Chapter 7

"Malcolm?" Clara said again, and as she walked into the room, she gave a gasp, looking on in shock as he picked up a handgun from the floor, glared at it and then fixed his angry gaze on her.

"I paid ninety quid for a fucking fake? That shitty little cunt told me it was the real thing!"

Her jaw dropped.

"Why...why do you have a gun?"

He slammed the replica weapon down on the desk as tears filled his eyes.

"I wanted to go out my way – with a fucking big bang! I can't even do that right, because I know fuck all about guns! He ripped me off, it's a fake, a fucking toy!"

Then his anger faded into despair as he walked over to Clara and wiped his eyes, looking utterly lost.

"I'm scared," he whispered, and she drew him into her arms as fear reflected in her eyes...He had been contemplating suicide? She held him tightly, and then as she let go, his tears had dried. They had not been tears of sorrow, but of sheer anger.

"I'm glad it's not a real gun," she told him, "Don't you ever do that to me again! I love you! Did you really want me to come in here and find you with a gun in your mouth?"

"Actually it was at the back of my head."

"Oh great, brains up the wall! Really? You seriously wanted to do that? You're still here, we're still together, why end it now?"

"Because it will end me if I don't make my own choice while I still can, that's why."

Clara looked at him. For a moment she said nothing, and then as she saw the pain reflected in his eyes, she recalled the Doctor's warning, that he would suffer so much pain, unnecessary pain...Malcolm had been through enough...

"I don't care what you think about that watch," she told him, "It's time for you to open it. I can't see you go through any more of this."

His own troubles were instantly forgotten as he shook his head, dismissing her suggestion.

"Fucking time travel fantasies again. I'm in pain, I'm dying and all you can do is talk about a watch? You should hear yourself. You really are fucked up, Clara."

She ignored his angry words.

"I can prove it to you," she told him, "That blue box at the bottom of the garden -"

"An old police box, what of it? Is that some part of your weird fantasy too? Listen Clara, I can handle you watching Sam suck me off - that's a good one, that's a great fantasy to be a part of, believe me I loved it as much as my cock did! But the rest of it.. Time travel? Aliens? No...I can't listen to your crap!"

"It's called a Tardis and I was travelling with him inside it when we were followed by an alien vessel," she said, and Malcolm ran his fingers through his hair, shook his head, looked down at the gun on the desk and yet again wished it had been real.

"And I'm dying, there's your reality. Stop running away from it!"

"I'm not," Clara replied, "And I'm not going to shut up until you listen! He had to change from Timelord to human – he used a device called the Chameleon Arch. He was the first in a new set of regenerations and the transfer was complicated – he said his human version might have problems with cellular mutations, or cell breakdown, does that sound familiar, Malcolm?"

He hesitated, wondering why her far fetched story was making some kind of odd sense...

"You became his human version," Clara continued, "His consciousness is inside the watch – only you can open it. The consciousness inside your mind is some kind of human transfer...I don't know how he did it... But those words? Dalek, Time War? That's something, a trace of him left behind! The rest of it, must have come from what was left after he took a human mind and wiped it somehow...I don't know...He's not here, I can't ask him."

Malcolm stared at her. For once, no profanity could cover this, no smart remark could wipe the conversation out. It sounded crazy and yet there was something...he didn't know what, but suddenly, he needed to know more...

"You said, he. Who the fuck is this guy, Clara?"

"His name is the Doctor."

Malcolm stared at her. Suddenly his mind was cast back to that fateful meeting several years before with Harriet Jones...

"There is a man who has long defended this planet from hostile alien activities. He has links to both UNIT and Torchwood," she had said, "His name is the Doctor, he is an alien..."

Malcolm felt a chill run down his spine as something rang true in a way he couldn't understand. He covered his mouth with his hand as he gave a deep gasp of shock, then he lowered his hand again and just stood there, staring at Clara in utter disbelief...

"She told me," he said in a hushed voice, "Harriet Jones said -"

"Harriet Jones was telling the truth!"

Again, Malcolm got the oddest feeling.

"Tell me some more."

"The old police box? It's so much more! You think it can't open but it can! I'm the only one who can open it because you're in human form! If you open the watch you'll have the Doctor's consciousness again...I know I'm getting through to you, Malcolm, I can see it in your eyes! You know this makes some kind of sense even if you can't explain it!"

He stared at Clara as something at the back of his mind suddenly made no sense at all.

"I can't remember how we met."

"That's because we met on the day you woke up feeling dazed. Remember, you said you felt like you'd kissed me for the first time? That's because you just had."

Malcolm thought back...

"But I know I love you, Clara. It's a fact, it's real, it's as real as I'm standing here talking to you about why the fucking gun didn't go off!"

"The Doctor didn't have time to fully write my history with you. I was just your Clara..."

"But I love you...and you love me too I know you do!"

There was a look in her eyes that was starting to worry him as she blinked away tears and nodded.

"That's right," she said, "And when you open that watch, you're gone, Malcolm's gone forever and the Doctor takes his place."

Everything was making sense, although he couldn't work out why, it just felt like the pieces were slamming into place and making for a horrible picture – one that he would not be in when the final missing part was back...

"I'm dying because the transfer went wrong?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed, feeling as if a door had been flung open and light had come sailing in at long last, "You're not ill... it's the human conversion process breaking down! It always has been!"

Malcolm stepped closer to her.

"I don't know if this is all bollocks and I'm sliding into your fantasy or if I've gone off my head because that gun wasn't real and I'm ready to believe anything – but there's something..."

He placed his hand on her cheek, and as she reached up and covered it with her own, a tear ran from her eye, running warm over their joined hands.

Fear shone in his eyes as he spoke again.

"Okay...so if this is right, if I open that watch...I go from Dark Lord of Downing Street to Timelord? What happens to me, where does Malcolm Tucker go?"

"I don't know," she said as emotion cracked her voice, "I know you become the Doctor again – but your human consciousness is separate...it's something else...which means you don't die but I don't understand..only the Doctor knows."

Malcolm paused, taking his hand from her cheek as he took a step back, silently turning over all she had said. Then he looked into her eyes once more, and his expression was grave.

"The way I see it, I'm dying. I'm fucked either way. But if there's a chance I can survive this we need to get him back because he's the only one who can help..."

"But there's a risk I may never be able to get you back once it's reversed! I'm not a Timelord, Malcolm! I don't have all the answers."

Suddenly all the pain and weakness and sorrow was gone from his gaze, in that moment as he had made his choice, he had indeed found his true self, the man he had been before the pain had chipped away at him.

"We need to get him back," he told her, his voice suddenly stronger as he sounded more like Director of Communications once more, "He's the only one who can help. You need to stop crying, I need to remember I'm Malcolm Tucker and even space and time won't dare fuck with me...And I need to open that watch. You're right, Clara," he took hold of her hand, "Let's open it. We both need the Doctor to come back."


Clara walked hand in hand with Malcolm as they made their way back to the bedroom. As they went inside she turned to him, knowing this would be their final hours together.

"I can take the watch out to the Tardis... the door will unlock for me, we can go inside together. I really think you should be in there when the watch opens...And I think it will be goodbye, too... Don't leave with out saying it properly. I love you so much!"

As she reached for him, Malcolm drew her close, kissing her hard with a passion that seemed to come from the last gasp of the strength left in his body. He was breathless as he drew back from her, then looked into her eyes and said nothing as he he led her over to the bed, pushing her down as he stripped off his robe and then joined her.

As she reached for him he claimed her mouth again, taking her breath away with a deep and lasting kiss that muffled the sound of her cry of urgency as he entered her with a firm thrust, not caring about the pain that ran through his body, not caring that soon everything he understood to be true would be ripped away with the opening of a watch that he still did not understand. Malcolm looked into her eyes, paused to kiss away the tears that had fallen on her cheeks, and then he thrust again, slowly, taking his time, forcing himself to make this last because after this night, everything would be gone...

She clung to him, catching her breath with every movement of his body as their union intensified. He looked into her eyes, took in every detail of her face, as she did to him as she ran her fingers though his hair.

"Fuck the rules of time or space or aliens and watches," he whispered as his lips brushed hers, "I'll always be yours, and you'll always be my Clara. Nothing can change that, believe me...What we have together is bigger than the fucking universe..."

"I'll always love you too, Malcolm Tucker," she vowed, and they kissed again, that kiss lingered, and then her breath was taken away again as he moved against her once more, making slow yet desperate love as they both tried to cheat the passing of time and a destiny that could not be avoided.


It was almost sunrise when they were ready to leave.

Malcolm had changed into a dark suit, as he straightened his tie Clara looked at him and silently reflected that he looked as if he was off to work again, and suddenly she thought back over the past seven years and the life they shared came rushing back at her, making her heart ache.

Then Malcolm turned from the mirror and she saw the shadows under his eyes, noticed how weary he looked, and as he leant on the dressing table and took in a sharp breath, fighting a wave of returning pain, she knew it was time – he had been through enough, this human body was breaking down, he had to open the watch...

"We should go," she said quietly.

"Yes, we should," Malcolm replied, then he took a final glance in the mirror, remembering his own face, recalling who he was and feeling determined that nothing, not even having his own mind ripped out, would entirely destroy him, because he wouldn't allow it...

Then he turned from the mirror and managed to smile as he held on to his new found courage.

"Don't be sad, Clara," he said as he looked into her eyes, "I'm the Dark Lord of Downing Street, it's going to take a lot more than my mind getting ripped out to destroy me – I used to work in fucking politics! Now take me to the Tardis... I think it's time the Doctor had his body back."

Clara nodded, and then she picked up the watch, and Malcolm took her by the hand, leading the way as they left the bedroom together.

As they stepped out into the garden, the sun was rising and birds were singing in the treetops. They said nothing as they walked down the path to the bottom of the garden, where the Tardis sat beneath the shade of a tree.

"Ready?" Clara said quietly.

Malcolm nodded.

"Open the door, Clara," he said quietly.

She gave the door a gentle push, and there was no need for use of the Tardis key as the blue box understood the time had come, and the door opened up easily. Clara stepped inside and Malcolm followed, and the door closed behind them softly.


Malcolm stood there in stunned silence as he looked about the impossible vastness of the ship:

It was all true.

This was a space ship.

It was bigger on the inside.

Time travel too? Very fucking likely.

This vessel looked capable of anything...

"It's real..." he whispered.."It's all true..." as he looked in astonishment at the console and its many controls, then the vast ceiling above it, then as Clara joined him, she looked down at the watch she held in her hands.

"Are you ready?"

Malcolm gave a nervous laugh, shaking his head as he blinked away tears.

"No! How can anyone be ready to do this? Oh fuck it, no. No, I'm not, Clara!"

He drew in a shaken breath and looked at the watch that still rested in her hands.

"Will it hurt?"

"I don't know," she said as her eyes began to glaze and her heart felt already broken, "I know he went through pain using the Chameleon Arch. But once his consciousness is out of that watch, he's here and you're gone...I don't know where you will go to...but I will find out and I swear, if there's a way to bring you back -"

"If there's not," he told her, "Just be glad we had seven years together."

He paused, recalling how her constant presence in his life had made such a difference to what would have been an otherwise lonely existence.

Love shone in his eyes as she clasped her hand, she still held on to the watch.

"I would have a shitty life without you, Clara. And there would have been no one there for me to get me through the worst of it. I'll never stop loving you and what ever part of me survives this, I will never forget you. I really don't think anything could hurt as much as this does, not the pain I've been through, the fear, none of it matters...none of it hurts as much as saying goodbye."

"Then don't," Clara told him as she clung to a faint spark of hope that she knew might only exist in her own desperate heart, "Just keep remembering me and I'll make the Doctor find a way to bring you back, he'll listen to me, he always does. I know there has to be a way...and if he doesn't know a way, he'll find a way, okay? I promise. This is not the end! I love you, Malcolm."

"I love you too," he said quietly, and then framed by the glow of the console room, they leaned closer and shared a last kiss. As that kiss ended, Malcolm stepped back, tugging the watch from her hands.

She looked at him in surprise.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Something daring gleamed in the eyes of Malcolm Tucker as he flashed her a smile.

"No, but who gives a fuck about risk...I've nothing to lose now...See you on the other side...I hope!"

And he opened the watch.

Power swirled, flowing in a fiery fluidity that sought out his body, masses of it rose out of the watch, its glow lighting the room as the power flowed into his eyes, swirled about his body and glowed so bright it started to take over the room. The brilliance of it hurt her eyes as much as the stinging tears that fell as Clara turned away weeping and ran from the console room and out of the open Tardis door.


As Clara stumbled out into the garden, the morning sunrise was bright in a blue sky. But down in the shade, under that tree, the Tardis door was still open and as she turned back, she still saw the unearthly glow lighting from within – the watch was still pouring back into the Doctor, turning him from human back to Timelord. And Clara was still weeping as she ran for the house, reaching the back door and going inside, then closing the door behind her. As she walked through the kitchen and into the hallway, the silence and stillness of the place hit her.

So did the realisation that Malcolm was gone.

Clara went over to the stairs, sat on the bottom step and put her head in her hands and cried as her heart ached and she wished for a miracle that she feared would never come – if opening the watch brought the Doctor back, did that mean Malcolm was gone forever?

It was a question she was yet to ask when the Doctor returned, but as her heart ached with the loss of the man she loved, suddenly she felt as if she never wanted to speak to the Doctor again, because he had just cost her Malcolm, and if the Doctor could not bring him back, she felt sure she could never forgive him for that, because right now, Clara Oswald felt like her heart had been ripped away as that watch had opened..

"You will bring him back to me, Doctor!" she whispered as tears streaked her face, "You have to...I'll make you do it, I want him back!"