A/N: Again sorry for updating chapters so far apart... my work got kinda crazy the last few weeks....

Hope there are left few readers...

Please read and review...I really want to hear what do you think coz I'm getting to the more difficult parts and I really need to hear few new ideas.

Thanks in advance!!!!

17. Carlisle

I led her back to Carlisle's office. He heard us approaching, "Come in," he invited us in as soon as he heard me stop by the door. Carlisle was sitting in his chair and closed a book he was reading. "What can I do for you?" he asked pleasantly, getting up from his seat. Usually, there was no need for him to speak aloud when he was talking only to me, but he was being polite for Bella. "I wanted to show Bella some of our history," I told him, "Well your history actually." Again I felt this strange need for her to know me, and yet I didn't want her to know everything. "We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella apologized. Such a polite, wonderful young girl, Carlisle was thinking, she's so good for you, just what you need, he was thinking. "Not at all. Where are you going to start?" he asked me. "The Waggoner." I placed one hand very gently, barely touching her on her shoulder and turned her around so that she was facing the door that we came through. As I touched her even in this casual way, her heart reacted, and Carlisle and everyone in the house noticed that. That reaction is not from fear I'm positive at this point, Carlisle thought, and he was very pleased to see how much she was comfortable with me. I still had trouble getting used to it. I very gently pulled her to the left side of the painting covered wall. "London in the sixteen-fifties," I told her as she looked at the first picture of an old city. "London of my youth,"Carlisle added. Bella flinched, of course she didn't hear him walk towards us. I squeezed her hand just a little bit to reassure her. Carlisle was thinking about work. "Will you tell the story?" I asked him. Bella twisted a bit, I guess to see his face. Carlisle met her glance and smiled reassuringly at her, "I would, but I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning – Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides, you know the stories as well as I do," he added grinning at me. Of course I knew them well; I saw them all in his mind. Carlisle gave another warm smile to Bella, and left the room very pleased, in his mind today is going better then he could imagined. Better because Bella showed no fear, which is still a bad thing, well at least I could tell she was afraid of other vampires. She had some survival instincts, but they were very poor. I watched her beautiful face to distract myself and that worked quit fast. "What happened then?" she asked and looked at me, "When he realized what had happened to him?"

I looked at a different picture a large landscape with dull colors. I told her Carlisle's story as detailed as I thought she could handle, I was so lost in the story that when I got to the part where Carlisle swam to France I suddenly heard her low voice "Is that possible?" Bella asked in a faint voice. "No. there are very few ways we can be killed." I saw that she was going to ask how can we be killed but I wasn't going to answer that, like the question how do you turn into a vampire. "So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself." I could see it in Carlisle mind the unbearable thirst, I could remember my own newborn thirst, and it still astonishes me that he was able to resist drinking blood all together. "One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared." The vile monster we all feared, that existed within us. "Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again." Found the way of life that we all lived by… most of the time. "He began to make better use of him time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and, - "

"He swam to France?" Bella asked shocked. "People swim the Channel all the time, Bella." I reminded her. "That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on." She answered, still a little stunned. "Swimming is easy for us – "I told her. "Everything is easy for you," she griped. I waited amused, it shouldn't be amusing that she thought of me as a superhero still, but in this context it was funny. "I won't interrupt again, I promise." She told me. We'll see how many seconds she can keep that promise up. I chuckled darkly as I dropped the next piece of information about vampire I was willing to share with her. "Because, technically, we don't need to breath." She was shocked. "You – " 15 seconds she lasted. "No, no, you promised," I laughed, and barely touching her skin I laid my finger on her lips. Immediately I wanted to lay my lips on hers again, but now was not the time for that. "Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"You can't spring something like that on me, and then expect me to say nothing." She mumbled against my finger. I lifted my hand from her lips and placed it on her neck, feeling the warmth and the pulsing blood, which now raced faster than usual. "You don't have to breathe?" Bella demanded, more like an accusation. "No, it's not necessary. Just a habit." I shrugged. The ability to hold my breath was the reason she was still here, alive. Shame washed me as I remembered breathing her scent for the first time, and how much I wanted her blood. It still burns me, but it is dimmed by the unbelievable amount of love I felt for her. "How long can you go… without breathing?" Bella asked, still shocked. "Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable – being with a sense of smell."

"A bit uncomfortable," she echoed in her beautiful voice. Will she realize the differences between us are much more than she thought? Too different. She didn't say anything; she was shocked and taken a back. Could this last piece of information be the end? Is that what will make her leave me? Deep pain shot through my body at the thought. I was absolutely motionless from the pain, she noticed. "What is it?" She asked touching my face. I could feel her warmth heating me, my face unfreezing under her soft touch. "I keep waiting for it to happen." I told her the truth, what was on my mind. "For what to happen?" She asked, and I could tell from her voice that she had no idea what I was talking about. "I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go." I smiled a half hearted smile, and felt the pain of such mental image ripping me to shreds. "I won't stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…" I looked at her waiting for her response, waiting for her to make that crucial decision that will end me. "I'm not running anywhere," she promised, and all memories of distressed faded. Momentarily, but I still wanted her safe, how long would I be able to convince myself that I was protecting her? Well, for now with others of my kind nearby, I am going to be here, protecting her.

"We'll see," I said, smiling more naturally this time. Bella frowned at me and led me back to the reason why we were here. "So, go on – Carlisle was swimming to France." I looked at the next picture. The Volturi with Carlisle, it was by far the largest picture of them all, bigger than the door. "Carlisle swam to France, and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine – and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." I remembered clearly, seeing it in his mind, the decision to be near human blood without drinking it, without being so much as tempted by it. It was still hard to understand how he could do this. "I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…" I looked away from her now. What would happen if Bella will trip or get a bleeding bruise? Could I be as strong as Carlisle? Would I be able to resist her flowing blood like I could resist her scent? Or would I end up killing the reason for my existence?

After a long moment I taped on the painting in front of us, remembering what we were doing here. "He was studding in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers." I could remember it through Carlisle, his time with the Volturi. I knew the law should be upheld and for a good reason, but still I didn't like them. Maybe it was the problem that I had with all of our kind that feed on humans. Now that I was in love with one my prospective on this matter became even more extreme. Bella lighted a startled laughter as she recognized Carlisle in the picture. "Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods." I chuckled, they probably did think of themselves as gods. "Aro, Marcus, Caius." I said, indicating the other three men in the picture. "Nighttime patrons of the arts." It was one of the names they called themselves; there is no need for Bella to know what they really are. "What happened to them?" Bella wondered aloud, her fingers hovering as if to touch the painting. "There still there," I shrugged; it was difficult for her mind to comprehend that my kind doesn't change, ever. "As they have been for who know how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades." It is not a short time to her, it isn't even short for me, but to the ancient one's it is. "He greatly admired their civility, their refinements, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his natural food source', as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see." It is that loneliness that eventually made him create me and Esme; I never resented him for it. Because I could read his mind I could read the pure motivations behind it, the need for companionship, for a family. "He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began to practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity." Getting attached to humans had the large disadvantages that they would die eventually or notice that you're not getting older at all.

"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd being turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act – since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try…" my voice grew low; I looked to the outside window. I could see it all, as I saw it clearly in Carlisle's memories. My parent's death, again I felt an old ancient pain as I remembered my mother's face in Carlisle's mind. I can remember his loneliness and his conclusion after my mother's request to save me, he decided to change me. I could still remember the pain of the transformation clearly, even after 90 years, it was crystal clear. I could see it through Carlisle's eyes and my own, the pain and confusion, of what have I become? But even with all of that I wasn't going to tell her the tenacities of becoming a vampire. I should also warn the others not to tell her, shouldn't be a problem, except for Alice… but I wasn't going to worry about that now, I should live in the present and enjoy the time I have with my angel, I looked at her again and smiled at just the sight of her face. "And so we've come full circle." I concluded. "Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" she wondered, curiously. Again another question I didn't want to answer, I didn't want her to know about my monsters' years, the lives I've ended no matter how justified they were. "Almost always," It was honest; I put my hand lightly on her waist and pulled her out through the door we came through. She looked back at the wall of pictures, with a speculative expression; I hoped she was distracted enough. We walked down the hall when she asked "Almost?" well I shouldn't expect her to forget anything. I sighed, I didn't want to answer, but I didn't want to lie, "Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence – about ten years after I was… born… created, whatever you want to call it." Well might as well tell her the whole truth, let her see the real monster I am." I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented his for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time." Was it coming now? I was horrified, was she going to see the real monster, that I have feed on human blood for so long, ended so many lives…. "Really?" she asked with nothing but curiosity in her voice, could she really take me for what I am? Should she? She disserved a lot better. We were still walking and she looked in danger to fall since she wasn't really looking where she was going, I held her hand more firmly. "That doesn't repulse you?" I asked, after a long moment of silence. What was she thinking? "No," she answered point blank and I could tell that she really meant it. I was deeply relived though I shouldn't be. "Why not?" I asked, pushing my luck, and being impossibly curios myself. "I guess… it sounds reasonable." I laughed, maybe it was reasonable, but she wasn't and I was happy for that.

"From the time of my new birth, I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle – I could read his perfect sincerity, understand exactly why he lived the way he did. It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the… depression… that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thought of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl – if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible." I told her the full truth behind my decision, would she take the excuse I made for myself? She shivered and I could see she was lost in imagination. Imagining me hunting, I felt sick at myself. I had to stop her from thinking too much about it, to see clearly. "But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved." They loved me more than I disserved, like Bella loved me more than I was worthy. I stopped that train of thought as we reach my room, "My room," I informed her. I opened the door and pulled her through.

I read her face as she scrutinized my room, which I guess with all of the CD's and the stereo and no bed looked more like a record store. She looked at the fabric that covered the walls, "good acoustics?" she asked, still a little stunned. I chuckled at her expression and nodded. I took the remote control and turned on the stereo on a nice low background voice. She moved to the wall full of CD's, starting at them. "How do you have these organized?" she asked trying to find a pattern. "Umm, by year, and then by personal preferences within that frame?" I said absently, my mind was full with joy. She knew by now every single detail about me, knew and accepted me as I am, and loved me still. She turned to look at me, "What?" she asked. "I was prepared to feel… relived. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me happy… happy." I shrugged, and I couldn't keep the smile off my face, letting myself experience this new sensation of joy from every direction. "I'm glad," she said, smiling back. She was happy too, she should be happy; she should be happy, safe in her home not in a house full of vampires. "You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?" she guessed, right on target as usual. I tried to smile but I couldn't, and I nodded. I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually." She tried to lie, but she didn't fool me, I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. However, that little remark demanded a serious reaction. So it's time to show her just how scary I can be, without harming her in any way of course. I flashed a wicked smile at her, "you really shouldn't have said that," I chuckled darkly. I growled a fierce growl, my lips curled back from my teeth. I shifted my body to a half-crouch, and tensed myself to spring. I did this all relatively slowly, to get the maximum impact and as inhuman as I could. She started to back away from me, glaring and horrified, "You wouldn't." And then I leaped quickly at her catching her in my arms, and protecting her with them as I curved her to my body for maximum protection. And then we crashed on the sofa and knocked it into the wall. She wasn't harmed, but she gasped for air as she tried to right herself. I wasn't having that, having her even an inch further away from me. The closer I had her the more it was not enough. I curled her into a ball against my chest, and held her gently and securely. She glared at me in alarm her breathing still not back to normal. I grinned at her. "You were saying?" I growled playfully this time. "That you are a very, very scary monster," she said trying to sound sarcastic with no doubt. "Much better," I approved.

"Um, can I get up now?" she asked struggling, or I guessed she was, it didn't affect me at all. I just laughed at her fable attempt, she was so frail. "Can we come in?" Alice called from the hall. Bella tried to move but I just moved her so she would sit on my lap. What are you two doing? Alice thought. She didn't see, giving us some privacy in her own way. Jasper was with her, a bit worried by the sounds of crushing. Alice peeked in and Bella chicks turned pink with blood, Alice didn't mind. "Go ahead," I told them while still chuckling. Alice walked to the middle of the room and sat on the floor. Jasper noticed Bella's checks flowing with blood, and I warned him with a look not to come closer. "It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice said playfully. I didn't consider the amount of noise I was making, I was having too much fun. Bella stiffened from fear, for a few seconds and then relaxed as she saw me grinning at Alice, very pleased with myself infect. "Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," I answered my favorite sister, and held Bella even closer to me. How does he do that? How can he stand it? Jasper was thinking while he took a deep burning breathe, but I ignored him, until I saw that he was warning me that he is coming into the room as well. "Actually," he said and walked in, slowly, "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?" you should be after the last game you missed, to watch Bella sleeping. Emmett is still not over it. I did in fact miss playing, it's being a while since I let go and had fun like that, but I hesitated, I didn't want to be away from Bella. Alice saw that I wasn't going anywhere without Bella. "Of course you should bring Bella," Alice chirped. Jasper threw her a frantic look. He wasn't happy about the idea of having Bella nearby, a constant temptation. "Do you want to go?" I asked her full of hope. "Sure. Um, where are we going?" Bella asked, a bit shaken, but I guessed from her clumsiness that she wasn't a big sports fan. "We have to wait for thunder to play ball – you'll see why," I promised her. Thunder was the only sound that can drawn the collision of the ball getting hit by a bat swung at the speed that we do, not to mention the accession collisions with ourselves aren't low on sound as well. "Will I need an umbrella?" Bella asked. "Will she?" Jasper asked Alice, though he didn't really care. "No. the storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing." Alice declared. "Good, then." Jasper was enthusiastic and it was contagious, Bella was getting enthusiastic as well. "Let's go see if Carlisle will come," Alice said and got up. "Like you don't know," Jasper teased her. And I could see in her mind that Carlisle will want to come. And she wanted Bella there so they'll have time to bound, and be the friends that she saw Bella being with her. "What will we be playing?" Bella asked, after Jasper closed the door behind him. "You will be watching," I clarified, Emmett would kill me if he'll have to play like a human, beside there's a good chance she will get hurt if she would play and I wasn't having that. "We will be playing baseball." Bella rolled her eyes. "Vampires like baseball?" she asked incredulous. "It's the American pastime," I answered her seriously.