A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen
Chapter 7: Lonely
Both Mochu and Natsume were surprised when Hotaru Imai opened the door for them at Tsubasa's.
Blinking away his surprise, Mochu acted quickly. "Hey, you made it!" He greeted, smiling at Hotaru.
Hotaru did not return the happy sentiments; instead, she stared at Natsume as if he were one of her specimen in the biology lab. Feeling like a butterfly pinned to the wall, Natsume fluttered desperately, "Hey, Imai. How are you?"
"Fine," came her bland answer.
It was clear to Natsume that Hotaru was probably pissed off at him. Probably for not calling Mikan that Friday. Probably for not listening to Mikan when he had the chance. Probably for being a shitty boyfriend in the first place.
The probabilities were all certainties in this case.
Being Mikan's best friend meant that Hotaru felt all the anger Mikan should be feeling towards Natsume. She did not bother to hide those feelings, evidently.
Curtly, she hissed, "Hyuuga. Nice to see you at a party."
Subtext: Go fuck yourself; you should be at home calling Mikan, not at a party wearing a stupid leather jacket.
Natsume answered, "I didn't want to come."
Subtext: How is Mikan?
She didn't reply, and left Mochu and Natsume.
Mochu whistled, "Well, that was awkward. I thought she was going to stab with you her eyes or something."
Natsume scoffed, "Well, thanks for having my back."
"Anytime Natsume, anytime."
Tsubasa's house was crammed with people, blaring with music, and littered with food and alcohol. Natsume never really enjoyed parties; in fact, he had only been to parties with Mikan at her request. Now he thought about it, this was his first party since New Year's.
He had only been to parties with Mikan.
Luca, Koko, Kitsune-me and Mochu may have all been beside him, drinking beers, talking, yet Natsume was acutely aware that Mikan wasn't by his side then and there. He was the unwanted jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece; he was the useless car without tyres. He was incomplete and unable to function.
He couldn't quite keep up with the conversations, so, he walked down memory lane, remembering how Mikan always noticed when he was feeling a bit lost a party. "You want head home?" she always had asked him at that point. If he had lied and said no, five minutes later, she always had made up an excuse and asked him whether he minded to go home. She always had his best interests at heart.
Now, no one was there to ask him whether he was okay.
Because he was not okay.
Seeing all these familiar faces but not Mikan's made him feel sick; lost in vacuous laughter, swimming in a whirlpool of boring conversations; drowning in the music; and finally, death by alcohol.
It hadn't even been thirty minutes, when he (trying his best to be casual about it) asked Mochu whether he wanted to head back home.
Mochu's answer was to pointedly flick the joint in his hand. "There's no way I'm driving for the next two or three hours, mate."
Koko was drunk. Kitsune-me too. Luca was chatting up Hotaru, who was clearly not enchanted by his pink cheeks and hiccups.
Natsume attention flickered to the joint Mochu was holding. With every suction, the spark glowed; the embers ignited… and with every breath, warm smoke curled from within Mochu.
Heat, smoke and light.
Before he could stop himself, he asked the random man sitting next to him whether he could have a joint too. The man quickly complied, with a wink, in a brotherly manner that reminded him of the mafia.
"Could… could you light it for me?" Natsume asked. "I'm not allowed to touch lighters or matches."
The man's brotherly manner dissolved at that. "Weirdo," he sneered, but nonetheless lighted the joint for him and left.
His friends didn't even realise as Natsume touched the evil cousin of fire. Instead, they were hooting with laughter, Koko making obscene and sexual hand gestures.
He pondered again why people enjoyed this soulless interaction whilst smoking. To forget? To forget that the universe they lived in was a cruel place that didn't give a shit about them?
The religious fool who believes that he has purpose and destiny as God's creation… what blissful ignorance they live in! They are supervised 24/7 by God, who they pray and talk to despite the lack of answers; believing that this entity has a divine purpose for every single living creature, whether she, he or it likes it or not.
What arrogance! Arrogance to think they hold such importance, Natsume viciously thought. He was not the arrogant one here. How could he have ever thought he was the arrogant one pursuing knowledge – knowledge frees humankind! There's nothing arrogant about that.
(His thoughts racing, speeding down a one way street, accelerating—)
At least he doesn't arrogantly think he knows what this 'God' wants, only to tell everyone else what to think and do. At least he knows that the universe does not give a shit about you.
I know my place.
He knows all to well about the extensive number of collapsing stars, failed solar systems and the huge imploding galaxies that all truly exist in this universe. Fact. And lo and behold, there we are! There: in a tiny, tiny, tiny corner of universe, in a petty solar system with only one measly planet that can sometimes support life on some of its surface.
Do people (did Mikan) believe this God, as it said in Genesis, carefully filled earth with species, all of which but 1% are already extinct? What kind of designer is that? A flawed, stupid and uncalculating one; God was simply a product of one narcissistic man's desperate desire to have a meaning in this life, simply to elevate his futile existence.
There is a reason why I am here! There is a reason why I was born. I have a destiny. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! There is no reason why you are here, why you were born, and destiny does not exist.
The universe does not care.
It does not care—
"Natsume," Kitsune-me cat-called, "get me a—"
Natsume didn't bother listening to what Kitsune-me wanted, he just stood up, nodding. This gave him an excuse to leave them all. He'd go to the toilet, and lock the door and think some more, he decided. He was angry yet feeling apathetic all the same.
Without meaning to, Natsume bumped into someone.
"S'cuse me," he automatically apologised.
"It's my fault." Luna's quiet voice softly replied.
"Oh, hey Luna." She was the first girl that Natsume had spoken to that night. "How are you… I mean, you alright? Having… fun?"
Luna answered truthfully. "No."
Natsume knew that being sincere was being kind to Luna. "Nor I am."
He looked into her dull eyes: a lonely cold planet of its own existence, empty and infinite.
"I heard you broke up with Mikan. I'm sorry."
Natsume swallowed. "Yeah. I am too."
"What happened?" Luna did not beat around the bush.
"I was stupid. She was ignorant. Or maybe she was stupid and I'm ignorant. Or maybe we're both stupid and ignorant. I'm not sure anymore. I just know I fucking hate it."
"I fucking hate it too."
Here was someone who acknowledged in this hollow party that the universe wasn't fair.
"Do you want to get out of here?" Natsume asked before he even knew what this meant.
"Yes."
Natsume nodded. Luna put her hand in Natsume's. Natsume hadn't bothered to take his leather jacket off, and nor had Luna bothered to take her cardigan off. They were ready to leave as soon as they had arrived, with each other; two broken pieces hoping to be part of something and whole again.
They walked hand in hand out of Tsubasa's insincere house.
Hotaru saw the whole thing.
A/N: Hey guys. Most of you saw this coming… dun dun dun…
I hope you guys don't hate me too much! Wait till tomorrow and see what plays out :)
OK. I AM SO LATE. Unfortunately I won't be able to respond to your reviews with my update like I usually do. Sorry! I'll probably just add it in tomorrow's chapter. Nonetheless, please let me know what you think of this chapters etc.
On that note, see you tomorrow!
Love,
LS
