The Hueco Mundo Gazette, June 3

Scandal! Streakers, Nudists, and People on Strike!

Hello, Arrancar! Today we have some simply shocking news! It has recently been found out that the one behind the, erm, streaking incident going on here was Grimmjow. Every Tuesday night, he would run around Hueco Mundo completely naked yelling, "I'm a cute kitty! And kitties are NAKED! Yay!" Fortunately, the Hueco Mundo Police Department found Grimmjow and arrested him under the following charges:

-Disruptive behavior

-Unwanted display of nakedness

-Permanent mental scarring of the children and female Arrancar

-Stupidity

The time in prison for streaking is seven weeks. Since Grimmjow is an Espada, his sentence has been lowered to five weeks. The HMPD also found out that Grimmjow was paid to the above crimes by Szayel, who is now publically a nudist. He was not arrested, but his fraccion took it upon themselves to go on strike for no apparent reason. Thank you for joining us for this sort-of-emergency broadcast.

Important Letter Announcement!

Dear Arrancar,

Hello, it is I, your favorite (not really—you probably hate me, but I'm just following what Gin told me to write) Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer. For some strange reason, Aizen has chosen for me to write the annual newsletter for the month of June. I'm supposed to start out by writing some sort of "greeting" trash, but that just seems overrated and too cheerful to me. Basically, in your definition, I think it's "retarded". So now I'm supposed to say how I'm so glad to be writing this, which I'm really not, etc, etc. Oh, and I'd just like to make one thing clear: I AM NOT L LAWLIET. NOR AM I HARRY POTTER. I AM NOT RELATED TO, FRIENDS WITH, OR ACQUAINTENCES WITH L OR HARRY. Okay, now that that's settled, it's time for me to ask some stupid "Trivia Question of the Month!" Yay. As you can see, I'm practically exploding with this "excitement" thing that happens to trashy humans occasionally. And our stupid "trivia question" of the month is this: "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Now, anybody who's anybody would know that the actual air-speed velocity of any swallow is twenty-four miles per hour, but—oops, I apparently wasn't supposed to tell you that. Oh well. Hopefully you "retarded" Arrancar won't lose any sleep over the fact that I spoiled the answer to your petty little trivia question. Moving on. Now, I am supposed to get to the actual newsletter and tell you how things are going in Hueco Mundo. Things are fine. There. This infernal newsletter can finally come to a trashy close.

NOT sincerely yours,

Ulquiorra Cifer

Dear Arrancar,

I was just informed by Gin that the newsletter must be over five-hundred words. I am not writing this to obey him. I am writing it to say, "Ha, I shall not agree to your petty demands." So I now bring this letter to a close, for the SECOND time, and without making it five-hundred words. Ha.

I hate you.

Ulquiorra

Dear Arrancar,

Apparently, Gin did NOT appreciate the use of sarcasm and sass in my last letter, and demanded that I write another letter that is at least 150 words long. This time, I am going to obey Gin, and make a two-hundred word letter about how big of a scumbag Gin is. Here we go. Gin Ichimaru is an untalented, fat, ugly, ill-tempered, demanding, snotty, idiotic, crummy, moronic, slimy, "retarded", nasty, lying, scumbag of a Captain. I hate him so much that if Lord Aizen didn't actually LIKE that guy (which I didn't know was possible—I personally think that he's using Kyoka Suigetsu on us all to make us think that he cares for this trash) I would Cero him to no end. This guy—to use another stupid human word—"Sucks". There you have it, idiots. I hate this guy.

This was fun to write,

Oh, you know who I am already.

Hueco Mundo Gazette Special Announcement!

Unfortunately, Gin Ichimaru, our main journalist, got in a fight with Ulquiorra and is currently undergoing plastic surgery to make his face "sexy like before," in Gin's own words. For now, Tesla Lindocruz will be standing in as Lead Journalist. Please continue to pray for Gin's speedy recovery and even consult the Mullet of Truth in Aizen's throne room if you are overly distressed about this incident.

"Text Talk" with Lilynette!

Today, out new journalist, Lilynette Gingerback, is here to translate all of those confusing "text words" that human teenagers use these days. We now present "Text Talk" with Lilynette!

LOL—Lick Ostrich Lolypops

BRB—Barf Rabbit Buts

L8R—Lilynette Ate the Rabbit

TTYL—Talking Terminators Yip Lovingly

WTF—Why The Ferrets?

FTW—Free Tickling Wabbits

TTFN—Talking Terminators' Friendly Noodles

IMO—I Make Omelets

ONYD—Ostriches Now Yip Dangerously

Join Lilynette next time for more "Teen Text" translations! *These translations are 100% accurate and never wrong.

Advertisement Sections

Ad #1-Announcement

Dear Arrancar,

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Ad #2—Arrancar's Fanfictions

Arrancar No. #21, CrimsonBloodGoddess, has created their own fanfiction, titled "Everything Burns"! CrimsonBloodGoddess's summary for this fanfiction is: "Saya has regained, lost, and re-regained her memories over and over again. Will it ever end? And in the end will she return to her long lost love, or stay in the Human World?" Make sure to check out this awesome fanfiction!

Ad #3—Espada Sub Needed!

Due to both Szayel and Grimmjow committing crimes this weekend, Lord Aizen is in need of some new Espada. No previous experience required. Come by tomorrow and see if YOU can be a temporary Espada! WARNING: There is no guarantee that you will not suffer a horrible, graphic, painful death like Luppi.

Ad #4-PUPPIEZ! YAYZ!

Yammy has now sucessfully opened up a puppy shop where you can buy your own puppies. Please stop by, or Yammy will eat all of us. That will not be good.

Author's Note

Personally, I think this is the funniest one so far, but that's just me. I tried to make Ulquiorra in character, but I'm no sure I did a good job.

NOTICE: Announcement #1 is not lying! I need you guys to send in your "resumes" to me either in a PM or in your review. Make sure to include all of the things mentioned in the ad, and try to make it your funniest! It can be an OC or just a character from another series like I did with Harry :)

Please send in ads, ideas, and resumes! Next time will include an issue dedicated to Starrk for his birthday!

I do not own Bleach. If I did, Bleach would not be on two weeks hiatus.

Later,

Potterwatcher