you a seat." Angela told me , point to a seat near Jessica and by the wall.
"Thanks guys. Really." I smiled at them appreciatively.
"Congratulation Bella!" Jessica gave me a very, very smug look.
"What? I didn't win anything." I grin.
"You are totally gorgeous in that outfit. Well it seems that you learned something from our shopping. Maybe we should go out more." Her smug look was now a Cheshire cat smile.
"Oh shut up Jess! I shopped more than enough to last me for a month!" I laugh heartily, Angela and Jessica joined me. Bt all the laughter subsided when Alice and him entered the room. Alice looked at me, I smiled faintly at her. I don't hate her as much as I hate him, but she did try to cover up for him, so I guess that counts as something. But when he looked in my direction, I immediately looked to Angela and Jessica who seemed to understand what was going on.
I sigh. "It's going to be okay Bells." Angela told me. And I nodded and looked up, making the tears threatening to fall disappear. Mr. Varner already arrived and began to write today's lecture on the board. I copied what needs to be copied and tried to pay attention. It took all of my will power not to look at him or Alice.
The bell finally rang and Ang and I made our way to Bio, Jess has her electives, which was Art. I dreaded Bio. Because I get to share a table with him. It so ironic, on my first day here at Forks, he was the one who stays away from me; now, I stay away from him.
I sit down and let my hair fall to one side, like what I did before, but now for a whole different purpose. I can feel him staring at me the whole time. But I didn't budge. Right now, I just listened to Mr. Banner drawl about cell fusion. I look at Angela, who was four seats away from me and she nodded at me in sympathy.
I wish this didn't happen. If it didn't, I'd actually be staying near him, and not staying on the very tip my seat as if he's got some kind of disease.
The bell finally rang after what seemed like forever. I make my way to Angela, who nodded at me and stood up. We made our way towards the cafeteria where Jessica and Lauren were waiting for us in a table. Lauren was beaming at me.
"Very nice Bella!" Lauren said as we reached the table.
"Thanks." I mutter as I feel myself turn red.
I see Lauren look at their table and smirks.
"Cullen is staring at you." She says slyly. "Good job Bella." She winks. I smile in embarrassment knowing that they can hear every word we say and that he can read minds.
"Anyways. What's today's game plan?" Jess smiled.
"I'm going to do any pending chores." I answer.
"No girls out for today?" Angela asked.
"No for me. Maybe some other time?" I say faintly.
"Sure. From what I heard, some La Push boys are planning a party at First Beach next Saturday, I think." Jess suggested.
"We'll see what happens. We still have a whole week." I mumbled.
Jess and Lauren started to talk about the latest issue of Cosmopolitan while Angela and I talked about the lesson we had earlier in Bio. After a few more minutes, the bell finally rings.
I rushed into Government which, luckily passed away quite quickly, although we have to write an essay regarding the constitution. Then Spanish, luckily, Ang was taking this so I can sit right beside her instead of enduring an hour with him and his vampire lover.
0-0-0
Spanish finally ended and I managed to get through with the period and not stare at him or his girl friend. It's so painful to say that. I mean, the wounds are still fresh. But I have to get used to it.
As I walk with Angela going to Gym, we were both lost in our own thoughts. My mind was running wild about Louisa and Edward.
You are not Edward Cullen's girlfriend anymore. He does not love you anymore. And he probably never did. He loves LouisaLouisa and Edward are a match made in heaven. I am just a measly human. I cannot interfere with them.
I blink back another batch of tears threatening to fall. Angela sees this and puts a comforting arm on my shoulder. I want to just break down and cry. But I controlled myself not to. I save these moments when I'm alone.
Angela tapped me on the shoulder to see that we were already in front of the gym. I smile at her and we go to change in the locker room.
Luckily Coach Clapp decided that he doesn't want to cause any injuries today so he decided to keep me on the bench for the whole period. In my head, I'm thanking him very, very profoundly.
We finally get dismissed and I make my way home. This day wasn't that bad if I think about him less and less. I continue to drive in silence until I finally I had to stop since I was home. Something was bugging me to read that letter, but I didn't want. To, I just don't want to be reminded of him. Besides, it would go against the resolution I myself set up. So, what I did was I rushed going up the stairs but not before tripping and then hid the letter in the deepest part of my dresser. I went to shower and took my time there. While singing to the song I heard earlier.
He's a dandelion, up on his cliff above the sea.
He's not exactly everything I thought that he might be.
