Comparatives
Chapter 7 - Deacon Part Three
Disclaimer:All recognizable characters and dialogue belong to the genius mind of Callie Khouri.
A/N: After writing about the weeks leading up to that fateful episode, I couldn't believe how much actual crap Rayna had dealt with during that time. I hope Y'all like this chapter. Sorry it took so long. I wanted to get it just right.
Everything was moving too fast. She was losing control. What was happening around her? Rayna Jaymes hated feeling out of control. She liked being in charge. She thrived on knowing exactly what each day held for her. So, to take hit after hit after hit in the time span of six weeks nearly broke her.
It all started with that kiss in the elevator.
Hit number one.
At the moment of tangled tongues and caressing bodies, she wouldn't have actually considered it a hit. She initially felt as if she were a pressure valve releasing pent up steam that was being contained for thirteen years. But the second Deacon pulled away from her, the valve was shut tightly. She wanted to do anything to reopen it. She wanted him. She wanted to feel that release in so many ways.
She texted him, knowing exactly what "talk" meant when she typed it. She wouldn't have circled her thumbs over and over the text message icon if she meant it to be completely innocent. She wanted to know what spurred this on. She wanted to know what came over him.
So, when the knock at the door jolted her out of her fantasies and she stopped her pacing, she was edging very close to their boundaries. She was edging toward the reality of having Deacon in ways she only dreamed of for years. She must have looked completely flabbergasted when she opened the door.
Teddy.
Hit number two.
What the hell was Teddy doing in Chicago? She quickly recovered, stepping aside and letting him in, her eyes quickly searching down the hall.
No Deacon.
Hit number three.
He wasn't going to show. She dared to dip a toe into the forbidden water that was their tumultuous relationship, and he stood her up. She was devastated, but she quickly recovered. She couldn't even begin to imagine the problems that would have spurred from Deacon being either caught in her room or him showing up to her room. That would have sent Teddy into a tailspin. Then to her surprise, Teddy started the conversation and she felt like she went numb.
Teddy wanted a divorce.
Hit number four.
The next day they arrived in Atlanta and they had a series of press events to attend. She was in a cloudy haze. She just couldn't believe it, but something else broke her out of her trance, having to focus on something other than herself.
Teddy wants to tell the girls as soon as possible.
Hit number five.
This one really hit her hard. All she wanted to do her entire life was protect her girls. Every decision she had ever made was with the girls' best interest at heart. She sacrificed everything for them and now Teddy was going to undo all of that. Their hearts were going to be broken.
When she arrived at the hotel with Bucky later that day, she saw Liam in the lobby.
Hit number six.
Liam is the last person she wanted to see. It was only three weeks ago they had that enormous fight. She basically told him to fuck off. She didn't need him to succeed. Partners didn't go behind each other's backs. Well, Deacon never did. The last thing she needed right now was to deal with this guy. At the very least though, she was a professional. She did what she could to continually rise above all the crap that came along with being the queen of country. She always hated that title. She hated it even more when she didn't act like it.
She missed her cue. She froze on stage.
Hit number seven.
Whether it was her first time performing at the Bluebird, the first time at a music festival, the first time with double ears in, the first time her mix minus was bad, the first time she played a stadium show, the first time Deacon didn't show up, she NEVER froze on stage.
She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't focus. She was hearing everything in front of her, and in her ears as muffled. All she could hear was Teddy asking for a divorce. All she could hear was her girls' hearts breaking into small pieces. She couldn't let him do that to her. She was better than that. She heard her cue again, and fell into a groove.
After the show and congratulatory wishes, Deacon catches her eye and he calls her out.
"You are not fine."
Hit number eight.
He does care. She hates that he cares now, because now, she can't do this with him. She will break into a million pieces if she tells him he was right. She should have never married Teddy because like she gave up on Deacon (or so he thought), Teddy gave up on her. She was not going to lose it at an afterparty. She needed to get out of there. She needed to get drunk. Deacon was not the person to oblige her in that simply luxury.
So, she does exactly that. She drinks too much. She tells Liam too much. She lowers her inhibitions too much. She flirts too much. She feels the need to feel wanted. She feels the need to feel attractive. She feels the need to prove that men still want her, even if her own husband doesn't.
She kissed Liam. She followed Liam into his room. She humiliated herself in front of Liam.
Hit number nine.
She stared at herself in the mirror in a hotel bathroom, not recognizing the mess that stared back. Her eyes are dazed, her makeup is smudged and she can see the desperation in her eyes. She was pathetic. Then, she can't help but sob as quietly as possible. Thankfully Liam is there for her. He is there in the way that Deacon used to be there. She hates that it's not Deacon, but loves Liam for being a friend in that moment.
The next morning, she said her goodbyes to Liam in the lobby, unaware that Deacon was watching her. She was so grateful for Liam and not taking advantage of what she really needed. Like she said the previous evening, she needed to get away from her life for a bit. Liam granted that escape for a bit.
So, when they were out by the buses, Deacon jabbed her with a comment about last night. She knew he made assumptions about her relationship with Liam and he was pissed and frankly, she didn't care. She couldn't deal with him, on top of everything else. So, when she challenged him, asking what the hell he wanted from her, his response hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Nothing Rayna. Not a damn thing." He didn't need her.
Hit number ten.
The ironic part is that she never stopped needing him. She needed him to give her confidence when they first were starting out. She needed him to make her feel like a woman, and not the uncertain girl that her father thought of her. She need him to get sober. She needed him to protect her. She needed him in her band. She needed him like she needed air.
She went home and she and Teddy waited for the girls. This was the moment that would destroy them. It wasn't until after a very long conversation, a lot of tears, even more questions, that Maddie unknowingly opened a whole other dimension of her marriage. In her bedroom, Maddie asked her if the reason she and Teddy were splitting up was because of 'that woman', she overheard him on the phone with.
Teddy Conrad was a cheat and a liar.
Hit number eleven.
Rayna hugged her daughter in that moment, more because she was the one in need of comfort. When she went to bed that night, all she could think about were her previous conversations with Teddy regarding Peggy Kenter. She remembered the conversation they had in their kitchen, when she came face to face with her. She alerted Teddy then, that she was aware of Peggy's motive.
She thought about the pictures that surfaced. Teddy promised her the pictures were taken out of context. How dumb was she to believe him? They were probably fucking then. They are probably still fucking now. If Rayan wanted to play devil's advocate, she couldn't really blame him. They hadn't had sex in months. When she masturbated, she never thought of him. How stupid could she be?
The next day after confronting Teddy at his office and accusing Tandy of being in the know, she witnesses first hand that her life was no longer private.
Tabloids.
Hit number twelve.
Her life was displayed for all to see. They were in the supermarket and the girls witnessed it too. Her face was plastered on every shelf by the checkout. The cover of magazines talking about the divorce, about Peggy, about Liam and of course, about Deacon. She sacrificed so much to not have this happened. She gave up interviews, talk show spots, been bumped from things all because she refused to talk about anything but the music. It was the one thing she and Deacon did well together. They hid themselves from everyone.
The days following didn't seem to slow things. Juliette threw Deacon a birthday party, which royally upset Rayna. Her whole life, Rayna wanted to celebrate Deacon's birthday. Especially the years where she felt they had something to celebrate, like living. He continuously refused. They always celebrated privately. But now? Juliette was going to give him this and it killed her.
She did have her moment with him. He told her he wished he heard about the divorce from her. She got her point across. "I didn't want to drag you through it. I want to do right by you." There! She put it out there. She wanted something to progress with him in due time. She wasn't sure how long it was going to take, but she took that first step.
Rayna decided that New York was going to be a girls' trip. She took the girls and Tandy with her to log in some much need time. She loved when her girls travelled with her. It reminded her of when they were younger and they needed her way more than they likely need her now.
They checked into the hotel and decided to head out for Chinese food. That tradition, like most, started with Deacon. Rayna never tasted like Chinese food like she had when she was nineteen and in New York. It stopped being Deacon's tradition and became her girls' tradition.
After greeting some fans in the lobby, she, Tandy and the girls headed out. Rayna was putting on some winter gloves, her head down, focusing on the task when she heard Daphne squeal for Deacon. When she looked up, he was getting out of a car, with a dog in his arms and an attractive girl next to him.
The girls took the focus away from Rayna who was completely flabbergasted. He never traveled with anyone. Well, he never traveled with anyone in broad daylight like that. She wanted to refrain but couldn't help herself.
"You two working together?" She knew she shouldn't have. It wasn't any of her business.
"I'm his girlfriend." The petite girl replied.
Hit number Thirteen.
The worst hit of them all!
As they walked away, she felt like she was in a daze and had to clarify what the hell just happened. "Girlfriend?"
Yup." Tandy confirmed. And that is why she loved Tandy. She was the only other person that could truly understand the weight of that title. Deacon didn't do girlfriends. Thinking that title was saved for her was crazy. It was preposterous. She knew that deep inside, but the second she and Teddy decide to separate, he gets a girlfriend. She knew what she was getting – a taste of her own medicine. A thirteen year bitter taste.
Later that night during her show, she looked over and saw Maddie wrapped in Deacon's arms. That's how it was supposed to be, she thought. She needed to let it go. She needed to focus on something else. But as soon as she walked off that stage, her nosiness got the best of her. She needed to know.
"I like your new girlfriend." She said, knowing how transparent she was at that moment. 'She seems nice." As if that wasn't enough, she couldn't stop herself. "Pretty serious, huh? Dog and all?" And he confirmed it. He said it might be. Getting a 'might be' from Deacon was serious! She felt like she was going to be sick.
The next day she let Maddie and Daphne do sound check. They have been asking for more so she figured this was a very safe place to loosen the reigns a bit. As if it wasn't thrilling enough to see them on stage, having Deacon there was icing on the cake.
Before the show that night, Rayna realized how little control she had of what was coming out of her mouth. With two waters and an orange in his hand, he mentions the girls and how wonderful they are. The girls should have been their talking point. She didn't know why she kept digging this hole, but she did it again. "I really like Stacey." As if that wasn't enough, the truth finally spilled from her. "I want you to be happy, Deacon." And she did. She never thought that scenario wouldn't include her.
A few days later, Tandy called Rayna to let her know that their father had a heart attack.
Hit number Fourteen.
As professional as she was and as tainted as her relationship was with her father, she needed to go to him. So, she cancelled her portion of the show and flew home. As she waited at the hospital, she retrieved a voicemail from Deacon. He was worried about her and she loved him for that. His voice brought a sense of comfort that was irreplaceable.
As the hours passed, the drama came. Watty came to the hospital, and within minutes, she learned that Watty was the man her mother had an affair with for years.
Hit number Fifteen.
Her head was spinning. She couldn't believe it. Watty was her father figure when her own father threw her out. The motive for all the things he did for her now was in question. Was she that talented? Was she that special? Or did Watty feel guilty and this was his way of making it up to her?
Rayna decided to call Deacon back. She wished he was here right now. She knew it wasn't justified, but he was there with her all that time. She wanted to share this revelation with him.
In the early hours of that morning, she felt the warmth of a hand cover her own. When her eyes fluttered open and saw Deacon knelt in front of her, her stomach fluttered too. "It sounded like you needed me", he said to her later. And she did. She really, really needed him in that moment.
Ever since that hospital room, Rayna and Deacon found a new setting to their relationship. The axis shifted a bit and although Deacon never dared ask about her marriage to Teddy, Rayna asked lots of questions about Stacey.
They were on a chartered flight when she dared the first one. "Things good with Stacey?"
"Yeah."
"You happy?"
"Yeah." He answered, afraid the conversation was going to be too awkward.
"You know, you can talk to me about her, right? It doesn't have to be awkward."
"it doesn't?" He smirked.
"No. I know we never talked about Teddy, but that was my marriage. This? You and Stacey? It's different."
"I guess."
"Tell me what you like about her."
"Are you serious?"
"Why not?
"Gee, Ray, I don't know. Because it makes me really uncomfortable?"
"It doesn't have to be."
He didn't give Rayna much on that flight, but the next one he said something that threw her off guard. They were flying back home to Nashville and Juliette was giving Deacon the evil eye over his bond with Rayna. They were having a private laugh over Juliette's immaturity when he spoke up about Stacey.
"She's not petty." He said staring out the window, before daring to bring his eyes to Rayna.
"What?" She asked, initially confused until she recalled her question from days earlier. "Stacey?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"See? It is weird." He dared to state the obvious.
"No. I wouldn't ever imagine you settling down with someone petty."
"It's more than that. She's easy-going. She's far removed from this business which I never thought I would like, but I do." As Deacon went on, a part of her was sorry she asked, but a part of her was curious. "She's simple and you know I like simple."
She laughed at that. Over the years Rayna always raised her nose to the girls Deacon brought around that were high maintenance. She knew they would never last, but also knew Deacon liked the challenge in bed. She wasn't stupid. It was a game for him at times. "Good. You deserve someone that is going to treat you well."
When they stepped out to the tarmac, arms linked, she felt Deacon let go of her as he embraced a sprinting Stacey into his arms. She almost forgot that Deacon wasn't hers. That gut-wrenching feeling of jealousy stung. The more she witnessed him being happy, the more she realized how much her marriage to Teddy must have killed him. She hated to see him this happy without her.
She and Bucky made good use of her time in Nashville, agreeing to meet up with Liam to work together on the album. She needed to be distracted from Deacon, and Liam was an excellent distraction.
As she knew, she and Liam were like gasoline and matches. She kissed him as soon as they were alone in the studio. This time it wasn't filled with whiskey and desperation. It was fun and hot and when she told Tandy about it, she brushed it off.
"Just have a fling."
"Yeah…" She said skeptically. "It's just…"
"What?"
"I don't know." She thought about the fact that she never really had a fling with anyone. She could flirt, she could tease, but she never ever had to follow through on it. She went from Deacon's bed into Teddy's and that was it. "He is really hot." She contemplated out loud.
"Trust me. If you leave your emotions out of it. You'll be fine. It will feel liberating."
So, when Liam asks her to go to St. Lucia with him, she decided to consider it. Why not? She is separated and getting a divorce, Teddy is fucking Peggy. Deacon is fucking Stacey. There was no good reason to say no, other than that she was a little intimidated by the whole thing. It was the fear of the unknown, but maybe Tandy was right.
Liam was her lead guitarist at the Bridgestone that following evening. He really was hot. He was young, attractive, fun and sexy as hell. He had this bad boy routine down pat and she was drawn to it. When an audience member screamed out "Postcard from Mexico", she laughed it off.
"That's an old one. Liam doesn't know the old ones."
Especially that one. She and Deacon hadn't played that song live on stage in years. In front of thousands and thousands of people, they would get lost in each other in such inappropriate ways. It was fine when they were dating, grabbing each other, rubbing up against each other. But in the years she was married, they steered clear of that song, knowing it always ended up with her back slammed up against a wall somewhere close to the steps of the stage.
She was shocked when Liam started to strum the first couple of chords to the song, and it was easier than she thought. It was easy for her to just turn all that pent of sexual energy and give it to someone other than Deacon.
Yes, St. Lucia was going to be fun.
After the show, she planned to leave with Liam for home so she could go pack. As she walked out of her dressing room, she saw Stacey clearly irritated with Deacon. She was able to interpret that she was trying to get away from him and he was following her. He had a certain tone in his voice when he caught up to her and Rayna certainly knew what that sounded like.
Desperation.
She heard it a million times before in the days where he chose whiskey over her and then begged for her forgiveness the next day. These thoughts shuffled through her brain as she watched the scene play out in front of her.
She saw Deacon was hurting, but when she caught Stacey's eyes staring at her, she knew that whatever was going on between them, it was bigger than the two of them. When Stacey threw her hands up in frustration and walked away, Rayna asked if he was okay. He responded with a quick 'yeah', a few pacing steps and then a sudden 'no'.
In an effort for some privacy, she walked backwards behind a supporting beam and asked what was wrong and his answered confirmed for her that timing was not their forte.
"You."
Hit number Sixteen.
As Deacon rambled about them and the way he feels, she realized she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't play these games anymore. It was all too much. Everything that has gone on over the past few weeks was too much to bear, even for her.
So, she let him go. She told him to make things right with Stacey. She was going to have her fling with Liam. It was better this way.
But was it?
Liam dropped her at home and as she pulled out her small suitcase, she started to pack. Crazy thoughts started to flood her mind. Was Deacon truly happy without her?
How many flip flops should she bring? Did Deacon Really mean what he said?
How many bathing suits should she pack? Was fighting what was always between them worth it?
What kind of lingerie would she bring? Was now supposed to be their time and she was making a mistake running off with Liam?
What color evening shoes did she need? Did she need to go tell him she changed her mind?
The thoughts were irrational. Could she go to him right now? Would he even be home? Would Stacey be there? Would he welcome it? Would he send her away? Would Liam hate her?
She had enough hits. She couldn't take anymore. She need to be in control of what was happening in her life.
The bottom line was she needed to tell him what was going on in her heart and hopefully the thoughts in her head would catch up. She hustled down the steps, threw on her scarf, grabbed her keys and headed out. For a split second, she paused in the driveway and wondered if this was a bad idea, but quickly shoved that thought somewhere in the back of her mind. At the very least, he would know how she felt. Thirteen years of not being able to say it was now all consuming in that moment.
When she arrived, she only saw Deacon's car, silently praying that was a sign that Stacey was not there. She knocked once, her stomach doing flip flops in anticipation of what was about to happen. When he opened the door, her eyes immediately went to his body and then back to his face.
"Hey." She said.
"Hey." He said back, not hiding the surprise in his voice.
She blinked, trying to figure out how to start. "Are you by yourself?" It wasn't until that moment that she realized how awkward it would be if Stacey was actually there. How would she explain coming to his door after midnight?
He looked at her, confused. "What's going on, Ray?"
"I was at home, packing for St. Lucia and it just didn't feel right. And, I know you are trying to move on with your life and I'm trying to move on with my life, but…" She started to shake her head. It was his first indication that she didn't agree with her words. Her eyes searched for how to say it. It used to be so easy. She stopped her herself, gained control and looked at him in those blue eyes she loved. "….I love you. That's never not been true." She shrugged her shoulders, admitting defeat in the hard fight she put up against them for over a decade.
Deacon's eyes widened with surprise. He couldn't believe she was here on his doorstep making this proclamation. For years, this scenario only happened in his wildest dreams. "Are you trying to kill me?" He yelled at her. "What are you doing?"
"What?"
"Two hours ago, you were getting on an airplane plane with Liam. You told me to get back with Stacey?" He was angry. All he wanted was for her, once and for all, make up her damn mind.
"Yeah, I know." She stuttered trying to interrupt him, explain her feelings to him.
But he was furious. "Now you are standing right here on my porch and you're telling me this now?" He took a step closer to her, his eyes wild and confused.
"I love you!" She said with the fierce fire that was buried deep within her heart. "That is the truth." Her voice cracked as It all erupted out of her. "And you can do with that what you will, but I needed to let you know and so I did." She put it all out there. It was his choice now. There was no uncertainty.
Deacon pursed his lips, but said nothing. She hated that he didn't respond. She turned on her heal and started to walk away. A thousand thoughts were swirling through her head, as she felt Deacon's eyes on her.
Then she heard it. That one word that came out in a single hitch of breath. "Hey." It was his way of calling her back and she knew exactly what it meant. Years of 'heys' and each had a different meaning.
She quickly spun around and briskly walked back to him as he stepped closer to her and out of his doorway, making an effort too. Her hands grabbed the back of his head, and his arms circled around her back as they pulled each other as close as possible.
It was their first kiss in fourteen years if you didn't count the elevator a few weeks back. It was their first kiss that was intentional and calculated on both sides. It was their first kiss where there was no end in sight. She knew this kiss was not going end with just a kiss.
It felt liberating. It felt as good as she remembered it always could have been. He pushed her a bit and he leaned into her and she pushed him back, desperate to get off his porch and inside his house. Her hands slipped under his arms and grabbed his shoulders, holding on for dear life. He walked her backward and into his house. He had no intention of stopping.
Rayna felt in control of what was happening. She was keenly aware what was happening and trying to savor every moment of what Deacon felt like against her. When they were in the elevator, the shock of his boldness didn't allow her mind to catch up with what was happening in her body. She was not going to let that happen tonight. She was going to savor it.
He opened his mouth and she gladly let him slip his tongue in her mouth, playing with hers. Their kisses were so slow, both never wanting to let it end. She started to unbutton his shirt, making no mistake that she wanted this to end with no clothes and no regrets.
When she finished he quickly unbuttoned her shirt and she watched his hands work, an expertise he mastered in the years with her and all the years without her. Her eyes moved to his face, the look of determination he wore, sexy as hell.
She slid the lapels of his shirt slowly off his shoulders, admiring his toned chest, her eyes not able to tear away from his body. She felt his hands, circle her waist, and move lower to run over her ass, before sliding upwards to pull out her tucked in shirt.
It was slow. It was deliberate. It was hot.
When her shirt was hanging open, they both stepped back to admire each other's bodies. This vision was something neither of them thought they would ever see again. When Rayna saw the bulge straining against his jeans, she pulled Deacon gently by the belt closer to her and started to unbuckle it.
Her need for him suddenly rushed to her core. Once his belt was undone, and she made quick work of the button and zipper. She pushed her breasts against his bare chest. The only material that was between the, was the thin lace of her grey bra.
They both opened their mouths as their kisses became lustful. This was the point of no return. They tasted each other's desires as he walked them backward on his couch and made love so intensely they were left breathless and speechless.
Rayna couldn't remember a kiss that carried so much meaning of love, and thought nothing would compare. She was wrong. It wasn't until a year and a half later that he took her breath away and left her legs wobbly, standing in her kitchen breathless and speechless.
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