I know I know I'm a horrible person for making you wait this long for an update but here's about 13 pages worth of story! I apologize for any grammatical errors and such. I was happy that I finally got this chapter the way I wanted it that I wanted to post right away.
I don't own anything! Damn you Smeyer!
Running
BPOV
I didn't want to open my eyes…hell I never wanted to.
I was hot and sweating; my head was pounding.
Don't open your eyes
I felt two separate pairs of arms draped over my torso, two separate breaths on each side of my face. This was not good
Don't open your eyes
If I opened my eyes that meant everything really had happened.
I was supposed to sing at Twilight, to show Rose and Alice that I would be okay; I could function by myself. My friends needed move on with their lives and not fret over me. I was holding them back.
But I screwed it all up.
I tried my best not to cry, but the tears came. I tried not to let them no how much pain I was in but my voice cracked.
Over the past weeks I had started seeing glimmers of my friends starting to be social, and the song was supposed to reassure them, to help them to keep moving- but instead we were back at square one
I tried to force myself to go back to sleep, but I knew sleep would mean pain. Waking up and facing another day would mean a different kind of pain. Over months the pain had subsided, and when I actually noticed that and guilt overwhelmed me and the pain would come flooding back
Eyes shut Bella
Instead sleeping or actually moving to face the day ahead of me, I took the time to try and piece some things together.
There was an obvious time gap between me singing and me winding up on the bed. In other words the big question was, what happened?
I racked my brain to try to remember what had happened. I remember having I started having a nightmare but something, someone- a voice made it disappear before anything could happen. I remember a smell, but nothing about. I couldn't recall and details of it, like what it actually smelled like- but I could remember it was distinct, and comforting. The same went for the different pairs of arms and hands I felt against me.
That's all. Nothing else
Run through what you know.
I was at Twilight, saw Rose and Alice talking to some guys, then it all goes blank after I start singing.
What else?
There is nothing else, that's all…
What else?
Ugh…Tears fell, my voice cracked; I remember hearing some of the customers talking about me
What else
NOTHING!
Yes there is…right now what do you know about right now
Alice and Rose are sleeping on either side of me, my head throbbing even more now
Keep going. What else about Rose and Alice
The three of us hadn't slept like this since… My heart raced, my breathing became erratic
Oh god last night
I was singing and…he was there
It wasn't him
But I saw-
You saw someone
But it was just like that vision or dream - whatever you want to call it- that I had of him!
Do you realize what you are saying?
But…but- It…he watched me- followed me!
JAKE IS DEAD AND HE'S NOT COMING BACK!!
I shot up from the bed, ripping my eyes open that had streaming down them. The arms that were draped across my torso had been thrown back to their owners; owners that immediately woke
Alice was basically sitting on my lap, I think cradling my face in her hands. Her face was a mere three inches from mine. Her lips moved but I didn't here anything; something about trying to breathe with her. Rosalie came out of no where with what looked like a wet cloth and I put it somewhere behind me- the back of my neck I think.
I could see, see the petrified and concern looks on my friends' faces, but I could speak. And the only things I could hear and feel were my quick, painful shallow breaths and my heart that was thumping against my skin trying to escape.
Harsh, cruel truths have this effect on me
I deserved every once of pain I got, I reminded myself that everyday without fail. No matter what anyone says (one happens to thoroughly agree with me) It was my fault.
I've tried to escape the pain; to make it all end…as you can tell it didn't go as planned. Unfortunately I'm still alive on account of these two people…and one other.
Eventually my breathing normalized and my mind finally allowed me to hear and communicate.
"There you go" Alice was looking straight in to my eyes, looking petrified I might add, while syncing up her breathing to mine; probably to make sure that I wasn't in danger of passing out. Slowly she made her way off my legs.
I felt behind my neck and took the cold washcloth from Rose's hand and place it beside me on the bed. She came around to sit in front of me, next to Alice. I was finally able to see my friend, who used to be the hardest person in the world to shake, looking like she was about to break down.
I hate that I had this affect on them.
"I'm fine" I said softly looking between the both of them- both of whom looked very unconvinced. Alice was about to say something but I quickly interrupted her "I need something to drink"
I couldn't deal with this right now- correction: I didn't want to deal with it
I got up from the bed slowly, not trusting that I wouldn't get a head rush. Head rush no- but I became very aware of the fact that my head was throbbing beyond belief.
I swiftly made my way towards the kitchen, all the while hearing the padding of my friends' feet behind me and their hushed whispers.
While pouring myself a glass of orange juice and taking 2 Tylenol from a bottle on the counter, I made a point of not turning around to face Alice and Rosalie. I was going to get as much silence as I could before they confessed their concerns for me. I loved them for worrying about me, but everything was too much. I didn't want people fussing over me. I sure as hell didn't deserve any of it
Relax act normal…okay act as normal as you can
The idea being if I acted like nothing happened last night, then they would think I was okay and not retreat back to their old BELLA WATCH techniques. I knew I set my plan back with whatever happened last night, but how far back depended on how I dealt with everything today.
Just give them a little nod, and walk to the bathroom and take a long shower.
A good plan. A good way to avoid the probing eyes of my roommates. Good because it would give me time to come up with what I could say to them.
The plan went out the window when I hear the squeaking of chairs being dragged behind me.
Dammit
I place my hand on the counter, putting on my weight on them and took a deep breathe.
No crying. No tears.
I slowly turned to face them to see they were exactly where I thought they'd be. Alice and Rosalie had indeed taken two chairs and sat them right at the beginning of the kitchen. It created a barrier of sorts; that way I had no other choice but to talk to them.
Alice pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Rose sat on the very edge of her seat, her elbows resting on her thighs. The oddest and worst thing was the look on their faces. They weren't angry or worried- expressions I had seen many many times. They looked hurt, in pain.
I closed my eyes and a fresh wave of guilt and anger washed over me. Up until that moment I didn't think it was possible to hate myself anymore. I was proven to be very wrong
"Bella" Rose's soft voice called me. I slowly opened my eyes to look see my friends looking destroyed- again. I tried to subtly avoid looking them in the eyes while attempting to portray the essence of calm cool and collected.
"Bella…are you okay?"
"I told you I'm fine" I tried to sound as natural and convincing as I could muster
"Nightmare?" This came from Alice, who now rested her chin on her knees
"How did I get home from Twilight?"
They exchanged quick glances, each looking baffled. Alice shrugged her shoulders and went to say something but Rose beat her to it
"Bella about last night-"
"Did I sound okay?" Good act like it was nothing.
Over the past few weeks I had been learning to call upon some of the old Bella's characteristics for my friends' sake. Again the idea being if they saw more of their Bella they'd start moving on- start living. Insecurity and low self esteem seemed very Bella-ish. Of course I was still both of those things but for completely different reasons now.
"Sweetie you played great" Alice said with the hint of a smile
"If you ever need me to fill in again, just let me know" Wait what?
"You're sure?" She looked at me as if I was completely off my rocker
"Yeah, but just give me a little more advanced notice next time" I tried to muster up a small laugh or smile- it was more of a slight cough than anything else
"Bella-" I tried to shift Rose's focus again
"Twilight is still as popular as ever huh?"
"Yes" Rosalie sighed heavily
"Where was Angela? I didn't see her"
"She only works Monday through Thursday" Alice answered
"Huh…Who were those guys I saw you talking to?"
"Damn it Bella stop it!" she yelled out of desperation rather than anger. I cringed and Alice looked shocked to hell
Rosalie had never raised her voice to me. Ever. I know the reason she just did was because she loved me and I had been trying to avoid her concerns…but it still shook me to the core.
The last person I could remember her raising her voice too, actually yelling, at was Billy…tears started to build up in my eyes. Don't do it. My eyes shot down to the floor
"Please…please stop acting like everything is okay" she said apologetically. She sighed deeply and stood up from her chair
"Rose-"
She ignored Alice and took another step towards me. I tried very very hard to control my own breathing- to not cry or breakdown because it would in no way help my cause.
"I'm sorry" I said weakly
"No I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you Bells I'm not mad at you and last night was…well eventful to say the least. We want to help you and we can't do that if you keep avoiding-"
"Rose and I just want you to talk to us…please"
I could hear Alice was close to tears. I hated that. I screwed everything up
"Bells we're just worried about-"
"That's the problem!" I threw up my hands up frustration and began to pace back and forth in the tiny space the kitchen provided "You're ALWAYS worrying about me! Like I'm a five year old who's going to spontaneously combust or something!"
Alice got up and tried to grab my arms but I shook her off and finally looked up in to the eyes of my best friends
"No listen to me!...Rose is right I need to stop acting like everything is fine because I never will be!... And you both need to accept that….Please" my voice cracked and my stupid tears started running down my worthless face as I now pleaded with them "Please, please stop letting me hold you back" I'm not worth it "Go out, have fun LIVE- instead of baby sitting me here!" Just give up on me "You both keep waiting for your Bella to show up one day and I'm sorry…I'm so sorry that I can't be her. I tried really did but I can't… But I can take care of myself." If you leave then I finally can…
"Bella-"
"God dammit! No Rose listen me…" I quickly whipped my treacherous tears away but took my time looking both she and Alice in their water filled eyes. I had to make sure that they were seeing the determination in my own "I've ruined lives and destroyed enough futures already...I won't…I can't handle being responsible for yours as well."
There was silence for…god I don't even no how long. Rose and Alice had these looks on their faces that I can't even explain. I was blown away by my boldness that it scared the living hell out of me especially when neither of my friends spoke.
I manage to maneuver around my frozen friends, without any protests for them, and made a mad dash to the bathroom. My heart was beating a mile a minute and not matter how I tried to control my breathing I could not calm down. Between everything that happened last night, my little freak out when I woke up, the fact that what I just did…that was the most emotion I had shown in a long time, and those had been the most truthful things I had said in months.
Two things could happen now, they ignore everything I had said and go back to treating me like a porcelain doll or they'd completely ignore me...would that be so bad? I wanted to be alone…actually I didn't want to be so if they gave up on me then they I wouldn't be as hurt if- if I went away.
The sudden thought of not having my friends sent my mind into overdrive and I went reeling into a panic attack. I gripped the counter, squeezing it with all my might, hoping it would help to control myself but it did nothing. Breathing was almost impossible and the fact that I was sobbing hysterically made it worse.
I didn't hear the bathroom door open, impossible because of my cries, but I felt arms embrace me and quickly lead me over to the shower that was now running.
I felt the cold water coming down on my skin, Alice's small hands pushing my hair back away from my face and Rosalie's arms around me. After a few minutes my breathing slowed as well as my tears, thanks to their intervention. They haven't left so is this all based on pity? Was my speec-, everything that I had been doing these last weeks- was it all for nothing? Are we back at square one?
The water eventually turned off. Exhausted I sank down to the floor of the shower; Rosalie followed and managed to cradle me against her. I tried to fight back any remaining sobs
No it's not supposed to be like this! With that thought I buried my face against her shoulder, damning myself for being to weak and-
"Stupid" Alice said to me as ran her hand over my cheek, I opened my eyes to look at her. I definitely never expected to hear my friend say that to me right now. And I was no prepared as to how much an insult from her would hurt
"Agreed" Rose kissed to top of my head. She must have taken in my pained and bewildered expression. "Alice was saying for such a bright girl you can be so stupid"
My friend joined us on the floor; sitting on the other side of Rose whose shoulder she rested her head on. She her eyes staid on me.
"Bella no matter what has happened or what will happen" Rose lifted my chin so I looked into her eyes "We will never- never ever stop loving you, or worrying about you"
"It's physically and mentally in impossible. We're a family Bella and families stick together" Alice chimed in
"But-"
"Bella…if things were different and Alice or I was in your shoes what would you be doing?"
…I'd be doing everything and everything
Rose must have read my mind because she did nothing but pull me closer to her and laid her cheek on the top of my head
"Bella" Alice snuggled closer into Rosalie, she was probably freezing like I was "Bells-"
"Oh god! Alice you're already sick and now you're shivering and soaking wet!"
"No I'm fine I'm fine" She bit her bottom lip and she looked so upset
"Alice was never sick…" Rose confessed
Alice confessed her to me her plan to get me up and about. I could tell she felt extremely guilty about having me perform, given the way that the evening turned out. I of course told her that my fainting, the informed me of my passing out, was not her fault. I told them what I thought I'd seen; carefully avoiding his name. I managed not to cry too much when I spoke. After I was done they exchanged curious looks with each other. When I asked them what they saw, Rose explained that they heard Tyler called for them and he actually drove us home.
"I guess my plan kinda backfired"
"No Alice, I actually misse-… it was good to play again. Not necessarily in front of a crowd" Alice chuckled "But good" I wonder if she had realized that I had been playing her guitar every now and then when I had those rare times I was alone in the apartment. I never played an actual song, I would just strum a few random notes trying to settle myself down. Random was good… calming.
"Can you do me a favor?" I asked both of them. From the looks of things, my plan wasn't completely throttled. I took their silence as a 'yes'. "If there ever comes a time where you have the opportunity to do something…anything- don't let the thought of 'What about Bella' hold you back"
About a week and a half after my little incident, things had changed a little bit. Alice told me that she did in fact have a boyfriend whose name is Jasper and from the way she tried not to gush over him I can tell she is head over heels for him. Unfortunately I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous knowing that I had once felt the same way…Nor could I help crying myself to sleep the first night I knew Alice was on a date with him. But the fact was that Alice was happy. Alice was living her life, not as much as I like her to be but it was a start. Jasper seemed to ignite whatever flame I had extinguished in her
Then there was Rosalie, who seemed to be struggling with something. Now when she came from work she'd throw her purse in her room and mutter about someone, the only things I were able to make out were a few choice curse words. Oddly, when it came to heading off to work she'd be as giddy as a teenage girl and spend more time getting ready. If she wasn't at work she'd seem lost in her thoughts. When I asked her what was wrong she'd say she was PMSing or that she was just tired.
Me? Basically the same. My nightmares were back in full force, which meant I was getting even less sleep. The girl's didn't speak about them, no doubt they could hear me, but I saw in their eyes that they were concerned.
Alice had mentioned that she missed hearing me play so sometimes when all of us were home I'd pick up her guitar and play but never creating a cohesive sound. This I guess annoyed Alice a tad "Bella, if you don't play an actual song- I'm sorry sweetie but I will throw the guitar in the garage." That earned a small apologetic smile from me, and a laughing fit from Rose. Now the girls make requests, very very careful requests might I add for which I am grateful for.
As a bit of an unspoken rule we don't talk about that night or the morning after but I was glad to see that they had taken in most of what I had told them and I them. The girl's said I passed out because I was dehydrated so I took care of myself. That meant forcing, well attempting, to force three square meals down my throat a day. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told the girls I went grocery shopping by myself.
I continually suggested to Rose that she should go out with Alice and Jasper (who I have yet to meet, I think Alice is holding back on that introduction for awhile for which I am thankful for but at the same time can't help but feel guilty about) Rose rolled her eyes saying that there was no way in hell she was going to play third wheel. She did assured me that once the men in this world become suitable for her she'd go out on a date- and added "In other words, when hell freezes over"
That thaw out was put to a halt when Rose got the flu. Alice has been working Rose's shift as well as her own. I actually offered to cover for my sick friend until she got better. Alice told me that was out of the question because someone had to stay home and care for Rosalie. Did she really want me to play nurse or did she see how petrified I was at the thought of her actually taking me up on my offer?...
"102.4" I examine the thermometer
"Ugh" Rosalie was laying on the couch under a mountain of blankets and cuddling her favorite pillow.
"Better than the 104 you were running last night"
"Whatever, as long as I no longer need 'the bucket' any more I don't care. I hate being sick"
"Do you need anything? Soup? Orange juice?...Water? another blanket?"
Try as I might trying to act normal was still difficult to me. It was uncomfortable. On one side I wanted to do whatever I could to make life easier for my friends but on the other it felt wrong to act as if nothing had happened or like it had no effect on me. I was torn between a sort of duty and guilt. Not to mention it had been so long that had been normal so everything I did or said felt unbelievably awkward. It was tiring and uncomfortable to say the least.
"No thanks, I'm fine right now besides feeling like dea- like a mess. What I do need it for The Office to come on. I can only take so much day time tv. I mean how is there nothing on? Over a thousand channels and its all crap. I need some Jim Halpert"
"I…I could head out and pick up some Office DVDs if you want" Please say yes please say yes
"Don't worry about it I can text Alice to pick them up on her way home from work."
"Actually she working late tonight so all the stores will be close by the time she gets out…"
Rose took a beat to try and figure out why I was so willing to go out. She knows that I'm not great with crowds and the thought of possibly running into people I know scares the crap out of me. And my current track record showed it.
Why did I want to go now? Simple. Ever since my incident at Twilight the girls have put a damper on my running. They said I ran too much and I ran for too long. It wasn't healthy apparently. Now they only let me go on half hour runs with either Alice or Rosalie with me so they would set the pace. It had been 6 days since I had gone running.
What they didn't know, because I was in no way going to tell them, was that I needed to run. Not only did it help me escape my emotions, but it also let me release a lot of them. Currently I was about to implode. With everything that had passed between that night at Twilight and now…I needed a release.
The main reason I ran though, was because it did suck energy out of me. If I pushed my self, if I ignore the pain in my legs and lungs and just ran- I'd be exhausted enough so that sometimes when I came home I didn't have nightmares. So every time I ran I tried to push myself harder and harder to achieve a dreamless sleep. It was the one time didn't have to feel anything, pretend, or remember. I ran for blank nights and the more I ran, the harder it became to acquire.
"It'd be cheapest at Target so I could pick it up there".
"Target's 30 some odd blocks away, it is way to-"
"I could cut across the park. I was about to head out for a run anyway…"
She took almost a full minute to think it threw. I could tell she was arguing with her mind. One side saying to obey my wishes by not being so protective and the other screaming that she should never have opened her mouth.
"Bella…please please please becareful" She sighed
I was going to be running through a park in the middle of the afternoon where there I would be ample witnesses, the sky was bright blue on this day, June 20th…and she was worried about me.
Even though it was summer I dressed in workout pants instead of shorts and gray t-shirt. Rose gave me a tiny change purse to keep the money in and to put her at ease I shoved my cell phone in there.
"I'll be back in an hour, call me if you need anything Rose" I told her as I headed out the door
"Same goes for you!"
I made sure to walk across the street knowing she was probably watching me from the window. I waited till the path turned from cobble stones to pavement, knowing I was out of her sight, and I bolted down the longest route across the park.
I don't know how long it took me to get to Target but I sweat was pouring off me as I picked up seasons one, two and three of The Office. I kept my eyes on the racks or the floor while there not wanting to see anyone in particular. I also grabbed some extra medicine while I was there since Rose was going through every thing we had in the cabinets. Hopefully I wouldn't catch it from her.
After cashing out, I again took a different route back home. This one had more than a handful of hills for me to push myself up. I knew I didn't have a long time for this run before Rosalie called telling me to come home, so I made the most of it. If I hit a hard, tiring section, I'd circle back around and try to run faster than before. I heard a few "whoa" comments as I whizzed past other runners. Anytime I saw a steep big set of stairs I climbed up then down and repeated it a few times.
When I looked down and saw that my shirt was soaked from top to bottom I decided it was time to head back. And if anything I could take the stairs all the way to the top floor and then back down to ours.
I was about five minutes from the apartment, trying to push my body further and faster, when I went to look in the bags to make sure nothing had fallen out during my journey. I should have known better than try and do two things as once, because while looking down I didn't see the crack in the path and went tumbling to the ground.
No blood , a few scrapes but no blood. However my right ankle hurt like hell. I tried to get up, but the second I put weight on it the pain increased and I got a bit dizzy.
"Ow shit shit shit shit" With the bags in hand, I managed to get up and hop on my left leg over to the nearest bench and rolled up my pant leg. It was not a pretty sight.
My ankle was already swollen with patched of disgusting colors. It's no big secret that I'm a klutz, so I've endured many injuries over the years. Sometimes I was best if you walked it off, other it was best not to move. Right now was one of those times where it was border line either one. I could wiggle my toes, which was a good sign. I quickly learned that rotating it was out of the question
Ow shit…I could call Alice but then she'd have to leave work…she's to tiny to do anything…Calling Rose is out of the question. She can barely move but that wouldn't stop her… Even so she'd call 911 or something…Suck it up and just walk, it's not that far
My second attempt at putting weight on my injured ankle went better than the first. I moved in such away that most of the time I was on my left foot. I became more and more frustrated when the pain didn't subside with every step. A few times I just hopped on one foot but given my balance skills it wasn't working out too well.
After what seemed like forever I could see the entrance I used to get in the park and across the street from that was our apartment building. Unfortunately the path ahead of me was all uneven cobble stones, some a good two inches high and slanted than the others. No way could I hop, and walking on the grass was, as before, out of the question because of the tree roots, sticks, rocks and tiny ditches.
After a few deeps breaths, I clutched the Target bag closer to me and tried to I guess hobble the rest of the way. My right ankle screamed in protest when ever an ounce of pressure was put on it and since I had stopped running my legs felt like jello- I was exhausted…mission accomplished.
I fought back frustrated and painful tears and screams knowing neither would do me any good.
I got about 5 feet before my right foot slipped on a smooth stone and I again fell down. I rolled on to my back and threw my right arm over my eyes. I was defeated. I was done. I was not going to move.
So I just laid there for an immeasurable amount of time. A few people asked me if was okay, if I needed any help but kept my arm over my face and waved them off with my other thanking them but saying I was fine. "I just need a minute"
I wonder how long I've been gone…can't be that long because Rosalie hasn't called…come to think of it why hasn't she called?... she's sick as all hell she probably fell asleep. I'll wait a few more minutes and then-
A cool hand lifted my arm off of my face; I almost jumped out of my skin when he touched me. My eyes squinted as the sudden burst of sunlight blazing down on me so couldn't make out the silhouetted figure standing over me
"Thanks but I'm fine, I just need a minute" I recited my script dryly to figure above me
"Stop being so absurd, you know you're not fine. Let me help you"
My eyes finally adjusted to the light and I used my hand to help even more. He had a leg on either side of me, he was squatting just over my knees, and he had the greenest eyes I had ever seen.
Again I'm sorry I took so long! I solemnly swear that I will be better with updates because I really do love this story
So let me know if you hated, liked or loved this chapter. Reviews make the world go round. Any chance i could get 20 or plus for this chapter??
Next chapter will be interesting to say the least. You'll find out why Rose hadn't called and of course you'll have more Edward and Bella interaction…speaking of which, how will Edward react when he finds out exactly who Bella is and vice versa?
