"You know, people who listen to music constantly tend to be more depressed than those who don't," mocked Clare as she walked early into English class and saw Eli in his seat with his headphones glued to his ears.
Eli observed Clare's attendance and removed them from his ears, bestowing them upon his collarbone. "Was that a joke that my lady just threw at me?"
Clare sat on his lap and pecked him on the lips firmly. "Maybe," she said cheerfully. She removed herself from the top of his thighs and took her seat behind him.
Eli and Clare had been dating for the past week, ever since Eli had worked up the courage to kiss her. He couldn't have been happier to have Clare by his side. There was no doubt in Eli's mind that they were perfect for each other. The feelings that he had already developed for her were at a staggering high and even at that level, he knew there was still so much more he could give her.
"So, did you print out each of our copies for the project due today? Sorry, I couldn't do it. My printer exploded on me." She pouted her lip and crossed her arms.
Eli tapped her nose with his index finger and replied, "Don't worry, Clare. I handled it last night. See?" Eli swung his book bag that was dangling on the back of his chair and placed it onto his desk. He then dug through it and pulled out two neatly stapled reports.
Clare grabbed a copy and began to skim through it. "You made some changes, I notice?" She furrowed her brow as she read faster through the reports. "Wow, Eli, this is fantastic!" she cried out. "I didn't know you could write like this. Why didn't you ever put more input in before, while we were brainstorming?" Clare held the paper tightly in her clutches and continued to read onward, astounded more and more with each flip of a page.
"I was too entranced by being with you. Besides, I didn't think it was that great. I just added a bit more of a relation to me so Ms. Dawes wouldn't think your opinion outshone mine. You know how picky she was about seeing everyone's individuality."
Clare looked affronted. "My opinion did not surpass yours." She stuck out her tongue which broke the sudden strain in the air and returned to reading.
Clare put the paper down and just gawked at Eli. "You're reading your conclusion aloud, mister," she commanded.
"Is that an order?" Eli asked chuckling loudly.
Clare bent forward over her desk so she was as close to Eli's face as possible. He could feel the warmth of her breathe against his nose. Goose bumps became to overwhelm his skin. "Oh, you bet it is," she said threateningly before falling back into her seat.
Ms. Dawes graced the class with her arrival; a massive grin displayed upon her face. She clapped her hands together as the first period bell rang overhead. "Alright people, as you all know your reports were due today and I'm sure we all have some fantastic things to present! Up first is a pair I've been dying to see, since I allocated their partnership; Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy. "
Clare and Eli both exchanged looks, not the least bit surprised that they were going before the rest of the class. Clare held in a laugh and Eli just rolled his eyes before navigating his way up to the front of the class. He watched as Ms. Dawes took a seat in the back of the classroom.
"Okay, our topic was that of what makes someone innocent and both Eli and I had diverse opinions on what fits into that concept," Clare began, taking initiative as she always did. Eli was rather glad since he wasn't a huge fan of public speaking. "I believe innocence is something that we're all born with, but as time goes on it becomes a challenge to hold onto, for there are so many problems life throws at us daily. It's not always the easiest task to perform the right decision especially with so many factors to consider. I think innocence is held in a person who makes mistakes along the way, but overall has good intentions in what they are doing. These people actually learn from their actions and become a better person."
Ms. Dawes nodded in agreement, but interrupted before allowing Clare to speak again. "That really is great, Clare, but would you label yourself as innocent?"
Clare grew a bit roused up. "I think I would Ms. Dawes. I mean I think I've made bad choices, but who hasn't? I'm just a teenager; I've still got a lot to learn."
"I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive, Clare, but this whole assignment was meant to reveal a part of yourself and I think your writer's block hasn't been truly broken yet. However, there is a lot of improvement. I felt a bit more of the person inside. "Clare huffed and hunched her shoulders over in defeat. She thought she had done rather well in her writing this time, but her time to speak was long over before she had even made it halfway in to her work.
Eli shot Clare a reassuring glance. There was so much more to Clare that Ms. Dawes would never know unless she knew her like Eli did. But that's exactly what she wanted, to know Clare as well as someone close to her.
She readjusted her attention towards Eli. "Let's hear from you, Mr. Goldsworthy. Would you say you're innocent?" Ms. Dawes crossed her ankles as she saw Eli was bit tentative of his answer.
"To be honest…no," Eli muttered and Ms. Dawes' face was filled with that of a puzzled expression.
"Explain yourself." She insisted.
He nibbled on the inside of his mouth, specifically his cheek, and allowed himself to speak. "Well, I've done stuff I'm no where near proud of, but they're more scarring than just a simple mistake."Eli stopped himself before revealing too much. "Let's put it this way. If I was one of the children in Holden's dream, he'd let me fall to the depths of the cliff with no turning back. "
It was then that Eli felt like he was in a room alone surrounded by no light and no sound except for the demons in his head. The walls of this space were covered in fluorescent paint reading the words abuse, death, worthless, abandoned, gothic, and at last lonely. Eli blinked rapidly trying to throw the image out of his mind. This cruel hallucination was eating him alive. Yet, it wouldn't evaporate. Instead, it consumed more of him.
There was a flash of light and Eli was staring at himself wearing nothing but boxers in a full view mirror. Every bruise on his flesh and been amplified. His body was suddenly crippled with a strong force of discomfort causing him to fall to the floor writhing in a substantial amount of pain.
"Eli, Eli!" a voice called out snapping Eli back into reality.
Eli was breathing heavily and he could feel the sweat that had drenched his face. His bangs stuck to his forehead in one fluid piece. His heart was echoing in his ears and he felt it hard to swallow. Clare was staring at him worriedly and neither Ms. Dawes nor the class said anything.
"I think I need to be excused for a bit," Eli pleaded and without even retrieving his stuff, he darted out of the classroom leaving Clare frozen in place at the front of the class.
Xxx
Eli made his way to the nearest bathroom where he splashed water onto his face. He stared at himself in the mirror waiting for what had just taken place to start again. He anticipated his bruises to become conspicuous to the point where he couldn't cover them no more. As time passed however, he realized that it wasn't going to happen and that he was just overreacting.
What the hell was his brain doing to him? It was playing another cruel trick. He remembered how they started when his mother had decided to hit him. His mind would project his real fears behind the lids of his eyes as though he were watching a movie. However, he thought with Clare being in the picture that they were done for good because he was finally feeling something close to true contentment with himself. He guessed the presentation had been a prompt to them yet again.
He gripped the edges of the closest sink tightly as another thought ran through him. Clare. She had witnessed his major mental breakdown in class and he knew he owed her a big explanation. It was time to stop hiding what had been happening to him. Clare had to know the truth about him, about why he wanted to commit suicide only just a month ago.
He had never welled up the strength to tell her everything and she never once dug too far. A distinct feeling of fault and remorse sunk into his very heart for keeping something from Clare after she had been openly honest with him. He knew pretty much everything about her, her parents, and even her childhood. All she knew about him was that he had been suicidal for a long time and that his childhood was pretty good until his father split. That had been the cutoff and it was time to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle.
Eli labeled himself an idiot, a stupid moron, harboring the skeleton in his closet from the one person who finally gave a damn about him. She had made herself vulnerable to Eli the night she told him that she could love him. He didn't want to take advantage of such a thing.
"Ugh," Eli said to his reflection. He was repulsed by his bad sense of judgment. It was time to make things right.
Eli swung the door of the bathroom open and ran down the hallway back to Ms. Dawes' class. Just before he reached the room, he saw a glimpse of curls from the corner of his eye. Clare was sitting on the steps of the Degrassi Memorial Garden with her head resting in her hands.
Eli made his way over to her and plopped down.
She handed him his back pack which Eli took elegantly from her hands.
"I asked myself to be excused. Ms. Dawes said there was no need to push the issue any further and that the project had exceeded her expectations greatly. "Clare said those words with no emotion behind them. She looked up at Eli and said, "What happened to you? Was it stage fright?"
"No." Although it was just one remark, it was filled with apology. Eli took Clare's hand and allowed his fingers to wrap around hers. "There's something I need to tell you. I haven't been completely honest about my life and I think it's time you find out. You're the first person who ever bothered to help me, and get to know me. You deserve to know everything, Clare."
Eli started to open his mouth again before Clare rushed a finger up to his lips. "Not here, my house." He read her eyes and they signaled that she knew the matter was serious.
