Bobby's reaction to the fact Sam had left to Japan for almost three weeks and came back with a newly adopted little girl, a girlish teenager and three suspicious people who didn't exactly feel human to him?
A head slap, followed by calling him an idjit and all but demanding a damn explanation, which was also followed by no less than six more head slaps as Sam sheepishly explained things.
Still, Sam wasn't possessed or bewitched, and none of the books he worked with this "Zelretch" and Waver to translate screamed "demon-dealing witch" to him. More like the weirdest science he had ever heard of.
Meanwhile Gilgamesh and Enkidu promptly went exploring America, complete with fake ID's, Bobby's phone number, and the strict agreement not to use any magic unless someone really, really pissed Gilgamesh off. They also agreed to meet up with Sam at least once a month, just to check in.
Either that, or he'd end up bailing them out by acting as their personal lawyer. Enkidu had his card, just in case and knew to call him the moment Gilgamesh got arrested. Enkidu was too laid back to piss a cop off that badly.
One month, two weeks after the Grail War...
The little girl outside the house was playing with one of her new toys when she saw him. A man who fit the basic description of Dean Winchester, or at least the photo her new father had shown in case she ran into him first.
The man looked dirty, as if he had dug himself out of the ground.
He blinked twice when he saw her playing outside. Almost as if he had trouble believing a child was at her "Uncle Bobby's" house.
Sakura, now Judy, could understand a lot more than most would give her credit for. She understood that no one could know of her original name, or the one she gained while living with Zouken. Her new name was Judy Temperance Winchester, and her daddy was Sam Winchester.
The man went inside, mostly ignoring her outside of the look he gave to her odd hair color. She heard a racket inside, and shouting. Fifteen minutes later, Waver called her inside.
Judy looked at the scene, and noted the mess inside.
Apparently the man had startled Waver in one of the experiments he was usually conducting on his little table (he was very good at keeping his messes to his area) and almost ruined the notes he had made. He was currently pinned to the floor by Bobby and Sam both.
On the side, Zelretch was laughing his ass off.
It took them a bit to confirm that it was in fact Dean, and not some shifter or demon.
That was when Sam gave a rather hurried explanation to his brother, including the fact he now had a niece.
"So let me get this straight. You entered into a tournament against people who were all to happy to kill other participants trying to bring me back or send me to heaven...and somehow came back with a daughter, a new cousin, some sort of vampire and two spirits who can slaughter anything in their path. What the fuck Sammy?"
Sam hooked a thumb at Zelretch.
"He can out-troll the Trickster and has agreed to get him back for the crap that sugar nut pulled on us last time. Judy was from an abusive situation and Waver mostly came out of curiosity on what a Hunter actually does. Though I can tell already I'll have to play damage control when you meet Gilgamesh and Enkidu," deadpanned Sam.
"And Ruby?" asked Dean, remembering how she hung around his brother far too much for his liking.
Sam's face went blank.
"I trapped her in the body she stole and then sent her to the Mage's Association for them to keep as their guest."
"Sammy..."
Zelretch snorted.
"You seemed to be operating under the assumption that he did her a favor. I can tell you right now the second they realize she's keeping that body alive despite the fact it should be dead, they'll put her through the full hospitality of a Magus. Human experimentation is the least of what she'll be going through, never mind what the Church will do once they get wind of her being there. If you think hell is bad, a Magus is almost worse. They can keep her alive with nothing more than a head," said Zelretch flatly.
"Oh. In that case good work Sammy."
"On the plus side, we'll never have to worry about being bored between dry hunting seasons ever again."
"Why?"
"Let me put it this way...remember how you have a criminal record that nearly got us killed because Henrickson thought we were cold blooded murderers?"
"Because of shifters. What of it?"
"Gone."
"Gone? What do you mean gone?"
"I mean I found a legal way to get our records erased to the point we could cross borders or even walk into a police station and not get arrested," said Sam flatly.
"What did you do?"
"It's nothing we haven't done before, and this time we have back up. Did you know the church has an entire group dedicated to doing the same crap we do, except they get actual intel and a budget? Though most of the time it's about people like him, just with less control," said Sam, hooking a thumb at Zelretch who cheerfully waved at Dean.
"What?"
"The Church has a faction called the Executors that go after Dead apostle ancestors who get their notice, or Magi who cross the line. Think the Iscariot group from Hellsing," supplied Zelretch.
"I agreed to work with them in exchange for getting our records wiped and giving us weapons against demons," said Sam. He pulled out a trio of what looked like odd hilts without a blade.
"What are those?"
"Black keys. They're surprisingly effective on demons, vampires...a whole bunch of things that aren't human. I got them while helping out a priest, right before he was murdered."
Kirei hadn't cared if Sam kept the blades. He had his own set, and it helped with the cover that Sam was acting as temporary Overseer until after the war.
Besides no one liked demons, least of all him. Sam had vocally said he was planning to use them on Lilith, the first demon.
Such a monster would need something like a Black Key to insure the deed was done properly.
"So we're working with the Church now?"
"Freelancing whenever the hunts start drying up enough that we get bored, yes. And before you ask, they also agreed to supply us with something to knock you out."
Dean looked at his brother horrified.
"No, no, no... I draw the line at plane travel!"
"I could always dump you off wherever they're sending your brother," offered Zelretch, grinning far too widely for anyone's comfort.
"How do you plan to drop me off?"
"He uses magic to jump across dimensions. He could literally put you in the Marvelverse to meet Captain America and Iron Man and get their autographs," deadpanned Sam.
He wasn't ashamed to admit that he had Zelretch dump him in other worlds to satisfy his own inner fanboy. Though meeting his "future" self from the original timeline had been very disconcerting, especially after what the other Sam had told him about what the angels actually had planned.
He wasn't going to spring that mess on Dean though. He was already suffering from information overload.
Dean looked exhausted.
"I intend to take a shower, get drunk, and then sleep it off. After that then we'll talk," said Dean flatly.
"There's apple pie in the fridge. Help yourself," said Sam. Dean flashed him a thumbs up, before heading upstairs.
Sam was not happy. But then again, no one was.
Some celestial being had woken everyone up by speaking too loudly in a language he was only just now beginning to translate. He kept hearing it in the back of his head (Zelretch blamed his new appendages that he almost never let out), and sometimes they slipped into English enough that he was starting to get the gist of what they were saying.
Anyone who heard a foreign language almost constantly would eventually pick up what they were saying. It would be easier if he had someone to help translate though.
Judy tiredly rubbed her eyes, before Sam coaxed her back to sleep. She curled back up against him, using Sam as a shield from the inevitable nightmares.
Sam was just glad that Zelretch had managed to find a damn good therapist to help her work through the damage Zouken had done...that wouldn't call in the cops once they found out Sam had more or less kidnapped her from an abusive home. To be fair, Zouken never legally adopted her from her father.
Selling children was illegal no matter what country you were in. And he had checked with the local registries and found nothing that proved Zouken had filed the correct paperwork, let alone Tokiomi.
Officially the only one with legal custody of the girl was her mother, since she had never agreed to giving her daughter away in the first place. Though from what he understood she wasn't likely to contest the matter.
"What the hell was that?" demanded Dean.
"Something I have a summoning ritual for, so we can break the nose of whoever woke us up this early," said Sam crossly.
Angel of the lord or not, there was no excuse for Castiel waking up the entire damn house. Not when some of them just went to sleep.
Zelretch, damn him, had returned to his rooms in Clock Tower. Or to another world to annoy someone else. To be fair, he couldn't be seen with them this early on without making it harder.
Waver and Judy could be ignored. A dimension hopping vampire that might blow their real plan out of the water, not so much.
Yet another good thing that Gilgamesh and Enkidu were also not around.
Castiel was in for a bit of a shock once he had his vessel. Dean punched him in the nose, gave him the whole "I'm a badass angel of the lord" speech, and then left.
The next thing that Sam did was have Zelretch dump Dean with his "future" self in the alternate timeline, complete with Castiel when he was a bit more human.
Better for Dean to get the same information Sam did, then to have him scramble like an idiot.
Dean didn't know what he hated more... being stuck in a woman's body to slip past the angels, or having to use magic to get this information.
Some of the things had been averted. Sam wasn't drinking demon's blood. Dean wasn't overly suspicious his brother was going off the deep end. They actually KNEW what the angels really had planned and why. They knew that killing Lilith would bring Lucifer up, which they needed to avoid.
Fortunately, Sam had a solid plan about that issue, one that was already in the works.
He told Gilgamesh about the demon in his garden and that she planned to release the spoiled brat Lucifer. If Gilgamesh barely tolerated humans and pagan gods, he certainly hated demons. They were a nuisance even when he was still alive.
Lilith wouldn't be expecting Gilgamesh or Enkidu, and with Ruby... indisposed...she wouldn't see him coming until after he killed her.
He had more than enough toys to kill her with, once he found her. And he wasn't limited to human means to keeping her around while he did it.
In an alternate world...
Zelretch was grinning wickedly as he held a certain book in his hands. Sam wanted him to teach Judy magecraft so she could be prepared for Zouken. Waver was good enough for the basics, but when it came to protection from a thing like Zouken...well, there was no kill like overkill. Good thing Sam liked dogs.
The chains rattled almost ominously, and the cross on the front of the book shone in an evil glint.
He had to restrain his evil laughter, even if he had to leave another Unison Device for Hayate to inherit.
The idea of giving Judy the Tome of the Night Sky was too funny to resist. The sheer chaos she could cause by unleashing the guardians on some random demon or angel gave Zelretch the giggles.
This was going to be hysterical.
