Mikau: Hi everybody! So it looks like updates are going to be a once a month thing. I had hoped to do better, but… Oh well. I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway. Thank you so much to reviewers from last chapter: Aniki-xvi, Phantom Detective 1412, DetectivePandaThief, StrawberryCatclaws, and GoddessOfSweetness-Me!

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd probably have more confidence in myself as a writer. ^.^;

Chapter Seven: Kaito - Decision

For about a week after Saguru offers to be my donor, I avoid being alone with him…while he's conscious. During the day, I act like everything's fine, and we hang out at school as usual…so long as others are around, but I don't go to his bedroom at night…until he's fast asleep.

Honestly, I don't know what to say to him. I'm afraid he'll bring up feeding again, and I still don't know what I'm going to tell him. I'm just scared I'll break under pressure if he presses me about it now.

He wants to. I can tell that Saguru wants to force the issue and ask me, but at the same time, I can read the anxiety on his face, and I smell the indecision on him. He's worried. He's afraid of what I'll say, and yet he still wants me just to give him an answer already.

I can't.

So I pretend that nothing is wrong and avoid being alone with him so that we don't have to discuss it.

But then at night I go to his room, quietly opening the sliding glass door and creeping over to his bedside. The lesser spirits that haunt his house scurry for cover upon my arrival. Most of them have cleared out over the past month because they fear me. The remainder make sure to be on their best behavior and do their utmost to stay out of my way.

I gaze down at Saguru's peaceful sleeping face, and I feel hungry. I debate going in for a quick lick, a tiny taste, but then I catch myself and gag in disgust at my baseness.

I'm repulsive. I'm slime.

To complete the picture of incubus deflowering sleeping virgin, I drop my shimmer. I wonder if I really look like those demons in the paintings. I feel wicked and vile. If only I could just be…

But Saguru's words come to mind as I stand there over him. He's told me in the past that I'm fine the way I am. I don't need to change.

I tell myself that my desires are normal and healthy. I try to accept the fact that I'm an incubus and that there's nothing shameful about how I'm feeling right now.

I'm a little difficult to convince, and I feel angry at my parents for conceiving me, mad at my dad for dying and leaving me without anyone to turn to for guidance…angry especially at myself for not being stronger, strong enough to resist these fey urges.

Saguru shifts slightly, rolling onto this right side as he groans.

I freeze and pray that he doesn't wake. If he sees me hovering over him while he sleeps, watching him like some creeper…I don't know what I'll do, how I'll explain.

Fortunately, Saguru slumbers on.

Unfortunately, he starts to dream, and the sweet, musky scent of arousal fills the air, hitting me in the gut like an uppercut. Saguru moans again, and my mouth starts to water.

He smells soo good. I just want to taste him. Though, he'd probably wake up if I pulled back the covers, let myself into his pants, and helped whatever dream he's currently having become a reality.

I bite my lip and look away, face burning in shame.

I shouldn't be here. These feelings are wrong. This isn't love that I'm experiencing; it's not even lust one would normally feel for a prospective partner. What I'm feeling is hunger. I'm craving Saguru the same way I yearn for chocolate fudge, and this realization scares and sickens me.

Do I really have a crush on him, or is he just the first human I've gotten close enough to feed off of? But no. It's not just a physical attraction to him that makes me think I'm in love. I love his mind and his selflessness. I adore his sense of humor and the thoughtful little things he does for me. I do love him.

But it's all getting jumbled up in my head. Love, lust, hunger… Tonight in his dimly lit bedroom, hunger is winning out, but tomorrow at school it'll be love. When I ever get around to hanging out at night with him again, love and lust will duke it out with hunger getting a few shots off.

I flee before I do something stupid like waking him up from his sensual dream only to beg, "Have your way with me. I'm starving to death."

I flee, but I come right back the next night after he's asleep. This time I keep my distance so I'll be able to think clearly. I twirl around slowly in his desk chair, on the opposite side of the room from the bed.

So…I like Saguru. I want to be a couple and kiss and hug and all that. Obviously, that's not going to happen until after I'm completely honest with him. So Shinichi's right. I have to tell him I'm an incubus. It's an inevitability.

I stop spinning in the chair and gaze gloomily at Saguru as he dreams on without a care, oblivious to my struggle.

The only question is when I'm going to tell him. Not now. Not soon. I'm not ready. I want to be a couple and do physical stuff eventually, but…not for another couple months at the least.

Because I'm afraid of intimacy. I'm terrified of losing control. I fear rejection, and I'm scared of loving only to lose. This isn't just a matter of sex. It's deeper than that. Letting Saguru in means commitment and trust and all sorts of things that petrify me because I have no experience with them.

I suppose it all comes down to "Is having Saguru in my life worth it?" "Is he worth the risks?"

I study that angelic face—creamy skin as fair as a storybook maiden's, hair the shade of gooey warm honey, lips as pink as rain-kissed tulips. His breathing is slow and rhythmic; his chest rises and falls peacefully. A stray bang has fallen across his face over his left eye. Physically he's gorgeous. Personality-wise, he's even better. He's pure-hearted and genuinely kind. He's suffered too, and it's made him compassionate.

I do want him in my life.

So I have to tell him the truth.

I sigh and quietly sneak out.

The next night I sit on top of the back of the couch in silence, brooding.

I drop my shimmer, revealing my tail, ears, and teeth, all distinctly unhuman…. I'm ugly. This is what I really look like, and I hate it. I'm a freak. That part hasn't changed just because Saguru has found out I'm a demon and yet still been able to see past that to my humanity.

I wonder if he could really accept this for a lover. It's been over a month and a half since he's seen me in my true form…back when I used to terrorize him…and he's never really gotten a good look at me. Could he keep accepting me as I am even if it meant making love to a glimmery-skinned, sharp-toothed, pointy-eared monster with a tail?

Maybe. I can hope, but…

I come back every night that week. Sometimes I hang out on the balcony; sometimes I kneel at his bedside. Always, my mind swims with what-ifs and could-bes. I stress about the future and accomplish nothing but further depressing myself. I go over the same issues time and time again, only succeeding in working myself up.

Well, I do manage to clarify some things, but more often I just ruminate over how I'm a crazy stalker monster, breaking into my crush's room at night to ogle him (like a hot fudge sundae and a gritty gravure pinup in turns) and agonize over my situation.

On the sixth night, I sit on the nightstand and practice how I'm going to tell him I'm an incubus and ask him to be my donor. Of course, these conversations will take place several weeks to several months apart, but…

The only thing is that Saguru's sleeping fitfully tonight. He keeps shifting and grumbling, eventually sinking into an erotic dream.

I can smell it. I love the scent of Saguru's arousal; it's almost intoxicating, like chocolate covered strawberries that just melt in your mouth. It's a rich, full scent with an amber aftertaste.

I'm easily distracted by it and start toying with the idea of trailing my tongue all over his body to collect the sexual energy he's radiating.

I shake my head, trying to break away from his hypnotizing allure. It's so strong, and I'm hungry.

Time to go.

With a sigh I get up and turn to leave.

"Kaito…"

I literally jump like a startled cat and land in a crouch on top of the back of the sofa. I hold my breath as my heart beats like a crazy ax murderer knocking down the door, afraid he's caught me, seen me like this.

But Saguru's still dreaming.

"Kaito," he calls softly in his sleep. "Kaito," he moans far from innocently.

My body starts to buzz at the sound of my name on his lips. It sounds like a dirty suggestion, and I like it.

I approach his bedside cautiously and kneel beside it. "Saguru," I whisper, tentatively reaching out and stroking his face, trailing a finger down his cheek, skimming his throat.

He lets out a soft, animal noise of satisfaction, and I giggle in excitement.

Because that's my name he's calling. That's me in his dream wreaking havoc on his senses.

Shinichi was right: Saguru probably wouldn't reject me as a "homo freak" after all. Saguru—or at least his subconscious—finds me desirable enough to have a wet dream about.

"Saguru," I breathe, my entire body tingling in a mix of true lust and hunger.

I gently nuzzle his cheek and stroke his face again. It takes all of my self-control to pull away and leave. I have no business being here, and this isn't how I want things to go.

I don't just want to feed off of him; I want to make love with him. I'm still not sure I'm ready to share my secrets and accept his offer yet, but I know I will someday. And when that day comes, I want to do it right.

I think I have my answers now. I want to try being with Saguru, even if it does go how Shinichi says and he keeps aging while I stop and eventually dies while I get left behind.

I really do want to try a "normal" human relationship, and regular human life before I'm forced to accept my supernatural side…before I commit to Shinichi…and to switching names and residences every couple decades for the remainder of our centuries together.

I slip off into the night, texting Shinichi as I go, asking if he can meet up for dinner tomorrow.

"You sounded like you wanted to talk about something important, but it couldn't have been very urgent because you were able to wait to discuss it until tonight, almost a full twenty-four hours later." Shinichi tries to puzzle me out as I set down the Chinese carry-out in front of him.

"I made a decision," I announce a little hesitantly. I'm proud that I finally came to a decision, but, at the same time, I'm a little reluctant to tell him because, after his dramatic confession, I still feel bad about giving any other guy but him the time of day.

Shinichi cocks an eyebrow at me and waits.

I fidget with the chopsticks and the sauce packets before just sitting down and declaring, "I'm going to give things with Saguru a shot—the whole boyfriends-donor-telling him I'm an incubus thing." I peek up at Shinichi.

In general he looks as impassive as always, but I can just make out a slight elevation of one side of the mouth. There's a coy light in his crystalline blue eyes that tells me he's pleased.

"I think that's the right move." He nods in approval. "This way you'll learn to accept who you are and stop being so freaked out about feeding. This is a healthy step forward you're taking, Kaito. I'm glad you've decided to stop denying your fey blood…. So…when are you and Hakuba going to start feeding?" He's a little reluctant to ask. I bet part of him doesn't want to know about my involvement with other men.

My face flushes, and I dig into my fried rice to avoid having to face him. It's so weird, talking about my relationship with another man to my—for all intents and purposes—fiancé. "Actually…I haven't told Saguru yet. I've kind of been avoiding him all week, but…I'm going to start visiting him again tonight, and…maybe in a few days I'll tell him what I've decided. After that…" I shrug, trying to be nonchalant when I'm actually mortified on the inside. "Maybe we'll start feeding in a couple months. I mean, I still want to wait at least another month before I tell him about my species, and then I—"

"—So what you're telling me is that you haven't really made any kind of decision after all," Shinichi sighs, rolling his eyes at me. "Kaito…"

"I have too made a decision!" I pout, finally looking him straight in the eye so that I can glare childishly. "Before I wasn't sure if I would ever tell him anything. Now, I'm sure that I am going to tell him and let him be my donor. It's…just a question of when, and I don't feel comfortable yet, so…so…later."

Shinichi stares steadily, his expression reading, "Seriously? Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

I hang my head and mumble as I pick at my rice, "Well, isn't that at least some improvement? I made a small decision, didn't I?"

"You did," Shinichi concedes, still not thrilled because my progress is moving too slow for his "get Kaito to accept his fey heritage so he can come to terms with my life plan for us" agenda.

"Look," I whisper, wishing he could just understand why this is so hard for me. "I know you think I should think of sex as nourishment first, pleasure second, and a symbol of devotion, sacrifice, and love third, but…it's the exact opposite for me. I know it differs even among humans, but…for me, before I found out about all this fey stuff, I always thought that kissing and all that, sharing my body with someone, was sacred. I still think that way, so I want my first times with both you and Saguru to be that way. It's a big deal to me, and it's not something I can rush, so—"

I break off suddenly as Shinichi leans across the table and places a tender kiss on my forehead. One of his wispy shadow tentacles caresses my cheek while his hands come to rest on top of my own.

"Okay," Shinichi agrees gently. "You're right, Kaito. I should be happy that you are making some progress, and it's wrong of me to push you when you're not ready. I'm sorry, so…just do whatever you need to do. I'll support you, and I'll be patient."

I smile tiredly, flipping my hands over to hold his, giving them a little squeeze. "Thanks, Shin-chan."

Is it just me, or has Shinichi gotten more thoughtful lately? He seems to be showing more emotion, sharing his feelings more. Maybe he's trying to relate to me now that he's shown his hand and made his intentions clear to me. Maybe Shinichi's making an effort to be the kind of caring, loving partner I so badly want.

It makes me happy, and yet…it comes with a stab of guilt because even now my head is spinning over Saguru.