A/N: Ok, I have reached the end of my original musings, but this is not the end! There will be updates though there is no telling where they will be- beginning, middle, end, nobody knows! Clearly our story can't end here.
Tena came to the door by the hall, looking winded from her journey. Rey had stayed there, stalwart sentinel, when Luke emerged, thoughtful, and told her that he was going to go meditate on what had happened. Rey had no idea if that was a positive or negative sign. Leia had eyed him with suspicion and followed him, turning pointedly to Rey saying "Stay out of that room."
Rey had held up her hands in defense.
She had been there ever since- some hours. It surprised her when Tena came to the door. Tena cleared her throat to get Rey's attention and Rey immediately put a wall of the Force up-a force of habit since Luke had been instructing her- but calmed when she saw Tena. She had been worried for the Ke'Lani woman as she had only seen her when they first brought her in from the battlefield covered in blood and her skin so blue Rey was certain she was dead. Rey was still learning what the wide world looked like, it seemed to her that the Ke'Lani people, and Tena in particular, were much stronger than they looked.
"Yes?" Rey asked awkwardly, "Do you need something? Should I get someone?"
Tena's smile deepened, "No, thank you. I note that the General has been gone for some time and is likely to stay that way….we wanted to know if you would like to come in?"
Rey froze.
Well yes…...but Leia said no. Luke didn't say anything though.
Rey forgot that the Ke'Lani were versed in the Force and she heard Tena's tentative reply, I have gotten a Solo child in trouble before by telling them to listen to themselves first….but nonetheless. What do you want Rey?
Rey paused. She hadn't been asked that much recently, since she had chosen the Rebellion and found Luke everyone assumed her path was laid out, her choices made. She had been sifting through her muddled memories trying to figure out if she liked the choices she made-if she agreed with them.
"Do you….remember me?" Rey asked.
Tena nodded sadly, "I knew you by a different name then, though I have to say Ben kept us rather far apart….I think he was nervous you could slip into his head easily and might tell people what was going on."
Rey's face tightened into a smile, "I don't remember any of that."
Tena shrugged, unconcerned, "When you are meant to, you will."
Tena's surety gave Rey confidence, comfort even, and Rey stood up, feeling like her choice was made though she felt awkward making it.
I have always wanted a mother and now that I have one I'm intentionally disobeying her….
Tena's voice again echoed Skywalkers and Solos rarely do as they are told...she should know that by now.
Rey wasn't entirely sure she was ready for what lay beyond that door but she was sure she was going through it one way or another, right now. Her heart was pounding and she was so focused on that she almost missed Tena's partial limp- but she reached out and looped an arm around the woman's waist, eyes suddenly on Tena instead of ahead.
They didn't need to be ahead, she could already tell he was staring at her.
He was standing next to the crib and quickly crossed the room to get to Tena, looping an arm around her, mirroring Rey. Together they helped her back to her sleep-couch and she gladly accepted it, "This has been my longest day in some time, I think I'm nearly done with it."
Ben looked over at Rey awkwardly and nodded, "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Rey's voice cracked, her discomfort suddenly in her throat. When Tena laid down brother and sister had to face one another, inches apart, in a way they had not seen one another since Kylo Ren had tried to torture her for information on BB-8. She had been on the edges of his vision, just outside of interacting with him, causing the First Order sufficient hell while he had been preoccupied with Hux and Tena and the chaos in his head.
They looked at one another outright- when he wasn't in his imposing suit and cloak he looked much more normal and she thought she could see heavy lines of Han's face in him. He saw his mother so clearly in Rey he was surprised he missed it the first time he saw her. She flinched when she looked at his scar, remembering when she gave it to him and contemplated taking his head off with the next stroke, and she frowned slightly, "I'm sorry about that."
Ben touched his scar and smirked wryly, "I doubt that. From what I remember I was lucky to have kept my head."
Rey blushed and shrugged, "Beginner's luck? And you were shot."
He put a hand over the Bowcaster scar-they both skirted around discussing why the Wookie that had been there when they were born chose to shoot him.
"Muscle memory." Ben suggested, "I was an idiot not to see it, not to see…"
Rey shrugged innocently, "I didn't see it either…...did Luke….do I look….how did you not recognize me?"
Ben's eyes looked distant, "I spared you that night but I assumed you... Then Luke disappeared and they announced your death...the news of the funeral got back to me in the First Order, the General made a point to announce it. You don't recognize what you aren't looking for….I thought you were dead and the part of my head that you were in was so quiet. I realize now it's because Luke closed it down when he erased your memory, it was to protect you…. such a brilliantly simple solution. I wonder that he had the nerve to let her think you were dead."
Rey noticed he didn't say the word mother or even Leia. She was always just her or the General as if Ben was holding himself to some form of account, some secret score that he hadn't settled enough to call Leia mother anymore. Though there was a distant feeling in Rey's heart, a longing, a love, and she recognized it as Ben's-he had always missed his mother, though he'd have died before admitting it. Rey petted the insecurity like a shy blurrg and showed him her own I don't even know what to do with her-or you- or any of this. Any connection I had to it all was erased and what I know since then….it's all changed what I might have thought before.
Ben showed her a picture of his mask and then thought about his old face, then his new.
You hit the nail on the head. She chuckled darkly, a sound which intrigued the little bundles in the crib that were feeling like insufficient attention was being given to them. They both let out shrill shrieks of disapproval and Ben smiled warmly- a smile that transformed his whole face. For a moment, just a second, Rey felt like she had seen that smile a thousand times and she heard a laugh in her head she was positive was Ben's- she saw a flicker, just a moment, of him as a child, laughing from on top of Chewbacca's shoulders as she raised her arms up at the Wookie and begged to join.
Ben's head shot over to her at the memory and he felt his chest tighten-she was his sister.
Rey shook her head to clear it, neatly packing her emotions into a little suitcase to be aired out later. Silently Tena saw the practice and approved. Rey leaned over to look at the babies- they were both looking at her wide-eyed and she was struck by their presence: they were exceedingly lovely little creatures that might have been dolls if they hadn't been breathing. Their skin was iridescent like frosted glass, their eyes were warm brown that were exactly like Ben's (and whose, she realized with a start, were precisely like his father's), and their smathering of hair was pitch black. One of them, the boy, yawned widely at her and she saw a little pink mouth while the girl was rubbing one hand over her face and the pearl-pink fingernails seemed to glow against her alabaster skin. They had all the normal baby traits one could hope for-full cheeks, bowed lips, long luscious lashes and flawless skin.
"They're gorgeous." She cooed without stopping to think about protocol. Rey reacted to situations, any situation, with her completely natural self, unconcerned with whether or not that was right and appropriate at the time. Tena liked this about her immensely and wished Ben could see how Rey did it-by letting go of how the rest of the world was turning, of what they thought, of whether or not they were dissecting her every move. Rey crouched low and leaned on the rail of the crib, reaching one finger out towards the girl who immediately grabbed it and began gumming it, Rey continued to whisper in a soothing falsetto, "So you are the little wonders behind so much fuss. Do you have any idea how much trouble everyone has gone through to get you here safely?"
In her head she got a sharp feeling like someone had poked her with the Force and the impetus behind the poke seemed to think that everyone being here, trouble or no, was just fine indeed. Rey went wide eyed and looked at Ben, "Can she….?"
Rey didn't know what to call it.
"We don't really know what it is but it's her. Owen can do it too."
"Owen?" Rey perked up, "That's a good name. What about her?"
Tena leaned over the cradle and was eye level with Rey, smiling calmly, "Hana."
Rey felt her pulse skip and her immediate thought was Does Leia know? Obviously not. Luke might have and now Rey did but she guessed that Ben might save telling Leia...it would be a poor thing for her to learn by chance. Rey watched the baby gum her finger, utterly disinterested in the worries of the big-people, and then Hana yawned and turned away from Rey's finger, gripping her brother's arm. As if she signalled him Owen turned towards her and they nuzzled together, sleeping. Ben found himself happy they spent so much time sleeping these last few weeks- it was giving everyone, himself included, an opportunity to catch their breath. He knew it wasn't going to last- he knew there would be a time in the not-so-distant future when he looked back on this time with longing, and so he appreciated it even more now. Rey stroked Owen's baby-fine hair and looked back at her brother, "Are you...with us now?"
Ben thought about the question seriously, not wanting to promise something he wouldn't keep, "I'm not with Snoke or the Order. I'm definitely with Tena and the twins… I don't think the Rebellion will take me, and I don't know that that's a bad thing. A lot of my beliefs haven't changed just because Snoke and I came to a non-negotiable impasse."
Rey eyed him suspiciously, and tried to joke with him though it came out half-serious, "You aren't going to kill us all in our sleep?"
"No." Ben shook his head, trying to phrase what he was saying carefully and precisely, "I know you don't remember what happened that I turned but I was always questioning, always pulled in two directions. Nothing has changed on that account. Being here doesn't mean the Dark Side is silent for me, doesn't mean I don't see the appeal. But it means that I found the ceiling of sacrifices I was willing to make for the Dark Side before it stopped making sense to me and I had to choose a different path. I don't want to scare you or startle you- but I don't know that I'm ready to hug you either."
Rey chewed on that, nodding. After a moment she asked, "Why didn't you kill me?"
Ben was impressed that she didn't hold back, "Because I loved you, because you felt like a part of me that I wasn't able to cut out. I left you there, defenseless, and in danger, but I couldn't deliver the blow myself. You were the first test I failed."
That made Rey purse her lips- she knew he had killed plenty of other people that night. Those must have been tests you passed.
Yes. Ben's answer came seamlessly and she furrowed her brow, pointedly saying I haven't mastered how to turn this on and off-you'll be polite and stick to your own thoughts.
Ben held up his hands to her in a surrendering gesture then shuffled his feet, "Are you going to ask the next question?"
"I thought I asked you to stay out of my head?" Rey snipped.
"I don't have to be in your head to know what's on your mind. There's a big question nobody is asking….ask it, if you are so inclined."
Rey looked down at the sleeping babies and took a deep breath as though asking this question could stir a fight, "Why did you kill Han?"
Ben followed her eyes and watched the even breathing of the babies' chests. He was silent, utterly silent, and deep in thought. He reached out a finger and ran it up and down the little limbs of the little bodies that he had created-they hadn't asked for him as a father, he didn't get consulted on the matter, and he was now thrust into the role and trying desperately to do it well. He felt that urge deep in his bones- he wanted to be a good father to them. It was this more than anything else that connected him to Vader and to Han- wanting to do right by your children and doing the right thing were different. Ben had already set his children up for a rough start though it would be the last thing he had wanted for them.
He had been so resentful of Han's distance, of his perceived favoritism of Rey, of his constant trips and cavalier way of brushing off Ben's attempts to be close to him. Ben had wanted so badly for so long for Han to just sweep in where Ben was training and take the boy away on an adventure, to make him a smuggler, to let him be anything. Ben always saw Han's decision to make Ben a Jedi as a refusal of responsibility.
But perspectives change.
It was easy for Ben to see the truth now: Han felt inadequate. He had two Force-sensitive children and a Force-sensitive wife, he was the brother-in-law of the only Jedi left in the galaxy. How could he, a smuggler that chance had woven into the Skywalkers' lives, argue against taking the two strongest apprentices away from the New Jedi? How could he have given Ben what Luke had? How could he have bonded with a boy he knew was smarter, hell wiser, than he'd ever been? Han had felt like he was sparing his kids the embarrassment of him by keeping his distance even though it hurt like hell and he hated doing it.
"I didn't understand him." Ben said finally, "And I thought killing him would be...easy. I thought I hated him."
Doesn't make a lick of difference now to say I'm sorry….Dad. But I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I don't expect you to forgive me.
Rey hadn't meant to listen to the last part, but she heard it all the same.
