Disclaimer: Once upon a time, my mom actually gave me an allowance. XD
A/N: I'm sorry for taking such a long time to get this out—towards the end of the school year, I became a manga editor for Kawaru-Enishi, and then I REALLY had to study for Finals XD, and then I went to math camp for three weeks (where I didn't have internet access). I know I said I had bits and pieces of this written out, but when I finally sat down to it, I realized I actually only wrote about two pages (out of nearly ten).
I put the epilogue in the next chapter because I thought it looked better. XD
Well, here it is… the End. Enjoy!
XXXX
Your Saving Grace
By
celinae
Chapter 6: And All That's Left Is
XXXX
Yes… one day, three years ago, she had killed a man. It didn't matter that now he was alive again, or that he was trying to kill the past, but that she had killed him once.
She had forgotten…
Which was strange, because something like that she shouldn't have forgotten so easily.
Maybe the truth was too bitter to always remember, and it made sense. Maybe the reason she could never stop obsessing about Sasuke was because the answer was hidden deep inside herself, and she never had the strength to reach in and dig it out.
She found herself reminded of a story she had once heard. A monk had been tempted by a girl from a village next to his monastery, and indulged in one night of sin. When his secret was found out, the monk was forced to beat himself every morning and night to repent.
Until blood ran down his hands, until he could not speak to God for the pain. All for one night of pleasure and decay; of giving into creeping, dark emotions.
Maybe he had been trying to erase it from his skin, until he never saw his sin again.
Was it useless?
Sakura felt pity for the fallen monk, and for herself.
XXX
When she awoke, the light creeping into her room was gray and diluted. She yawned and stretched across the narrow bed, trying to ease out the knots in her stiff shoulders, until the pain hit. Lightheaded, she reached up to her arm and inspected the bandage wrapped around it.
There were bandages wrapped around both of her arms and hands, and on some of her torso. Sakura supposed that most of them were burns from Sasuke's fire jutsu, which she still cursed herself for being caught by.
Being distracted by memories… and Kakashi… is no excuse for passing out because of such an elemental jutsu!
She reached up with her thick, gauze-covered hands and discovered her hair had been shorn off to barely an inch long, and twitched. She didn't really mind about getting scars, since she was a ninja, and ninjas inevitably got scars, but she was a bit peeved about her hair.
A cruel way to tell me that my past is truly gone, she thought, and smiled sadly to herself, remembering who she had once been.
XXX
The next time she awoke, a nurse was leaning over her, and she remembered all the times she herself had done just the same. Smiling numbly at the patient, exchanging brief, unfeeling conversation, putting the tap water and bottle of meds on the counter.
She wanted alcohol, but the nurse pushed her back down, complacently, and told her that she shouldn't move yet. After Sakura gulped down the pain killers and the nurse left again, she threw the covers off and stared at the ceiling.
She wanted a distraction, because there was no way she'd be able to survive the next week without anything to do but memorize the constellation of cracks before her eyes, and swallow pills.
She wanted Kakashi to come and smile enigmatically, to sit in the corner and read Icha Icha Paradise while she fumed and glanced at him secretly. She wanted him to come closer to her bed while she looked nervously away, she wanted him to reach out and touch delicately the skin of her neck. She wanted him to bend over and kiss her, and then ease himself on top of her and kiss her some more.
She wanted him so much until she knew that she needed him, that it didn't matter whether he wanted her back, nor that what she felt might be something beyond lust. Just that he was there.
stupid, so stupid
So when she woke up two days later to silver eyes, she was speechless with desire.
XXX
"K-kakashi?"
He smiled stiffly. "Yo."
Sakura felt herself relax with relief, but couldn't stop the dull pound of cold in her heart.
stupid, can't believe how
"So you healed faster than I did," and it wasn't really a question, just an observation, but Sakura still felt her uncertainties hovering beneath the skin of words.
"You healed most of my injuries before, and shielded me from the fire jutsu, so that's probably why."
Sakura couldn't say anything to this, so she remained silent, until another question blossomed in her mind.
She started shaking.
"A-and… Sasuke—" she choked out, her eyes wet with tears she would not shed, because she wanted to forget, but crying meant—
And crying meant that everything was hopeless, that she could never, ever get past the cycles of self-hatred and denial—
stupid and
"He's alive," Kakashi said finally, while tears silently spilled down her cheeks. Sakura wasn't sure if he noticed it or not, but she didn't care, even though she needed him so much…
"It's just…" he faltered. "He's not really alive, either."
despicable i am—
XXX
She lay there crying long after Kakashi had left, and felt so spoiled for allowing herself to cry. Ninjas never did that, but she wasn't really a ninja, was she? Sakura didn't feel like sleeping, even though she was tired, so she spit the pills into her hand when the nurse wasn't looking.
At night she waited until the nurses' shifts changed, and then snuck out into the hall. It still hurt to move, but she knew that by now, she could walk around a little, as long as she didn't overexert herself.
Besides, she needed to find him. Just to make sure.
Sakura didn't know exactly what she wanted to check, but she wanted to feel like a delinquent for once, so she kept going until she found his room. Swallowing nervously, she glanced down the hall to check for any meandering nurses, and then quickly opened the door and rushed in as fast as she could.
The room was dark, though some moonlight rushed in between the curtains. On the bed she could see a dark shape breathing steadily, and came closer to check if it was the right person. She knelt by the bed and reached out to touch a pale cheek, and found her hand caught by Naruto's.
He was awake, but he looked exhausted and old. Band-aids and small bandages were visible on most of his limbs, but it looked like nothing was too serious. But is it just me, or does his hair seem white? Sakura thought.
She smiled awkwardly. "Hi, Naruto." He didn't smile back, and instead looked into her eyes for a long, empty moment.
"Sa—"
Finally Sakura discerned tears dripping from his eyes, and for a second, she was at a loss for what to do.
Would it be okay, if I… held him? Am I allowed to do that, will it do him any good? Will my arms help ease away some of his pain?
Or will he always, always be alone…
Sakura's shoulder was wet where he had pressed his face against her hospital gown.
XXX
A few days later Ino visited her, and came with a bunch of tulips she placed in a vase by the window. Sakura felt the pity radiating off her in waves, but she didn't care, because Ino was the first visitor she'd had since Kakashi. She wasn't going to be picky, after such a long time with no human contact.
"Is it spring already?" Sakura asked, rising up on her elbows to look up at Ino. She sat in the only chair in the room, her hand stroking one of the tulip's petals.
"Ah. Well, these are a few of the tulips that I got in a shipment from farther south; it's already spring there. They're pretty, aren't they?"
Sakura smiled sadly. "You shouldn't have given them to me—this side of the building doesn't get a lot of light, so they'll die quickly."
Ino turned around to gaze at her, and then closed her eyes briefly in a grimace. Slowly, almost painfully, Ino stood up and walked over to Sakura where she lay in the bed, and then sat down at the foot of her bed.
"Sasuke died last night," she finally said, her voice cracking.
"They say he wasn't really alive anyway, that Naruto's jutsu had done more harm than good…"
"Ino," and it was that strange tone that caught her attention, because Sakura spoke with such a stiff, angry voice, "tell me what really happened that night."
And Ino took a deep breath and sighed.
XXX
Naruto made a deal with the Shinigami, just like Yondaime did all those years ago. But instead of offering his own soul, Naruto offered the Shinigami the Kyuubi's. Although the Kyuubi had resisted, Naruto had eventually gotten the upper hand… Tsunade-sama said that she thought he used some seal he probably learned from Jiraiya, or from the Hokage's library.
In return, the Shinigami took Orochimaru out of Sasuke's body. But Sasu—Orochimaru had been in Sasuke's body for so long that not much of the original him remained. Sasuke was a vegetable for nine days he lived, before his heart finally stopped.
Naruto, on the other hand, still has a lot of the Kyuubi's chakra, since it was absorbed into his system as a result of the seal. But the whiskers are gone, and it seems like the Shinigami had taken away some of his happiness, too.
XXX
Sakura wondered if the Kyuubi was really the only price Naruto paid.
But she couldn't tell, because she didn't see Naruto or Kakashi until she was finally released from the hospital. Aya dropped by before her last breakfast to tell her she didn't need to come to work for a week, but Sakura didn't rejoice that much.
She wasn't sure about what she'd do to pass the time, because if Kakashi were interested in her he probably would have stopped by more often. She wanted to hate him so much, but she couldn't.
Sakura wasn't sure why, but then again she wasn't in the mood for dissecting herself. It was easier to push everything away, just like with Sasuke, in those endless moments waiting for her wounds to heal.
Except they never really did, did they?
XXX
It was a chilly morning in the beginning of spring when Haruno Sakura, age twenty-one, was woken up by her banshee-sakura alarm. Now, this may seem like an ordinary occurrence.
However, the truth was, Sakura was pissed. (And unusually pissed, at that.)
"You know what?
"You know what, you freaking, &!#ing #$$-headed piece of $? I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS -ING CRAP! I'M TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING EMO AND PMSING, I'M GODDAMN TIRED OF ALL THE STUPID #$-ING #$ THAT FATE'S BEEN HANDING ME! I SWEAR, I'M SO $#-ING ANNOYED OF ALL THIS $#!
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"YOU KNOW WHAT? (DON'T YOU DARE STARE AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU GODDAMN PANSY-PETALED FLOWER!)
"AFTER BASHING YOUR #$-ING STAMEN IN, I'M GOING TO EAT BREAKFAST. SO GET OFF MY #$-ING ASS, YOU PIECE OF #$!"
Angrily, Sakura stabbed the floating pieces of cereal with her spoon.
Hmph. They say the second stage of grief is anger. Sakura looked up from her bowl to stare at the guts of the sakura alarm clock splattered all over her wall. Well, my pet, my darling sakura flower, what do you have to say to that?
Mou, don't go saying that it wasn't your fault, because I can't hear a single word you're saying! NYAHAHA!
Inner Sakura stared at the various demons cackling inside Sakura's head, and calmly remarked, "You've cracked."
Hey, you're the reason I'm this insane. If you never existed, I probably wouldn't have been so obsessed with Sasuke in the first place.
"I'm sorry for being the psychological manifestation of your insanity, then!"
Hey, Kami-sama, can you hear me? How 'bout we make a deal—you take this bat-shit crazy Inner Sakura away, and then we can erase the past eight years of misery from my memory, eyy?
"Well, it looks like you won't have to suffer much longer—you've already progressed to the third stage—bargaining!" chirped Inner Sakura, and Sakura wanted to stab something.
Gah, I want chocolate. Or pocky. Or chocolate pocky. Damnit, why does this kind of shit happen to me?
"Because you're bat-shit crazy, my dear. It's in the definition."
Yes, I guess… every shinobi has some sort of secret suffering. We wouldn't be shinobi otherwise—mindlessly killing people, throwing away things like pride, emotion, happiness for our village. And because of this suffering, we're all crazy.
"It looks like you understand the basics. I'm proud."
Oh, shut it with your sarcasm. It doesn't befit you.
XXX
In the afternoon she stopped by the Yamanaka florists to buy a bouquet. Ino kept her eyes on her the whole time, but Sakura left a thin smile on her face and asked after her health. It was only on the way to the memorial that she let the smile drop from her face.
When she was finally there she took the lilies she bought and ripped the petals into pieces. The droplets of white swirled around her once and were borne away by the wind, disappearing into the forest around her. She reached out to touch one soft piece but it slipped from her fingers.
So fragile, she remembered, and she wondered when she had stopped caring.
"You've already died once," Sakura finally said. "So I don't need to tell you everything again, you bastard. We all gave you a chance, and you left us—him, behind. Because of that, because of everything, you deserve to rot in hell, and I hope Satan has fun tearing your limbs apart, one by one."
It was the end of something, Sakura knew. She wasn't ever—
She wasn't ever going to cry because of those cold dark eyes again.
XXX
It was only after she turned her back to the grave that she noticed him standing there. For a moment, the only thing she could hear was the sound of the wind rushing through the branches of the trees, and the sound of birdsong far off.
And then he smirked. "Quite a nice eulogy you gave him."
"One he deserved."
"Ah. I guess the ripping of the lilies also represented your anger at him."
"He doesn't deserve flowers for what he did."
"And what exactly did he do? Enlighten me, I'm curious," with that stupid grin on his face, with that stupid, stupid—
She lunged forward, and he didn't have time to react as she reached to his neck and gripped the part where the mask met his skin. His pulse fluttered a bit beneath her fingers, as she stared into his one visible eye.
"He killed me. He killed Naruto!"
And in her mind's eye she saw the tears trickling down Naruto's moonlit face, felt the wetness against her shoulder. She saw the years she spent mourning over the glimpse of a man she never knew, or never really loved.
"We were innocent! And he destroyed us, because his insensible vendetta against the past."
And she saw Orochimaru in Sasuke's skin, saw the garbled last breaths of her comrades, saw the blood and remembered that breathless moment where everything was so sharp and painful.
Her hands were clutching the rough canvas of his vest, and with every word she shook her fists.
"He killed us, and now we're dead!"
Even though she had promised to herself that she wouldn't shed a tear, she found herself breaking down again. It was all because of him, Sakura knew. Kakashi seemed to destroy her walls as fast as she put them up.
She pitied herself, because again she was a teary, sobbing mess. Again, Sasuke made her cry, despite how many times she had cried already.
He was looking at her, staring right at her, but she couldn't meet his gaze.
"D-don't… don't look at me…" her grip slipping, her knees weakening so that she fell to the ground. Her hands grabbed at the dirt, while her tears dropped onto the ground and made little wet patches of mud.
The chilly breeze stung her wet cheeks, and then suddenly there was a canvas jounin vest squishing them. Sakura didn't want to look up, so she wound her arms around his waist.
"I—" she gasped, "I'm so…"
He just held her, and didn't say a word, so she cried, until she couldn't cry anymore.
Please.
"Don't… let go," she muttered, when she could keep the tears out of her voice.
Because I can't keep on pretending everything's fine.
"Okay," he said, his voice quiet and soft.
Because I can't do this on my own.
He smelled faintly like sweat and aftershade, and even though it wasn't a sweet or fragrant scent, Sakura wanted to keep breathing it in.
You know the truth, don't you?
"What happened?" he asked, his hands shifting slightly on her back, rubbing up and down.
So I don't need to tell you anything.
"I—" Sakura started to say, but tears filled her eyes and she couldn't finish her sentence. Gasping, she tightened her arms around his waist, her body closing the gap between them in an unconscious effort to burrow into his embrace. He smelled so comforting…
Right?
"Baka," he exhaled, reaching down to pull her chin up. "I'm your sensei, right? So tell me what's bothering you, or it'll hinder your progress."
Sakura twitched. Sniffling, she rubbed her nose with her hand and retorted, struggling to keep resentment out of her voice, "What progress? You're only my 'sensei' when it's convenient."
Kakashi smirked, and replied, "Hmm. Petulant, aren't we. Maybe you don't want me to be your sensei at all?"
A few tears dripped out of her eyes. "W-what else would you be, then?"
"How 'bout 'Kakashi-chan?'" he smirked, his hand swiftly wiping away the trails of salt water from her cheeks.
Because you'll just… know.
"Kakashi-sensei," she said, trying the words on her tongue.
"Hm?"
"It works best, I think," she muttered to herself, her fingers twisting around the zipper to his vest, pulling it up and down.
He huffed. "So you think I'm too old to be Kakashi-chan?" Kakashi said, his hand stilling hers over the zipper.
"Not really. I mean, after all, even Hinako called you that," she muttered, turning her eyes away from his burning, playful ones, and pulling her fingers from his grasp.
Laughing, he tried to speak, but Sakura interrupted him, "Shut up, I know what's you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it."
It was silent again, and the wind blew fiercely, causing Sakura to snuggle closer to Kakashi's body heat. He chuckled, running his fingers through her hair, and Sakura shivered from the sensation of his hands sliding against the length of her pink locks.
"So… I'm your sensei, aren't I?" he murmured, more to himself then to her. He was smirking, that jerk, and Sakura couldn't suppress her twitching eyebrow as she wondered exactly what he was laughing at. It's probably something perverted, isn't it, Sakura thought with a sinking feeling.
"Well, since you seem more than willing… and after all, there's not really much more I can teach you… How about I'm your sensei on sex?"
Sakura punched him.
Yes, I'm sure you will.
Fin.
XXXX
