Chapter 7: Me and not Me

Victor woke early the next morning, and he climbed out of bed carefully, so as not to wake his sleeping lover. Maccachin hopped down off the bed, thumping on the ground and making Yuuri sigh and stir in his sleep.

"Shh," Victor mouthed, "Be quiet, Macca."

He slipped out of his yukata, shivering a little as he paused to pick out some clothing from his suitcase. As he looked down at the clothes, he felt a strange flicker in his mind, and then cringed as he recalled the slow process in the rape crisis unit at the hospital, when his clothing had to be removed, bit by bit, searched for evidence, then stored carefully. His jaw clenched at the returning feeling of humiliation.

Stop it!

Stop thinking about that!

It was just a process that had to be done, and now it's over. It will never happen again. I have to just let it go. I don't like to remember it, and it's not good to dwell on the past.

He heard Maccachin whine, then the little swish of Yuuri's nightclothes as he approached and wrapped his arms around Victor from behind, resting his face against the back of the Russian skater's bare shoulder. Victor tried to speak, but his throat tightened and he couldn't make a sound.

"You've been standing there for awhile," he commented softly.

"What are you doing awake so early?" Victor chided him, "And you barely slept all night because you were watching me. You should be getting some rest, Yuuri."

"I'm fine," Yuuri assured him, "Let me help you."

Victor started to object, then went quiet again as Yuuri's hands slipped into his suitcase and removed his most comfortable, soft workout clothes. Victor cooperated wordlessly, his eyes distant as he was dressed. He looked questioningly at Yuuri as he finished by adding a warm jacket.

"It's a little chilly outside, but I thought that we could go and walk along the beach?" Yuuri suggested.

"Okay."

Maybe it would be a good thing. I feel sort of shaky after that flashback. Nurse Raya told me that I should expect that I would have vivid flashbacks, and she taught me some relaxation exercises. I forgot all about that while I was in the middle of that episode. But…I can do the breathing exercise now and maybe my heart will stop feeling like it's going to jump out of my chest at any moment.

"Are you okay now, Victor?" Yuuri asked.

"Not entirely," Victor answered.

It's safe to be honest with him. It's best to be truthful.

"But I'll be all right. I just…remembered something disturbing. They…said that would happen sometimes."

"They told me that too," Yuuri replied, slipping out of his yukata and searching his own suitcase for clothing, "You don't have to talk about if you'd rather not, but anytime you do feel like talking about it, just tell me."

Victor didn't answer right away, but watched silently as Yuuri began to dress. At first, he thought he might want to let the memory go and not say anything, but an odd urge flickered in his insides, and before he realized quite what was happening, the words spilled out of his mouth.

"I was remembering…how they took everything I was wearing that night…how they searched every inch as I was lying there, more and more naked, and how everything was sealed away. It was my favorite suit."

He took a steadying breath, noting that Yuuri's calm expression never changed.

"Not that I could look at it now," he sighed, "But…it was…"

"The same one you were wearing the night I got drunk at the banquet after the Grand Prix Finals and we danced together for the first time. I noticed you wore it again that night."

Victor paled and his stinging eyes closed.

"I didn't tell you, but I wanted…after the banquet…for you to…"

His throat tightened and his heart pounded furiously until it ached, but he breathed slowly, and Yuuri remained frozen and looking at him, waiting patiently for him to finish.

"It's ironic," he managed finally, "I was…looking forward to you removing it, piece by piece and dropping the pieces carelessly on the floor of our hotel room. I thought about every detail. But, what happened…"

"Victor!" Yuuri gasped dropping his own clothes and wrapping his arms tightly around his lover as Victor collapsed onto his knees, "It's okay to stop. You don't have to say anymore!"

"But I do!" Victor insisted, grabbing Yuuri by the shoulders and holding on almost painfully tightly, "I wanted you to remove the pieces, but instead that…"

His jaw clenched and he had to close his eyes, but he continued to force the words out.

"He tore them off!"

Yuuri stared, wide-eyed, his own hands wrapped around his lover's wrists, where Victor's hands still clenched his shoulders.

"Victor…" he whispered, his face going white.

"And he didn't just tear the clothing, he tore me up too. He stole the night that we would have had together and turned it into a living nightmare!"

Yuuri stared through shattered eyes, tears running down his cheeks as Victor gathered himself and finished.

"And then, it happened all over again, when they took the pieces off and left me naked again. And now, to know that suit that was my favorite…it's ruined, and I never want to look at it again…it's like I can't think of it and just remember what it meant before. He stole all of that."

"That's not true," Yuuri said firmly, making Victor look back at him in surprise, through teary blue-green eyes.

He reached into his suitcase and fished out a tie that he tied around his head, coaxing a little, helpless smile onto Victor's lips. Yuuri moved in close to him again, bringing him back to his feet and wrapping strong arms around him. He moved suddenly then, dipping his blinking lover and curving a warm hand around his face as he looked down into Victor's widened, wet eyes.

"A lot more happened than what clothes we were wearing that night," he said solemnly, "I had to get really drunk, but I got up the nerve to dance with you and to tell you what was in my heart. Then, you showed me what was in yours by dropping everything to come here to be my coach. He can take away the clothes, and he can hurt you so that you may think he took everything, but what's most important is still right here, Victor, and it's not going anywhere! Our clothes will wear out, and our bodies won't always be young, but we still have something that animal can't take away from us. That night…when we danced together for the first time…we made history. That's something that no one can change, no matter what they do. Not. Ever."

He lifted Victor back onto his feet and went silent, watching as Victor blinked slowly, and his clouded eyes began to clear again.

"You're right, Yuuri," he said finally, "Our history can't be taken away from us. I suppose it's stupid of me to give something like clothing so much importance."

"Shh, no. It's okay," Yuuri whispered hugging him and speaking softly into his ear, "I still have what I wore that night too. I guess it's natural to hold onto things that remind us of our best times."

He paused, then laughed ruefully.

"Although, I never imagined that the night I crashed and burned at my first Grand Prix Final would be the same night that I danced with the most beautiful person I ever saw…the person I admire most."

"Yuuri," Victor said in a flustered voice, "you were so drunk, I know you don't remember."

"It's okay," Yuuri giggled, kissing him on the cheek, "Remember? You and the others showed me the video…and I did remember after that. Now, do you want me to put on the rest of my clothes or should I just go to the beach like this?"

Victor felt something inside give way and a little laugh escaped him.

"We're in Hasetsu now. You should probably put your clothes on."

"Yeah," Yuuri agreed, smirking cutely, "I probably should."

Victor left him to dress and walked into the bathroom, where he brushed his hair and teeth, then stood for a moment, studying the reflection of the bruises on his throat and wrists, and the small scratches, here and there.

This is probably the worst they will get. Then, they will start to go away. I guess it's good when some things fade away. It means that I won't always wear the marks of that violent act on my body. I can be sad that some things were taken away when I was attacked, but I have to keep things in perspective. Yuuri is right. We've lost some things, but we haven't lost everything. We've lost some things, but not the most important things.

I just wonder, though.

This attack…it's part of our history too. How will it change things now? How will it affect our future?

He smiled at Yuuri's reflection in the mirror, as his lover joined him in the bathroom, and they finished their morning rituals together. They left the inn with Maccachin beside them, and headed for the beach. As they walked, they passed an old woman, working in the lovely garden in front of her house.

"Ohayo gozaimasu!" she called out to them.

The two young men returned her greeting and walked on. It seemed that every few feet, they encountered another familiar face, another friendly voice, and with each, a little of the heavy weight seemed to lift from Victor's aching heart. By the time they reached the beach, he was genuinely smiling and breathing in deeply.

"This is good for you," Yuuri noted.

"It is good to be outside," Victor agreed.

They jogged along the beach with Maccachin on their heels, then found an old log to sit down on and Victor hugged the old poodle and rested his chin on Maccachin's fluffy head.

"You like it here too, don't you?" he asked.

Maccachin yipped and licked his face.

"Hasetsu is a special, dreamy place, full of special people and very good memories," Victor sighed, leaning against Yuuri and closing his eyes, "I know we have to go back to Russia eventually to continue our training, but…"

He noticed the tentative look that Yuuri gave him in response.

"What is it, Yuuri?"

"Oh, it's nothing, really…just something that Yakov mentioned, but I don't think it's the right time to talk about it."

"Talk about what?"

Yuuri bit his lip gently.

"Well, Yakov knows that the time you spent coaching me and living here, in Hasetsu, was a happy time for you. He messaged me to check up on you, and in that message, he said that if it was better for you to stay here and not to go back to Russia, he would work on plans to accommodate you on that."

"He what?" Victor asked, giving him a shocked look, "Yakov yelled at me so many times after I came back to Saint Petersburg, telling me I don't deserve him and I don't appreciate my own home. He teased me about running away to play and not being serious about my career. He gave me so much hell…but I think it's because I hurt him by leaving so suddenly and not listening to him at all. I don't regret going at all, but I do feel bad that I hurt him."

Yakov loves you like a son," Yuuri observed.

"He really does," Victor agreed, clenching at the old log they were sitting on and looking down at the sand as he continued, "I'm not close to my family."

"He told me," Yuuri confessed, "And, of course, I didn't miss the fact that you never talk about them."

"I don't mean to keep things from you," Victor said apologetically, "I probably should have explained to you sooner."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Yuuri said reassuringly, "You're dealing with a lot now. Maybe you should wait and tell me later."

"No," Victor insisted, nudging the sand with the tips of his shoes, "it's fine to tell you now. It's not like there was a big fight or like anything was really wrong that made it happen. My parents were just never really happy together. It was obvious to me as soon as I learned that I was born only four months after they got married. I was…a mistake."

Yuuri let out a soft, sympathetic breath and slipped a hand into his, lacing their fingers together.

"Victor, I'm sorry."

"They didn't take it out on me. I think they did their best to be good parents, but eventually, it became obvious that they just couldn't hold things together. By then, we'd met Yakov, and he told my parents that I was skating prodigy, and that it could be good for me to go and train at the Saint Petersburg Ice Center facility. He told them I could live there, and I wouldn't be too far from home. I guess that made them free to be honest and to let their marriage die. They broke up within the first month after I left. In less than a year, my father had a new wife, and there was a baby on the way."

Victor shifted and leaned forward, resting his face on his hands and he looked out at the crashing waves.

"I don't know what happened. My father just said that Mother suddenly died. He said it was an accident, that she had pills and just took too many. I was still very young, so I didn't think about what it really meant. I knew she was sad sometimes, but I didn't know anything about depression."

"That's horrible," Yuuri whispered, leaning against Victor's shoulder and stroking his hand, "You must have been devastated."

"I went to her funeral, but I could barely feel anything. I went to put a flower in her casket. My father lifted me up so that I could reach, and I looked at her…and she didn't look sad anymore. She just looked like she did when she was sleeping, and I'd get up before her and go to their room to crawl in next to her. I didn't realize until I was much older…that they didn't even sleep together. Our family was just a mirage that they made for me, and when I left, there was nothing to hold it together, so it just…fell apart."

"But you still had your father, right?"

"I did, but he was focused on his new family, and I didn't live with them…so, it was easy to drift apart. We stopped calling each other by the time I was about to enter the senior men's division. I never admitted about the programs I made during that time…when I still wore my hair long. I wore it like that, because it reminded me of her…every time I looked in the mirror, I saw her…just with different eyes. Hers were like pretty sapphires. Mine aren't even like my father's. His are just pale grey. I don't know where my eye color comes from. I used to make up wild stories in my head…that my father wasn't my real father…that mother had had a wild affair with a perfect stranger, a dangerous man that she knew she shouldn't risk getting close to. I was still a mistake, but for her, I was a happy one. She married another man, but she never forgot the man who made me with her. It was a lot more interesting than the truth."

"I can see why."

"My programs, back when I had long hair, always seemed to bring her a little bit back to life for me. But as I got older, it made sense when Yakov said that I was going to need to change things, if I wanted to keep surprising people. Mother loved surprises, so it was important to me to keep people guessing."

"You're really good at that."

"Thank you."

"It's just the truth."

Victor looked more deeply into the crashing waves, his mind working. Yuuri looked on quietly.

"Yuuri, there's something that I feel like I should tell you. It's something I never tell anyone, but considering everything, I think I should tell you."

"Okay, you know you can tell me anything, Victor."

"I know that, and that is a very big comfort, especially now."

He breathed slowly for a moment to steady his nerves.

"I was sometimes sad too…growing up, I mean," he confessed, "Not just sad, like something happened to make it that way, but sad like she was. I never said anything because after she died, I was afraid, you know?"

He studied Yuuri's suddenly anxious expression.

"But, they had counselors at the ice center where you lived, right?" Yuuri asked.

"Yes, and it was part of our agreement to go talk to one of the counselors once a year for our mental health. I never told them anything. I was too afraid that they would either kick me out of the program, or they would make me take pills, and I might take too many and die, like she did."

"Victor!" Yuuri exclaimed softly.

"I'm not saying I would ever do anything to hurt myself, but I'm going to counseling, and when they know I already suffer from undiagnosed depression, I don't know what will happen."

"I get it," Yuuri said, surprising him with a strong, tight hug, "and I promise that it's going to be okay. You've had to keep that secret for a really long time, but you don't have to anymore. When you go to counseling, I think you should tell your counselor everything, Victor. Let it all out, and we can do what we did with my anxiety. You see, Victor, you may have depression, like your mom did, but you have something that she didn't have."

Victor's eyes widened and looked into Yuuri's hopefully.

"You have all of us, everyone in Hasetsu, with you…and you have a real family now, Victor. And that's why…I know that you're going to be okay."

"And that's why," Victor answered, hugging him, "I know I'll be okay too."