A/N Sorry for the longer wait than usual. Soccer just started this week and it's been really hectic. School starts soon so my updates are only going to get more sporadic. But I'm really going to try. I'm in my senior year so I just have a lot going on. Anyways, enough about me, here is the new chapter, a lot longer than any of the other ones to make up for it taking forever. Brittana as promised and some Quinntana friendship moments. Enjoy!
All rights belong to Fox!
I couldn't handle seeing her every morning let alone sit next to her for a whole class period every day. So I did what I thought was best and skipped first period the last two days. I even went as far as coming 20 minutes late to practice yesterday just to make sure she was gone. I know this was hurting her as much as it was hurting me, but I wouldn't know how to act right now. Or what to tell her. Sure I could make life easy and just tell her the truth, but I'm not sure I can deal with that just yet.
If I just told her what I felt what would that mean? Was I gay or just having strong feelings for a girl I've known for all of four days? Everything is just too hard and if I had to face her I know I would see the sadness in her eyes and spill my guts to her right there. I wasn't at that point yet. I needed some time.
Apparently she didn't feel the same way because here she comes right now. Oh shit. Just be strong Santana. Deflection is your best friend right now.
"Where have you been the last two days in first period?" She asks glaring at me the whole time; obviously pissed.
"I…um just slept in late?" I stutter to get out and not even I'm convinced by my lie. Britt just seems tired as she shakes her head at me. I never even thought about how much stress this was putting on her. Shit why am I so damn self-obsessed.
"Look Santana, I'm not even going to pretend I understand what's going on with you right now, but I do know we need to talk."
"Can you just give me some time to figure everything out? I know we need to talk and when I know what to say, you'll be the first person I find."
"I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I need to talk now. I'm going crazy in my head and you're the only person who can stop the madness right now. So I'll be at the track after school. I know we don't have practice but I have a lot I need to run off. So you can meet me there or I can just have my seat changed in first period and we can just pretend like we never met." She says and then storms off in the other direction, I'm guessing towards lunch. I will definitely not be going there today.
Now I have only a few hours to figure out what the hell to say to her. I knew this was going to have to happen at some point, but I thought it would be on my terms. Why is it that she is the only person who has enough control over me to tell me where I need to be? If anyone else, even Quinn, gave me an ultimatum like that I would leave them behind without even a second thought. I can't lose her though. In less than a week, she's made me feel more than I have in my entire life. I can't just let that go without some type of fight.
I guess I know where I'll be after school today.
[At the Track]
I've now been sitting in my car for a good 5 minutes. I know Brittany is here because I'm parked right next to her car. She's probably out on the track running out all the pain or confusion that I've caused her. But I just can't make myself get out of the car. I'm suddenly pulled out of my thoughts by a tap on the window. Before I even look up I know who it is.
I look up to see bright blue eyes filled with sadness and confusion that aren't usually there. It makes me feel like shit because I know both looks are being caused by me. I'm hurting the one person in my life that I don't want to hurt. That look was the only thing I needed to pull my ass out of the car. "Um…hey Britt."
"I saw your car when I walked out of the locker room. Why were you just sitting in your car?" She asks me looking directly into my eyes. God her eyes. Definitely my weakness.
"I was just getting ready to come find you actually. Should I get changed and run with you before we talk or should we just get right to it?"
"I'm going to run first, but you don't have to join me. I just need to run some stuff off, like I said before and I think it would benefit both of us if I did it before we talked." She laughed lightly although I could tell she was being very serious about that, so I was inclined to agree.
"Okay I'll use today as my off day, but I'll be waiting in the locker room for you when you're done okay?" Britt just kind of nodded and walked away. Okay that gives me a minimum of probably ten minutes to get my thoughts together. Might as well head over to the locker room.
Alright, it's now or never. I guess I'm just going to have to tell her exactly what's on my mind. But how much of the truth does she actually need to know? Should I tell her that I wanted her from the second she walked into Schue's classroom or should I leave it simple and just say that I have feelings for her? Maybe I will just let her go first that way I can know how she's feeling before I spill my entire heart and make an idiot out of myself. It's only fair since she demanded this meeting in the first place. I'm just going to work off of what she tells me. Good plan Santana. Who the hell am I kidding, I give it five minutes before I say fuck it and just tell her everything.
When she walks in a few minutes later I can't tell if she was crying or if her cheeks are just red from the cold. Either way it makes me want to hug her as soon as I see her. I just can't stand to see her without a smile on her face. Maybe I should just tell her that.
I was sitting on the bench thinking and when she walked in she sat directly in front of me. She's just been sitting here, but I can tell she's trying to find the perfect way to say what she's feeling. She's as nervous as I am, that gives me some hope.
"I'm going to say a lot right now and I just need you to let me say it all before you interrupt okay?" I nod quickly. I was not expecting that at all. "Good. The other day in the woods, I'm sorry if I freaked you out. I really shouldn't have kissed you. We were just having a moment and you said that you were getting butterflies and it all just felt so right I couldn't stop myself. But I can't deny the fact that I felt something in that kiss and I know you felt it too. I've been driving myself crazy from this and I just need to know where your head is at so I can stop going insane." She says practically out of breath from getting that all in without breathing. My plan has already gone to hell because I know I'm about to spill everything.
I really feel like an ass now. She felt the same thing as I did. What the hell was I so afraid of? "Britt I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I know what I'm feeling right now. Everything is confusing me as much as it is you. I'm totally lost in my own head right now. I felt something in that kiss, I really did. But I'm just not sure what that means yet for me. All I know is that when I saw you for the first time, I swear I couldn't look away from the second you walked through that door. And ever since that moment you've been the only thing on my mind and…"
Apparently I said something that she liked because before I could finish my thought I felt myself being slammed into the lockers behind me. I didn't even care that the dial on one of the lockers was being driven into my spine because Brittany's lips were on mine for the second time this week and it was easily becoming my favorite feeling. Even when she's kissing me like this, her lips are still so soft and gentle. There were a lot of feelings being thrown into this kiss from both sides. Desperation. Sorrow. Passion.
She slowed the kiss, but only for a second, so she could pull back and catch her breath. It wasn't even enough time for that before she dove back in taking my bottom lip between her teeth and nibbling on it. Now it was my turn to deepen the kiss and turn her back into the locker. As I flipped her, my leg slid between hers' and now my thigh was grinding against her center, eliciting a moan of pure pleasure. My hands were roaming all over her body, wanting to absorb every inch of her, and she was doing the same to me. Things were escalating very quickly, not that I was complaining.
I felt everything but confusion in her kiss and that's how I knew we have both been feeling the same thing. I know I want her and she wants me too because this is twice she has initiated the kiss. But can I step up and actually admit it to her? Will I be able to say it out loud that I want her to be mine?
Realizing that I'm just not there yet, I try and break the kiss before things get too heated for even me to deny. "Britt," I say full on panting trying to catch my breath. But it comes out as more of a whisper, which only causes her to instantly reconnect our lips. I really need to stop this before I have another panic attack and just run away. So I push of her shoulders lightly to put space between us. I immediately feel a twinge of regret when she looks at me with confusion in her eyes and something I can only make out as fear that I will run again.
"I'm not going to run away again I promise." I say trying to ease her fear a little. I can see her shoulders ease at my statement telling me that I was right about what she was feeling. "I just…" how exactly am I supposed to say this, "… I need to slow this down. I want to continue, trust me. But I don't want us to push this before I know exactly where my head is at."
Shit, I said something wrong. The lust filled eyes that were looking at me just two minutes ago have now changed into the eyes that were looking at me in the hallway today.
"Dammit Santana. How can you not know what you want still? Was I the only one there during that kiss? Because I know what I felt was not one sided just now. You were kissing back just as much as I was kissing you this time. When you finally decide to pull your head out of your ass you know how to find me." And with that she stormed out, leaving me sitting on the bench alone. I can't help but think that she is really hot when she's angry.
The only person I know who has ever gone through something like this is Quinn, so I guess it's finally time to have a talk with her about this. I know Britt is right, I have to get my head out of my ass, and who better to do that for me then my best friend.
[Quinn's House]
"Fabray! I'm outside your house so get your ass to the door before I just walk in." I scream into the phone and hang up. This is always how I tell her I'm coming over. I don't know why she ever expects a call first.
A few seconds later I was greeted by an annoyed Quinn. My favorite version of her. "Well it's nice to see you too Satan. Won't you come in?" She said, her words dripping with sarcasm and annoyance. She walked towards her room anyways and I followed.
"As much as I love to piss you off, I actually need your help so we need to play nice right now." I said putting on a serious face and sitting on her bed. I really don't think I could actually handle any teasing right now.
"So you're finally ready to tell me what the fuck has been up with you lately. Not that I don't have my assumptions, but I told you I'd be here when you wanted to talk. I meant it; I'm not going to tease you. You're my best friend, if something is wrong, I want to help." She said, sounding very sincere.
So I basically told her the exact same thing I told Kurt, in a much calmer tone, and I added in the recent development in the locker room. She was kind of just looking at me with a half knowing half sympathetic smirk. But I could tell she had some type of an idea of what was going on with me. Maybe not the first day or two, but after the locker room, she knew.
"I've been where you are, and I get that this is confusing, but I can't tell you what to do. This is all you."
"Ugh, why do you have to be compassionate right now. Can't you just like smack me and tell me to get my shit together. I need that Quinn today." I sighed dramatically and fell backwards onto the bed.
"Santana, you know I would love to do that and that's usually what I would do if this was a guy, but this situation is just different. Everyone comes to terms with things differently. I can't just make you accept this."
"But why is it so hard? I know that I like her and that I like kissing her, but when I think about walking around holding hands with her I just get nervous. How do you just stop caring about that and just do what you want?"
"Well let me ask you this, do you think this is a phase?"
I honestly don't know. I told Kurt the same thing and nothing has changed. "I don't know! My panic has less to do with the thought of being gay and more to do with the whole situation in general. Q you've known me since I was like 11, have you ever heard me talk about anyone like this?"
"No, I haven't ever even heard you admit you like someone past the point of a hook up. That's why I'm asking you. Because if this was just a phase that you needed to get out of your system, I don't think you would be freaking out. You would have just hooked up and then moved on. This is obviously something more."
"You're right and trust me all of these things have already gone through my head a thousand times. I think the thing I'm struggling with the most is just that all of this is new. It would be one thing if I was putting my heart out of the table for a guy, but now I'm doing that with a girl. It's not just her that can hurt me if I do this, it's everyone. It's my parents, my abuela, kids at school, teachers, and even random people in the fucking mall. I just don't know if I'm ready for all of that to be thrown at me along with being in my first relationship ever. It's too much."
"No one is asking you to scream that you like Brittany from a roof top. I think all she wants to hear is that you like her and you're going to stop running away. She's not asking you to tell your parents or even announce anything to the school. You're getting ahead of yourself."
"Yeah, that's true." I guess I really was being a drama queen. I blame Kurt for giving me all these diva tendencies. "I have some serious explaining to do. At least I know what to tell her now."
"Which is…?"
"Exactly what you said. That I'm not ready to scream anything from a roof top, but that I really like her and this is all new to me. I want to take it slow, but I know that I want to be with her."
"Well good for you! My first girl crush was so not solved this simply. I was crying for hours and in quite a bit of denial."
"Trust me, I know. I remember you were the biggest bitch ever when it happened. I don't recall the crying, but Kurt may have filled me in on that."
"Oh, he is so dead when I see him."
Maybe I shouldn't have let that slip because she may actually strange him. She's being really sensitive with me right now, but I know she wouldn't want me to see her cry. Anytime either of us cried, we went to Kurt. We all knew that Quinn and I did not to tears well. "Now that we've moved past my drama, how are things with you and Rach?"
I could see the eye roll, not a good sign. "Ugh, do not even ask me that. We're kind of fighting at the moment."
"You've been with the girl for 2 days and she's already mad at you? What the hell did you do?"
"Why do you just assume I did something?"
"Because I know you and also you suck at relationships, which is why you don't do them."
"Whatever. She's mad because I'm not out at school and she doesn't want to go back into the closet. Apparently she had a rough time at her old school coming out and she doesn't want to relive the process."
"Did you explain to her that your parents are like biggest Christians in all of Lima and that you'll be given an exorcism if you come out?" We both laughed that the last part, but it really wasn't a joke. I've always been a little afraid for Quinn. If she ever got caught with a girl who knows what would happen.
"No I haven't exactly had the chance. Rachel is a little like Kurt, she does a very good diva storm out."
"Well she and Britt have that in common than because Brittany has done it to me twice already. It's really annoying." I groan.
"What the hell is with us and attracting divas? As if our lives weren't dramatic enough with Kurt around. I swear Mercedes is starting to pick up on Kurt's ways. She called me yesterday from her cruise saying that she was going to die if I didn't give her the latest gossip. She is also convinced she's going to fail all of her classes."
"She's only missing a week of school! Damn. We need to find people who aren't going to die due to lack of information. Hey I have an idea." This earned me the infamous Fabray eyebrow raise. I swear I'm going to shave her eyebrows off one of these days just so she can't do that. "Why don't we go to that club we usually go to a few towns over tomorrow night? We can go with just Britt, Rach, you and me. That way we can all do our thing without worrying about whose around. It will be fun and there will be no pressure."
"Yeah that's not a bad idea. We just have to hope the other two will speak to us long enough to agree to it."
We were both laughing at the unfortunate situation that we were in. Neither of them was really funny, but it was either laugh or start crying. I just hope Brittany agrees to come with us dancing so I can try and maybe explain everything.
A/N Hope you enjoyed it! Review(:
