The Wedding
Skittery hated suits. Despite the fact that the ceremony and reception would be outdoors in the middle of summer, he was expected to wear a nice jacket and tie. It was only the rehearsal dinner and the restaurant was air conditioned, so the sweltering heat was avoidable. But the suit was a few years old, bought before his growth spurt was over, and it took a lot of willpower not to tug on it. Skittery was started to dread the ceremony. Well, all weddings sucked. But he'd do it for his mom.
"I've never seen a couple more perfect for each other, more evenly matched," the best man beamed. Skittery was listening the best he could, but he kept getting distracted. "They complement each other so well. Nathan, Laila, I know your relationship is strong enough to survive anything." Is this what my parents' wedding was like? Skittery wondered. Did anyone know how it was going to end?
Years before, right after his parents had divorced and his dad moved out, Skittery looked through the old wedding albums. He wanted to see if there was any indication things weren't perfect, any hint of the future. He didn't find anything. They looked so happy and in love and…how did he know this marriage was going to work out the same way? I swear to God, people forgot about how the first marriage worked out. Or that there even was a first marriage. You can't talk about love that way unless you forget about all that.
But he pushed those thoughts aside. It wasn't about what he thought, it was all about his mom. One look at her and you could tell that this was what she really wanted. One look at the happy couple and even the worst cynic had to admit– maybe there was a chance things could work out. Maybe.
Skittery listened to every speech as people droned on and on about how perfect Nathan and his mom were together. He wasn't necessarily angered by it, or sad because it made him think of his father. He was happy for them, of course. But there was curiosity and cynicism and a weird pit in his stomach. Not that he could say this to anyone.
Then it was time to eat. Skittery was digging into the pot roast (free food is the best part of a wedding), when his mom said, "I snuck you a glass of champagne." She gave him a little wink, acting as if he were ten years old again. Really, this wasn't his first drink, and she knew it. But it was fun to act like it was a big deal. Besides, alcohol sounded perfect.
"Thanks." He took it in little sips. Not his typical drink, but whatever. Beggars can't be choosers.
"You know, Julie's coming." Skittery choked on his drink, thinking just about a million curse words at once. "You must be so excited!"
"Uh…yeah." After he rejected her prom invitation she stopped talking to him. Then he texted her at Christmas and it took her forever to respond. They had continued to talk afterwards, but only briefly about artificial topics; their relationship just wasn't what it used to be. Since childhood they had been inseparable. But now? It was forced and awkward. He hadn't told his mom all of that, obviously, so he didn't expect her to know such details.
He berated himself for not thinking that sooner. Of course Julie would've been invited; her mom was the matron of honor. And it was the summertime so she was home from school. Suddenly he didn't feel mentally prepared. And he really wished he had been given a harder drink.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I just haven't talked to her in a while." He couldn't stop thinking about her the whole night.
As his mom moved on to schmooze some other family members, a voice from behind him said, "So, looks like you have to share your mom now, right?" His uncle (who was obviously super drunk) slapped him on the back.
"I mean, I'm in college now, so…Doesn't really make much of a difference." At least I think it won't. "Oh, I think my mom wants me," he lied. Anything to get out of this. "She wants me to greet Aunt Olivia. But nice chatting with you." He swiftly went to his mother. There's not enough alcohol in the world to get through today and tomorrow. Mostly because of Julie – though he wouldn't admit that.
Finally, the big day arrived.
They couldn't have picked a more beautiful venue for a wedding. They had been worried that the lake would be too cold, but the weather was perfect. His mother looked perfect too.
"You look so good," he smiled when he saw her in the dress. And he really meant it. The dress was elegant but not over-the-top, and the cut was perfect. Her makeup and hair were professionally styled, and though she looked beautiful regardless, it really made a difference. "But how much hairspray does it take to make that thing?" he joked, pointing to the updo on her head.
"I don't want to know," she laughed. Skittery was glad; the most attractive part of the ensemble was the smile. He had never seen her so happy before (and he hoped it would stay that way.)
"It looks amazing."
"Thank you, honey." She rushed over to him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You're being so good about this. Really, thank you."
The wedding planner burst through the door. "There you are. Jackson! It's time. We need to get a move on." Skittery followed her immediately; she was not someone to be argued with.
There was a split second– a split second where he saw Julie and time slowed down. There was a huge rush of emotions, and he was grateful that he had mastered the art of the poker face. Only Julie and his mother knew him well enough to see past it, but they were both, well, occupied. There was a wedding going on. And yes, Skittery was paying attention. But it was impossible not to recall the conversations they had, or think about how much he missed her, or guess what she would say to him. (She'd probably laugh about how ridiculous she looked in her dress, while Skittery would smile over how gorgeous she was– not that she didn't always look attractive.)
This is your mother's wedding. Get a grip, he told himself. You can drool over Julie at the reception...Not that I was drooling over her. Of course. He didn't, well, couldn't, look at her for the rest of the ceremony.
The rest of the day was a blur, from self-consciously walking down the aisle, to zoning out during the sermon (who could blame him?), to noticing just how long the kiss was. One of his younger cousins was taking pictures of it in the audience, and he saw her take at least four or five.
The reception came too quickly, and it was an opportunity to talk to Julie. Skittery was worried– there was a good chance she didn't want to speak to him. But this could be his last chance to every speak to her again, and he missed her so much.
He had never really gotten over Julie. She had just left without an explanation, leaving him confused and heartbroken. He wasn't angry, not really. Maybe slightly, but he couldn't stay mad for long. He was just grateful to be in the same room as her. He was done spending energy trying to forget about her, because he didn't want to forget about her. He was done looking at her pictures and rereading old texts, constantly wondering "what went wrong?" And now he would get his answer. Perhaps the worst part was that he had never had a chance to say goodbye. This time, he would receive closure.
The party was in full swing, but they both held back from the dance floor. It was the perfect time to talk. "Uh, hi, Julie."
"Jackson." She seemed somewhat happy to see him, but there was pain behind her expression. Whether it was regret or nostalgia, he couldn't tell. "It's been awhile."
"Yeah…"
"So how do you feel about all this?"
"Honestly, lots of things." Skittery was never one to hold back. He took a deep breath. "She looks so happy," he gestured to his mother, lovingly dancing with her new husband.
"Yes, she does."
"And he's a really great guy."
"He is."
"So why do I feel like I'm holding back?"
"I think you know." Julie cared, and she always showed that. But she always let Skittery do the talking during his venting sessions; he needed someone to listen to, not misguided advice or ignorant comments.
"There's nothing to complain about, no objections or nothing, but it feels weird…" He felt as if that required some explanation. "They're just making all these vows and promises, acting like the first marriage…didn't end the way it did. It's like my dad was never there...But I really am happy for her."
"You can feel what you want to feel," she stated simply. And he appreciated the sentiment.
"Well, it feels weird," he repeated. And he gave a quick laugh. There was more to say, but felt that he didn't need to talk about it anymore. He had gotten out his feelings to someone, and that was good enough. "Thanks for listening."
"No problem."
"Now come on, let's dance." He was never much of a dancer, but he was in somewhat of a good mood, and felt like hanging out with Julie for a little while longer. They only bopped around, probably looking like idiots, but they definitely enjoyed it. It was as if nothing had changed. After all, she had been his best friend.
If he was being honest, he also cared about her as...more than a friend. He hadn't been ready for a relationship, and he still wasn't ready, but no matter what she was special to him. He had hoped that, someday, he would be ready for her. But it didn't seem as if she would stick around for long enough.
They were able to talk while dancing. They caught up on everything, from school to friendships to their opinions on the latest movies, lamenting about the serious lack of new material. "Is everything a reboot or sequel these days?" Julie joked. "Honestly." She shook her head. "Now, I need to take a break. You have no idea what these shoes feel like."
She sat down at the table and took off her heels. Skittery joined her. They were relaxed and had a fun time. Maybe it would kill the vibe, but it was now or never. "Listen, I'm just going to come out and say it," before I change my mind. "What happened? Between us?" He figured after he rejected her that she would be hurt, but he hadn't expected that to ruin their friendship.
Julie had expected the question. She had imagined the conversation over and over again in her head, but there was no real way to prepare for it. She just had to go with the right words in the moment."What was I supposed to do?" She asked. And Skittery could see she was on the verge of tears. "How was I supposed to not feel awkward, knowing that you know how I feel about you? How was I supposed to see you every day as a friend, knowing full well that that was all I'd ever be?" Her breath hitched and her words got shaky. "How was I supposed to watch you fall in love with someone else?" She turned away. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. But...I just couldn't do it. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. But don't forget, I don't want this. I miss you; I miss you a lot more than you think." If she looked back at him she would just burst into tears; she had been holding back the pain for too long to continue. He was right in front of her.
Skittery was stunned into a few moments of silence. "The thing is, Julie...I felt the same way. I loved you. And I still do." He could feel his heart stop. I can't believe I finally said that! Those were the words she never thought she would hear, and she hung onto every word. "But I'm also certain my parents felt that same way. You saw how that turned out." He paused, thinking of the right thing to say. Julie was still too choked up to respond. "My mom told me that my dad was her best friend, and...I didn't want to lose my best friend. I didn't know that was bound to happen anyway."
Now she really was crying. "Jackson...I should've known. Oh my God, I'm an idiot." The room was spinning. She couldn't stand, couldn't breathe. "I did everything wrong."
"Hey, at least I understand now," Skittery said. "You had legit concerns. I probably would've done the same thing."
"Really?"
"Really." She knew he meant it.
Julie took a deep breath, dried her eyes, and turned to face him. "Let's not be weird anymore. I want to be friends with you again. And if you want to go further, become best friends or even date or...whatever, I'll follow your lead. I'll go where you want to go, at the speed you want to go." She held his hand; he didn't pull back. "We'll be open and honest, just like we used to be, and I promise to never ignore you again. That's not what I want. I just want you here, with me."
Skittery smiled. "Couldn't have said it better myself."
