Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
(Because You Live –Jesse McCartney)
Chapter Five: My Heart is Refusing Me
Love. I didn't really figure it out until I was a teenager, that the butterflies I was feeling weren't just because I had a weak stomach, no, it was because I genuinely loved the person in front of me. The one I called my best friend. The one who would hold me and grin at me, telling me that everything would be chill, even if he was the one that got hurt. He made me feel good. Everything felt right when I was with him because he made everyone around him happy. Sometimes, I wish I could blend into the earth and never see him, because I know he doesn't see me in the same way I see him. Right? I'm sure he doesn't.
We're going to the movies today and I wish he knew how much it tortures me to know that we always have to share the same drink, the same soda, the same box of candy, half the time the same seat since we always get there late. He just always has to put two straws in his large drink and brush his hands against mine when he reaches for popcorn and manage to squish himself in the same seat as me, but of course he doesn't care about it. We're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. We've known each other since we were six; I've dated his cousin and loved every moment of it…until I realized that she wasn't the same as him…he's just some kind of perfect and well, God damn it, I'm confused…
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Fantome put down his pen, shutting the black notebook with the white writing on the front his mother had gotten him on his last birthday and sighed, running a hand through his messy brown hair –careful not to brush his hand against the stray curl of hair that hung, in the same fashion as his father's, lest he want to have to run to the bathroom and fix a little problem he would soon have. He pulled on a pair of dark washed, boot cut, jeans and a dark grey sweater as he yawned and stretched himself out. From downstairs he could smell the familiar scents of maple syrup and pancakes; they'd always been his father's favorites. Fantome looked at himself in the mirror his mother had put in his room, staring at himself up and down. He brushed his hair carefully and smoothed out his shirt, sighing as he looked at himself one last time. He never liked the way he looked, something was always off. He pulled his hair back, as his mother often did, and after deeming himself presentable, made his way downstairs. His mother was sitting on the counter, watching his father as he flipped pancakes, kicking his legs back and forth impatiently and conversing with the other casually. Fantome leaned against the doorway and watched the two, not wishing to interrupt them and ruin the moment; he loved it when his parents bonded and wished he could have a relationship with someone like the one they had.
After eating what felt like a million pancakes, as his mother had continued to load his plate telling him he needed to eat, he pushed his chair away from the table before Toris had the chance to put more on his plate. Fantome put his plate in the sink and smiled at his parents,
"I'll see you later today; Feil said he'd go with me to the carnival." Fantome turned around, waved to his parents and pulled on his baby seal leather boots, the ones his little Scandinavian friend said were unethical. The boots he loved with all his heart, the ones his Uncle Francis had gotten for him, they were comfortable and stylish and went with every outfit he owned. Before he left the house, he checked his phone one last time, the time was ten in the morning and there was a message, it told him that his friend was already waiting for him.
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Fantome looked around the carnival and, unable to find his friend and not looking where he was going, unexpectedly bump into someone. He fell down on his behind with a thud, blushing lightly as he looked up to see who he had bumped into, only to find a man, who looked a few years his elder, with a bandage across the bridge of his nose and messy brown hair, green eyes twinkling in the sunlight. He flashed a bright smile down at Fantome, looking into his eyes. Fantome couldn't help but notice that the man had two stray pieces of hair that stuck up from the rest of his hair and thought they were adorable. The other had on a green and yellow shirt which reminded Fantome of the jerseys Australia had worn at the last World Cup, and a pair of khaki shorts. Fantome started to feel hot, whether it was from his sweater and baby seal leather boots or the man's gaze, he didn't know. The Canadian tried his best to avert his eyes away from the other man, hoping that it would help his face turn less…red.
"Mate, you okay?" Fantome could feel his cheeks burn red as he heard the other talk, loving the sound of the other's Australian accent,
"O-oui, I'm okay. S-sorry for bumping into y-you." The other laughed, holding his sun kissed hand out for Fantome to pull himself out with,
"No problem, mate. It was nothing. I wasn't looking. As repayment, I'll take you on a few rides. How about that?" Fantome looked at the man, eyes wide,
"But we don't even know each other!" The other simply laughed again, holding his hand out once more,
"Well, I'm Jack. Jack Kirkland. Pleased to make your acquaintance, bro." Fantome took a hold of the man's hand, shaking it lightly and nodding,
"I'm Fantome. Fantome Laurenaitis-Williams. I-it's nice to meet you." Fantome played with the hem of his sweater, avoiding eye contact so as not to show much of his red face.
"Now can I take you on a ride or two? We know each other now," he said with a laugh, grinning at the younger. Fantome puffed out a cheek, weighing his options before nodding reluctantly. It would be good for him; Jack would help keep his mind off of his long time crush, right? He liked Jack. He was a nice man. They would go out and have fun, he'd shoot Feil a text saying he was busy and hope he wasn't seen, everything would be good. He was sure Feil had only told him that he was coming and instead got into some kind of jam at home, this was what happened almost every time they planned anything together, but this time Fantome had gotten lucky and met another nice man. Today would be grand.
"Oui, we can go on a few rides. What do you want to go on? I don't like the big rides; I like little things like the merry go round and Ferris wheel. Roller coasters scare the living daylights out of me, they're too scary and the last time I went on one someone puked all over me…and I really don't want this sweater to get dirty." Jack laughed once again, he found the little Canadian amusing. He didn't understand why he was wearing at sweater at this time of the year either, he thought it was silly. While Jack wasn't particularly fond of the rides the younger had said he enjoyed, he thought he'd bear with it because he had made him fall. The Australian took the boy to the line of the merry go round; he believed the Ferris wheel was the only acceptable end to a day when it came to rides. He refused to go on it before it had gotten darker, it wasn't as exciting when it was light out…maybe he'd convince the Canadian to go with him on a few roller coasters to kill time. He was sure he could manage that. He was convincing enough. People said he had great charisma.
Jack liked the way the other's dark brown hair was tied back, leaving only his bangs to blow in the light breeze that enveloped both of them. He liked the way his sweater fit his small body, hugging his more feminine frame.
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I met a man named Jack today. He was incredible…and quite dashing. We exchanged numbers in hopes of hanging out again later because we both agreed that it'd be a lot of fun to see each other again. He told me he was from Perth, which sounds so intriguing! Australia is so different from Canada! I can't wait to see him again; it'll be so much fun. His cheery outlook is contagious; I can't help but smile when I'm with him because he's always so happy.
Jack and I went on the Ferris wheel and the merry go round and he convinced me to go with him on a roller coaster, I almost died. I felt like I was going to vomit all over everything, but I didn't. Which was good. Vomiting would be embarrassing, especially with Jack there watching.
It turned out Feil had gotten into trouble at home, his dad had dragged him back inside saying that because his mother had come to visit he had to stay at home. He sent me what felt like a million texts explaining what had happened and called me to whine. He certainly was an adorable person…but secretly, I think I like Jack's manliness more than Feil's adorableness. Isn't that crazy? To think I'd finally moved on, it only took me a couple years.
Not long after I got home, I saw that Jack had actually sent me a message asking if I wanted to go see a movie with him or do something like that. There isn't really a movie I wanted to see…but I told him that we should go swimming since I'm sure he'd be a sexy beast in a swimsuit. Like, seriously. He would be. So that's what we're doing on Friday…we're going to the waterpark and going to go on all the slides.
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The two men met at the entrance to the waterpark, both holding towels and already wearing their swim trunks. They had both arrived half an hour early in order to get in the front of the line, Fantome had done so on accident but he didn't know if Jack had planned on coming early or not. Fantome smiled inwardly when he saw that Jack's trunks were patterned in the fashion of the Australian flag. That was cute. Fantome's own trunks were purely black; he didn't want to draw too much attention to himself. He had liberally applied sunscreen to his skin, he knew he burnt easily and every time he spent too long in the sun he would come home and watch as his skin all peeled off. While he knew he was only delaying the inevitable burn, he wanted to go through as much of the day as possible without a burn.
After setting their towels down, Fantome had directed Jack to his favorite slide. The big white slide that required inner tubes to ride. He loved it. They called it the lazy river slide because in order to get to the slide, one had to go through what felt like a gauntlet of slow waters and little waterfalls with their tube before finding the desired slide. Fantome loved pushing his way through the water all the way to the slide. It was incredibly entertaining to him also to watch Jack flail as his tube floated back and forth in the middle. Fantome laughed at the other, as his own tube went down one of the small waterfalls and went down to the next level. Once the both of them had made their way down with their tubes intact, they looked at the lifeguard expectantly, before she asked each one,
"Forward or backward?" While Fantome had chosen to go forward, since he didn't want to have all the fun too early in the morning, Jack had decided to go backwards and they both met at the bottom. Fantome groaned, watching as his hair fell out of the ponytail he had. After fruitlessly trying to keep his hair back, Fantome settled to just letting his messy brown hair frame his face for the rest of the day, resisting the urge to run his fingers through it every few minutes to detangle it. It was times like this that he envied people like Jack who had short hair, which he could just slick back and call good.
After the white slide, Jack had decided to take charge and led Fantome to the tallest slide at the park. The 70 foot drop slide, the one that always gave him a slight wedgie but was always worth it. Fantome squirmed a bit at the top of the slide; looking down nervously and watching the Australian drop down excitedly. Fantome followed shortly after, trying to push away all is fears as he slid down, only to have a panic attack near the middle of the slide and begin to flail his way down. His eyes grew wide as saucers as he came to a stop at the end and he stood up on wobbly legs, holding onto the Australian for support. The Aussie laughed, patting his Canadian friend on the head as he helped him back to the more gentle slides. Fantome pouted the entire way back, telling the other that he never wanted to go on a slide like that ever again. Jack only laughed, sitting the boy down on a bench and telling him to wait there as he went on the smaller of the drop slides.
"I'll be right back, mate! You catch your breath and I'll go on the small slide, kay?" Fantome looked at him, his dark green eyes widening as they met with the other's sparkling green orbs.
"Promise?" Jack laughed, ruffling the other's hair and nodding,
"Promise!"
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Do I like Jack? More than I liked Feil? Do I? I don't know. My heart always deceives me. It gives me weird signs and I never know how to interpret them. Does he like me back? I don't know! I never will unless I tell him, will I? But if I tell him I like him, will he still like me? Or will he run away and never return? I don't want that, I want to spend time with him again. I'm so confused! Heart, why do you make life so difficult for me all the time? Why? I just want to spend time with Jack and not have all these complicated feelings getting in my way!
We may have just met but he wants to do more…maybe that means he likes me more than as friends? I sure hope it means that, because I really like him. More than as friends. I want to have cuddles with him. That's all I look for in a relationship, I'm only really in it for the cuddles. Cuddling is a great action. It's warm and nice. I don't care about kisses or intimate touches at the moment, all I want is cuddles. Is that so much to ask for? Heart, why must you be so complicated when all I want is cuddles? I hate you sometimes.
I'm so sorry.
I haven't updated in forever. So much has happened lately. Finishing my Extended Essay, reading Gatsby, researching for my Internal Assessment, panicking because Mr. O lost my draft of my EE, visiting in state colleges, being flipped off by angry Washington drivers…too much has happened. Too much. It overwhelmed my face off and it made it incredibly difficult to update. Next week will also be difficult because my mom's college friend + college friend's significant other are visiting and we're doing all sorts of things next week, like visiting National Parks and going on boats. Ah! Too much! WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!
And if you hadn't noticed, but I'm sure you did because you're all smart cookies, the italics is diary entries. (: That's why it's in italics and in first person. Just thought I'd clear that up if it wasn't incredibly clear.
Waterpark part was inspired off of the local waterpark we have near my hometown and the entire trip was pretty much fashioned from my trip last Tuesday. My parents told me it would take half an hour to get there…it did not. It took me fifteen minutes, so I had to wait in line for half an hour before they opened because of that. It was hot and I did not want to wait. Waiting is not a fun time. All the stuff that happened to Fantome and Aussie happened to my friends and I. We had an interesting time. A hornet pretty much raped our sandwich, I scraped my knee in the kiddy pool, and Pokémon was talked about all day long.
Also, I was wondering if someone would Beta for me. If you're interested, I'd appreciate PMs. (: I always make silly little mistakes and my perfectionism makes me want to fix and reupload chapters and do silly things like that. It's not a good feeling. So…having a Beta would alleviate some of these problems. I also want someone to read the chapters before I upload them to make sure there's enough buff and not too much fluff. I need content! I'm writing a RoChu story next, so if someone wanted to Beta for that instead of for this story, that would be chill, too :p
Oh, and before I forget, the next chapter will be a Canada POV chapter, as in another letter to a brother type thing. In case you're curious about that. He needs some more love, I've been forgetting about him lately and that's not a good thing. Matthew is wonderful, I like his little maple coated ass. I also love that my Word recognizes ass as a word. It's so nice.
I'm also looking for songs that are Fantome-like for later chapters…I think he's going to express his inner angst through song…via karaoke. Because we all like karaoke. But I'm not entirely sure if this idea will come into fruition, regardless you all should give suggestions in the comments! :D So far, I have the song My Heart is Refusing Me by Loreen as his, like, theme song.
Inaccuracies in translations? Please, feel free to tell me, because I don't know anything. I'm a hopeless American living in White Ass Montana using Google Translate and hoping I choose the right words…which I hope my Asian intuition doesn't fail me, it's usually pretty good at picking words.
Questions? Leave me a comment and I'll answer for you! Subscribe or favorite if you enjoyed? I'd appreciate it. c:
Lots of love and besos,
~Master Boss~
