DISCLAIMER: I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a fantasy, hmm?
CLAIMER: I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book". Also, the blonde boy. It's the cameo appearance of Rory's "Hawkeye", River Eaglewood. (BWEHEHEHEHEHE!!)
A/N: I needed a break from writing about Roy as a Princess and Riza as a Prince…so I decided to write about WHAT THE HELL they were doing that they couldn't hear the considerable amounts of laughter coming from the main office. Were they a) Making out in the broom closet, b) Having hot office shmex, or c) Doing both?
…Well, okay, none of the above. I'm not that weird yet.
Read on my pretties. This is going to get better and better.
Snow
White and the Eight Dwaves
A
Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye
Chapter Six: A Brief Interlude – In Which We Find Out What the Hell Riza and Roy Were Doing During This Time
"Hayate, come!"
"Sit."
"Shake."
"Other hand."
"Good boy!" First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye let out a sigh of relief as she let her puppy gorge himself on his food. She'd taken to leaving a spare food and water bowl at the office and just taking a can of dog food with her everyday. This gave her an excuse to eat outside, away from everyone. Because lunch break was the designated hour reserved for Mustang's "Manly Bragging Rights". Or rather, "Bedpost Hour."
So Riza thought it wise to savor her lunch in the calmness of the outdoors, far away from men and their over-active ideas of machismo. Urgh.
So, on this lovely afternoon, she decided to dine in the courtyard seated on the steps next to one of the statues, Black Hayate sniffing around the area. After she'd finished eating, she fed Black Hayate and took out a book she'd been carrying around for the past couple of days.
She was so engrossed in her book she didn't notice that the sunlight abruptly faded from her pages. It was only a few seconds later when…
"Lieutenant Hawkeye?" No folks, it wasn't Roy, it was Armstrong. With his shirt on for once, alleluia.
"Yes Major?"
"Some people from the Secretarial Department sent me to tell you that Colonel Mustang's niece has arrived."
"Thank you Major, but the Colonel told me already. Or rather, his niece put in an appearance already."
"Oh."
"I hope it was no trouble, Major."
"Are you kidding?" Armstrong boomed. "It was no trouble at all! Carrying verbal messages has been a talent passed down in the Armstrong family for generations!" With this, Armstrong ripped off his shirt, as usual when declaring an Armstrong family tradtion. Riza hesitated taking out her gun and shooting herself from the agony.
"Thank you very much again Major. I'm afraid I must be going. I'm going to take Black Hayate for a walk to the shooting rage. I've got forty-five minutes left in lunch and I'd best be going now." With this, Riza slipped away as Armstrong posed in the sun. A few passers-by were extremely disturbed.
---000---000---000---
As a matter of fact, Colonel Roy Mustang wasn't doing what his first lieutenant thought he was doing. Actually, he hadn't had the time to score another conquest. It wasn't really lack of time so much as lack of interest. Maybe it was his age-God forbid-catching up on him. At age twenty-nine he was still young enough to charm the ladies, but he felt eons older when he was tired. He'd gotten home, fixed himself dinner and a drink, and gone to sleep. Contrary to popular belief there were days when the Flame Alchemist had a tame home life, bordering on domestic.
Get home, make dinner, booze, sleep.
Yes, there were nights when Roy Mustang was just too tired to get laid. Last night was one of them. So, instead of hanging around the office and eventually getting asked the inevitable question "Who was she?", he decided to eat out at a small coffeeshop he knew would be deserted at this time of day.
After grabbing his lunch and flirting boredly with the café waitress, Roy was living off spur-of-the-moment decisions and decided to take a quick walk. He checked his pocketwatch…forty-five minutes left. Havoc was entertaining his niece, everyone else was out, and he had around forty minutes to kill.
So walk he did.
He walked past a family lunching at the park. They had a son, with dirty-blonde hair and dark brown eyes. He was staring at him, puzzled. For a moment, Roy mused on who the boy was, then brushed it aside. Probably he was being mistaken for someone else. He kept walking.
He passed by the courtyard of Headquarters. As he walked, he spotted Armstrong dancing around without his shirt on…again.
"Major Armstrong…will you please move it indoors. I spotted a few people out here who..."
"Were blinded by my manly beauty? Will do sir!" Armstrong boomed, huffing it indoors. Roy sighed.
"…and they say I have an ego."
---000---000---000---
BANG! BANG BANG BANG!
The sounds of gunfire filled the air. As the smoke cleared, a brief, feminine cough was heard. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was crouched next to the mounted machine gun. Her hair was covered in a plain towel, and it shielded her face.
Slowly, she got up, coughing the whole way.
"This gun is due for cleaning…the deposits make the shot smoky." She commented.
"Yip! Yip!" Hayate barked. Riza turned.
"Fuery?"
"Uhm…Lieutenant Hawkeye? I'm sorry, I have to return Black Hayate for awhile. I just remembered something indoors." Fuery was swiping his brow as he spoke. Riza nodded, and Black Hayate was returned to her arms, leash and all. With that, Black Hayate's "dog-sitter" was off.
Riza sighed as she looked at her watch. Might as well start packing up, seeing as Black Hayate was here. She took the towel off of her head, wiped the sweat off her face, and examined her work.
"I think I should come here more often. I need practice." Riza sighed.
---000---000---000---
"That was refreshing." Roy managed after having to run from a mad dog that had just gotten loose. After practically prancing around East in the most undignified manner, he had finally lost the insane canine. Normally, Roy liked dogs. Now he narrowed his view to only liking leashed ones.
He checked his watch. Thirty minutes. He should get moving if he wanted to call Hughes before Hawkeye showed up. With a sigh, he walked back to headquarters. There was just enough time to neaten up in the men's room.
He walked past the shooting range and heard barking. Afraid the mad dog had found him again, he broke into a sprint and got to headquarters in record time.
---000---000---000---
"Colonel?" Riza said as she spotted the figure gasping for breath, leaning against a tree near the courtyard.
"Yes Lieutenant?" Roy said, turning towards the speaker. He clutched his chest, gasping a bit more for air. Blame Havoc and his cancer-sticks. He sighed. Add that to all the smoke he inhaled from his flames and he was getting to be one hell of a secondhand smoker.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, fine. I just went for a run."
"Oh…well, I hope you didn't overdo it." Riza said wryly, noting her commanding officer's condition.
"I didn't…I spent the better part of my run running from a mad dog."
"I see…"
"No, wait, I spent my entire five minute run running from a mad dog." Roy managed between gulps of air. Riza sighed. Why was it that whenever the Colonel was out of her sight, he seemed to get into trouble? Well, at least this was none of his doing.
After Roy finished gasping for breath, he questioned his Lieutenant. "So how did you spend lunchtime? I didn't see you indoors as I went out."
"I decided to eat outside today. I thought you and Havoc would be having 'guy talk' today."
"No, I was too tired last night. Even I have my limits." Roy said with a mock-sigh.
"It must be so hard to be you." Riza said sarcastically. Roy chose to ignore the tone of her statement and continued playfully.
"Yes it is. Very." Roy smirked. He was obviously having fun and Riza hadn't called him insufferable yet. He felt this as a rare moment to engage in camaraderie with his second-in-command. In truth, he valued the other's company almost as much as Hughes', maybe more.
"So, pray tell, what did you do last night instead of engaging in your-ehem-duties?" Riza remarked dryly, on a whim deciding to humor the Colonel and press him for details into his bawdy lifestyle.
"The usual. Get home, throw myself on the couch. Get up to make dinner. Make a drink. Sit on the couch and read for a bit. Take a shower, go to sleep." Roy said breezily with a sigh.
"Oh? That sounds positively domestic."
"It appears you have overestimated my reputation, Lieutenant. I'm flattered." Oh no, the smirk was back.
"Hardly. I just thought that I was lucky enough not to have you call me to drive you home, inebriated, yet again." Riza replied curtly. Roy's smirk faded.
"Jeez Hawkeye, I didn't know you felt that way."
"Well Sir, it's not exactly an honor to have to fend off your drunken attentions."
"Oh? Well, I apologize."
"No need Sir. It's basically an extension of my duty."
"I don't think picking me up drunk is part of your job description, Hawkeye." Roy managed a half-scowl, half-smirk. Riza made a small smile.
"Neither is threatening you to do your paperwork at gunpoint, Sir, but I do it anyway. It's a necessary evil to fulfilling my promise."
"Well, I'm glad you feel that way." Roy managed to smile. There was never a moment he felt more endeared to his Lieutenant than now.
"Thank you sir. Now…about that paperwork…" With this comment, Roy snapped back from the endearing moment to reality.
"Oh! About that…oh will you look at the time! I've got to go call Hughes to get the brat. Havoc might be in pieces by now. See you Hawkeye." Roy said as he made his rapid escape. Riza sighed.
"See you then, Colonel."
A/N: Forgive me if they seemed OOC at any point there, but I was figuring out a conversation between them. And I didn't want to hint at too much affection. At any rate, here's some out-of-AU Royai to satisfy your tastes folks! I know you hard-core Royai fans were just begging for some.
Up next…Why it sucks to be Roy! This is when I start ripping off and twisting the Hallmark version of Snow White…le sigh D'you think I could break the songfic rule and stick a few songs in once or twice?
And of course, Archer doing what he does best, being a snarketty snark snark! Sorry to all the Archer Fangirls out there…if there ARE any!
