He waited up again. Just long enough to make sure everyone else had gone to sleep. Why did he want to see her? It made no sense to him. All that he knew is that he wanted to see her, be with her, help her. He didn't waste any time. He went straight into the cockpit without hesitation. The rain was pelting against the windows, almost drowning out the sobs coming from River…almost, not quite. She was as far up in the cockpit as you could go, tucked into a tiny ball. He went down to her, his heart breaking for her. She shouldn't have the pain. She didn't deserve it.
He sat on a crate beside her, placing a hand on her bare shoulder, the feel of her skin against his sending sparks through him. Her teary eyes looked up at him with anguish.
"It's my fault," her voice was so small, vulnerable.
"What is darlin'?"
"Wash…Book. I'm the reason they're dead."
"No, no. Where'd you get that crazy idea from?"
"I know it is. I'm the reason the Alliance came after you and killed everyone at Haven. If I wasn't there, we'd never have gone to Mr. Universe and Wash wouldn't be dead. Don't act like it isn't."
"Why are you sayin' all this?"
"I heard Zoe. She's crying, pleading, breaking. Please make this pain end. All because of me. I'm sorry."
"There's nothin' to be sorry 'bout little one!"
"If Simon had just left me there, none of this would have happened."
"But you'd still be there goin' through hell!"
"I deserve it. Wash and Book didn't."
"You don't deserve it."
"Or maybe…if you had just left me at the Maidenhead…"
"River, look at me."
She looked at him, tears still falling from her big brown eyes.
"What's done is done. I don't blame you for nothin'. Nobody does."
"I do. I'm so sorry…"
The pain in her voice, the tears on her face, it was like a knife going through his heart. He didn't care about anything else. He put his arms around her. She gripped his shirt with one hand, the other wrapped around him. She shut her eyes tightly, letting another tear fall down her face.
"I'm sorry…"
"Stop apologizin' for somethin' that ain't your fault!"
He felt her rigid breathing on his neck. It wasn't her fault. It really wasn't. She thought it was, and it was hurting her…which was killing him. He put his hand on the back of her head, feeling her soft hair.
"This ain't your fault, okay? You gotta know that."
She pulled away, looking at him silently. He put his hand on her face, the other clasping her hand tightly. Her milky white skin was glowing in the moonlight. He could almost see through her white nightgown. He looked away, feeling bad about being attracted to her when she was so vulnerable.
"I blame the Alliance. They had no right doin' what they done to you. Someone like you don't deserve this pain you got. I won't have you hurtin' over somethin' that wasn't your fault."
He didn't even realize he was gently rubbing her face until she put her hand over his. He smiled at her and then put his arms around her again. She hugged him back. The hug went on longer than she thought it would. They were sitting there listening to the rain and their breathing, and they were holding each other. He couldn't even fathom how the Alliance could take River from her home and do all that they did to her. It made him burn with rage. How could anyone do that to another human being? A girl especially. A girl like River especially.
"It's okay," she whispered in his ear, sending chills all over his body. "I'm not angry, and you shouldn't be either."
"What they done to you ain't right. You shouldn't of gone through that."
"But I did. Being angry about it doesn't make anything move forward. Anchor off the side of the boat. Cut the rope, start sailing."
He smiled. How could she be so amazing? She went through hell, and although it hurts, she isn't bitter. He's bitter, very bitter. Why can't he be more like her?
"You're somethin' else, little albatross…"
She smiled and leaned into him just a little bit more. He held her close, trying to keep his hands from exploring her back. He could smell her hair. It was like flowers and fruit. It was more intoxicating than he thought it would be. A sudden crack of thunder made her jump slightly. His grip tightened. They stayed together like that for awhile, holding each other while the storm raged on. It had been raining when they first flew together. He never thought that he'd be holding her like he was.
"Thank you," she said softly.
"For what?"
"You quiet the screams."
She pulled away. Their eyes locked for moment. She started leaning in like she was going to kiss him. He didn't pull away. He waited. She closed her eyes, lips ready. He got his own lips ready for the kiss, but her lips landed on his cheek. He felt stupid for thinking that she'd want to kiss him on the lips.
"Goodnight."
With that, she stood up and walked away into the night. He sat there thinking about what had just happened. Holding her, feeling her, smelling her, it was too much. The room was spinning. He brought his hand to his cheek, feeling the spot where her warm lips had just been. He could almost imagine those lips on his, just like in his dream. His hand on her face, her soft hair…was this a dream? Did he really hold her? Did she really kiss his cheek? He put his hand on his neck. It felt like her breath was still there. He wanted it to be there. He wanted her to come back and be with him. He wanted to feel her skin, her hair, her lips, her breath. He wanted to taste her. This is just moonlight madness, he thought. He had no idea how wrong he was.
