Ianto Wakes - Chapter 7
by Gracefultree
A/N:I've written a pair of post-diary Ianto's reactions chapters, so with the epilogue, there will be 11 chapters total. I hope you continue to enjoy!
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"I didn't think I was being as horrid to you as you seemed," Jack said, sitting down next to me on the floor. "I mean, you seemed more miserable than I thought you would be, given what I was doing." His voice was rough. He'd been yelling for a long time. We were alone; Tosh had scampered away as soon as she realized that she wasn't in trouble, and Owen and Suzie had just left with their tails between their legs. Figuratively, of course, though at a place like this, it wouldn't surprise me to have a colleague with a tail. "I thought they were just ordering you around a lot or ignoring you, like I was." He ran his fingers through his hair but didn't move to touch me. "God, why couldn't you have just gotten a different job?"
The frustration in his voice seemed twofold. Sexual and emotional. He wanted to be my lover, and he wanted to be nice to me. He didn't like how he was treating me, but was hurting enough that he didn't think about how he was treating me most of the time. I understand that kind of hurt, and it wounded me to know that I caused it, even as I planned to cause more.
"Are you really falling in love with me?" I asked in a whisper. After all of the emotions of the afternoon, I needed the quiet, and I hoped he did, too. I thought he might. I wasn't sure if I could read him anymore, if I ever could.
"You heard that?" If anything, he sounded abashed or ashamed or embarrassed. I couldn't tell which.
"All of Cardiff heard that."
He grunted, staring at his shoes. He reached down and brushed off some dried mud. "It's not how I would have wanted to tell you," he said with a sigh. He was embarrassed, then. Understandable. "It's not when I would have told you, either. It's too soon for us to be talking about this. You just lost someone, not even a month ago. I don't want to replace her, or even try. It's not respectful of any of us. I couldn't replace her, anyway. We're different people. Besides, it's one thing to have sex before you've had time to mourn her, it's another to think about another relationship. I don't know if I've made it clear that a relationship with you is what I want. It is." He paused, looked at my face for a moment, then looked away. "But it's too soon after your loss. I know that, and it's selfish to want more than sex, but I'm a selfish man."
"You talk like a man who knows a lot about heartbreak and losing people." My fear (hope) that he wanted a relationship with me confirmed, I needed to deflect him, distract him. I couldn't claim to want that and then do what I had to do, no matter how much I might actually want it, no matter how much my bruised soul yearned for his love and companionship. He might call himself selfish, but I can be just as selfish as him. I could just control myself a little more.
He shrugged, not giving much away. "Maybe I do."
"I was with her for almost two years. We met very soon into my job at the Tower."
"I know. I read your file." He stopped brushing at dirt on his shoe and started fiddling with a stray thread on the hem of his pants leg. He still didn't want to look at me. I felt the urge to kiss him, to make him feel better. I suppressed it. I also suppressed the urge to get out a needle and thread to fix his hem. Tad might not have been the master tailor that I claim he was, but I know enough to be a journeyman, at least, if I wanted to do that work. Too bad I didn't. Jack would be much better dressed if I were designing and making his clothes for him.
"I was going to propose to her." I hadn't planned on saying that, but then again, I hadn't planned on developing feelings for him, either.
He nodded. "I wondered."
"I never got around to buying the ring." Guilt stabbed me because I had bought the ring, and was lying to him again, for no reason, but he didn't need to know that. The ring was sitting in a box in my nightstand at my London flat. Lisa never knew about it. I'd been too scared of rejection to ask her before the Battle. I didn't exactly have a good track record with relationships. And now, sitting on the floor of the Archives with this wonderful, sexy, outstandingly kind and generous man, I knew he would say yes if I offered myself to him. And a large part of me wanted that more than I'd ever wanted Lisa. But I was committed to her first, and much as I might be falling in love with him, I'm a man of my word.
Lisa says that I always keep my promises, and I'd promised her I'd take care of her and help her. Any potential promises to Jack would be secondary to that, much as it hurt to lie to him.
"I'm sorry for your loss," he whispered. And he was. I could feel the pain he felt for my loss, the loss that wasn't as straightforward as he thought, that wasn't quite a loss, but would break me either way. Yes, it reminded him of his own losses, but he was there for me in that moment. As much of a bastard as he could be, underneath it was the kind, lonely man I was falling for. He just needed someone to love and accept him to bring it out. If only I could be that someone. If only...
"Me, too."
We had sex after this little heart-to-heart. It was glorious! After a week and a half apart, we were both extremely enthusiastic. Afterwards, while he slept in his tiny camp bed in the hole in the floor under his office, I took care of what I'd come here to do. The first part, anyway. Now it was a waiting game until I could smuggle in an expert. I never felt like I was using him more than right then, using the time he was sleeping after sex to carry out my deception. Jack was still sleeping when I crawled back into bed. I was restless and had a nightmare about the Battle. I think it was about the Battle... It might have been about the lies and deceptions I kept up. He woke up and held me while I calmed down from it. He kissed me and caressed me and helped me forget about the fire and blood and death. If only I could forget about the waking nightmare my life had become. If only I could forget Lisa.
I never wanted to love a man more than I did Jack in that moment – so I did.
