CHAPTER XIII ~FEELING YOUR OWN HEART~

Days passed after the eventful HAYATO's concert and Satsuki's appearance, Erika sat in her class, listening to Haruka playing her newly composed piece with a determined yet relaxed expression. Her song's warmth spread throughout the room, leaving their classmates with a look of awe. Erika, Tomochika and Otoya shared a look of content and glee with smiles of happiness and Erika glanced back at Haruka. You finally came out of your shell, Haru-chan. She thought, watching her play until it ended. Afterwards, she stood up and bowed politely then their teacher, Ringo, complimented her. "That's wonderful, Haru-chan. Just as expected of one of the top students in musical composition for this month's test!" Murmurs of disbelief with a mix of awe and surprise surrounded them.

"I can't believe it!"

"She's a totally different person."

"Amazing!"

Yup. Nothing can be greater than this. Erika thought. "Well' that's it for today," Ringo announced, piling up the sheets of paper in his hands in time for the school bell to chime loudly. "I'll assign another assignment for all of you next week, so make sure to practice a lot," he finished and the class answered in chorus.

After class, Erika and Haruka walked down the deserted hallway, still complimenting her best friend. "That was sooo amazing, Haru-chan! You even left our classmates hanging their jaws in awe at you!" she said at her energetically and Haruka only blushed at her friend's compliment. "Thank you, Eri-chan. But.. you're still greater than me. I mean, you're that number one student in our course and your pieces are still on a different level than mine," she told her with an equal look of awe and Erika laughed at her jovially. "Thanks, Haru-chan." They continued giggling to themselves until they passed one of the large windows along the hallway and Erika happened to look at the lone figure walking under the showering rain then halted. "Tokiya-san…," she muttered under her breath. She still remembered that day after her idol's concert was disrupted by Satsuki who decided to show HAYATO the feeling that was missing in his song, and… the truth about his idol's identity. Haruka noticed her friend halted in her steps and called to Erika who was a little dazed.

"Eri-chan?" she called, softly tapping her hand on Erika's shoulder who flinched at the contact. "Y-yes?" she inquired, blinking her eyes to focus on her friend. "Are you all right? Are you feeling sick?" she asked, her golden eyes flitting with concern and Erika answered with a slow shake of her head then smiled softly. "I'm fine. Let's go?" Haruka decided to leave it and nodded with the same smile and continued their way towards the cafeteria.

Erika now sat on one of the tables down at the cafeteria with her girl friends, Tomochika and Haruka sitting across her, chatting down while eating their food while she, on the other hand, stared at her untouched food. I'm still wondering why Tokiya-san would keep his identity a secret, going as far as posing as his own brother. Her eyebrows furrowed in deep thought, unconsciously clenching her hand holding a fork. I know I shouldn't be nosy about it, but still…

"-rika, Erika, Erika!" Erika gasped lightly, blinking the haze out of her ocean eyes and snapped her head towards the two, one with worry and one with slight annoyance. "What is it, guys?" she asked, easily transforming her face into one of her natural expression; the one with a small closed eye smile. Tomochika then spoke, her voice slightly coated with suspicion. "Don't 'what' us! You've been staring off in space for several minutes now. It's strange."

"Ah, no, there's nothing strange, Tomo-chan." Tomochika just shook her head quickly.

"No, no, no. It is strange! You're not one that spaces off while we're eating."

"Eri-chan, is there something troubling you?" Haruka inquired. Again, Erika shook her head in assurance.

"Really, there's nothing you should be worried about." Then Tomochika was struck by an idea.

"Ah! I bet you're in shock that Shinomiya-san interrupted HAYATO's performance. Shinomiya-san totally changed…," she concluded. Haruka just nodded. "Yes," Then she turned to Erika with a shocked expression. "I didn't know what to feel after seeing that side of Shinomiya-san." Tomochika then continued, "You're right! I was totally freaked out when it was aired on TV!" Erika laughed softly. It's funny. But, they're really not far from it. No, it's close but not quite. Yes, she was shocked by Natsuki's counterpart, but what's really on her mind was about Ichinose Tokiya's secret. Why would he pose as his own brother to study at the academy? Why would he still study here as an idol if he already debuted as one? Was it to mock them? Or something else? She shook her head at that thought. She may not know Tokiya that much, but she's certain that he was not that type of person. She could see it in his eyes. Those eyes that held self-loath and loneliness that shouldn't belong to a person who worked so hard to gain what they wanted.

Then Tomochika turned back to her. "Erika," she called and said girl looked at her with apprehension. "Whenever something's bothering you, you can talk to us," she offered with a smile and so did Haruka. Erika was touched by their sincerity so she replied with a happy nod.

…..

It was still raining that afternoon and classes was dismissed earlier so Erika decided to just walk around the hall. She was about to descend the stairs when her eyes caught sight of Tokiya walking down the opposite hallway. She practically raced down the staircase just as Tokiya was about to disappear from her sight. She skidded to a halt just a good two feet behind him and called out to him, loud enough for him to hear. "Tokiya-san! Wait up!" Said bluenette stopped and looked behind, gazing at her with that emotionless mask on his face and she could tell he was in a bad mood. And still, when he wasn't? she added. She took a deep breath then she remembered his injured ankle.

"Is your ankle healed now?" she asked concern written on her face but not bordering pity but Tokiya didn't answer, still staring at him with his icy indigo eyes, unblinking. Before she could speak further, the bluenette turned around sharply as he spoke. "If you don't have anything to say, I must be going." Then he proceeded walking down the hallway with a dark aura surrounding him, signaling that he wasn't in a good mood. She took a step forward, thinking on calling for him to come back, but she pushed the thought at the back of her mind. She watched his back until he disappeared when he turned a corner. Speaking of his bad mood, what just happened for him to leave such an impression?

…..

Some time later, Natsuki, Otoya, Syo, and Masato sat around one of the tables in the study hall as they discussed something serious.

"Eh?! Tokiya is?!" Otoya exclaimed.

"Yeah," Syo replied with a solemn expression.

Then Haruka and Erika walked towards the table where they all gathered with trays of tea and snacks. The girls looked at them curious as to what they're talking about, but Erika had a guess. It's about Tokiya.

"What's going on here?" Haruka asked. Syo looked up at Haruka and replied to her question.

"Tokiya was demoted from S Class." At that, Erika almost dropped her tray but luckily, she balanced her body as she stared at the shorter blond as she marched up to them and placed her tray with a soft clank upon the oak table. "Are you serious?!" she exclaimed, her eyes fired with slight curiosity and anger, not at the person in front of her but at the predicament Tokiya was in. He was… kicked out?! That's unbelievable! She added in her mind and she really couldn't believe it but can't help but think about the possibility that he really was kicked out, especially about the issue of his identity, which she was sure no one really knows. Tomochika came with her cup of coffee, oblivious as to what's happening right now.

"Tokiya," Otoya clenched his fist with a slight tremble. "Even though he worked so hard, I don't know what to say to him…" At this, Erika clenched her fist so tight it was bordering much paler than her original color. Tokiya-san… how could you let this happen? She gritted her teeth at the thought.

"Learning from theory alone… is difficult," Natsuki stated.

"His songs have no heart… I guess..," Masato assumed, placing his thumb and forefinger under his chin, his royal blue eyes deep in thought. And that made Erika realized something, making her eyes go wide and immediately unclenched her fists and stood up straight, her fringes covering her half-lidded eyes. Heart… On the day of his concert, Erika noted the intensity of the song. All the elements were in it and with his voice, it was perfect. Too perfect for her liking, as if a programmed robot was singing in front of her. And it dawned on her; it was lacking emotion, the very core of making music.

Ever since she was very young, she was already taught by her father that emotion is what makes the music whole and meaningful. She had asked her father why was it so and her father explained, his deep baritone voice full of life and joy.

"In our life, we're experiencing different emotions and most are pent up, waiting for the time it will be released like anger, longing, happiness, sadness, even hate. And most of all, love. Many people can't express their feelings in words, so in order for others to know what they feel, they decided to turn these feelings into notes and lyrics." Her father explained and turned to her with a soft smile. "Each note dancing on the scale holds a certain amount of that feeling and as the melody dragged on, it becomes more expressive and intense, making others realize what that person really feels, the one he couldn't express in words. So, Erika, never forget that music is the language of the heart."

But since that tragic accident happened years ago, she almost forgot the words of her father when she decided to give up music but when she heard that song, feelings of nostalgia and passion came back to her in full force, making her decide on turning back to her passion and continue on making it to spread that kind of feeling to others she cared about. And it was him who, although indirectly, helped her recover her lost passion. So she had decided that in turn, she will help him recover his lost aim, the reason he became an idol in the first place.

…...

Later that night, Erika wondered again towards the large lake where she met Tokiya on her first night at the academy with an umbrella on hand since it was still pouring down but not that heavy. When she saw the lake, she let a smile grace her lips and was about to jog there when she saw Tokiya standing beside the lake, rain pouring down on his clothed lean body. She halted on her steps as she watched him open his mouth as if he was going to sing, her ocean eyes unblinking. And sing he did. She felt her eyes widen and a small barely audible gasp left her lips as she listen to Tokiya's song. The song that made her passion for music resurface and once again play her most beloved instruments. As the night sky cleared, moonlight shone through the clouds, showering Tokiya in its mysterious light, making him look so breathtaking as he just stood there with his eyes closed. She didn't know how long she stood there, listening to it, but as if on automatic, her feet slowly made her way towards him, her shining with tears but it never fell down her cheeks, her hold on her umbrella loosening and falling down to her side. She lowly sang a few lyrics with him, her lips quivering at the emotions filling in every word as it went along.

By the time the song ended, Erika stopped a few meters behind Tokiya, snapping a twig in the process making the stoic male turned towards her with a slight surprise in his eyes, his blue locks shining as the light from the moon struck the droplets of water remaining on his hair, his clothes drenched from the rain. The moon's light once again hid behind the dark clouds as she and Tokiya stare like they're total strangers. The orange-haired girl was the first to break the deafening silence, awe evident in her voice. "That was… beautiful, Tokiya-san. Looks like you can sing with such emotions," she complimented as she smiled at him, eyes shining with visible honesty. Tokiya scoffed at that. Erika directed her gaze at him, not even once faltering nor flinching at the cold, emotionless gaze. Seeing that the male wouldn't speak, she asked the same question that she wanted to have an answer to.

"I have a question, Tokiya-san. If you have already debuted as an idol, why do you even bother to come and study in this academy, even as to go far as pose yourself as your own twin?" Sensing Tokiya' silent question, she answered with which she supposed a small convincing smirk. "And I don't want to call you by that fake name anymore. So, tell me." She crossed her arms across her chest, waiting for an appropriate answer to the questions nagging on the back of her mind.

Tokiya looked away from her form, closing his eyes in resignation, his lips turned into a thin line and his body almost sagging. Taking a small intake of breath, he opened his eyes, staring in a distance far away from where he was. "Because I want to sing… But I can't. It seems that my songs… don't have a heart, apparently," he stated, his voice surprisingly even with a slight taste of frustration that was so faint no one would've noticed. Erika shook her head solemnly and took a step forward, her arms swinging by the sides. "That's not true, Tokiya-san," she stated calmly.

"As I've said earlier, the song you sang has that heart, as one would say. I'd probably say that is your best s-,"

"Probably… because it's HAYATO's song, right? If I try to sing it as Ichinose Tokiya, it will do no good." At this, Erika was seething that her fringe had to hide her blazing red orbs, her teeth gritted as she strode towards him in long strides. She grabbed tightly on Tokiya's arm and turned him around so that he was now facing her, his face showing surprised, the taller of the two looked down at Erika's bowed head as he watched her shoulders shook a little violently.

"You idiot… How could you possibly say that?!" What made Tokiya hung his mouth open slightly in shock was when the girl snapped her head up so fast he swore he could almost hear her neck crack as she said the statement and saw a pair of blazing—no, more like a pair of deep crimson eyes staring at him angrily and her thin brown eyebrows met in the middle of her eyes, her face contorted into a mixture of anger and… was it sadness? He thought as he stared at her.

"You…" he trailed off, still not getting over his initial shock to not even notice that the girl had already removed her tight grip on his arm and stepped back, her face softening a little but he could still feel her anger radiating off her. Until he heard her speak as she tried to maintain her voice and not lash out at him. "I… I could and still feel the feelings you poured on that song and it's not because it's HAYATO's… but you should've gotten the fact that you and HAYATO are one and the same." Erika already calmed her body as her eyes changed from a deep crimson to a pale red until it became the ocean blue she originally had and her anger dissipated. Only the feeling of sadness lingered and her dimmed blue eyes eyed the wet, slightly muddy ground.

"I haven't been able to play, hell even make music for ten long years after the accident. From that day, I had decided on giving it all up, convincing myself that what's the point of continuing it when the ones I dedicate it to had already left. Even if I try to, they'll only bring painful memories that I really wanted to forget and bury deep in my mind." Then she returned her gaze towards the stoic bluenette who just stared at him, still wearing an emotionless mask, his lips forming a slight frown and his eyebrows creased a little, trying to comprehend what the girl in front of him had stated. Ten years? What had gotten to her that made her decide to give it up that long? He clearly didn't understand what the girl was trying to say and was about to ask something but stopped when he saw Erika's deep ocean blue orbs staring at his own void and dark pools of indigo, filled with other emotions that he couldn't identify.

"But… after hearing your song, I'd made a decision to myself that I would continue to make music that those I cared about had began to loved. I know that you won't believe me because I'm a fan of him and also to anything that I will say to you but…," she took a breath and said, "I want to believe that you will be able to sing someday and if you'll just-"

"That's enough." Erika now wore a confused expression in place of sadness and stared at Tokiya who had closed his eyes with a rather displeasing look. "I can't take any more of you talking like you understand me."

"W-what are you-?" Erika was a little hurt at that and she once again tried not to lash out at him, knowing that it would only do more harm than good, so she just shut it. "You and I are different you see, so don't place yourself with me, assuming that we are the same," he walked past her as he said it while excusing himself, giving her the cold shoulder. When Tokiya was already out of hearing range, Erika turned around one last time towards the direction where Tokiya had strode off to and she gritted her teethe hard, her body twitching from concealed anger and for once let out her anger in one phrase, one that she couldn't bring to shout at said male up front. "TOKIYA, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

She couldn't understand what was different from the both of them. Sure, hers had a much more pressing and more complicated life than she had showed and told her friends, a secret she could never and would never bring up so easily, fearing for their safety and Tokiya had this problem regaining only his lost aim, the aim that made him enter the show business, one could understand once he explained to them, but still kept it as a secret. But still, secrets are secrets, no matter how big or small, and they both know the feeling of hiding who you really were behind the mask you wore.

…..

The following day, Tokiya came to class as if nothing had transpired between Erika and himself last night and Erika was slightly glad for that. Apparently, he was now in A Class. Inside the room, there was an awkward silence hanging above their heads when he had came in and took an empty seat quietly at the back of the class. Erika, Haruka, Tomochika and Otoya only looked at him sadly from the front, not even uttering a single word, not even a simple 'good morning'. Erika watched as Tokiya flipped through his notebook as nothing unsettles him but she could clearly see he was slightly uncomfortable with the silence in his eyes and also by the way he was sitting so rigid, his posture stiff. Even Masato glanced at him briefly while he was playing the piano at the back. Although Natsuki was still acting as he usually was, his normally childish and bright personality even dimmed its light, affected by the sadness his friends were feeling.

Not more than three days had passed since Tokiya had moved into a regular class, rude comments about him had already spread around the campus like a plague but Tokiya seemed unaffected by all this, considering he had been in the business for who knows how long. He just walked around the hallway littered by gossiping students wearing the indifferent and emotionless mask of his, completely masking his uncomfortable feeling. All Erika, Haruka and Tomochika could only do was to watch by the sidelines and listen to the comments.

"Ichinose Tokiya…"

"He got dropped from the S Class…"

"He's HAYATO's brother, isn't he?"

"Brothers or not, they're completely different from each other…"

Erika couldn't stand hearing their comments, but she thought lashing out would not help in this situation, so she settled in a glare as she bowed down her head, her fringes covering her eyes that was trained on the floor beneath. Clenching her fists, she stomped lightly, almost inaudible on the opposite direction Tokiya went, ignoring her friends' call nor the burning stare of dark indigo eyes boring holes on her back, her now long salmon hair swaying with her movement. Still going down the hallway, she passed her other guy friends, not even stopping when the others greeted her until she was outside the campus building, deciding to stop her tracks when she came onto a wide clearing. When she looked up, her eyes were greeted with vast greenery and some trees swaying with the mild breeze. She stared up in the clear blue sky, the clouds riding upon the blue canvas.

Ne, Oka-sama, Otou-sama. Am I even doing a good job on rescuing those lost souls? She felt the breeze answer her by sending a gentle touch onto her head and she laughed bitterly. Maybe before this, I did a good job. But looks like this time, I will fail that. I don't even know what to do to help them, or in this case, him, to realize his own mistake. She sat on the grass as she heaved a long sigh. She put her chin on her folded arms above her folded knees and stared in the distance with her half-lidded eyes as she buried herself in a non-existent grief. "What should I do?" she wondered aloud. Then she felt something brushing her side slightly her head turned and saw that same soft black cat affectionately catching her attention. She let a small smile blossom on her pink lips and lifted the cat to sit on her lap.

"Hello, um… Gah, I don't even know what to call you!" Then she was struck by an idea. "I know! I'll call you Cecil!" She herself didn't know why she called him that, but the look in the cat's eyes told her to call him that. In either way, she let out a wide delighted smile as Cecil mewled in agreement and giggled. "Cecil, do you think everything will turn out all right?" she asked the cat which in turn stared at her with big shining emerald green eyes. Then she shook her head slowly as she stood up, Cecil the cat leaped from her lap and went his way away from her. She walked back towards the dorm building, feeling a little refreshed mentally and had calmed her raging emotions.

This is not the time to wallow myself again in sorrow about the things that still don't happen and hopefully will not; instead, I should focus on the present, where my dreams are nearly nearing its completion. She thought back on the things that happened in the past three months. Joyful laughter, the warm ambiance and the void feeling being filled again by her newly found friends that had helped her throughout the course. Then she made a determined look.

"Yoshi! I'll do my best!" she yelled, her fist pumping in midair and took off running towards the building for a needed rest for it's such a tiresome day.

…..

"Morning!"

"Oh! Look at this, guys!"

Basically, the whole student gathered in the main hall, looking the posters posted on the board a little while ago, trying to read it. Erika, Tomochika and Haruka were on the back and curse her short height, she tiptoed over the mass of heads to get a better view on one of the posters but she could only make out the words 'Summer Camp'. When she saw those words, a wide sparkly smile was plastered on her lips as she literally jumped in happiness and clasped her own hands on Tomochika's and both exclaimed.

"Summer camp is nearly here!" They once again squealed in glee.

"I can't wait for summer and enjoy the sun!" Erika cried still with that sparkly look while Haruka only looked at them in innocent confusion you could imagine a big question mark appear above her head.

"Summer camp?"

…..

"It's almost here! The long-awaited annual summer camp!" Ringo exclaimed to the class, his hands cupping his face while leaning on the desk and gave his characteristical wink. "The location is… the resort island in the South!" Everyone in class broke into murmurs and gasps of excitement and Erika clasped her hands together still having that sparkly look which made her friends looked at her strange and at the same time endearing, especially with the boys.

"The blue sea… sun… waving crashing onto the shore… the sweet wind…" As Ringo described a perfect image of the southern beach, Erika could practically feel it; the summer breeze blowing, the white fine sand dancing beneath her toes and the sea… Ah! Paradise! She almost sighed in content until she was broken from her perfect summer image by her teacher slamming both his hands on the desk, making the happy and carefree atmosphere turn into one with seriousness. "BUT! You shouldn't be carried away! After you come home, it's your hour of destiny. The time to decide as your partner for the graduation audition!" It almost slipped from her mind and mentally slapped herself on the forehead for forgetting such an important decision. The graduation audition… How could I forget that?! She screamed in her head. With all of the things happening these past few weeks, she even hadn't have the faintest thought on who she would choose as her partner.

"That's right. Pairs will be formed between the idol course and composing course students, and once decided, the two of you will be walking down the path of your dream debut!" After the word debut, he gave a wink at them and continued. "I know some of you had already decided on whom you'll be with, but for those who don't, this summer camp will be the perfect chance to find your perfect partner! That's why it's important, okay? So, minna, choose your partner wisely, and I know all of you already know this, but… remember, falling in love is forbidden. Got it, everyone?"

The class replied in chorus. Erika found herself glancing at Tokiya, who seems to be deep in thought but she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Haruka caught her gaze and she also turned to where she was staring at then glanced back at her friend. Could it be… she wanted Ichinose-san as her partner? Haruka smiled at the thought, glad that her best friend had considered Ichinose Tokiya as one of her possible partners. Haruka had caught their guy friends' gazes on her best friend when Erika thought she wasn't looking and therefore concluded that maybe, just maybe, they wanted to be the one Erika would choose as the lucky partner for her. Good luck on choosing the one, Eri-chan. There seems to be a big competition on being your partner for the audition. She thought and Erika glanced back to Haruka who she felt was the one staring at her.

"What's matter, Haru-chan?" she asked out of confusion. Haruka shook her delicately. "Nothing's wrong, Eri-chan." Erika raised her eyebrow but shrugged, leaving the confusion behind as Tomochika already talked to both of them, mainly asking on who they're going as partners.

Hope you could find pure happiness after finding the perfect partner for you, Eri-chan. She looked at Erika, her best friend that had experienced a very gruesome past, leaving her grieving in darkness, abandoning her passion for music. May you relive that bright passion once again…

And maybe, they can be the one that can touch and feel your broken heart.