Note: I lose a thousand cool points admitting this, but, I teared up a little as I wrote this chapter and the next (I had to split them in two, just to annoy you guys ;)). I hope my momentary break down was worth something. Enjoy XO... Also, it is unedited
Have I Gone Mad?
"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that."
"I did this!" Damon shouted, "I did this to both of you! How do you think that makes me feel, knowing I had a hand in the things that broke the both of you? Knowing that I'm a part of the reason that you became this hideous person, that she became this…this shell of who she was? It's killing me! It kills me. Every day… and if she's right…if this is how it ends, then it ends for me too…"
The previous night
"What do you mean you're dying tomorrow night?" Damon demanded when Bonnie pulled away from him and began pacing, still crying. "I don't understand Bonnie, is it your health? What is it? Because I won't let anything hurt you let alone kill you, I –"
"Damon, it's me." Bonnie said sadly. "It's me," he felt like he was looking at the same girl that unravelled in front of his eyes all those nights ago when he kicked her door down and she opened up to him, "I'm the reason I'm going to die."
"No," He spat, "There's something you're not telling me." Her face crumpled even more and she collapsed onto the floor; a heaving ball of sobs and tears. "Bonnie." He dropped down next to her and tried to hold her face but she pushed him away, her cries growing louder, more throaty, like the pain was increasing. He began to panic; her not wanting him close by wasn't normal – it wasn't their normal. And her crying had changed too, like whatever she'd seen, whatever she thought she had to accept had ripped her apart all over again. She wasn't breathing properly and her body was practically seizing she was shaking so badly and Damon, again, didn't know what to do.
"It felt, final – Damon," Bonnie choked out in a sob as she curled up into the foetal position, with him hovering over her frantically ghosting his hands over her person, trying to think of something, anything to fix it, "He's going to die and I'm going to die saving him…again." Her voice broke and Damon, pushing through his want to hold her, processed her words. Then it all slammed together – it dawned on Damon what was going to happen and it broke his undead heart.
Jeremy.
Pulling out his phone he called Stefan, keeping his eyes trained on Bonnie, her eyes having turned red from the pressure she was using to clamp her mouth shut to muffle her screaming as she rocked to and fro, squeezing her eyes shut as her heart rattled in her chest.
"Stefan," Damon barked, "I need you to find Jeremy and –"
"I know where he is." Something in his brother's voice gave Damon pause.
"…What is it," Damon asked, "What happened."
"He just got out of his car and stepped in front of another on Wickery Bridge, Elena and I are on the way to the hospital right now with the ambulance." Damon swallowed. "You wouldn't know why he was stumbling around shouting something about you and Bonnie would you?" Damon sneered.
"He was drunk, I sent him home, end of story." Stefan was quiet. "…What else."
"Nothing."
"She blames me doesn't she?"
"Not you –"
"You're joking!" Damon barked, his eyes wide and angry, even as Bonnie slipped into an abrupt sleep, having exhausted herself completely – totally shutting down. He pressed his phone between his ear and his shoulder and picked her up, making his way upstairs to her bed. Her body was so hot against the temperature of his that for a moment he swore where their skin touched she'd scalded him.
"He wouldn't have done any of it if Bonnie had just spoken to him!" Elena shouted from the passenger seat of Stefan's car as they tailed the ambulance.
"Enough Elena," Stefan scolded, "Why did you call asking me to find him anyway?" He asked as Damon put Bonnie down and pulled away, stopped by her hand clasping his.
"Because he's going to die." Damon replied softly as his eyes trailed over Bonnie. Tremors shook her body even in her sleep, causing her to squeeze his hand repeatedly as wave after wave of shuddering swam through her.
"What?!" Elena half-screamed.
"Bonnie had a vi –"
"Tell Bonnie to bring him back, she did before!" Elena called out, her voice shrill and desperate as she clawed at Stefan for the phone. The only thing stopping Damon from breaking something was the small sleeping witch holding his other hand. He gnashed his teeth together to release some of his fury and heard the metal frame of the phone splinter slightly even as he did his best to remain composed. He couldn't afford a blind rampage right now; he had to think.
"Why didn't you try vampire blood?" Damon snarled in a low voice.
"Because of all the alcohol in his body he was bleeding out too quickly, coupled with all of his injuries and all the witnesses in the car that hit him –" Damon cursed inwardly as he looked down at Bonnie, her face overrun with drying tear-streaks and frowning. "And Elena wasn't helping –"
"Stefan!" Elena gasped and Damon growled, throwing his phone against the wall. He'd run out of time. Dropping to his knees he looked at Bonnie as she twitched and whimpered in her sleep. She would do it, that's why she was sure she'd die – because she would do it for him; she'd been right about it all along; dying for someone she loved again and Damon had been too hopeful to give it a second thought, so sure that no one would ask it of her anymore.
The next day
Damon had spent all night twirling a fresh syringe filled with his blood between his fingers as he watched Bonnie sleep – who knew why Rudy had kept so many syringes anyway? He'd been volleying between two things as she slept – surprisingly the deepest sleep she'd had since he'd moved in. He was stuck between injecting her with his blood without her knowing and having her resent him for all of eternity, or not even turn…or let her make her own decisions and respect them as much as they hurt him. Usually the choice would have been simple for Damon: figure out what you want and take it. But he couldn't do that with Bonnie, he couldn't do that to her; her opinion meant too much for him to disregard it just because he didn't like the choices she made. It unnerved him, the effect she'd had on him in such a short amount of time, and how, even through everything she'd experienced that she'd still let the world's crushing weight be placed on her shoulders and still put Elena and Jeremy first…costing her everything. Taking what they had to the grave, himself and her …because at some point during the night he realised that it wasn't loving Elena that'd hammer the final nail in the coffin for him, no; it would be losing Bonnie. She wouldn't only be killing herself; she'd be killing him too – in every way that mattered. Because who was he when he wasn't loving or saving a doppelganger? Who was he when he wasn't pushing Stefan to the brink? The closest thing he had to answer that question was in this moment here, as he hovered over Bonnie as she curled into his side – ignoring the umpteenth phone call and shouts from outside her window. The repulsion that pooled in his mouth at the thought of what they wanted from Bonnie had him beside himself with rage; but again, she kept him here, because in a matter of moments she'd wake up and need to see that he stayed.
As if on cue her eyelids fluttered and she drew in a long breath from her nose and it hitched, like she was choking on something. And then she did begin to choke and Damon threw the needle into her top draw, both his hands on either side of her face as he called to her. He didn't see the letter that had appeared out of thin air on top of the side table.
"Bonnie," the panic was clear as day, "Bonnie, I need you to wake up." Dribbles of water slipped out of the corners of her suddenly blue mouth as she continued to choke and Damon's eyes widened as he watched her entire mattress became soaked with brine. "Bonnie!" Her eyes flashed open and they were dulled, the green colour milked over, like she'd already died. "Bonnie!" Her eyes closed and she began coughing, gasping and when she opened her eyes all she saw was Damon's panicked face looming over hers, the vampire looking like he might cry. She frowned and coughed once more, to clear her throat, one of her hands reaching out to curl around Damon's wrist. The second she'd opened her eyes all the water had disappeared making it seem like nothing had even happened.
"Damon what is it –" but the answer to the question was what cut her off. "Oh my god…Jeremy…Where is he?"
"Bonnie, you almost drowned a few momen –" She pulled away from him and he was beginning to dislike it very much, clenching his jaw as she wriggled out from under him to get to her feet and stumbled groggily to her closet to put on some clothes.
"Where is he?" She asked again, spinning to face him as she pulled on a pair of ugg boots over her thick black tights.
"He's at the hospital." Last he'd heard anyway…Damon muttered begrudgingly and watched her face pale, impossibly more than it already was. She'd give him a run for his money soon.
"What happened? Last night I had a vision and…then I woke up to you looking at me like I'd –"
"Like you died?" Damon snapped, "Because for a second there I thought you did Bonnie," He stepped forward unable to reign in his anger anymore, "Bonnie I don't know what you saw in your vision but you got it wrong, you're not dying, I won't let you." He reeled back a little as something else occurred to him, "And would you care to explain why I almost just watched you drown in your own bed not a minute ago? Because that was not normal."
"My powers are probably acting up," She huffed as she stood to face the mirror and fix her hair, "Nothing new." He watched her face as she brushed through her hair and tugged on a hoodie, still not looking him in the eye.
"Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares if you live or not?" Damon asked, his voice soft, a poignant mixture of anger and sadness. Her green eyes met his blue ones then as she stilled her movements.
"That's not fair –" In a flash he had her turned to face him, his eyes wild, fuelled by a strange anger, an erratic recklessness that had nothing to do with Elena and everything to do with her.
"Of course it's not fair Bonnie," He hissed into her face, ignoring her frantic heart beat that sent pulses that seemed to echo into his own chest, "Not a single aspect of the situation you're currently in is fair, but that doesn't answer my question…between you, me and everyone else…why am I the only one who seems to care if you live or not? You keep saying that you don't want to die but what are you getting dressed to do right now?" He moved away a little and drew in a deep breath before opening his eyes and continuing, "Jeremy knew what he was doing when he stepped in front of the car –" She gasped and tears sprang into her eyes, "And I don't care what it seems like or what it sounds like coming from me; but Bonnie, you can't do this…I can't lose you, not over him, not again – there's no coming back from it this time…there's no other side, no purgatory, nothing –"
"There's heaven." Bonnie interjected softly and Damon clenched his jaw.
"I can't let you go to heaven," he said, "There's no way they'd let me in there, and I can't lose you – not this way and not yet…please don't do this…Bonnie," He didn't know what he must have looked like in that moment but he'd never felt more desperate in his life, "Bonnie… stay, please, for me…Stay." He searched her eyes for something, anything to give an inkling of what she was about to say but as she opened her mouth to speak –
"Bonnie!" Elena's voice cut through whatever moment passed between Damon and Bonnie in that split second before her eyes flitted to her window and then her face hardened, like he'd seen it do so many times…she'd made her choice and he'd have to live with it.
"Bonnie." Damon tried calling out to her even as she left her bedroom. He took a second to feel everything he was aching to feel and then pushed it all down and followed after her.
When they stepped outside into the back garden Damon flashed to her side and took in the sight before them. It was Stefan and Caroline looking grim as they stood behind a wild-eyed Elena who'd been pacing to and fro in greenery.
"Why didn't you just talk to him?" Elena asked, her voice louder than necessary. Bonnie swallowed once, then again and tried to form the right words. As she moved to speak Elena interrupted her, "Or was it because you were too busy 'talking'," she curled her fingers around the word with a snarl curling her upper lip, "To Damon?"
"I wasn't ready Elena, I'm still not ready but I'm here anyway so stop." Bonnie replied, trying to stay calm even as her heart was shattering to a thousand pieces and her head was swimming with a thousand things - all she could do was breathe through it all and hope that that was enough. Why did it no longer feel like it was enough? Everything was too much…Being with Damon had been enough…but now, like everything else it had turned out to be too much – too much for one heart…too much for one dying girl. And Bonnie knew from the look in Elena's eyes that Jeremy was dead, Jeremy was dead and Elena wanted her to die to fix it. All Bonnie wanted to do was lay down next to Damon for a while in the quiet…but it wasn't an option anymore.
"I'll stop when I have all the answers Bonnie." Elena growled.
"Enough Elena." Damon and Stefan said at the same time, their tone and cadence matching in their exasperation and disappointment. Bonnie drew in a slow breath and walked forward, Damon matching her step for step until they walked through the protective wards. Elena started forward but Damon held out his hand causing her to skid to a stop.
"Stop." Damon's voice was low and challenging and it irked Elena, simultaneously causing a spark of curiosity to flash through the vampire.
"I knew you grew to care about her while you were on the other side but I don't think any of us," She waved a hand between herself and Stefan and Caroline, "Would have expected this." She threw both hands out towards Damon and Bonnie to punctuate the last word.
"How is Jeremy?" Bonnie asked, innocently, as evenly as she could…she needed to hear someone say it. Elena's face darkened even more.
"He's dead Bonnie, that's why I'm here, you brought him back before, I know you can do it again." Bonnie nodded and tears fell as she dipped her head to process the news. One, two.
"Did you turn off your switch?" Damon accused and Elena barked a laugh.
"Not just yet, but I'm close, I just need Bonnie to do what she always does and fix this…she needs to fix this." Elena's voice was rising with every word and Damon would have retaliated if he wasn't taking stock of every movement passing over Bonnie's features. Bonnie drew in a breath and flicked her wrist, sending Damon and Caroline flying backwards, distracting Stefan.
"You didn't have to do all of this Elena," Bonnie said as she stepped towards the vampire, "I would have done anything for him, everyone knows that because I have before."
"Then do it!" Elena barked. "I need him back."
"What about me, huh?" Bonnie asked, her voice fraying off at the edges, "What about what I need?" Elena didn't even react. "…You don't care, do you? Not that I blame you, we're practically strangers now aren't we?" Bonnie's eyes flickered to Damon and back to Elena.
"You know you're the one who killed him right?" Elena said as if Bonnie hadn't spoken at all, "You've been killing him, since the other side collapsed, all he did was drink and cry and hate himself…then when you do come back you make it all worse by cutting him off anyway – he needed you Bonnie and you weren't there and then when he came to you, you send him away – and not even face to face, you sent Damon to do your dirty work for you!" Damon and Caroline were lifting themselves up off of the floor, Stefan's arm around the blonde's waist as Damon flashed upright. Elena's eyes bled into crimson and she flashed forward and shoved at Bonnie. "We needed you and you weren't there!" Damon caught Bonnie before she could connect with the ground and he held onto her long after her feet were balanced and she was upright. Caroline had pulled Elena back so aggressively that all the vampires heard a bone snap from the pressure.
"Do that again and I'll stake you myself." Caroline vowed. Bonnie's eyes were wide and wet as she clung unconsciously to Damon's arm around her waist while she held Elena's furious gaze and tear-filled eyes. Keep breathing, keep breathing, you're fine, he's fine, you're awake, this is real…Just keep breathing…
"You've taken Damon from me," Elena went on, "The least you could do is give me my brother back." Bonnie felt what was left of her soul shatter to powdery pieces, lost forever.
That was it. Nothing left.
No more Bonnie, no more time, no more; nothing left in her or outside of her – no reason to live. Damon felt the witch in his arms deflate and something in him snapped.
"I won't let her!" Damon snarled, "I don't care what I have to do, but Bonnie isn't dying today…And I won't stand here and let you blame her for anything. If you want someone to blame then look at me," Bonnie frowned up at him but his eyes stayed trained on Elena, whom he barely recognised, "I did this!" Damon shouted, "I did this to both of you! How do you think that makes me feel, knowing I had a hand in the things that broke the both of you? Knowing that I'm a part of the reason that you became this hideous person, that she became this…this shell of who she was? It's killing me! It kills me. Every day… and if she's right…if this is how it ends, then it ends for me too – in every way that matters…"
Thoughts?
