Disclaimer: Are you guys as sick of this as I am? Hey Arnold and other obviously referenced stuff in here belong to other people. Sorry this is a short chapter, but it's just a filler pretty much. Read, Review, and Spread the word.
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"I'm telling you, Football Head, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, one would be able to outlast the zombies in a mall." Helga insisted as she followed the Hummer merging onto I-15 S, and entered California.
"And I'm telling you, Helga, you just couldn't do it. You'd run out of food and ammo before they ran out of appetite." He smirked, figuring she would concede to his victory. He should have remembered that nothing is ever that easy with Helga.
"You know, Football Head, for a guy who gets all high marks in school, you sure can be a dope sometimes." He looked at her sharply, and her own smirk peeved him.
"Oh, and how is that?" his snap made her laugh, trying to ease the tension.
"Hey, before you bite my head off, will you hear me out like the good-natured, studious man I know and love?" she asked innocently, and he found it hard to stay mad.
"Yeah, alright, I'll hear you out." She smiled, and took his hand, stroking his knuckles with her thumb.
"Thank you. Alright, so, if you securely lock and block all the doors, and posted sentries, you would be able to outlast the zombies. You're rebuttal?" Arnold suddenly found himself turned on by this logical side of Helga.
"You would run out of food and ammo." He stated again, and she smiled.
"Only if you go about looting the place. If you logically move from one store to the next, rationing the supplies, you might be able to last years." She quirked an eyebrow, as if waiting for him to bring on the next topic.
"Yeah, and then what? When the food runs out, there will still be zombies." She smirked again, as if she knew something he didn't.
"Aren't you forgetting something, Arnoldo?" she was teasing him, he just knew it.
". . . What?"
"Rate of decay, Football Head. Flesh-eating zombies or not, they're still dead and will rot away just like every other dead thing."
"Yeah, but then what about the ones that feast on human flesh. Some would decay faster than others, right?" she shook her head, a smile on her lips as she gazed out on the road.
"Sorry Football Head, but it can't be both ways. If they're dead three-ways to Sunday, there is no digestion, no cellular growth – hence the decay. The flesh they ingest will just sit in their stomachs, rotting along with the rest them. Depending on the climate surrounding the body, decomposition can occur rather quickly. Eventually, they will all end up nothing but a pile of bones; and have you ever seen a skull be able to eat people without muscles, tendons and ligaments to work it?" Arnold sat stunned for a moment, before turning to look at her with a cheesy grin.
"Yes. Army of Darkness, 1992. There were skeletal zombies walking around in that movie." Helga smirked and held up two fingers.
"There are two points wrong with that argument. First is that those were Skeleton Men, not Zombies."
"What do you mean? They came out of the ground, didn't they?" She smirked and held out her hand, signaling that she wanted a drink of her SoBe, while she continued her schooling of her boyfriend in the Ways of Zombie survival. Arnold handed the open bottle to her, hanging on her every word.
"Did you see them actually eat the flesh of the living?"
Arnold paused at the revelation.
"No, no I didn't." She smirked in triumph, and Arnold had another thought.
"What's the second point?" Her smirk widened.
"The second, my dear Football Head, is that the movie you referenced is a Bruce Campbell movie, and is therefore useless. It's like using Wikipedia on a research paper." Arnold laughed, and tried to think of another point to add to the debate, when the little walkie-talkie radio they were given at the beginning of the trek to San Francisco sparked to life.
"Hey, this is Mark, from the Mini Hummer ahead of you guys. Helga, you'll still run out of food in the mall – there's no way to get food trucks in if there's a Zombie Apocalypse." Before Helga could pick up the radio to remark, it flared again.
"Yeah, this Kari, from the Micro Bus behind the leader. I mean when you run out of food and weapons, you'll just end up like a modern-day Masada." Helga grabbed the receiver before anyone else could comment, and spoke directly into it.
"Come on, guys, at least give me something I have to think about! Alright, first I'll address the food. You go about the food in this way: ration out and eat the perishable stuff first, like the supplies in restaurants – meat, vegetables and dairy. Then, you have the preserved stuff, like candy bars and canned food.
"Malls almost always have garden stores, so while you're going through the one source of food, you can plant and grow your own food. Granted, you won't have any meat unless you eat the healthy pets from the pet stores – but it beats the alternative.
"As for the weapons, you have snipers on the roof as part of the sentries. You only have the most skilled marksmen up there, and they pick off the fresher looking ghouls, trying to use only one bullet to the head. Leave the older looking ones to decay on their own. Any more comments?"
"Jack, Kari's co-pilot, and I want to bring us back to the securing of the front doors. What happens when the zombies get smart enough to work through your blockades and get into the mall?" Helga laughed and held the walkie-talkie up t her mouth.
"Tell me, Jack, are you referring to George A. Romero's Land of the Dead, or that Will Smith movie I Am Legend?"
"Well, the Zombies in LotD become smart enough to fight back against Simon Baker; and those in 'I Am Legend' were never stupid."
"Well, Jack, because there is no life, no memory, and little to no motor skills, we can asses that their brain function is relatively low. So, the Romero zombies are exception, not rule. And as for I Am Legend, those weren't zombies, but genetically mutated cannibals – not the living dead, and therefore in a different category where these survival methods don't apply."
The line was silent for a few moments, before Mark's voice came back on.
"Helga, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I'm shackin up with you." A bunch of other voices cackled over the line, and Helga smiled in her victory.
"Attention thrill-seekers. This is your steward, Bung E. Jumper, just letting you know that we will be taking an exit up here that leads to Barstow for fuel, gas, and entertainment I suppose. " Arnold and Helga shared a look, then a laugh. Arnold took the radio from Helga, and held it to his own mouth.
"Bung E. Jumper, huh? Well, that's cool with us I suppose." The line fizzled out, giving way to silence again. Arnold and Helga basked in it, straight faced and quiet, until they looked at each other, and burst into laughter again.
"Bung E. Jumper?"
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