Extra long chapter ahead. Special acknowledgements to Nightwing1387 and R.J. North for all their recent encouragements and interactions. This fic is starting to get pretty intense.
Peace offering for the long wait? Also, this may be the last update for some time, not too sure. It's a long story and you're gonna be like "wait, didn't you just come out of exams?" but I have exams in about 2 weeks that last for about a month. So, these next 8 weeks are going to be…unpredictable. Please bear with me.
"Are you nervous?"
Robin's question had very good ground. I had been chewing fiercely on my thumbnail for the last four or five minutes and was staring outside of the window quietly. All those things seemed to point out that something was wrong. When I turned to look at him, everyone was looking at me. I stopped chewing on my nail. Was I nervous?
"As hell," I replied.
"Why? It's a well thought-out plan."
I shrugged. "No matter how well thought-out the plan may seem, there's a possibility that this could be a trap and I can't stand the thought that you guys could get hurt."
"That's very sweet, Hyacinth, but that is not important. What's important is that we get Laila Guerreton out," Kaldur said.
"Besides, didn't you say he called you months ago with his sob story? If it was a trap, wouldn't he have set it into motion since then? Why would he come now and ask for help?" Wally asked.
"Perhaps he was giving it time to sink in so I'd feel bad that his mother was in the hospital all this time."
"I don't think so," Artemis said. "As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Wally. If he knew that you were so attached to his mom, wouldn't it have occurred to him that you'd buy it lock, stock and barrel anyway?"
"Perhaps he just thought of it?"
"Would you stop doubting your plan?" Robin said, half-smiling.
"Not my fault. Blame Happy. If it wasn't for him, I'd have iron resolve."
"Hey, it's not my problem if you didn't take the time to think through the whole thing," Happy replied.
"Of course not. It's careless of me. He's completely right. I'm possibly endangering your lives. I should have thought of everything."
"No one thinks of everything," Megan said. "Besides, I've got your back. All I have to do is read his mind and I'll tell you if he's setting us up or not."
"Didn't you say some people can block your powers?"
"Do you think he'd be capable of that?" Kal asked.
"Honestly, is it possible for me to really know what he's capable of? We were friends ages ago. People change. And you can never really know a person."
"Could you quit being a pessimist just this once? If you have no confidence, how are we supposed to?" Robin scolded.
"Force of habit. You know that."
"Well, calm down or else we're all going to mess this up really badly."
I closed my eyes, sat Indian style on my chair and rested my hands on my knees, starting a slow pattern of breathing. "You're right. I have a very capable team. We can do this. I can do this." I breathed in and out slowly fifty times more and then sat normally, opening my eyes.
Kal smiled at me. "Even though you have moved past your phobia, I see you still have yet to deal with the lack of self-confidence," he commented.
I shrugged again. I wasn't sure if to apologise or not so I ended up just not saying anything.
I glanced over at Roy who was just sitting quietly in his corner. In plain clothes, he was awfully hot. He was wearing sunglasses like Robin, as I had expected, though not as dark as his. As if I would ever let him know that I thought he was hot. Looking around me, I realised that I had some of the most comely people I'd ever seen as teammates. Even the Justice League seemed to be made up of some of the most attractive people I'd ever seen in my life. Not even masks could hide that. And, if not for their looks, their personalities seemed to make them beautiful as well.
I wondered if I should harass him just for the hell of it. I quickly shoved the thought away, wishing that I had brought one of my books to occupy myself and take my thoughts.
I realised that as I was undercover, doing work that would fall under Cin's jurisdiction and her mask, I didn't feel the need to pretend. Things felt easier when I was acting as Cin and doing as she would do. Why was that? Why was it that wearing her mask was easier than the one I had to try to maintain while I was being and yet not being Hyacinth? It was only when I was trying to be a hero, when my role and my duty were clear-cut and clinical and predetermined, that I seemed to feel unburdened. That was why my emotions came easily and I did not feel completely inclined to hide them. Either that or this whole issue with Jase and his mom rocked me to the core and threw off my internal sense of order. Had it always been this easy to act as Cin?
When my jaw started to hurt, I realised that I had unconsciously been clenching it. I released it and fished in my pocket for the pack of gum I had bought over the weekend. I came up empty. It was probably in my bag. Which was at base. I groaned.
"What's up?" Robin asked.
"My gum's in my bag."
"You wear dentures?" he joked.
"No, you idiot." I kicked his chair and he kicked mine back. It felt so normal. We ended up chuckling. Yes, somehow being Cin pretending to be someone else was much easier. Or maybe I was the only one who thought that this was hard. It occurred to me that for the past couple days I had forgotten about how much it hurt to be in love with him. And then I wanted to kick myself in the head for willingly remembering.
I smirked at him. "I want some passionate fighting going on between you and Wally, you hear me? Make everyone look. Draw a crowd. Be more dramatic than a Korean drama."
"How do you expect me to know what a Korean drama is like?" Robin protested.
"Think of The Young and The Restless and then add more drama and minus the sex."
"How is it any good then?" Wally commented.
I laughed. "Pervs. The lot of you. Trust me, the stuff is good. It's the right mixture of funny and serious and mush and foreign culture to make it interesting."
Robin chuckled. "Did I ever tell you that you have the oddest interests?"
"You need to learn to be more open-minded. Like, do you know that there are countries of the world where Muslims, Hindus, Protestants and Catholics all live together in peace and harmony? And people of all different colours?"
"You mean like your family?" Megan asked.
I nodded. "Exactly like my family. Although, I don't have any Muslim family. It's so horrible how after the September eleventh incident that people just started thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. Horrible and dumb. All the Muslims I know don't have any compulsions or obligations to go blow up some huge building." I caught myself and face-palmed. "Oh, crap, I'm rambling again."
Kal and Conner cracked smiles and Robin, Megan and Wally just chuckled. "You sound like a public service announcement for anti-discrimination," Robin replied.
"Heh, I guess I am. I hate it. It conflicts with my sense of justice. Stereotyping based on the evils of a few is so unjust that it's revolting."
"We're here," Megan said. "Descending now."
The landing was smooth and when we got out, I stretched. Action time started now.
Jason smiled when I looked in his direction. His black hair was jaw length like he always wore it but he was taller than he'd been when we really knew each other. He was maybe about an inch or two shorter than Superboy but he kept his thin, compact figure. No, 'thin' was the wrong word. Somehow, I knew that under that shirt he was muscles and abs. His complexion was like Artemis' but a shade or two lighter and his features were as angular as I remembered them. Only, he grew into them more now. Now, he was gorgeous.
But, like Happy, he was an asshole which instantly made him less gorgeous.
He started walking over, his stride and expression confident, and just then I wished that he would smack into some part of the camouflaged Bioship.
He didn't. I felt disappointed. "Nice to see you again," he said to me.
"Can't say the same," I replied. "So, the scrubs and the lab coat?"
He pointed in my direction and I turned and saw the bag on the other end of the roof. "Why so business-like? Can't we talk for a moment?"
"We can talk when you die. We've got a job to do."
"Ouch. Would it help if I said that I'm sorry about all of this?"
"Wouldn't believe you anyway. Megan?"
She stepped next to me and her eyes began to glow green. Jason swayed with dizziness, putting a hand out to prop himself up on the wall next to him. After several more seconds, she stopped.
"It's not a trap," she said finally.
"You actually thought that this might all be some elaborate plan to catch you and your team? Oh, please. You guys aren't that important."
Before I could think about it, I punched him in the stomach and turned and started for the stairwell. "Come on. Let's head down. We'll stop by a bathroom so Conner can get changed."
Jason laughed, still doubled over and behind us. "Wow, your punch got better. I gotta watch myself from now on, huh, Hy?"
"I'll be waiting for your signal to bring the Bioship down to the exit," Kal said.
I nodded at him and he got back onto the Bioship. Jason straightened up and started to follow. I rolled my eyes. Like a bitch faking an orgasm, I thought. I knew he wouldn't be that vulnerable to something like that since when I punched him I wasn't even trying to disembowel him or do any serious damage.
"Ladies first," he said, upon catching up to where I was standing.
"Oh, no, you don't. You go down."
He shrugged. "Fine. Suit yourself. If you wanted to watch my butt while I walked away, you could have just said so."
Typically, his joking would have made me chuckle and give some sarcastic response. This time I just wanted to push him down the stairs for his asinine behaviour. Lucky for him, that would hurt my teammates below him and that was the one thing I didn't want to do.
After Conner was changed, I inspected his appearance and nodded. He looked like a nurse alright. "Where's your face mask?" I asked.
"In my pocket," he responded.
"Alright. So if anyone asks, you live in the same neighbourhood which is why you came together. You work in a private practice together but you're good friends of Doctor Shapiro and Nurse Carlton. Your intern, Carter over here," I gestured at Happy, "was brought to you from other friends of yours so he could get a handle on things in a private hospital. You thought it would be a good experience for him to get a look around another real hospital. As soon as you get there, Intern Carter is going to need to use the bathroom and in the meantime, the Doctor and the Nurse are going to take a tour around the second floor. About eight minutes after you guys are in and on your tour, Jason and I will come in and go up to see his mother. After we're on the second floor, we'll give Artemis, Rob and Wally the signal to come in, fighting loudly. Artemis, make it seem like you're trying to make sure that they avoid fisticuffs. Shortly thereafter, we'll cause the heart monitor to report a flat-line and then you guys will come running. You'll close the door, try everything you can then a few minutes later, you'll send us outside and you'll give Ha—I mean Red—the signal to bring up the gurney and then you'll take her to the elevator and give Kal the signal. From there, head to Casualty and then out the door. If the people in there are still there, ask them to go make sure that the ruckus outside isn't getting too serious. Then take her out into the camoed Bioship. Then give us the signal and we'll come down, help separate the arguing threesome and then we'll all exit the building together. Then, into the Bioship and straight to the hospital. It's easy sailing from there. Got it?" They nodded. "Alright, Doctor Avis and Nurse Carlton, off you go."
They left and I felt instantly very lonely. I needed the large group of them to reassure me that they were with me and everything was going to be alright.
Robin, like the damn telepath that he was, seemed to pick up on it. "Calm down. It'll work," he said.
"Yeah, better hope so." It was silent for a while but then I turned to Jason. "So. Anything you want to warn me about?"
He snickered humourlessly. "Brace yourself for when you walk into mom's room. She looks…"
"Different?"
He snickered again. "That doesn't even describe the half of it. Just…brace yourself."
My throat started to tighten as the images of what she possibly looked like started to flash into my head. I shut my eyes, willing them away and I purposely started going over the Charlie the Unicorn video in my head. Once it was done, I reopened my eyes and I noticed that he was staring straight at me. It reminded me of the way he used to look at me after we stole sugar from the sugar jar. Like we were comrades, partners in crime, friends. Best friends. Only that wasn't true. We weren't friends. Not anymore.
I stood from my half-leaning position on the wall and started pacing. Jason's eyes followed me as I walked up and down.
He sighed, then turned to my teammates. "So, hey, I'm Jason. And you guys are?"
"Don't even try digging for information, Jason," I interrupted.
"I'm just trying to pass the time and be friendly here. Not everyone is as poisoned by your beef, you know."
"I wouldn't have beef if you weren't such a bastard."
"What was I supposed to do, Hyacinth? Let her die?" he snapped. He closed his eyes, pinched his nose bridge and took a couple of breaths before reopening them. "Look, you may not agree with my methods but your parents are fine. You guys have got some money in case something happens to you or your sister or one of them. You have two parents that work so that if one ends up in a bad place, the other can use their salary to bail them out. Before you judge me and what I've done, remember that my bastard father ran out on us and my mother's parents can't help us because they're pensioners with meagre savings. Mom had no savings. Rather, she spent what little she could rake in to get me to stay in school and pay for our living expenses. I had nobody to turn to. So just think of that before you pretend you've got any right to judge me. You leave school, go on missions with your little miniature Justice League then go home to your parents and hot meals and family. I go home and I've got nothing. Nothing but that lonely apartment and my necessity. I go home and, though I'm dead tired and just want to sleep forever, I've got to get myself something to eat or else I starve. Think of that next time you're ready to start laying your self-righteous bullshit on me. Live in my shoes one day and see if that sense of justice of yours survives one night. That precious system that you like to defend so much is failing people like us."
For a moment, I didn't know what to say. I was quiet. I felt like I was the bad guy here. I was condemning someone who was dealt a bad hand from the very beginning.
Just for a moment. A moment later, the rebuttal came screaming. A moment later, I remembered the thing I told everyone: you made your own luck. "I won't fall for that pathetic excuse, Jason. Because you knew us. And you knew that we would help you, no matter what."
"Kind of like how you were so quick to help me out now?"
"This is different. I offered you a way out months ago and you rejected it. If you had just called from the very start, my parents wouldn't have hesitated for a second about dealing with everything." I stopped pacing, stared him straight in the eyes. He looked away for the tiniest fraction of a second. "And don't you dare pretend to know me and my family."
"You make it sound like I'm missing piece of the puzzle."
"And suppose I say you are?"
"Then I'd like to know. Enlighten me."
"Sorry, but that phase of our relationship has passed."
I started back pacing, but slower this time, not feeling the previous nervousness that I was feeling before but feeling as upset as this conversation was making me. His eyes never left me.
"I'll make it up to you," he mumbled.
"Oh, what was that?"
"I said I'll make it up to you. I'll do everything I can to make you forgive me."
"Are you acknowledging that you messed up?"
He ran a hand along his face. "God, Hyacinth, is that what you want to hear me say? Yes, I messed up. I messed up big time. My whole life has been nothing but mess ups and screw ups and pain and vexation. Are you happy?"
I stopped pacing again and just looked at him for a few moments. "No, I'm not happy. When I consider how things turned out, I can't be happy."
"What do you mean—"
Megan's voice in our heads cut him off. "We're going up to the second floor now."
"Alright," I replied. "We're heading to the hospital now."
"Christ, how does she do that?" Jason asked.
"Come on. We've got to go."
We started walking as fast as we could to the hospital and in three minutes flat, we were at the entrance. My heart started hammering in my chest. I let Jason lead the way. We went to the front desk.
"Oh, hello, Jason," one of the young nurses said to him with a smile.
"Hi, Darlene."
"Here to see your mom as usual?"
"But of course."
"Oh, who's this?" she asked, giving me a brief look.
"This is my girlfriend, Victoria."
She seemed slightly unhappy about that for a split second before she covered it up. Had I been any less sharper than I was, I would have missed the look. "Oh, hi. Nice to meet you."
I elbowed Jason. "He's just kidding. We're not dating. Actually, I'm his cousin."
This seemed to appease her. "Oh, okay. Always a kidder, this one, right?"
"That he is."
"Well, alright, I don't want to keep you."
"Later, Darlene," he said, waving and leading me away.
"Uh, bye," she said, waving back.
"What was that about? That girl was totally giving me the death glare when you mentioned I was your girlfriend," I said when we started up the stairs.
He smiled. "That's Darlene. I might have been leading her on."
I scoffed. "Well, no surprise there."
"Jealous?"
"Not even slightly."
He chuckled. "How disappointing."
On the second floor, after I mentally sent the signal to Artemis, Robin and Wally, we went to the nurse's desk and Jason checked in with the nurses again. They seemed to greet him with less enthusiasm than Darlene. Since the girl was already working in the hospital, I figured that she was some type of cougar. I also wondered if all Jason had been doing to the girl was leading her on.
"Brace yourself," he mumbled to me as we stopped in front of her door nearby to the nurse's station. I took a breath and he opened the door.
He waited for me to step inside and I did, feeling like the cold of the hospital was strangling the heat and the life out of my skin and like the environment itself was evil and harming me. Which should have been dumb because hospitals were places where people were often saved, places I should have been comfortable in because my parents worked in one. But something told me that the circumstance under which I was a visitor was causing the feelings of discomfort.
He closed the door behind himself then started walking in before me. For a moment, I was stuck at the door. I propelled myself forward behind him.
"Hi, mom," he said as he approached her bedside.
My breath caught in my throat as I set eyes upon the woman in the bed. The once strong, upright, honest, kind, caring and hardworking Laila Guerreton lay in the bed before us both, looking as withered as a flower in the April sun that hadn't been watered all day. The emotion hit me with about as much force as a bus. Suddenly, I was so scared for her that I could hardly stand to be in the room. I wanted to bolt like a scared squirrel.
I wasn't sure exactly how long I had been standing there, frozen by the look of the now weakened Aunt Laila, but after what felt like an hour, Jason half took my hand in his. I turned and looked at him. His expression was gentle, similar to the one that he had shown me when he had warned me earlier but much, much more melancholy. It reminded me of how someone looked at a lost child just as they were about to reunite them with their mother. I felt like that scared, lost, spooked child.
It was strange, the way I could watch scary movies and bloody scenes of death and crime scene photos and not so much as flinch but when I was confronted with the sight of a loved one on a bed, comatose and dancing on the brink of death, I wished to be able to return the sight like an ill-fitting garment and never have to see it again.
"Ready?" he asked.
I couldn't do much more than nod. He stuck the disrupter patch behind the machine and it flat-lined. He squeezed my hand, and I forced myself to run out the door. Megan and Conner were supposed to be waiting by the nurse's station by now, pretending to consult some files and waiting for me.
"Help!" I screamed, almost at the top of my voice as I got through the door. "We were just in there, talking to her and—and—she—" I pretended to choke up, "—she flat-lined."
Megan and Conner ran into the room behind me, closing the door behind them.
"Are there cameras in this room?" Megan asked.
"No," Jason replied.
"Good. Let's just wait a few more minutes."
We all just stood there, around her bed. The three of them started looking from one to the other but I kept my eyes fixed on the vinyl flooring, looking up only a few times at Megan and Conner.
"Hey, Hy, are you okay?" Conner asked.
That question again. I took a breath, unclenched my hands which I hadn't before realised were clenched and exhaled. "Yeah, I'm doing okay." I looked at Jason who had his eyes fixed intently on me and was infinitely calmer than I. He had already probably come to terms with the scene before him. "Is it time yet?"
"Yeah, it's time," Megan replied. "You guys got to go outside and keep the nurses occupied."
We nodded and then headed out the door. We started heading towards the nurse's station but a few feet away from it, Jason slumped to the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably.
"No!" he shouted. "No! She can't leave me! No! She can't die! Now I have nothing! Nothing!" He yelled in anguish and I was wondering where the hell all his theatrics were coming from. I knelt next to him and pulled him into an embrace, trying to make the nurses as distracted as possible.
"It's okay, Jase. It's okay. She's in a better place now," I said, thickening my voice with emotion and making it sound like I was just moments away from crying myself.
"No! I don't want to hear that! There was no place better than here with me! She deserved to live! She deserved it more than most people! She worked so hard!"
One of the nurses came up behind me and rested a hand on my shoulder. "Excuse me, young man, but please calm down. You're making a racket in the hospital," she said but not unkindly.
"That's all you care about, isn't it?" he lashed out. "You care about your blessed hospital silence. You couldn't care that my life is now condemned to your wretched silence because the only person in my family that I had left is gone! Damn all of you and your damned silence!"
"Young man, calm down. I'm very sorry for your loss but you've got to think of the other patients."
He burst into sobs, burying his head in my shoulder and didn't say another thing to her. After minute, I looked at her. "Um, maybe you should let him grieve for a moment. C-can you get him a glass of water please?"
She gave him a pitying look and then nodded and started walking off. Conner started jogging in the direction of the elevators then shortly came back with a gurney.
"Nurse Carlton," one of the elder nurses called. He stopped and watched us.
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Why didn't Doctor Avis request the defibrillator?"
Somehow I had been anticipating the question. While we had been walking in silence to the hospital, it had occurred to me that the question would come up. I piped up with my reply.
"Aren't you even aware of Laila's condition?" I said accusingly. "You use that thing on her and those clots near her heart with go right into it and she'll still be dead. What is wrong with you people?"
The nurse looked from me to Conner and Conner nodded. He proceeded into the room and as Jason grew still, we stayed there, squatting in the floor, looking like the picture of grief and agony. A few minutes later, they were rolling her out of the room and towards the elevator.
Megan sent Kal the mental signal to bring down the Bioship.
"Just a little longer," Jason muttered into my shoulder.
I nodded and rubbed his back, feeling like a criminal. It was odd. I was one of the good guys and somehow stealing a patient from a hospital still felt awfully wrong. I reminded myself that she needed this, that this wasn't a good place for her to be. That seemed to quell the guilt a little.
Four and a half minutes later, just as my leg was starting to tell me that I needed to get up before it fell asleep, Jason, released me and started to stand. He staggered and I stood and helped him up. With my arm still around his back and helping him place some of his weight against me, we started towards the staircase.
"I've got to tell her goodbye," he said to me purposefully.
I nodded and we started slowly walking towards the stairs.
At the bottom of the stairs, we could see the crowd gathered in a circle and the loud commotion. I almost smiled.
"You can't ever be the one she wants! And don't you have any common decency? Our mother's in the hospital and you start a fight with me about this? I knew she shouldn't have adopted you!" Robin shouted.
"Say that again and I'll make sure I'm the only kid she has!" Wally yelled back.
"Stop fighting! You know she loves you both! And you've got it wrong! It wasn't his fault that she fell! It was mine!" Artemis interrupted.
I wanted to stay there and watch how this would play out but I knew that we had a mission to complete. I looked at Jason whose face was no longer crumpled in fake agony and we started pushing through the crowd.
"Fellas, this is a hospital!" I shouted at them. "If you're going to fight about your petty nonsense, take it outside! There are grieving people here that deserve better than your squabbling and irreverence!"
They both looked at me, feigning a stunned expression by my speech, and I grabbed Wally by the arm and started dragging him out of the hospital. Jason grabbed Robin's arm and did the same while Artemis followed. We made our way all around the hospital and started looking for the Bioship. Kal opened the door and we climbed in.
Aunt Laila was on a bed coming out of the wall and Megan morphed back into her original form and retook her seat in the captain's chair. Everyone took their seats and then I turned to Jase who was the only other person besides myself not yet seated.
"Are you sure you're coming?" I asked Jason.
"You're not expecting me to stay here while you whisk my mom off to Happy Harbour, are you?" I just stared at him. "I'm not leaving her."
"At least there's one person you're loyal to."
He rolled his eyes. "Hyacinth, you keep this up and I'm going to start using some words I'd rather not use around my mom."
I lifted my hands in surrender. "I didn't expect you to stay here while we've got her. I just wanted to make sure you understood the implications of coming with us. Just sit down."
He sat and after everyone was strapped in, Megan began the journey to Happy Harbour with the ship still in camo-mode.
There was silence for a few minutes, during which I was trying to get myself unwound. So far I wasn't having much success.
"Hyacinth." I turned towards Kaldur. "Congratulations on your first successfully directed mission." He offered me a smile and I couldn't return it.
"Thanks. Let's just hope surgery's successful or else all of this would have been in vain."
"Always with the heavy," Robin commented.
"Yeah, she's always been like that. Can't celebrate the small victories for very long. Or have you always been one to celebrate small victories? Either way, you've always been the one who worries that everything will go to hell. You could swear that everything that's ever come your way was bad," Jason threw in, half-smiling, chair half turned towards me.
I looked around and was amazed that everyone fit in the ship. I shrugged and turned and looked out the window. I could feel Jason's eyes on me. I felt when he looked away.
"So, hey there. I'm Jason but that's obvious. And you guys are?"
"Not interested in exchanging names," Happy said. I wanted to leap across the Bioship and kiss Happy. I mentally gave him ten points for his response.
Jason chuckled. "Something tells me that you and Hyacinth are exactly the same kind of hot-tempered fireball so you don't get along very well."
I kicked his chair. "Why are you so cheery?" I asked.
"I get to see you again and my mom's on her way to salvation. Why shouldn't I be cheery?"
I rolled my eyes. "I wish Zatanna were here."
"Why's that?" Artemis asked.
"Then she could shut him up."
"You missed me, that's all. You're trying your hardest to hide it and you're being mean to me to hide it," he quipped. "I admitted that I'm happy to see you. Why can't you just admit the same?"
"Because I'm not happy to see you. You're forgetting where we stand. You and I are not friends. In fact, when you look at the bigger picture, you're our enemy and the exact same thing that we fight to protect people against. You should be a little wearier of the fact that everyone in this ship with the exception of your comatose mother would love nothing more than to throw you into jail so you can stop being the bane of our very existence."
The interesting part of all of this was that, somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that we were enemies. For a while, I had started to feel comfortable next to him. I mentally scolded myself and reminded myself that I couldn't for a second forget again.
Another part of me asked why I was condemning him. It wasn't entirely his fault. He had been sort of right earlier when he reminded me that things were bad for them and that the system was failing people like him. He just did what he thought was the immediate solution. But the fact remained that we had been a legitimate option. My parents and I would have run to help him at the first call. Nonetheless, wasn't he entitled to that Christian forgiveness I was supposed to strive towards in the journey to becoming a better person? What did I gain from keeping him at a distance? Absolutely nothing.
But that wasn't true. I didn't gain nothing. Saving his mother and working together on one mission didn't mean that he was automatically the good guy again. Keeping him at a distance ensured that if he struck again as a member of the wrong side, I could protect the people who mattered to me and that I would have no qualms about bringing the hammer down on him.
But the only person who suffered from the tension of continuing to condemn him would probably be me. I would have to suffer with feeling wound up and being untrusting and fighting this feeling of familiarity that came on now that we were connected by our collective trauma at Aunt Laila's state. Because the trauma did connect us. She was someone that the both of us cared for deeply. Our common past and this common sadness were making it all the harder to fight the feeling of camaraderie that I was experiencing now that I was around him once more. He had always had that effect on me. I was never able to stay mad at him for too long. He had been my best friend. We had always found some common pleasure in mischief or gaming or watching anime or the like. He was the friend that I couldn't find in Tanya because she and I had such different interests.
Granted, it was fun having a friend that was different from you but, occasionally, you needed one who would do things with you. And now that she had Stephen and I was trying to block out the whole damn world, I had to admit that things were getting a little bit lonely on the inside. Not that I had noticed it before. Before, I had let myself get too caught up in the rat race that I had created for myself to notice a thing like my real feelings. Because that had been the intention in the first place. Now, when I had the time to reflect on it, I understood that there was a tiny surge of loneliness amongst the sore, tired muscles that I continued to push to give me more. And tonight, I had to make sure to go out and make sure no little old ladies were being attacked. I continued to push and push and push and push. I wondered when my body would give out and I wouldn't be able to move. I imagined it would still be some way off because it hadn't been much more than a week.
"Hy, I think if you stare at the glass any harder, it will melt," Jason said.
"It's not glass," I said quietly.
"It's not?"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
"Something that's not glass."
He chuckled. "Well, you don't say." I glanced at him for the briefest of seconds then returned my gaze to the outside world. "Dollar for your thoughts."
I scoffed. "A hundred pennies?"
"That's right. It's worth that much. Come on. Talk."
"Can't you leave silence alone for just ten minutes?"
He laughed. "That's rich. You're the one who can't stand silence."
"Lately I've learned to fall in love with it."
"With silence? What the hell happened to you?"
I turned to him. "What do you mean by that?"
"The only reason I can think of that you would want silence would be if something happened to you? Is it related to that conversation we had earlier when you mentioned that someone else had tramp—"
"I'll tell you later if you'll stop asking questions and let me think for now," I said quickly.
He shot me this look like he knew I was hiding something from my teammates and then nodded. "Alright. Later. I'll hold you to that."
"Please do," I said with an edge of sarcasm. "Then you'll see what honesty and loyalty look like."
"Hey, lighten up a little. We both know that you've already forgiven me and that if you keep this up, your face will get wrinkly and ugly."
I chuckled. "You know what they say about assuming."
"It makes an ass of you and me. Sure. Doesn't change the fact that I'm right."
"Didn't we have an agreement where you would shut up and I would tell you something later?"
"Alright, alright. I'll zip my can."
The Bioship got silent and I started reciting in my head a passage from Chaucer that I had memorised to avoid being able to think. Thinking always got me in a mess. When I completed it, I started it from the top and started trying to translate it into Spanish.
"Hey, blondie, is it okay if I ask your name?"
I realised that he was talking to Artemis and had to resist the urge to drive a stake through his heart, Buffy-style.
"What did I just tell you?" I asked, peeved.
"I'm not talking to you."
"I'm not deaf and my explicit instructions were for you to stop asking questions."
"When was the last time you played Unreal Tournament?"
"What?"
"When was the last time?"
"I dunno. Ages."
"That's why you're so tense. You need to shoot something."
"Had I a gun, we could resolve that right now."
"You wouldn't kill me."
"Kill does not equate with shoot."
"Chances are I'd bleed to death before we got to the hospital."
"Megan, how long till we land?"
"Three minutes," she replied.
"Thank you. Thank God."
There was some silence and then Jason did exactly what I was expecting him to after I realised that I'd mentioned her name.
"So your name is Megan?" he asked her.
"Er, yeah."
"Got a last name, Megan?"
"She's got better: a boyfriend who will smash your face in," I cut in.
"Stop interrupting me when I'm trying to fraternise with my new allies."
"Who said we were allies?"
"I'm your spy. I assume that means we're allies now."
"There you go assuming again."
"Guess that makes me an ass."
"We already knew that."
"Makes you an ass, too."
"We already knew that, too."
And then I remembered that I had to call my parents. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialled my mom. She answered on the second ring.
"Yeah, baby?"
"We're about two minutes away," I responded.
"How's Laila's condition?"
"Stable. The Bioship is sustaining her."
"Oh, wow. Some ship."
"Yeah. If you didn't have to go deal with her, I'd make you come sit in it."
"Ooh, and I would have loved to. Are your friends around?"
"Yeah."
"Can I say hi?"
I put the phone on speaker. She was like one of those parents who wanted to adopt everyone's kids and make them part of her family. It was cute. "Go ahead."
"Hi, kids."
"Hi," they chorused.
"Say hi, Happy," I told him.
"Why?" he questioned.
"Just say hi, you insufferable tush."
"Er...hi."
"There's an unfamiliar voice," my mom observed. "Who's that?"
"Call him Happy," I responded.
"Roy," he stressed. "Call me Roy."
"A new teammate?" she asked.
"Not exactly. I'll have to clue you into the sitch later," I responded.
"Hi, Roy, it's nice to meet you."
"Hi, Aunt Harlene," Jason threw in. "I've missed you."
There was silence for like a second then there was a difference in mom's voice. "Jason Alexis Guerreton. We need to talk."
Jason seemed to realise that he was in trouble. "Is it something Hy hasn't already screamed at me for?"
"Screamed at you?"
"She doesn't know about this," I mouthed to him, gesturing in a circle at the whole situation.
"For...not calling sooner," he explained. Half truth at best.
Mom laughed. "Yes, she's becoming a real dragon, isn't she?"
"Yes. Yes, she is."
"Um, so, yeah, we're landing now," I cut in, seeing the hospital a stone's throw away from my window.
"Alright. We're coming to the roof. Bye, honey. Bye, kids."
"Bye," they chorused again.
There was silence for about four seconds before it was broken again. "So that's your mom that you'd trade every ounce of your blood for," Happy said.
"Yup."
"She seems nice."
"You'd like her. I've never met anyone that didn't like her and wasn't a complete and total asshole. The only people that don't like her are people who enjoy doing the wrong thing. She calls 'em as she sees 'em."
"Speaking of which, how come she doesn't know about...me?" Jason asked.
"I'd rather not get her involved."
"You feel that way about her and you can't understand why I've done what I have?"
"Never said I didn't understand. I just really don't approve."
"Never wanted your approval. Just your help."
I just looked at him with a solid expression as the door to the Bioship opened. Megan disconnected Aunt Laila from the bed and the oxygen mask from the ship and levitated her out of the ship and onto the gurney that was waiting outside with the team of nurses who connected her to oxygen and an I.V. immediately and took her to the rooftop elevator.
"O.R. one immediately and quickly. Be careful with this one. Sheridan will instruct you when you get there," mom said to the nurses. They hurried off at her instruction and when we climbed out of the Bioship, she started sharing kisses to my teammates who gave her an appreciative hug.
"You must be Roy," she said to him. She hugged and kissed him anyway. He looked like he didn't know how to refuse her. When she came to Jason, she gave him an extra long hug and rubbed his back a few times. "I'm so sorry about your mom, sweetheart."
"Yeah, me, too. But she's in capable hands now," he replied, half smiling at her. She took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead. He looked unsure and somewhat guilty as if he hadn't been counting on her to still love him like she used to. It was obvious that Jason had been so mistreated by the world that he wasn't sure of anything at all.
"We must get back to base," Kaldur said to both us and her. It was obvious that Jason was staying.
"Alright, be safe," mom said to them. "I have to go help Sheridan." She came, took my hand and squeezed it.
"So, what, I get no hug and kiss, too?"
She chuckled. "I've got to get to work, Hy. I'll see you later."
"Ah—I can't believe this treatment!" I whined.
"See you later, difficult child of mine."
"Yeah, bye, mom. Go be amazing."
She started down the stairs next to the elevator and Jason followed. We all climbed back into the Bioship and headed for the Cave to report our mission outcome.
"Is it just me or did your mom get more beautiful since the last time we saw her?" Wally asked.
I chuckled. "I dunno. I think the same thing every time I see her." I tried not to remember that the last time that they had seen her was for my birthday-slash-prom. I remembered anyway. I wasn't sure if my present circumstances ruined that memory for me.
Batman met us in the atrium and after a quick report on the mission and mentioning that Jason was at the hospital with his mom and that we had put trackers on both, he gave us a flat 'good job' and dismissed us. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I needed some loud music, some embroidering and some food to pep me back up. But first I had to go to rugby. Begrudgingly, I mentally prepared myself for some more pounding. My body was still slightly sore from training that morning. I had brought this upon myself anyway. There was nothing I could do but accept that.
After an hour of rugby, I had a shower and dragged my tired, sore, exhausted butt home. I checked my email after I changed, glanced at my Facebook Wall for about two minutes, then set my iTunes on shuffle and turned the music up loud. January was watching TV and wouldn't much be disturbed by me and my bad singing.
The first song was ironic and I got the idea that the program was spiting me. But I was singing along with it anyway.
"Now you're just somebody that I used to knooooow!"
The next one wasn't much better either. "Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could."
Or the next one. "You're looking at the ghost of me!"
Or the next. "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do. A total eclipse of the heart."
Or the next. "I will run and hide till memories fade away. And I will leave behiiiiind aaaaa love so strooo-ooong!"
It was my life in musical form. It was annoying. No, it wasn't. Who was I kidding? These songs were reflecting my life but they were all songs that I loved. Irony be damned.
"And I'll never let this goooo. But I can't find the words to tell youuuuuu. I don't want to be aloooooone. But now I feel like I don't know youuuuu."
"Un-break my hearrrrrt. Say you'll love me agaaaaaaiiiiin."
I was so enveloped by my own pain and misery and the music and revelling in the moment where I would shed my mask and just feel and sing and gesticulate around my room as I sang that when the figure flew through my window and into my room, I jumped and nearly screamed my head off.
Realising that I was about to scream my head off, Robin put his hand over my mouth. "Don't scream. It's just me," he said.
After a few more seconds of trying to get my heart out of my throat and back into my chest cavity, I nodded and he removed his hand.
He smirked at me. "Tanya was right. You can't sing at all."
"I can sing badly in my room if I want. And were you trying to kill me?"
"Not my fault you were caught unaware."
"Yes, it is! You came through my window again, because you seem to have something against front doors, and just jumped me when I'm in my room, not expecting anyone at any time! I'm going to start locking my window if you don't stop doing that."
"You never had a problem with it before."
"You never used to come through my window quite so often before."
"Didn't I?"
"No." I wanted so very badly to tell him that I didn't want to talk about this but I knew it was time to put up that titanium mask again. "Hold on." I went to the computer and paused the music. The silence that followed for the next minute helped my ears to adjust. I sat on my bed and just looked at Robin for that one silent minute.
It was amazing how fantastic he looked for someone who just came through my window. His hair was windswept but in a completely cool way that served to remind me of exactly how gorgeous he was. He was in his usual attire: hoodie, jeans, sneakers, shades. It wasn't boring. It was both refreshingly and annoyingly familiar. That's what happened when you were trying to be a different person while everyone, including the person you loved, stayed more or less the same and seemed to make it their business to be around you like nothing ever happened. Familiar became refreshing as you tried to paddle through the new darkness within you but since it reminded you of what you lost and what you were trying to replace, it became an annoyance.
"So, are you going to say something, like tell me why you're here or are we going to just stay here in silence?" I asked.
"I came to see you."
I rolled my eyes. "Well, gee, thanks for clarifying that. I thought you were looking for January and just happened to come through the wrong entrance. Not that a window is, by any means, considered an entrance."
"Is the sass really necessary? I came because I was a bit worried about how you were."
I took a breath, closed my eyes, exhaled, reopened them. I ran a hand across my face and then patted the spot on the bed next to where I was sitting. After about three seconds, he came and had a seat but I didn't look at him.
"I'm sorry. Things are getting a little too crazy for this one girl to handle."
"That's why I came. I had a feeling that you wouldn't be in such good shape after all this drama. But you don't have to try to handle all of it by yourself, you know. That's what you have friends for."
I turned to him. "Like you?" Somehow, when it came out, it sounded a little bit like a bitter challenge. To my ears, it sounded almost accusing, like I was pointing out to him how much of a bastard he'd been lately. Because he had been. There was no way to deny that.
He didn't answer immediately which led me to think that he thought it sounded like an accusation, too. I exhaled audibly and looked away again. "Look," I said, "thanks for the pep talk but this is something I've got to deal with alone."
"No, you don't. Come on. Talk to me."
I shook my head, still not looking at him. "I need to deal with this or else I won't be able to deal with anything."
"Is this some sort of self-sufficiency thing?"
"You could call it that."
"It's pointless to torture yourself when you could use some support, Hy."
"And it's pointless to burden people with troubles that may not have anything to do with them."
"That's what friends are for."
"Yeah, well, I think I'd rather not invoke that particular part of friendship."
"I'd ask what's been going on with you lately but I suspect that you won't tell me that either."
"It occurred to you that I was acting strange?"
"Are you going to try to deny it or are you surprised that I have eyes in my head?"
I wanted to blow up at him and start shouting but it occurred to me that I had nothing to shout about. I had asked because I was surprised that he had even noticed it in the midst of his complete and total immersion into all that was Zatanna and his new fancy for her.
I put on a smug look, trying to hide everything under that nonchalant, mysterious mask that I was putting into practice, and looked at him. "Which do you think it is? I'm curious as to whether you think I'm a liar or a condescending bitch."
"I didn't mean—"
"Of course you didn't. You didn't mean any of it." Not the kisses, not the hugs, not the several professions of how important I was or that we were best friends or that we'd always remain best friends. Suddenly, the whole concept of a best friend seemed pointless and ridiculous to me. If my experience was anything to go on, all best friends did was renege on promises, hurt you, use you and then turn their back. And then when they needed a doormat again, they either called or came through your window. Confidante, my ass.
Robin sighed and stood. "I'm sorry I barged in. I'm sorry I came. Bye."
He started heading for the window again but before I had even consciously made the decision, I grabbed his hand and stopped him. My conscience knew that I couldn't let him leave like this. My mask was broken. Either by Jason or Zatanna's appearance or Aunt Laila's situation or all of the above. My emotions, bitterness and fear and instability, were leaking through.
I was going to tell him everything, about how he hurt me, about how I was scared for Aunt Laila, about how seeing Jason again and having to work with him and having him in such close proximity to everything in my life was nerve-racking, about how much I resented the fact that Zatanna had so easily taken him from me, about how not-together I was. I was going to confess everything. I had to do it now. It was time to fess up. Almost.
I realised that while I just wanted to come clean, I couldn't. Not yet. This was not his burden to deal with. I was put in this situation for a reason. For all my faith, I was not a person that believed in coincidence. I believed that everything happened for a purpose. I believed that strength came through testing, through walking through fire, like a sword is fired to make it strong.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm…in such a mess and you always come to me whenever I'm a mess and trying to keep it together so I bite your head off because it makes me feel better. This always happens. It always has, ever since the day we met and I'm not okay with that. I don't know what your whole life is like but knowing what I do, I know that you don't deserve to have me throwing all my crap and bad energy at you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" The pain in my chest felt awful, like a slightly toned down version of what I had felt the day he had decided that it would be better for us to just be friends. The craziness was eating me from the inside out. But I had to survive it. When I was in a better position to talk, when I had already grown strong enough to deal with my demons and overcome them, then I would talk to him and let the catharsis take place. If I couldn't deal with this, how was I supposed to maintain living two lives?
I cleared my throat. "You should leave before I, uh, say anything else I'll regret."
His expression became tenderer. "Hy, I don't want you to endure whatever you're going through alone. I want you to talk to me. I don't want you getting lost in whatever is eating you because, well, because I can't stand that. I hate to think of you hurting. It's why I always show up when I think you're having a hard time. Can't you trust me with what's bugging you, like you used to?"
I scoffed humourlessly. "I think we both know that nothing is like it used to be. Everything's becoming more and more intense. And I need to rise to the challenge or else I don't belong amongst you and the team. I'm lucky to have you as a friend and I thank you for your concern but let me deal with the noise in my head. I've just got to. Can you understand that?"
He stared at me for a long moment before he nodded. He pulled on my hand and I stood and he pulled me into his arms. "Yeah, I think I can understand." He held me tightly for almost an entire minute. I wanted so badly for him to not let go. As always, it was still so easy for me to just melt in his arms. Despite everything, they still felt warm and happy and safe. They felt like a place that robbed you of your defences because you didn't need them. They felt like a place where it was absolutely okay to just fall to pieces because they would keep you together until after the moment of confession when you were stronger. I could feel the words that I wanted to say on the tip of my tongue. How easy would it be for me to say to him again 'I love you'? Too easy.
He let go of me and stroked the side of my head. "But, if you change your mind, just call me, okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for coming to see me. See you later."
"Yeah. Bye. See you tomorrow."
I nodded again and watched him leave the way he came. Every time he went out my window, I worried for him just a little. But I knew he wasn't the type to put himself in a situation that he was not prepared to handle.
I clicked the stop button and pressed play, hoping that my playlist would spit out a new selection that would confound the mess of feelings and inspire a little strength and optimism. What I got was Safetysuit's 'Let Go'.
But perhaps that was the inspiration for strength that I needed. Because as I listened to the song that I was already very familiar with, I realised that there was so much truth in it and that it meant so much more now that it could relate to something so obviously powerful in my life at the moment. Perhaps it was time for me to let go. Not like the half-hearted attempt I had given it when I was trying to resist my feelings for him before we stated dating. I had to give it a whole-hearted attempt. Before this week, I believed that I was really trying at it and doing rather well. I was happy for him. But now, with all this confusing mess, it was counterproductively bringing forth all the dark feelings within me.
This time I had to let go. And if I was letting go of the pain that Robin had caused, and the feelings that I had for him that were trapping me, I had to let go of my grudge against Jason for what he had done. If I was going to let go, I had to let go of all of it. I couldn't let go of some of the tension and keep some. It all had to go.
After the song, I turned off the PC and went to bed.
So tell me something.
Also, cookie for anyone who can name all the songs off the top of their head without Googling it.
