23:44 – Sunday, January 15th 2012

To: anonymous (at) world academy w . edu

From: your lucky (at) world academy w . edu

Message:


Okay, you can't be "Anonymous." That doesn't count. Pick a real codename. Otherwise I'm gonna keep calling you "dude!" XP

Thank you, Anon – you know, for trying to being honest and loosening up and everything, just for me. I know I was asking a lot from someone who doesn't owe me anything. And I didn't mean to make you feel bad – I mean, maybe you just write all seriously like that all the time. If that is your style, then I'm sorry, I don't mean that it's bad. I just felt uncomfortable talking to someone who sounded so formal and distant. This email program was supposed to give us a fellow teenager to talk to, but it kinda felt like I was talking to a random adult stranger who couldn't understand me. So I really, really appreciate you trying to make me feel better by loosening up a bit. Honestly, I think it will be good for you, too.

You must be a really good person if you can apologize like you did. I'm not saying you needed to (and I'm sorry for making you feel so guilty!) I'm just impressed: I don't know anyone who would say sorry so freely like that in real life. I feel bad that I probably don't know you at school – at least not well. You obviously deserve more credit than I've probably given you if we ever have met before.

And before I go on, I just want you to know: do NOT feel bad that you don't think your secret is big enough. You shouldn't need to go through hell just to make other people feel better about their own lives. I'm sorry for making you think that's what I wanted – it really wasn't. I just wanted to share, you know? So that we can have a meaningful conversation and I can help you out with your own problems in return.

And besides, I know better than anyone how serious your problem really is. Because I am in the same boat (I'll explain later). Having a secret crush sounds normal and not such a big deal, but people shouldn't dismiss it so quickly. It's one of the worst secrets to have in the world, I'm sure of it – no matter how ordinary and common it is. So forget feeling that your secret is inadequate: I genuinely feel sorry for you that you have to live through it. It can be a terrible thing. I know I sometimes wish I could trade my problem for anything else in the world. (Though other times, I want to never let it go, no matter how stupid and hopeless the situation is.) So I totally understand where you're coming from, and I don't think your secret is small at all. And I'm totally here for you if you need to vent.

Anyway, before I start going on about my issues, let's talk about you first.

So you like Alfred F. Jones huh?

First off, I'm really sorry: I thought you were a boy! I mean, I asked if you were Ludwig or Roderich, and I keep calling you "dude"…I feel so stupid! Your writing style wasn't that girly, so I just assumed you were a guy, I guess. And you didn't want to talk about your problems, which I always think of as a guy thing. Looks like I just blindly believed in the stereotype that all girls love talking about their feelings and stuff. Well, I've learned my lesson. (You keep spelling learned and stuff with a T, btw. Just a heads up in case your spell check keeps missing it.) So yeah, I'm really sorry. I'm sure you don't look or sound like a boy at all in real life, don't worry – it's just 'cause your writing style is like an essay, so it's hard to tell.

Just in case you had similar confusion with me: I am a guy. But I'm totally happy to keep listening/reading you if you don't mind talking to a boy about this stuff.

Anyway. About Alfred.

I guess I should tell you first: I'm not gonna encourage you or anything. I'm happy to listen to you and support you when things get depressing, but I won't ever tell you to go for it and ask him out. I've heard that he's not interested in anyone, and I don't want you putting yourself out there and getting hurt. Nobody's self-confidence needs a hit like that. But that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, not at all, so please don't think that! It's not like he would reject you in particular, and then go out with someone else – he doesn't want to go out with anyone. So don't feel bad. And this isn't just a rumour, by the way – he told me himself. I mean, we're not best friends or anything, but I know him okay enough to know that it's true.

So just out of curiosity, why can't you tell anyone that you like Alfred? It seems lots of girls like him, so I'm sure you could get it all off your chest to them. Unless the other girls are all bitchy and competitive towards each other because they're fighting over him…I have seen them being pretty horrible to each other sometimes, just because of him – I guess I'd be scared to talk to them about it too, if I was a nice person like you.

I just don't get why you girls all like Alfred so much. He seems like a dumb jock to me – really shallow and superficial. I mean, I get that he's popular 'cause he's cute and the quarterback and whatever, and at school that's a big deal. But in the real world he's just another guy. There's an Alfred F. Jones like that in every grade, in every school, in every town, in every country in the world. That's a lot of Alfred's. He may be popular at the academy, but he's really nothing special in the grand scheme of things. And yet people treat him like a freaking superstar around here! It just weirds me out. I mean…wtf, basically. What did he do? Why does he deserve this kind of attention? He hasn't done anything to earn it as far as I can see. He shouldn't let it get to his head.

So, anyway, I'm sorry I can't give you any great advice for winning Alfred round. And I hope you can understand what I'm saying about him not being all he's cracked up to be. You don't have to feel too depressed that you can't go out with him – I don't think it would be as awesome as you'd expect. I know he's popular and everything, but that's not the most important thing in a boyfriend. You should be able to connect with a guy, you know? And I'm sure one day you'll meet someone like that: someone who'll instantly appreciate how kind and smart you are, and who will be totally impressed by your amazing grammar skills XD. I'm not saying you'll find him right now, and I know the idea of that happening "one day" isn't enough to make your current situation much better. So I'll be here to listen to you about Alfred for as long as you need me.

Anyway, now for my secret. This is something I've wanted to talk about for forever but I just haven't had the chance, so thank you for listening/reading me.

Well, here goes:

I'm in love with Arthur Kirkland.

Yeah, the stuffy student council president. That Arthur Kirkland.

And before you ask: yes, I'm in the closet about it and everyone thinks I'm straight. But funny enough, that's not the part I'm most worried about. I don't care that I like a guy. I was raised to know that we're all equal no matter who we fall in love with, and I know my family and closest friends are the kind of people who would accept me no matter what.

My problem is that Arthur would never like me back. First of all, I don't know if he's gay. (I kinda think so, but I don't know if that's just wishful thinking.) Secondly, even if he was gay, he would never in a million years like someone like me. And that's not me being emo, it's something anyone could tell you.

The thing is, he's the only guy I like. I'm not attracted to anyone else – hell, I don't even look at girls anymore! It's just him. Fricking Arthur Kirkland. So I don't wanna come out of the closet and completely throw my old life away (I liked my old life) for something that will never happen. If I end up getting attracted to other guys in the future, then sure I'll come out. If it's who I am then I want everyone to know. But if it's just Arthur and I never get to be with him…then I don't want to tell anyone. Because then every time someone mentioned me being gay/bi I would think of him, and remember how I never got to be with the one guy who made me that way. Seems kind of unfair to turn my world upside down just so people can remind me about something depressing my whole life.

So I don't really wanna put myself through coming out and all those consequences at school when it's something that might never actually affect my life.

Unfortunately that means I have had to keep my crush secret. And really unfortunately that means you are now going to have to listen to me gush about him all the time.

I know I sounded kind of emo talking about staying in the closet and him never liking me and stuff – but really I love having a crush on Arthur because he's amazing! And it feels awesome to finally tell someone! So I hope you don't mind if I spend most of my emails just ranting about him. He's all I ever think about – and usually I never shut up about stuff I like, but since I can't tell anyone about this (the one thing I want to talk about MOST) it's really hard for me to keep it all inside! It feels like I'm gonna explode! So thanks for offering to listen to me, and I apologize in advance for me spazzing about him all the time.

So, I guess that's enough for now. I'll wait for you to reply before I start going on about him. Honestly, I think once I start I'm never gonna be able to stop!

So wait a sec : how do you know who Gilbert got? Isn't this thing supposed to be anonymous? Are you a hacker or something?

And sure I may write in a really common style, but it's hard for me to guess who you are when you write like a textbook. And I hadn't actually thought about how you might be from another grade – that makes it even harder! I'll have to look harder for clues…

And dude, "amusement park?" Yeah, school is pretty much where we go to work – but that's the beauty of it: it's NOT work yet! One day you'll have a real job and there really will be no fun and games. But at school you're supposed to make friends and memories and have a good time! You should take advantage of your time here a bit more.

Like me for example: I emailed you at 2am last time because I was out having fun. I know we technically have a curfew but screw it: I'm young and free and I don't do anything bad or dangerous. I shouldn't have to be cooped up in the dorms on a Saturday night! I would have missed out on some amazing memories if I'd stayed in this weekend. It was so fun! Ugh, guess I can't tell you what we did in case you hear about it on Monday and figure out who I am. Anyway, it was awesome.

And dude, don't worry about being grumpy sometimes. If that's who are, go for it! People always say "Be yourself!" but that's only easy if you think people will like who you are. I think everyone should be themselves all the time – whether they're grumpy, angry, stupid…sleepy, dopey, sneezy or doc! XD Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyway, I won't get offended if you get annoyed with me sometimes. I'm pretty sure you don't really mean it, and even if you do, you're entitled to your own opinions. (But I think you're secretly a softy, since you're being so nice and talking to me and stuff ;) You don't need to feel shy about being nice, people won't think bad about you!)

Anyway, can't wait for you to write back. TTYL

Oh, and don't forget to pick a new codename!

The Hero