Author's Note: So I know some of you have been excited to get to Kurt's lie... and here it is! I'm actually really quite please by the way it turned out, even though sometimes Kurt REALLY annoys me. (No homophobia, I swear. Just sometimes his me me me personality really gets to me).
I'd like to say once again thank you for all the wonderful reviews, favorites, and story alerts. Every time I got a new one, my whole day is that much better.
So without further ado... Kurt Hummel reflects on the downsides of lying to oneself.
KURT
"She's going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart and then he'll be crying into my shoulder pads."
The worst kind of lie, I've learned, is one you tell to yourself. Especially when you know what you're trying to convince yourself isn't true but you keep convincing yourself of it anyways. That way the truth just stings all the more when it inevitably worms its way to the surface.
For years, I lied to everyone, including myself, about my sexual orientation. At first, I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to accept a future of pain, torture, and humiliation from my peers.
I didn't want, I didn't want, I didn't want.
But I guess what I didn't want doesn't matter because exactly that happened anyway. It took me until I was twelve to stop lying to myself and finally accept that I am gay and that is that. And it took me another four years to figure that different is good. Unless it's, you know, psycho crazy scary different (In other words, Rachel Berry different). But normal different (I believe I just stated the oxymoron of the century there), as in unique, special, is good.
What I still refuse to accept is a future of pain just because I'm gay. I will never accept that.
Maybe I'm just still lying to myself again. Maybe there are just too many ignoramuses in the world. Maybe homophobia can't be cured. (I like to think of homophobia as a disease. It makes the pain of it easier to bear). Regardless, I look forward to sometime in the future where I can be happy.
Once upon a time, I used to dream that happiness would be achieved with Finn by my side. Even though Finn is probably the straightest guy at our whole school. Just because of one probably insignificant encounter in the halls, I marked Finn down as my knight in shining armor. I may have overestimated him, I admit. While he really isn't a homophobe, he just isn't comfortable with me and my preferences. I think I had that figured out pretty quickly once I got to know him, but yet, I still hoped. I still hoped he was just too scared to come out and he just hid behind football and Quinn and jock friends and whatever else. I wanted to be the one to make himself comfortable with who he was.
Except the person Finn Hudson is is not gay. Or even bisexual in the slightest. But I kept telling myself that he was, and that eventually Quinn would destroy him (she did) and he would turn to me (but he didn't).
And yet, when he failed to do that, my hope only grew stronger. I pressed harder, I flirted more openly. My hopes and dreams (my lie to myself) culminated into this intense feeling I can imagine was love.
Then Finn destroyed it all with a small, two syllable word repeated over and over and seared into my brain forever.
Faggy. What I am and what he isn't.
I knew the instant he uttered that unforgivable word that it was done. I really, truly had no shot with Finn. He's a knight in shining armor, indeed, but not mine. Rachel's.
The funny thing is that I just can't find it in me to hate her anymore for it. Really, when you think about it, I'm completely justified in hating Rachel. She gets better grades; she gets more solos in Glee; she grew up in the understanding environment I could only have wished for. And she got Finn.
Rachel Berry has everything I have ever wanted. Except, of course, a superior fashion sense. In that one department, I have her owned.
So why don't I hate her anymore for having Finn? To that, I have no answer. Is it because he is happy with her? Because they're so cliché of a couple that it actually works? I still don't know.
But why I hate Rachel Berry doesn't matter. Not during this topic of discussion, at least.
What matters is that I have lied to myself my whole life. And doing so has nearly destroyed me countless times over. So right now, I have come to a New Year's Revolution partaken in November: Never, ever, shall I lie to myself again.
Really, lying to yourself hurts too much.
Take it from someone who knows and just don't do it.
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