Another chapter! I know you all want to see the actual meeting between E&C happen, but there are a few other elements that need our attention before we can throw these two together again, like for instance the fact that Christine is still engaged to everybody's favorite fop...
I also want to thank each and everyone of my readers, in particular those that are reviewing my stories, adding them to their favorites and putting them on alert! You are all very dear to my heart and your support is very much appreciated!
Also, You Are Love, yes, I am aware that I still owe you guys an epilogue for "So Lost, So Helpless". It will eventually get written, I promise! Does "dentist" explain why I have not been able to do so yet?
And just as a reminder, I do not own any of these characters or plot elements of the bbackground of this story etc. I just like to wonder about the what ifs...
Chapter 7 - Doubts
Christine had heard enough. Slowly she crawled down the stairs, and once she had reached the parlor, she sank down on the couch, crying. Her whole body was shaking convulsively, as she sobbed into the pillows.
That's how Mme. Giry found her, when she returned from her shopping trip a while later. Alarmed, she put down her basket and went to Christine, wrapping her arms around the crying girl.
"Christine, what is the matter?" she asked. "Why are you crying like that?"
Christine stiffened. She could not tell her foster mother about Meg's conversation with Erik. The Madame would not approve of that.
"My Angel," she therefore whispered. "I thought about last night, how he almost … because I do not return his feelings for me... if he had succeeded, if we had not been in time..." She sobbed again at the thought of Erik's still body, lying on the bed, his eyes broken.
"I am glad, too, that we found him in time," Mme. Giry tried to comfort Christine. "But even if he had really... don't think that it would have been your fault, or that it is your fault that he even tried. He is an adult, he is responsible for his own actions and decisions."
"That is exactly what makes it so terrible," Christine sobbed. "He wanted to die! How utterly hopeless must he be for not wanting to live anymore. Life has so much to offer," she added, then closed her eyes in sudden understanding. "He feels the way I did when my dear papa left me," she realized.
"He will get over it." Mme. Giry was not sure, who she was trying to convince of that fact, Christine or herself. "Once he sees how happy he has made you by letting you go with your fiancé."
She smiled at Christine. "I met the Vicomte on my way back from the market," she told her. "He seemed a bit shaken. He was going to confront his friends and relatives regarding your wedding, telling them that it would have to be rescheduled. He asked if he could stop by later to see you. I said we would be happy to receive him in the afternoon. I am sure he will be able to cheer you up a bit. Maybe you two could discuss a new date for your wedding then."
Christine nodded absentmindedly. Her wedding was about the last thing on her mind right now, and she was not really looking forward to meeting Raoul. She knew she had hurt him and put him in an awkward position by having him face their wedding guests alone. He would be hoping for her to show her gratitude for what he had been willing to do for her, he would want to shower her with his love, and she...
Christine sighed. She did love Raoul, really she did, but right now he was the last person she wanted to see. How could she decide upon a wedding date when her Angel was still fighting off the aftereffects of his act of desperation last night, and when she still had no idea how she could make peace with him? And... even if she did somehow manage to see her Angel and talk to him, and she did succeed in making peace, what then? By marrying Raoul she would have to cut all ties with her Angel, and she knew she was not ready for that. The thought of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice again, hurt her more than... yes, even more than losing her father had hurt her.
Christine forced a smile onto her features and whispered, "Raoul is so good to me, so understanding. Of course I am glad to see him later."
Mme. Giry gave her a quizzical look. Did a happy bride sound like that, when she was looking forward to meeting her fiancé? Why was Christine so utterly shaken? Was it guilt over Erik's attempted suicide? Or was there something else?
"I'll go and sit with our patient now,"Mme. Giry finally told Christine. "So Meg can come down and try to cheer you up. Will the two of you manage the cooking?"
This time Christine's smile was genuine. How she needed to talk to Meg! "Of course we will be able to prepare lunch," she promised.
Five minutes later, the two girls were in the kitchen, preparing the chicken and some vegetables in order to make soup.
"He is sleeping again," Meg whispered to Christine. "I fear our conversation was a bit more exhausting for him than I had expected it to be. But at least Maman will not notice how agitated he is."
Christine looked away. "He does not want to see me," she murmured bleakly.
Meg hugged her. "I think he does," she told her friend. "He is every bit as hurt and confused as you are. I think he desperately needs a friend, and for some reason, Maman, who loves him like a sister loves her younger brother, is not enough." Meg sighed, then added, "you know how Maman is, she is not very good at showing her feelings for those she loves, but that does not mean, she does not love us all, me, you and him."
"But seeing me will hurt him even more, knowing that I..." Christine blushed, then stammered, "that Raoul and I... that we are getting married..." She was not sure what she was more embarrassed about, Erik imagining her and Raoul in bed together, or the thought of her and Raoul actually doing it.
Meg winced. "Yes, that did seem to bother him," she admitted. "But maybe it was a mistake not to tell him that the wedding will be delayed. I mean," she mumbled, "even though it will happen at one point, it has not yet, so there is no reason for him to … " She looked at Christine, embarrassed, "You know what I mean."
Christine sighed. "He will still know that it will happen eventually," she reminded Meg, "and that will hurt him."
Meg nodded. "I guess so," she admitted, then continued, "but you can't delay your wedding indefinitely, just because you don't want to hurt Monsieur Erik." She pretended to be concentrating on scrubbing the carrots for the soup, while watching Christine out of the corner of her eye. "You have to think of yourself as well, of your own happiness. And of course, of your fiancé Raoul. He certainly will not want to wait for you forever..."
"Raoul will be coming here this afternoon," Christine changed the topic. "I feel so bad about what he must have been going through this morning, explaining to everybody that the wedding was off for the moment. It must have been so embarrassing, so humiliating,..."
"You will have to be extra kind and lovin," Meg stated. "This was such a sweet thing to do out of love..."
Christine looked down. "I don't know what to tell him," she admitted. "There are so many other things on my mind right now, seeing Raoul will just make it all even more complicated."
"I am sure he will be able to make you see things in a more positive way again," Meg added, probing Christine's feelings even further. "Are you not happy that you will see him later today?"
Christine frowned. Was she happy to see Raoul? Yes and no. He was a kind man, a good friend, and she did love him, but... There was a 'but'. There were so many things she could not tell Raoul, so many problems, she could not discuss with him, so much that he would not understand.
"I do like Raoul," she finally said, "it is just, with the situation with my Angel unresolved, I do not know what I can tell him, regarding our wedding, when I will be ready..." She shook her head. "And Raoul will expect me to give him at least a time frame for when we can get married..."
Meg nodded in understanding. "I can see how this might be a bit awkward," she admitted, "but I bet, once you see your fiancé, you will find the right words to say. Your love for him will be your inspiration..."
Christine was not convinced.
Xxxx
Lunchtime came and went, and to her delight Christine overheard Mme. Giry telling Meg that Erik had swallowed a few spoonfuls of chicken broth. Even though his weak stomach did not allow him to eat much, he was at least trying to do so, to regain his strength.
At around two o'clock, Raoul came to pay Christine a visit. Meg once again had taken up her place at Erik's bedside, so that Mme. Giry could act as Christine's chaperone during the Vicomte's visit.
Raoul seemed agitated and his voice held an undertone of reproach, when he greeted Christine. "It was not easy," he informed her. "When I told my parents last night that there would be no wedding today, they asked me to give up on you for good and call off the engagement. Of course I did not want to do that, ..." His features suddenly looked drawn, and Christine guessed that there had been an ugly scene between Raoul and the Comte.
"Papa and Maman did not accompany me to the church this morning," he continued. "They said that if I allowed you to make a fool of myself like that in public, that I could not expect them to witness my humiliation."
Christine avoided his gaze and concentrated on her teacup instead. "I am sorry," she murmured weakly, trying to sound apologetic.
Raoul reached for her hand, thus making her look up at him. "When?" he asked softly. "When will you marry me, Lotte? And why was it necessary to cause such a scandal? Surely the whole affair will be in tomorrow's papers!"
Christine shuddered. Raoul had a right to ask these questions, but what could she say? "I am sorry," she repeated. "I... I am not feeling too well, today, Raoul," she finally mumbled. "I did not sleep well tonight, and now I am having a headache..."
Raoul was at her side at once, holding her comfortingly. "Oh my poor darling," he whispered into her ear. "Is that why you delayed the wedding? Do you feel a cold developing and were you afraid that the ceremony and wedding party would be too exhausting? You certainly look rather pale..."
Christine winced. Oh, how she wanted to cling to him, to sob into his shirt, telling him everything that bothered her! But she knew this was impossible. He would never understand, and if he knew that her Angel was staying here, under that same roof, he would call the gendarmes and have her poor, ill Angel dragged to prison. No, the person that should be closest to her, that she should be able to confide in, was the one she could never share her thoughts and problems with.
She bit her lip in frustration before murmuring, "maybe. I am not sure..."
Raoul gently caressed her pale cheeks. "Get well soon, my love," he whispered affectionately. "So that we can get married soon. I can't wait to make you my wife, my Little Lotte."
Raoul felt Christine stiffen in his arms. "Nervous?" he chuckled. "You don't have to be afraid. I promise you I will be gentle, and I am sure you will enjoy it..."
Christine blushed. Why did she suddenly have a feeling as if Raoul knew what he was talking about? Had he...? The thought that her fiancé, the man she was going to marry, might have done that with another woman troubled her. But had he really? Maybe she was reading too much into his confidence. Maybe she was judging him unfairly. The nagging thought remained, though. In her opinion this... this unspeakable act that married couples did together, was only bearable if one trusted the other completely, if one loved the other. Only then it would not be awkward and embarrassing to bare everything in the presence of the other one, to make oneself so vulnerable in front of the other.
The suspicion that Raoul might have seen another woman completely naked, and touched her nude body everywhere, repulsed Christine. She wanted to be the first one, the only one with the man she would be giving herself to. She wanted to ask Raoul, but knew it would be considered extremely bad taste to do so, and that even if he said no she would still have her doubts.
"I... I guess I am a bit jumpy today," she finally murmured.
"Then I won't keep you much longer," Raoul whispered into her ear. "You clearly need to rest. I will check on you tomorrow. Hopefully you will be better then and we can choose a new wedding date together."
Christine nodded feebly. Why was she suddenly not so sure anymore she wanted to marry Raoul anytime soon – if at all?
Once Raoul had left, Mme. Giry curiously eyed Christine. "You did not seem too happy to see your fiancé," the older woman stated matter-of-factly.
Christine sighed. "I am still so shaken because of last night," she explained. "To think that my... that Erik wanted to die. And it is true that I did not sleep much because of this and therefore am rather exhausted, and..." She hesitated. Could she ask Mme. Giry? The former ballet mistress was a woman after all and might understand, but... this was a very uncomfortable topic to discuss.
"What is it?" Mme Giry asked kindly. She had noticed how Christine had stiffened once Raoul mentioned making her his wife and had a suspicion why Christine was reluctant to take the final step with her fiancé.
"I am nervous," Christine finally confessed, "about what Raoul and I will have to do, once we are..."
Mme. Giry smiled. "It would be a bit strange if you were not," she comforted her protégée. "I think every girl is nervous before the first time. But there is really nothing to fear, you will see. Just let your love guide you. You will be fine, and you will probably enjoy it."
Christine was unconvinced. "Do you think," she tried to approach the topic again. "That Raoul..." She blushed deeply. "I may be so wrong and it is unfair to even suspect it," she whispered, "but do you think... could he have done this already with somebody else?"
Mme. Giry swallowed hard. What a loaded question! How should she respond? She sensed that Christine was troubled at the thought of not being the Vicomte's first and only woman, but could she honestly tell her that he had probably never had any sexual encounters before? True, she had not heard any rumors about the Vicomte in that regard, but that could just mean that he was more discreet than most. She also knew that it was practically part of a nobleman's education to have some experience in sexual matters, and she had to admit that his promise to be gentle did sound as if he knew what he was talking about.
"I do not know that, Christine," Mme. Giry finally replied. "But I have been told that it does have certain advantages for a woman, if her man already has some experience in that regard. So even if your fiancé has had …. relations... with another woman, I would not read too much into it. It is you he is marrying, not whoever he might have known before."
Christine looked down. "Are you saying it should not bother me, if he had already seen another woman... without her clothes on and touched her... there...?"
Mme. Giry hugged her. "If he has some experience, Christine, and keep in mind that we do not know that for sure, but if so, then this was probably with a woman who is specializing in this, in teaching young men the art of physical lovemaking. It would not mean that he had any feelings for this person. He probably never saw her again. Do not preoccupy yourself with such thoughts. It does not mean he won't be the most loving and attentive husband. He does love you," she added softly. "Don't make him wait much longer because of such concerns."
Christine nodded. "I will think about it," she promised. "I am just so... shaken today, because of last night, I am probably blowing this out of proportion."
Mme. Giry smiled. "I am sure you do. Tomorrow, the world will look bright again, I am confident about that." She then went to relieve Meg from her position as Erik's nurse, sending her daughter down to cheer up Christine.
Once the two girls were together, Meg asked, "so, how did your meeting with the Vicomte go? Did he say anything about the delayed wedding? Did it cause a huge uproar? Have the two of you set a new date?"
Christine shook her head. "No, we have not," she informed Meg. "And I... I do not want to do so anytime soon."
Meg eyed her curiously. "Why not?" she asked. "Are the two of you not in love? Do you not want to be together?"
Christine sighed. "I cannot talk with him about... you know." She glanced up to the ceiling, thus making it clear that she meant the man up there. "Shouldn't a couple discuss everything, not have any secrets, trust the other one completely?"
Meg thought about it. "Yes, you are probably right," she admitted, "but yours is a special case, and by not telling your fiancé everything, you make sure he does not get upset about certain things, so you are withholding information from him in order to protect him..."
Christine nodded. "But when you talked to my Angel this morning, he also seemed to think that as a Vicomtesse I might not be able to sing anymore. Do you believe that? Other noble ladies do sing and play the piano for their guests, I know that..."
Meg hesitated. "I have heard that some ladies do that," she stated noncommittally. "It may just not be such a great idea in your case, considering that you have been a diva and you know, the fire at the Opéra, him... it might be better not to remind people of the past too much. Would it bother you not to be able to sing again?"
"Yes," Christine's voice sounded tortured. Singing was her link to her Angel. How could she ever give it up once she had said her final good-byes to him? How could she sever this last tie binding them together?
"But that is not all," she continued, looking away, too embarrassed to face Meg. "I just had a feeling as if Raoul, … as if he... had done it already, with another woman."
