The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

I'm not dead! Just an awful procrastinator and someone who got bitten by two re-e-e-ally awful original story plot bunnies. o.O Anyway, here's chapter seven it's all it's glory. .

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Leigh yawned, and raced down the stairs. "Crapcrapcraaap...." she grumbled. Not even noon and her day was in a downward spiral. It had been a full moon last night and the mini-Hounds had been serenading until moonset to everyone annoyance, also the Irregulars had found a new pastime: leaving nasty things in peoples' rooms. Last week Leigh had awoken to the sound of Charlie Adams running out of the room clutching a small urple gnome. However, the most important and disconcerting fact was that the entire staff was on edge since the deal with Ravyn. Leigh was understandably worried, but couldn't help but feel annoyed. How could such a wonderful character as Ravyn be dangerous? Besides, they were safe in the Academy with Agent April and Agent Ivy on guard, weren't they?

Once reaching the bottom she ran down the hall, skidded for a minute, then turned and ran into the already-packed Auditorium. A quick glance at the front of the room, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yo! Leigh!" Issy called, and waved. "Over here!" Leigh made her way over and dropped down into the seat next to Issy as the bell rang, signaling that anyone now entering the room was going to have to join Survivor: Grammar that afternoon.

"I didn't think I was going to make it." She said, pulling her bag off her shoulder.

"Where were you last night?" Issy asked.

"Well, after the Survivor: Grammar game I was heading up to our dorm when I stepped in one of Commodore Lysander's 'Mary-Sue traps'." Leigh explained, and Issy winced. "Yeah, so I spent a couple hours dangling from the ceiling, and then KID came by and cut me down. But that ended up setting off that alarm that Ivy and Violet Hunter were working on yesterday... did you hear it?"

Issy nodded, "I woke up when it went off. I'm glad it did because I caught Captain Edwards and Inspector Fitzwilliam putting a dead mole under your bed."

Leigh shuddered. "Anyway, Professor Hare came down and cleared everything up, and I headed up to bed. That was about three or four this morning, and about the time I realized that I hadn't gotten that new book for 'Fanfiction 411' and 'An Introduction to Fanfiction'." She sighed, "So I went up to the library to get it. As I was leaving Seth called me over and asked me for help on his 'Writing 101' homework."

"Seth asked you for help on his homework?" Issy asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, I know, scary, huh? Anyway I said sure, and we worked it out. It really took some doing, though." She frowned and pulled a piece of paper out of her bag. "He was supposed to write a paragraph with a conflict, a stream of fire, a sword, and fiery demon, remember that one?" Leigh asked, and Issy nodded.

"Listen, this is what he wrote:

'Avast, foul demon! Thou shall not pass!' The warrior cried. He then waved his sword in a very menacing manner. The demon was not impressed, and roared again. It was a very loud roar, and along with the ear-shattering sound came a stream of fire. The warrior held up his shield to protect himself from the stream of fire. However, the shield was made of wood and caught fire very easily. The warrior, feeling the flames, cried out in pain and shook off the flaming shield."

"Well... uhh... the grammar's good, but... that's crap!" Issy said and shook her head. "Seth wrote that? Seth, the only straight-A student at BSFA, wrote that?"

"Crazy, huh? I mean, he's so smart!" Leigh put the paper back in her bag "It took a while to get a good paragraph out of it." She shrugged, "I guess it was just really late and he had writers block or something."

"I guess," Issy said doubtfully.

"Hey, Leigh, what's this seminar about?" Embyr asked.

Leigh shrugged offhandedly. "No idea. All I know is Holmes is teaching it."

The young teenager frowned, giving her face a sour-lemonesque appearance. "I was in the staff section looking for Horatio's room when that Bohemian Count-"

"King," Seth corrected, sitting down behind Leigh.

"King, whatever, told me I'd better run for it 'cause Horatio was in a meeting and I was supposed to be in a seminar." One of the school's few Irregular-Luster's shoulders sagged.

Someone behind the group stomped. "Horatio was in a meeting?!" the high-pitched voice squealed. "As in, not in the staff section? I wish I'd known! I'd have recited that poem I wrote for him last night."

Embyr turned around to glare at the other Horatio Luster, "And I suppose it was written on Lilac scent paper with the typical purple prose?" She rolled her eyes.

"Of course not!" Marie Greenleaf said haughtily, pulling out a heavily scented piece of paper. "I would never stoop to such levels! Its sea-air scented." She sniffed the paper and sighed happily. "I thought it'd remind him of being out at sea."

"It's more likely to remind him of taking orders and being given forty lashes." Embyr muttered.

Marie opened her mouth to reply when the door opened and Holmes, Watson, and the inevitable fleet of mini-Hounds entered.

"Good morning." Watson said solemnly, his usual smile gone and a stern look in its place. Holmes didn't even bother to greet the students, he simply stalked to the middle of the room and glared at them, his disgust only matched by his anger.

"Due to all the students' attempts to play matchmaker, Miss Juliet has asked Watson and myself to educate you on this so-called 'slash' in our canon," he stated, and glared again. Half the students groaned in disgust and the other half sat up in their seats.

"Yes," Watson said picking up where Holmes stopped, "First off, who here was written slash?" Half the students' hands went up, some proudly, some hesitantly, some holding up their hands while they hid their faces.

"Ah," Holmes murmured, looking a little queasy "This is going to be harder than we thought." He sighed. "Let me make it quite clear that I have, nor will ever have, romantic feelings for Dr. Watson, and he, in turn, has none for me."

"What about that whole Devil's Foot thing? You called him John!" Mateem Bluewing called.

"That was in the Granada series, you idiot!" Hank Riddle, another of the Academy's few male students called, "He NEVER called him John in the books!"

Holmes raised his eyebrow and glanced at Watson in an "I'm too cool to be impressed but that was pretty good for this group of bozos" way.

"What about that 'knocked up' line? That's in the canon!" Lady Russell Holmes called.

"It obviously means something different, you flurb! Take the time period into consideration!" Monroe Wallace answered angrily.

"Flurb?! Why you-" Lady Russell Holmes tackled Monroe Wallace and hell then proceeded to break loose.

Suddenly ignored, Holmes and Watson climbed up onto the desk to avoid the randomly flying punches.

"Should we do something about this?" Watson yelled over the din.

"Why?" Holmes asked innocently.

Watson shrugged. "Only wondering."

Suddenly both doors flew open and everyone froze in mid-swing. Only Miss Juliet opened doors that way. However, the man in the doorway was anything but Miss Juliet. He was tall, possibly as tall as or taller than Holmes. A mop of dark brown hair sat atop his head and his dark blue eyes were half-hidden behind the locks. He was dressed in a long black trenchcoat and black combat boots. He raised his right eyebrow and glanced around the room.

An amused expressed crossed his face, "As you were," he said carelessly and waved his hand. The students went back to their brawl and the man leaned in the doorway and smirked.

Black Rose ran past him, Zinedine on her heel waving a black studded belt over her head. Damian, completely absorbed in watching Black Rose run for her life from the scary-looking Zinedine that he didn't notice when Holmes and Watson had come up and flanked him.

Damian shook his head, "Of all the schools I could have stopped at, I had to choose the loony bin." He turned to face a stern-looking Holmes and Watson. "Er... are you the heads of this fine establishment?" he asked, and stuck out his hand. "Damian. Please to meet you."

"Doctor John Watson," Watson said and avoided shaking his hand.

"Sherlock Holmes." Holmes glared at him. "What do you want?"

"Well, what I really need is-!" Both doors flew open and everyone again froze. Damian darted behind an overturned table.

Miss Juliet stood in the doorway, her hands on her hips and a glare on her face. The students slowly began to quietly untangle themselves as she walked over to Holmes and Watson with barely-controlled anger.

"Professor Holmes. Dr. Watson. Could you please make the students be a LITTLE quieter? I'm TRYING to explain to the Irregulars why reciting poetry outside someone's window at two AM is a bad idea, but it's rather difficult with all the noise. Also, why the hell is the Heart of Gold been parked outside my window for the past three hours?" Innocent whistling came from behind the table Damian was hiding behind. Miss Juliet stalked over and pulled him up by his ear.

"Hel-low," He whistled leeringly.

"What do you want? Make it quick and then get out." Miss Juliet put her other had on her hip.

"Well I WAS looking for the head of this joint but you'll do fine," He smirked.

She rolled her eyes, "I expect you're Damian the Fell."

His jaw dropped, "How the hell did you know?"

Juliet snorted "All the Official Fanfiction University heads were alerted the moment you stole the Heart of Gold, and everyone in the known universe has been trying to find you ever since you first set foot in the Literary World." She smirked.

"Listen." He said, pulling her hand off his ear and straightening his collar. "Listen I-"

"Come with me." She spun on her heel and headed out of the room, Damian following looking a little less confident than when he had first walked in. The doors closed with a loud banging noise behind them. All the students turned to look at Holmes and Watson.

"A one thousand word essay describing your views on the subject of slash. Cite three sources. Dismissed." The bell rang, and everyone began picking up their books, papers, and pieces of clothes that had been ripped off.

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Leigh slowly started up the stairs for what seemed like the millionth time that day. After the seminar that morning Agent Ivy had dragged her up to the staff section to be "toeprinted", and at lunch the whole school had been forced to evacuate the Dining Hall because Guin Sparrow and Charlotte Smullyan had planted stink bombs under the tables in a desperate attempt to kidnap Watson and Holmes. Leigh rolled her eyes at the memory. And then, to top it all off, Damian the Fell, the interdimensional thief, Damian the Fell, had just been hired as Head of Scholarly Discipline, despite how much Juliet seemed to loathe him. Wonder how he managed it? She mused.

"LEIGH! LEIGH!!" Seth called, racing up the stairs.

"What?" she asked, turning to look at him. His clothes were a mess, there was urple paint on the edges of his robe, and he had leaves and pine straw in his hair.

"Come with me! Hurry!" He grabbed her hand and dragged her down the stairs and out the side door.

"Seth! Wait! I'll be late for 'Decent Character Traits'! SETH!!" Leigh cried as she was dragged across the extensive grounds.

"Listen! This is important!" Seth said through gasps for air. "I was chasing Sir Percival -he stole 'Great Facts for Great Minds' from me- and then I saw this person down on the Survivor: Grammar playing field. They were wearing a silver-and-green cloak and were writing something in urple paint. I ran over to see what was going on, but before I had a chance to find out who it was they raced off into the woods. All I could see was that they had long golden blond hair with lilies entwined in her hair."

Leigh gulped. "Did she have a lily on the back of her cloak?"

"Yeah, why?" Seth asked.

"N-no reason..." she replied and gulped again. Aw crap... that sounds like Ravyn...

"Anyway, I ran through looking for them but I couldn't see them, but look what I found!" He stopped, and Leigh shook her head to figure out where they were. Across a corner of the Survivor: Grammar playing field was a message written in large, bold, urple letters.

NONA IS A BIG, FAT MARY-SUE!

Leigh gasped, "We better go get Miss Juliet!" She turned to race back up the hill but Seth grabbed her hand before she had a chance to go.

"What? Are you crazy? Tell Miss Juliet and bring her wrath down on you? Do you know what she would do to you?" Seth said, raising his left eyebrow.

"Well..." Leigh started.

"She'd kill you! She'd lock you down in the dungeon with Moriarty all year and only let you come out to play Survivor: Grammar and for the mini-Hounds birthdays!" He gently pulled her around and put his hands on her shoulders. "Let someone else be foolish enough to tell her about it, Leigh. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Leigh's knees turned into overcooked noodles and she nodded. "Okay." She grinned. "Okay."

"Good." He smiled and took her hand. "Let's get back to the school, okay?"

She nodded, still grinning like an idiot, "Okay." They started walking towards the school.

"Seth! Leigh! What are you doing here?" asked Nona Brown as she walked out of the Preparations Room, a large wire crate in her arms. She was wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans for the first time (that Leigh knew of) and was covered with chicken feathers and small pieces of snakeskin. In the crate were more chicken feathers and a long, large, black snakeskin. Leigh shuddered and tried very, very hard not to think about what the next Survivor: Grammar was going to be like.

"Shit..." Seth growled through his teeth and let go of Leigh's hand. "Nothing, Professor, I lost my book and Leigh was helping me look for it. Now if you'll excuse us." He said in an aggravated voice.

"Did you find... what's that?" Her eyes darted from the urple paint behind him to the paint on his robes. "Come with me." She set down the crate and headed for the playing field.

"But Professor, we're late for-"

"With me." Nona cut her off. They reached the field, Nona's jaw clamped shut and some of the color left her cheeks.

"What happened here?" She asked, and Seth recited his story for her.

"When we got down here Leigh and I decided that this was someone that should be for Juliet's eyes and ears only. Therefore, we agreed to take it straight to her and not to any of the lesser staff members. May we go now? As Leigh tried to say we are EXTREMELY late for our classes. We had planned to take this straight to Juliet but as you've seen it now, you can take it to her." Seth said, narrowing his eyes. He grabbed Leigh's hand and dragged her off. Once they were out of Nona's earshot he dropped her hand and muttered something under his breath.

"Seth? Why'd you tell her that we were going to Miss Juliet about that?" Leigh asked, a little confused. Why was he so angry? She had never known him to be so borderline rude to any of the other professors before.

"Well, if I didn't she'd suspect something, wouldn't she?" Seth said and shrugged. "Seemed the safest way to go."

"Oh."

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That afternoon in "Basic Sleuthing Techniques 101" as Holmes was demonstrating the correct way to follow footprints, the door banged open and Inspector Lestrade walked in.

"I need Leigh Tobias and a Seth Nix," he frowned. Leigh and Seth glanced at each other in an "Oh-Crap-We're-In-For-It" way and started collecting their things. They followed Lestrade up the stairs, past the mini-Hounds, and into the staff section. Further down the staff hallway, he suddenly opened a door and pushed them in. It was small and dark, the only furniture was a table, four chairs, and a lamp on the table.

"Sit," he ordered, and they sat. "I'll get April and Ivy." He said, closing the door behind him.

"Oh crap..." Leigh groaned and put her head in her hands.

"What?" Seth asked.

"April and Ivy are the PPC agents that keep questioning me about Ravyn. Every other night Ivy's waking me up and asking if Ravyn ever ate peanut butter or something equally stupid. And April's just mean." She groaned again.

"PPC agents?" Seth muttered. "Oh shitshitshitshit."

The door swung open and April and Ivy walked in. April sat down and Ivy clicked on the lamp and swung it to shine in Leigh and Seth's eyes.

"Now. We have a few questions to ask you, if you don't mind." Ivy began.

"Of course we-" Seth started hotly, and Leigh kicked him in the shin.

"-don't mind," he finished and rubbed his leg.

"Good." She smiled. "Now, Seth, will you please tell us how you came to find the graffiti?"

"Yeah, whatever," Seth sighed and began to explain what happened for the third time that day. "We left Professor Brown there and went straight to class."

"Why did you drag Leigh over to see it and not go straight to Miss Juliet?" Ivy asked, and raised her left eyebrow.

"I was in 'Correct Chemicals' right before I saw it," Seth shrugged, "I wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming or something. It's happened before. Once, after that class, I thought I saw Professor Moriarty and Elmira Gulch leave one of the empty classrooms." He said

April spoke up, "How do you know that was a hallucination?"

"Because she was wearing a black negligee and all his clothes were wrinkled or put on wrong." Ivy cracked up and April shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Leigh, did the person Seth described to you sound like Ravyn?" April asked.

"Yes, ma'am." Leigh replied, surprised.

"What made you think that?" Ivy asked, getting over her fit of giggles.

"The lilies in her hair and the lily on her cloak." She said.

"Excuse me?" April leaned forward. "You've never mentioned lilies before."

Leigh shrugged, "You never asked." There was a pause.

"Well?" Ivy asked impatiently.

"Why don't you just read the story?" Leigh asked. "I have a copy if you want."

Ivy and April glared at her, "Do you really think that we would sink so low as to actually read a crapfic of this nature when we can just as easily obtain the information from you?" April asked.

"Yeah, and besides it's over forty pages long, we don't have time to read it!" Ivy added

and April glared at her. "What'd I say?"

April shook her head, "Nothing, Ivy, nothing."

"Can we go now?" Seth asked.

"No. Leigh, what do the lilies mean?" April asked.

Leigh took a deep breath, "Well, I had just finished watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail',"

"Oh I LOVE that movie!!" Ivy exclaimed.

"IVY!" April snapped.

"Sorry." The offender muttered.

"Anyway," Leigh continued, "I had just finished watching it and, no offence, but I thought it was really stupid but there was this one cool thing I noticed- they all had their little symbol thingies. I thought that since Ravyn was like a knight in a way, she should have her own symbol thing. I like lilies, so that became Ravyn's thing, and her nickname. Holmes calls her Lily a lot." April and Ivy twitched.

"Ick. Bad mental image." Ivy said. "I need a spork."

April turned off the lamp and pushed a button on the wall. "Ivy, go inspect the field. Meet me in Juliet's office when you're done." She got to her feet.

"Aye, aye, April!" Ivy saluted the older woman and left the room.

"Leigh, Seth, Lieutenant Horatio will be in here in a few minutes to take you down to the Dining Hall. If either of you dare to try to escape now or while with him..." She left it hanging, and both nodded fearfully. "Good." Nodding briskly, she left without further comment.

"Stupid PPC agent," Seth grumbled, slumping in his seat. "Only reason April's here is because she left the Lord of the Rings department after that one paring. Squicked beyond the use of bleach."

"What ship was it?" Leigh asked. Seth leaned over and whispered the answer in her ear. Immediately, Leigh blanched white and got a little faint-headed.

"I told you," he said in a low voice.

Suddenly, the door swung over and Lieutenant Horatio strolled in. He was dirty, smelly, and had pieces of straw stuck all over him, obviously fresh from the stables.

"Oh, it's you," he said pleasantly. "Do you mind if we stop off at my room before we go down?" He motioned to his stained clothing.

"Please," Leigh said, wrinkling her nose.

"What on earth have you been doing?" Seth asked as he and Leigh got to their feet and followed Horatio out the door.

"Just finished mucking out the stables," he muttered. Halfway down the hallway they ran into Sir Percival and Commodore Lysander, both of the Irregulars snickering under their breath.

"What did you do?" Horatio asked with suspicion.

"Oh... notin'..." They looked at each other and grinned.

"Oh," Horatio looked like he didn't believe them. "I thought you'd maybe put something in someone's room again."

"Oh, roight. No, we 'aven't been doin' notin' like that," Commodore Lysander replied, and Sir Percival nodded.

"Well, if you say so..." Horatio replied, still looking as though he didn't believe them.

Continuing along the passage, the three walked out into the staff's Uncommon Room, a large circular area furnished with sofas and tables for grading, research and the occasional mid-class snack. Lining the walls, interspersed with lush tapestries, were doors to the staff members' respective rooms. Many of the Canonicals were milling around in the lull between classes and Horatio tried to avoid them as much as possible as he headed to a door on the far side of the room. However, before he got there a very irate Holmes and a very lovestruck Marie caught up with him. Marie instantly attached herself to Horatio's leg, and Leigh could have sworn she heard purring.

"Horatio, am I to understand that you 'mucked out' the entire stables by yourself?" Holmes snapped.

"Aye, sir, I just finished." The lieutenant looked down at himself, ignoring the leech-like fangirl attached to his smelly trouser leg. "As you see."

"Horatio, how many times must I tell you something before it finally makes its way through your thick head?" Holmes sighed and shook his head. "That was what the STUDENTS are for! You should have made them do it!" He crossed his arms. "Whenever I try to tell you something it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall... if this happens again I'm going to Miss Juliet."

Horatio hung his head. "Yes, sir," he replied in a small voice.

Marie detached herself from Horatio's kneecaps and lay in shock for a moment. Suddenly, her eyes narrowed, she got to her feet, and made a beeline for Holmes. Moving too quickly for the detective, she ducked around behind him and pulled up the back of his dress jacket.

"What in blazes are you...!" Holmes began, but stopped suddenly as the rabid fangirl rudely shoved her hand down his pants and pulled up on the end of a pair of very white underdrawers. In the beginning he seemed all right except for a slight twitch in his right eye. However, a few seconds later, a muscle in his jaw began to twitch and Leigh could hear him grinding his teeth from the yard or so away she stood. Finally a look of pain and disbelief fell upon the detective's face as Marie gave him a very cold, evil glare. Horatio bore a look of horror on his face, and Seth and Leigh were trying their very hardest not to crack up.

"You go change," Marie said to Horatio, a look of blissful satisfaction on her face. "I'll guard him so he doesn't insult you again." She glared at Holmes, totally oblivious to her impending doom. Horatio, however, was not so vacant and raced off into his room, away from the blast radius.

Holmes reached around and grabbed Marie viciously by the ear, ignoring her squeals of pain. "You... little..." he rasped hoarsely. "I'm going to enjoy watching what Juliet is going to do to you!"

"Someone call my name?" Miss Juliet asked as she walked out of one of the doors, Damian and March Hare behind her carrying boxes with holes punched in them.

Holmes pushed Marie forward. "She... she... the little..." he started, groping for words to explain what just happened.

"Yes, Holmes?" Hare asked curiously, a long ear canting to one side in puzzlement.

"She... well, she... she reached into my... well..."

"She WHAT, Holmes?" Miss Juliet asked, raising her eyebrow.

"She... ah... she reached down and..."

"...and..." Damian motioned.

"Oh, for God's sake..." Marie snapped. "It was a wedgie, okay?"

At that unlikely revelation, March had to bite her lip to keep from giggling and Damian ignored principle and laughed aloud. Ever unflappable, Miss Juliet merely smirked and said, "What did you have in mind for punishment?"

Suddenly, a cry of utter horror came from Horatio's room. Startled, March spun around on her heel and started walking towards Horatio's door. "What was that?" she asked aloud.

Leigh had a bad feeling about this. "Professor, don't-" she started to call, but was cut off by the door flying open and Horatio himself racing out, clad only in black silk boxer shorts, yelling something about a crimsun hairless demon from the briny deep sent to kill him! Right on the poor pirate's heels was a fat, ugly, crimsun-painted, hairless rat, squeaking bloody murder.

In his blind terror, Horatio didn't notice March standing right in front of him and five seconds later both lay on the floor, dazed and disoriented. They shook their heads, and in the same instant realized what had happened: A boxer-clad Horatio was completely sprawled over a very startled March Hare.

There was silence in the Uncommon Room as March slowly reached up and caressed a shell-shocked Horatio's face. He closed his eyes and swallowed as her fingers drifted over his cheek, lips, and jaw. He opened his eyes again, and gently, hesitantly began to nuzzle her neck and the side of her face. Her hand slowly brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes and her breath caught in her throat as his lips brushed against her cheek. They moved down her jaw and finally landed on her own. Instantly, her hands moved to curl around his neck as he softly, gently, claimed her lips as his own. They parted, and breathing heavily, he moved from her mouth and gently drew a line of kisses over her jaw and to her long ear. Stunned but happy, her brown eyes flickered open to look into his green ones and he kissed her again, deeply, intensely.

"Jeebus!" cried a loud, harsh voice. "Get a room if you're going to do that, why don't you? You're disrupting traffic!" Damian rolled his eyes and handing the gibbering Marie over to Juliet.

"Gone... Horatio... mine... my Horatio... the villa on the seaside... the five kids... the dances under the stars on the beach... all gone..." Marie blinked, and suddenly burst into a torrent of fangirl tears.

Horatio jumped and pulled away, his chest heaving and his cheeks turning bright red. "I..." he gasped, eyes fixed on the bunny-woman. "I... I just... I'm sorry, I... I... I gotta go!" he managed and bolted.

It was suddenly quiet again, aside from Marie's gasping sobs. Seth and Leigh looked at each other as their jaws hung somewhere around their knees and Holmes turned to look at Miss Juliet and Damian. Damian was leaning up against the door smirking, evidently enjoying himself. Miss Juliet, however, was completely unreadable. She stood completely still, one hand by her side and the other holding Marie by the ear. Slowly, she let the hysterical student go and pushed her to Damian. "You deal with her," she snapped and walked over to the dazed bunny-woman, bending down. "Hey," she said in the kindest tone Leigh had ever heard her use. "Skybright Daye tried to bribe me with a box of chocolate this morning. You want it? You know I don't like chocolate." She held out a hand and pulled the shell-shocked professor to her feet.

"Yeah... sure," March replied shakily, leaning slightly on the Coordinator.

"Good," Miss Juliet nodded, and they started down towards one of the hallways leading to the area.

Wow, Leigh thought despite herself. Maybe she's not so bad after all.

Suddenly, though, Miss Juliet stopped and turned, stalking back over where Damian was standing. "One more thing," she added, drawing back her fist. "Thanks!" Her arm shot out, connecting solidly with the thief's face.

"Ouch! Hey, what the hell was that for?" Damian asked, his hand flying to his left eye.

"For that brilliant little crack you made. Thanks a whole hell of a lot." She spun on her heel and turned to Seth and Leigh. "Oh, Seth and Leigh. I want both of you to write me five-page reports. Seth, yours is for this afternoon. I want everyone involved to sign it to assure its accuracy. Leigh, yours is about Ravyn. I want everything about her in that report, and I want them both by tomorrow morning." She smirked.

"WHAT?" Leigh and Seth yelped.

"Also, you will both be attending detention for the rest of the week, as well as Survivor: Grammar for missing classes this afternoon." She grinned very evilly. "That's all."

Leigh groaned, Or... not. Miss Juliet and March left, and Damian dragged a wailing Marie towards his office.

"I... guess we should go find Horatio, huh?" Leigh managed.

"I guess." Seth sighed.

They backtracked down the hall over to the door Horatio had thrown himself in, knocking gently. "Horatio? Are you all right?" Leigh asked, opening the door.

"Do I bloody well SOUND all right?!" Horatio asked, resorting to pirate lingo in his times of crisis. He was sitting behind a stack of towels in the linen closet, a pillow on his lap and a sheet draped around his shoulders. His eyes had a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look and the blush had not yet left his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Seth asked.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?! You've got eyes! You saw what happened!" He put his head in his hands and moaned. "What am I going to do?"

"You could tack up back outside the staff section," Seth offered.

Leigh smacked her friend brusquely. "Seth!" she whispered quietly and knelt down to Horatio. "You want to talk about it?" she asked the Irregular.

He shook his head, "No I... it's just... I care for her so deeply... and now I've gone and made a fool of myself just because I didn't have the willpower to stop myself!" He hung his head. "What have I done?"

"Horatio," Leigh said gently, "you're right. I saw that happen. She made the first move. If she hadn't reached out to you, you wouldn't have stayed."

He hugged the pillow to his chest. "No-no-no... She... I..." His shoulders sagged. "It was my fault!"

Leigh stood up and turned to Seth, "A little help would be nice," she hissed.

Seth rolled his eyes, "Fine, fine." He wedged his way into the closet and pulled the pillow away from Horatio. "Horatio, man, listen to me. Hare. Kissed. You. Back. That's usually a dead giveaway, you know. And from where I was standing it didn't look like she was exactly, how shall I say it, unhappy with the arrangement." He raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

Horatio looked up. "Really?"

Seth looked confused. "Really what?"

"Did it really not look like she wasn't enjoying herself?" he asked.

Seth blinked for a second before translating what Horatio was actually saying. "It certainly looked that way to me,"

"Same here," Leigh shrugged. "I think you should go find her."

"What?!"

"I'm serious! Go find her and... say... you're sorry for running out on her like that." Leigh said. "I know that if someone had just snogged the snot out of me like that, and then just run off as soon as he got embarrassed, I'd... well, I'd at least want to talk to him about it!"

Horatio sighed and scratched his head, "I guess..."

"Came you take us back down now?" Seth asked, "Dinner's almost over and I missed lunch today."

"Yeah... sure..." Horatio said sheepishly. "But first... could one of you go in my room and get me a pair of pants and a shirt?"

Seth nodded and left, and five minutes later he returned with a white shirt and faded dark blue pants.

"These okay?" He asked, holding them out. Horatio nodded and hurriedly pulled them on.

"Check and see if anyone's out there," he asked as he pulled the shirt over his head.

Leigh walked over and cracked open the door, "Just a few people milling around. I think you can safely sneak out."

"Good," Horatio said, breathing a sigh of relief. The three slowly crept out of the closet and made their way to the closest hallway. A faint squee! sound floated into the room.

"What's that noise?" Horatio asked, and everyone stopped.

"Fangirls," Seth replied. "Coming this way, too."

"How'd they make it into the staff section?" Leigh asked as the squee! sound got louder.

"Who knows," Seth shrugged. "What we've got to worry about is not getting hit."

"How are we going to do..." Leigh started, but before she could finish a wave of fangirls swarmed into the room. She tried to run to the wall where Horatio and Seth were, but tripped. The last thing she saw was the bottom of a scuffed black Mary-Jane shoe.

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

The next morning Leigh woke up and groggily looked around. She wasn't in her dorm, and that certainly wasn't Issy sitting at the end of her bed. She blinked a couple times and her vision cleared. She was lying in a simple wooden-framed bed in a sparsely decorated room, and it was Inspector Lestrade sitting at the foot of the bed looking tired and irritated.

"Er... Inspector? How did I get here?" Leigh asked.

"After you left the Uncommon Room with Mr. Nix and Horatio you were tramped by a herd of Holmes fangirls who had snuck into the staff section." Lestrade replied with obvious disgust, but not directed at her. "Mr. Nix and Horatio managed to jump out of the way in time but the fangirls hit you head on. And, as Skybright Daye and Charlie Adams decided to blow up your dormitory with some of Holmes' chemicals, it was decided that we take you to my room to recover." He frowned. "Because I wasn't there to have my say, no doubt."

"What time is it?" Leigh said, struggling out of bed. "I'm going to miss a class, I know I am."

"It's all right, it's only seven." Lestrade replied.

"Morning or afternoon?" She asked, looking for the other one of her socks.

"Morning. Please," he sighed in an aggravated manner, "it's Saturday and there aren't any classes. There's a lecture this afternoon but until then you're free, and you really shouldn't but up and moving with the burns you got from Gimlee."

"Gimlee?" Leigh said freezing in the middle of putting her left sock on. "What's this about Gimlee?"

"He's the one that carried you in here," Lestrade replied. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, a little," Leigh meekly replied as she finished putting on her sock.

"Do you want me to bring you something from the kitchen? A piece of toast or a grapefruit or something?" He asked, getting to his feet.

"No, no, I'm fine, I'll just eat with you and go down, I guess... breakfast is already over downstairs." She said as she bent down looking for her shoes.

Lestrade hurmped, "Well, just this once I suppose. Your shoes are under the table, Miss Tobias."

"Oh, er, thank you." She said, standing up and hurriedly shoving her feet into them.

"Come with me." He lead her out of the small room and through the large area with all the doors surrounding it. "Please understand that this is a once-in-a-lifetime happening."

Leigh nodded, "Gotcha." They walked through a dark hallway and into the kitchen. Holmes, Mycroft, Nona, Watson, Mary, Dr. Trevelyan, and John Hector McFarlane were sitting around the table eating and talking. Holmes was complaining to Mycroft about something when they entered and Watson was blushing.

"...no rest, I tell you, no rest at all! All night long it's 'bang, bang, bang!' against the wall. I don't know how they get any sleep, either! Who's bright idea was it to put me beside those two," he asked, jerking his thumb at Watson and Mary.

"I'd talk to Miss Juliet about that," Mycroft said dryly, "she's the one who came up with the sleeping arrangements."

"Oh? I'd like to complain to her about another sleeping arrangement, too." He muttered, his eyes darting to Nona.

"I believe you'll have to talk to someone much higher-up about those sleeping arrangements, Holmes." Lestrade said as he took a seat next to Dr. Trevelyan. "I believe you all know Leigh Tobias." Murmurs of accent went up from around the table.

"Are you feeling better?" Mary inquired.

"Yeah, thanks." Leigh replied as Nona passed her the coffee. "Wow... it's actually hot!" She marveled. "I haven't had hot coffee in ages."

"Of course you haven't." Holmes replied. "You're a student."

"Well you don't have to shove my face in it." Leigh replied. "If it's one thing I know, it's that I am a student."

"How does being a student feel?" Mary asked.

"Well..." She shrugged. "It makes you feel like your dirt! You can't even have one fangirlish thought as you're worse than dead." She shrugged again. "Then again, I've learned stuff that was what I wouldn't have learned any other way."

"Then it's a success." Miss Juliet said as she entered the room, closely followed by Damian the Fell and Mary Russell. "Or as close to it as we're likely to come."

"She's a student? Russell exclaimed. "What is a student doing in here?"

"Two of her roommates blew up their dorm last night, she had been knocked out before it happened and we decided to let her spend the night in Lestrade's room." Mary Watson explained.

Russell frowned, "Well shouldn't she be going back down to the school? She doesn't have to stay up here does she?" She crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, but she has several injuries and hasn't eaten in about twenty four hours, breakfast is over downstairs." Miss Juliet shot back. "Our goal is to teach the students, not to kill them."

"I still don't like it. We have enough Sue-related members in the staff section already, we don't need to add the person responsible for-"

"Will you kindly shut up?" Miss Juliet snapped. "And stop making cracks about March and Nona. It's bad enough to have to deal with the Sues in the first place but if you and Irene continue taunting Nona about it I'm going to have to report you to April and Ivy, suggesting that you might be in cahoots with the 'Sue army." Russell fell silent, but the look of displeasure remained on her face. Nona and Leigh were starring at their hands. "Holmes, Nona, come with me. I want to talk to you about something." Miss Juliet said."

"Right, I thought you might." Nona said, her head snapping up. She and Holmes left with Miss Juliet and Damian and Russell filled their empty seats.

"Well, uhh, I'd probably better be going..." Leigh said, jumping up. "I mean, the workmen will probably be done with my dorm soon and I need a shower and..." she trailed off as she back towards the door. "I'll see you later... bye!" She rushed out of the door and through the staff section. What was that about? A Mary-Sue ARMY? And what am I responsible for? I've never done anything THAT bad... she thought as she ran past the mini-Hounds and down the stairs towards the showers.

"LEIGH! I was about to come get you... you can't miss this!" Issy said, running up the stairs.

"No, I've gotta take a shower and change my clothes, and I've got homework to do..." Leigh mumbled as Issy grabbed her hand and started dragging her down the stairs.

"But Elmira Gulch is outside writing a love letter in the sky!" Issy exclaimed.

Leigh's jaw dropped, "THE Elmira Gulch? As in, the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Yes! Oh, just get on the banister, it'll be faster if we slide." Issy said, pushing Leigh onto the wooden banister and jumping on behind her.

"Who's she writing the letter to?" Leigh asked as they slid down.

"Professor Moriarty!"

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Surprise! Here's a parody of Shell Silverstein's "The Yippiyuk" to explain why this chapter took so long...

The Plotbunny.

In my room, several weeks ago
Where the dust and messiness grow
A Plotbunny bit on my toe...
Exactly why I do not know.
I kicked and cried
And hollared "Oh"-
The Plotbunny would not let go.
I whispered to it soft and low-
The Plotbunny would not let go
I shouted "Stop", "Desist" and "Whoa"-
The Plotbunny would not let go.
Yes, that was many days ago,
And the Plotbunny still won't let go.
The complaints may fall
The flames may blow
The Plotbunny will not let go.
The complaints may end
The compliments may grow
The Plotbunny will not let go.
I drag it 'round each place I go,
This Plotbunny that won't let go.
And now my readers at last you know
Exactly why BSFA is coming so slow.