Chapter Seven:
James's Secret
I bit my lip. I really didn't want to believe the worst in Severus, my old childhood friend, but everything they were saying was true. His greatest ambition was to become a death eater. He was no longer my Severus. He was no longer the sad, little boy who cried over his parents arguing, or the sweet, little boy who helped me understand my being a witch. He was a different Severus. A cruel, mean one, who was willing to do anything to make it into You-Know-Who's inner circle, even hurting another human being.
"You're right." I sighed as Remus patted me gently. I rested my head on his shoulder. It had been such a long time since Remus and I hung out. I mean really hung out. It seemed that nowadays the only time I saw him was during meals or prefect duties. I'd forgotten how tired he always looked. It always worried me that he was always sick. Years back, Severus had been convinced Remus was a werewolf. HA! I'd told him he'd been ridiculous. Remus was just a nice bloke who didn't deserve to have this sickness...whatever it was.
But Remus looked better today: there were less bags under his eyes and his hair seemed fuller. Blimey, he really was handsome when you took a close look at him. Most girls didn't realize what a catch Remus was; they usually saw him as James and Sirius' quiet friend. But he was so much more; he truly was a great friend. I couldn't believe how long it had been since we had talked, and I mean really talked.
Maybe Dorcas was right. Maybe I had been spending too much time with Austin and his friends...
Alice was beside me, her cute round face worried. Mary, her best friend, sat beside her, playing idly with her light brown hair. Beside Mary, Sirius was standing, looking as handsome and fit as ever. Dorcas gently leaned into him, her glowing blonde hair trailing after her. Marlene stood next to her, studying my expression, her pretty face serious. And next to Marlene was James. The usual humor and laughter was gone from his face. Instead it had been replaced with concentration. He was staring at me, and not in the usual lustful way, but in a more serious, worried way. I still couldn't believe it had taken me this long to realize what a great bloke James was. He was always there for me, really he was. And he knew exactly what to say to make me realize what I needed to do. He was my James. Next to James, stood little Peter, his fat face staring around at us, his mouth wide open. I knew Peter might seem a bit annoying when you first met him, but he was a right laugh when you needed it. And then we come full circle to Remus, who I gently rested my head on.
"You'll have to tell Dumbledore," James repeated, watching me carefully.
"I know," I said, standing up. "Come with me?" I asked, holding out my hand.
James looked surprised but took my hand anyway. "Sure, Evans," he mumbled, gently holding my hand.
"James," I asked quietly, "you don't think...they're not up to anything too serious, are they?"
"I don't know," he said as we climbed through the portrait hole. "I mean, I'm sure it's just a stupid prank or something. But still...if it's for Voldemort..."
"Don't," I shrieked, making James jump slightly, "say his name!"
James rolled his eyes. "Lily, it's just a name. What's gonna happen if you say it?"
I stared at him in disbelief. Was he seriously just asking me that question?
"It makes me nervous, that's all," I finally replied.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why? He's the darkest wizard of all time!"
James laughed. "So that prevents you from saying his name?"
"He's a scary bloke," I grumbled.
"I thought you were a Gryffindor," James said. "You're not supposed to be cowardly."
I glared at him. "Remind me why I brought you along?"
He grinned at me, giving me his usual heartbreaking smile. I got slight goosebumps as his brilliant hazel eyes stared into mine. I grinned at him as I saw his eyes twinkling again.
"Stop smiling at me like that," I snapped, turning slightly red.
He flashed me another brilliant smile before looking away, turning the corner. We walked in silence for a few moments along the corridor.
"You know, you should really just say the name. It's not that big of a deal," he said, continuing the conversation from before.
"No!" I told him firmly.
"Chicken," he muttered.
"Oh, alright Mr. Tough Guy, let's see if you can still say You-Know-Who's name in front of the headmaster. Then, we'll see how tough you really are."
James rolled his eyes. "Lily, Dumbledore would tell you the same thing. He's always going on about how 'fear in the name only increases fear of the thing itself' or some rubbish like that. But it's all the same. Being too scared to say Voldemort's name is just stupid. Me and the other marauders call him by his name all the time and nothing bad ever happens to us, does it?"
"You're lying," I said, certain of myself. "Dumbledore would never say his name."
"Who's the greatest wizard of all time, Lily?" James asked me dully.
"Dumbledore," I replied without hesitation.
"Right. And do you really think the greatest wizard of all time will really be scared to say a name?"
I stared at him.
"What's the password to this thing anyway?" James asked as we neared the gargoyles.
"Drooble's," I told the gargoyles and they jumped aside.
"I've never been to the headmaster's office before!" I said excitedly as we quickly climbed the stairs.
"Then how do you know the password?"
"All prefects do."
James nodded. "Well, it's pretty cool. He's got all this weird stuff."
"You've been in his office?" I shrieked.
James stiffened a bit. "A few times."
"Why?"
"No reason."
"James."
"Lily."
"Why don't you want to tell me why you were in there. What kind of trouble did you get into?" I asked.
"I wasn't in trouble," he replied, looking away from me. I looked worriedly at him. His face has gone white and his eyes were wide and fearful. I dropped the subject, wondering what could have possibly happened to make James so...un-James like.
He knocked on the door, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Come in," said a pleasant voice as James slowly opened the door.
"Ah, Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans, quite the unlikely pair. Well, come on in." Dumbledore smiled at us, his eyes flickering concernedly to James' face.
"Erm...hello, Professor...I have some...erm...things to discuss with you," I said nervously. I had never spoken to the headmaster like this before. James, on the other hand, who had known most of the Hogwarts staff since he was a baby, greeted Dumbledore as if he were a beloved grandfather or uncle.
"Hello, sir!" James said, smiling, and plopping himself on the chair. I followed in his lead and sat carefully on the chair across from Dumbledore's desk.
"James. Lily." Dumbledore greeted us. "What can I do for you two?"
James straightened up seriously. "Remember what we discussed last summer?" he asked the headmaster.
"Of course. Do you have anything to report?" Dumbledore asked severely.
"Lily had a run in with Sniv-I mean Snape," James replied, nodding to me.
"He told me...he told me to be careful. He and his friends...they were planning something against muggleborns," I told the headmaster, suddenly realizing how silly this all sounded. Of course it was all just a joke to scare me! I couldn't believe I'd actually gone to the headmaster...
"What exactly were they planning?" Dumbledore asked, looking seriously at me. I had never before noticed how blue Dumbledore's eyes were. There was something warm and comforting about them.
"I'm not sure, sir," I replied. "I'm sure it's nothing. It's probably just a silly prank."
"But it might not be," James said, his voice slightly irritated.
Dumbledore looked at James and his face softened immediately.
"Just keep an eye out sir," James pleaded. "If it has anything to with Voldemort, it needs to be stopped."
"But it might have nothing to do with You-Know-Who!" I countered hopefully.
"Lily, we're talking about future death eaters here!" James said in an exasperated voice. "We don't know what they're capable of."
I was about to argue but Dumbledore cut me off. "James is right, Lily. It could be something. It never hurts to keep an eye out."
James looked at me smugly. "Told you," he said. I hated it when he was right.
"Now, I promise to look into this and alert the teachers for any suspicious behavior," Dumbledore said, standing up, "but I do believe the Halloween Feast will begin in a few minutes, and the house elves make quite delicious pumpkin pastries."
"Sir, wait!" James said, jumping out of his chair. "I have something else I need to talk to you about...if I may..."
Dumbledore smiled sadly at him, a knowing look in his eye.
"Lily, you may go on to the Feast. I need to have a private word with James," Dumbledore told me. I nodded, cast James a questioning look, and left.
I sat outside Dumbledore's office, leaning against the wall facing the stone gargoyles. A few minutes later, I heard steps coming closer and I stood up. James came around the gargoyles, his face stained with tears.
"James!" I gasped, scrambling toward him.
He looked surprised to see me, and he quickly brushed away the tears trickling down his face.
"What's happened?" I asked, pulling him into a hug. I had never seen James cry before. It was strange to see someone so full of life and happy look so sad and broken.
As soon as I wrapped my arms around him, though, he relaxed into me and allowed the tears to stream freely down his face. I held him tightly against me, whispering words of comfort in his ear.
The wind outside had gotten stronger but none of that mattered as I sat outside with James on the Quidditch pitch. We had strolled around the castle for a long time, but some how we had found ourselves sitting under the three hoops on the field. Somewhere else in the castle our friends were enjoying the Halloween Feast, stuffing their faces with pies and pumpkin pastries.
James sat across from me, his hazel eyes still glistening from the tears.
"You don't have to tell me," I whispered, placing my hand gently on his.
"No, it's okay. I can trust you," he said, smiling.
"With what?"
James looked around the field suspiciously, looking for any unwanted visitors before launching into his story.
"My parents...they're in the Order..." he said quietly.
My eyes widened. "They're in the Order?" I gasped. "Oh, James, that's so brave of them! You know, I want to join as soon as I'm out of Hogwarts too but I don't know if I'll have enough experience."
James smiled. "Yeah, me too. Me and the others have been talking about it since our parents joined."
"Who are the others?" I asked.
"Well, Dorcas and Marlene's parents joined around the same time that my parents did. Frank, Mary, and Marlene have already talked to Dumbledore about joining once they graduate."
My eyes widened. "Dorcas and Marlene's parents are in the Order too?" I gasped, stunned.
"Yeah, but the thing is we're not supposed to tell you. We want to keep the members of the Order a secret as long as we can. I mean, everyone who's in it is found out eventually, but still it's always good to have members no one knows about."
"I understand," I said begrudgingly. Still, it would have been nice to know.
"Anyway, last summer, the day you left Marlene's house, my parent's were sent on a mission," James said.
"What kind of mission?"
"No idea. I wasn't allowed to know. But it was fine at first. I mean, I was really worried about them and all, but still I knew they had to do it."
"That's why you were so upset," I recalled.
James nodded grimly. "The first couple of months were okay. They would keep in touch and send letters whenever it was safe, but the letters became fewer and fewer. And then at one point they just stopped coming. It's been over a month and I still haven't heard from them. And neither has the Order. Dumbledore says that it could be perfectly normal. It could just be that they're being watched and any form of contact would be dangerous...but still...they're my parents. They could be dead for all I know..."
I stared at James in horror. I had no idea...all this time, he tried keeping up a brave face. He would make jokes and laugh, but I could always tell...he was worried about them.
"Who else knows?" I asked.
"Marlene, Dorcas, Remus, and Sirius," he answered. "Sirius is like my brother. He's just as worried about my mum and dad as I am...he's just better at hiding it."
Everything fit. The others seemed worried, not only about James, but about his parents too.
"I know I have my faults, but my parents...they're great people. Really, they are..." James trailed off, his voice breaking.
I squeezed his hand. "James, you're a great person too. Probably the most amazing man I know."
"Well, this man is very hungry. Shall we go to the feast?" James asked after a moment, giving me a grateful smile. He helped me up, and we walked back to the castle, hand in hand. We were two people, who cared deeply about each other, finally reaching an understanding. James knew all of my secrets and I finally knew all of his. I felt like such an idiot. I had gone on and on about my father and my sister when all along, James was in just as much pain as I was. And I had never even bothered to consider his feelings or ask him about it.
Things were going to change, though. Marlene and Dorcas were right; I should have given James a chance ages ago. We had lost so many years because I had been too stubborn to admit that James was a decent person. Actually, he was more than decent. He was brave, loyal, funny, handsome, and he understood me. He made me feel safe but dangerous all at the same time. He made me hate him and love him all at the same time. It was an odd relationship, but it was a relationship nonetheless. It was one that I didn't ever want to lose.
