AN: So this really isn't a new chapter but let me explain what happened. Before I started writing this chapter I had a scene written and I loved it. But my laptop has since died (R.I.P) and I lost the scene. When I went and wrote this chapter without it the ending changed. But I found the original scene written in the notebook I write my fanfiction in and I realized that it had to be added to the chapter. So for the most part this chapter has not changed. The scene that has changed is the scene between Rachel and Puck in Puck's living room. I needed the change to happen otherwise I was stuck for the rest of the story. So please forgive me! But now that I'm unstuck (for the most part) I am at work on Chapter 8.
Okay enjoy the revised chapter (or if this is the first time reading, enjoy it all together)!
It was the last day of her sophomore year and Rachel was actually looking forward to her summer. Her and Finn had been dating for a couple of months now and though she had moments where she wondered what she'd gotten herself into, she really enjoyed her relationship with Finn. Like right now, while she was pulling the last of her things out of her locker before inspection, she was rambling (and she knew it) on and on about the summer music program that she was still waiting on a response from but she was almost certain that she would be getting in. She continued on about how that would affect the time the two planned to spend together but only during the week and he would certainly want that time to be spent with his friends. And as she continued to speak in a speed that she learned to control in order for Finn to understand her, she realized that Finn was just staring. Not at anything specifically, not really at her, but he was just looking. And Rachel was almost certain that he probably wasn't listening to most of what she was saying. Rachel has noticed this has been happening for a while now and although she really would prefer the attention, she thinks that maybe this is all right. Because they aren't really having an important conversation that requires his attention, yet he's still just letting her talk. And she realizes that he does that a lot. She'll be talking and occasionally Finn will throw in a totally or a yeah but most of the time Rachel's pretty sure that is mind is elsewhere. Of course, she hated that every time she reminded herself that Finn barely paid attention, she also reminded herself of another boy. A boy who, if he had something to say about the topic, would say it. It didn't matter if they were talking about Wicked and the only thing he had to say was that he liked that the total stud didn't end up with the crazy blonde chick even if she went on to be loved by everyone. Or when they were deciding where to go for dinner if she suggested Chinese, which she usually did, and he felt more like pizza he'd tell her that they were getting pizza. Finn on the other hand never seemed to argue when Rachel suggested Chinese and now she'd eaten it so much in the last two weeks that she's pretty sure she's done with Chinese food for a very long time. And that was another thing, Finn didn't argue. Rachel got her way on pretty much everything. And while Rachel was very happy to have things her way, she would have liked if Finn had given more of a fight. So if Rachel wanted to watch Wicked for the third time that month, Finn should step in and say that he would like to watch, something more manly, something with blood and sex and gore that Rachel would probably detest but she knew that if she was going to make Finn watch a musical, he should at least try to get her to watch something else. She was even prepared to let him win a few times, but there was nothing, no fight, no how about we not, no I don't want to, just Finn putting in the DVD and taking his place next to her on the couch in her living room.
She'd met his mother once and only once because for some reason Finn seemed to have this fear of Rachel being at his house. She wasn't sure if that was truly the case but she realized soon that everything they did was at her house, on her couch, in her bed. Like everything else that she and Finn didn't do, Rachel wondered only for short moments if it had something or even everything to do with his previous girlfriends. Quinn was, well Quinn. She lived in his house, she did who knows what else in there and they'd already had the discussion that yes Finn and Santana did the nasty, and she and Finn had both agreed that waiting until their relationship was more matured was the best plan for the both of them, but still while Rachel assumed the sheets on his bed were clean, it was still the same bed Finn had been intimate with another girl in. But glancing at Finn once more before she shut her locker, finally rid of everything she needed to do to finish the school year, Rachel noticed something behind her boyfriend. Someone really. She noticed the boy who she hadn't spoken two in months, the boy that was once her best friend, and the boy who she thought about every single day.
Puck stood in the hallway of McKinley waiting for Matt. He got extremely impatient however when he looked over and saw Finn and Rachel at Rachel's locker. It would be just like Matt to unintentionally put him in an awkward situation. He hadn't talked to Rachel in just over two months, the length of time she had been dating Finn, and just seeing her made him want to run in the other direction. But he had told Matt that he was going to meet him in this exact spot and Matt's parents had taken away his phone so there was no way to get a hold of the boy.
Puck shuffled back and forth, making sure that his eyes avoided the scene playing out around him, mentally willing Matt to hurry from wherever the hell he was. He wanted to get out of that school and leave every bit of his sophomore year behind him. As Rachel and Finn walked past him, neither paying any mind to him Puck cursed the last nine months of his life, the last year really. The train wreck started the moment he slept with Quinn. Thinking back, Puck wasn't sure what it was about her that made him want her, what made her different from all the other Cheerios who had thrown themselves at him? He didn't know what made him call her and go to her house while her parents were at some social event. And he could say that he hated that day, and he could say that he regretted it and would continue to regret it until the day he died, and while he would, he couldn't deny the fact that that night he and Quinn created their daughter. The one he was going to love until the day he died even though she was never going to know him, thanks to Quinn.
He could say that he hated Quinn. But he loved her just the same. He hated her for taking his daughter away from him, but he loved her for being her mother. He loved her for carrying her for nine months, for giving birth to her. Of course, his love for her was nothing more than a man has for the mother of his child. But he dealt with his feelings for Quinn every day. He wished that he had someone to talk about those feelings with, like Rachel had been for all that time. But now his only friends were Matt and Mike and he and Rachel weren't talking. Although that thought hurt Puck a little, he knew that all of it was entirely his fault. He pushed her away after his daughter was born, he didn't return the numerous phone calls, and he didn't approach her in the halls on the days he knew Finn was out sick. Rachel had tried to be the friend that she had been but Puck was the one who closed himself off. And there were numerous reasons. There were his previously mentioned feelings about Quinn and his daughter but then there was the obvious that couldn't be denied any longer. Rachel had been in love with Finn since before Puck had even gotten to know her. Before he even joined glee, Rachel Berry had her sights set on Finn Hudson, he knew that. And that wasn't a problem until some part of him, one that he couldn't understand, had a problem with it. There was part of him that found that the idea of walking with Rachel hand in hand down the middle of the crowded hallway wasn't entirely horrid. There was a time when watching her sing would make him feel like he was hearing the most beautiful voice in the world. Now watching her sing gave him those feelings, and the urge to walk right up to her and kiss her. And watching her kiss Finn at the party all those months ago made him feel some unknown feeling that he was still trying to avoid calling jealousy. So maybe he had developed some kind of non-friendship feelings for Rachel in the last couple of weeks before their friendship had ended, maybe months even. But Puck knew where he stood with Rachel. And while he may have had these feelings, and liked that Rachel made him feel good about himself by telling him all the ways in which he was great (at least the ways that didn't require knowledge of his sexual prowess) but the bottom line was that Rachel was into Finn, and the whole time that Puck was hanging out with Rachel, he was just acting as a fill in until her beloved knight came to get her on his horse.
The one time Finn asked her to do something for him is when he asked her to go with him to a party that one of the football players was throwing. Finn knew how much Rachel hated parties and she had turned down his invitation several times during the school year. She hadn't been to one since the night she and Finn kissed, and pretty much vowed to never attend another party for the consequences for her drinking were far too high. But this was the first big bash of the summer and Finn had asked her to go. She would have declined once again if she hadn't heard a twinge of desperation in his voice. Like there was something on the line and if she didn't go, Finn was going to lose. Add all of that to the fact that Finn never really asked her to do anything for him, Rachel agreed.
Andrew Linder's house was crowded with people, loud with music, and Rachel was certain she could smell a certain illegal substance radiating from somewhere inside the house. When Finn asked her if she wanted a drink, she declined and waited by the staircase as Finn went to get something for himself. Looking around Rachel realized this was the main reason she hated parties. She knew no one. At the last party, it was gleeks and the one before, as disastrous the experience was, she at least had Mercedes for a little bit and eventually she had Puck. She wondered if Puck was here. But inside somewhere, she knew he was. This was a party thrown by a football player, and Puck was, well, Puck and would always show up at a party. When Finn returned with his drink and a bottle of water for her, Rachel thanked him before she followed him into a crowded room full of boys and a few girls who Rachel assumed were girlfriends of said boys, who were playing some kind of video game. Taking a seat next to Finn, Rachel wasn't sure why there were video games being played at a party but pushed the thought away after accepting that it was probably just another high school tradition that she was unaware of. Rachel watched as the boys, including Finn got loud and excited at the game in front of them, their girlfriends rolling their eyes, some even walked out of the room.
After what felt like an eternity, Rachel excused herself to use the washroom. If she had known anyone else at the party she would have gone off a long time ago, but even months of dating Finn hadn't raised her popularity much. She was still virtually a stranger in this world that she found herself in. Maneuvering her way through the crowds of people who were dancing in the living room, she found the staircase and climbed it, thankful that it was a little quieter on the upper levels of the house. If Rachel hadn't looked up to ponder her surroundings she wouldn't have seen him but down the hall stood Puck, staring right at her. She didn't move for a moment and it was like one of those scenes you see in movies where time kind of just stands still and everything moves really slowly. Rachel contemplated saying something to Puck. She had months of harbored anger and other emotions bottled up inside. She wanted answers; she wanted to know why he kicked her out of his life. But as time seemed to catch up with her Puck was charging past her and the opportunity was gone. Sure, she could chase him down and demand that he speak with her, but really what could he say that would fix the months that he ignored her? She wasn't sure there was anything. Forgetting her initial reason for being away from Finn, she walked back downstairs, her eyes darting all around for a glimpse of Puck but she knew she wouldn't find him. She knew that just like that day, the day they became friends that Puck had already run out of the house, probably to the lake, hopefully with a designated driver. When she approached Finn, she struggled to keep her usual bright demeanor visible to everyone.
"Are you alright?" Finn asked and Rachel briefly relished in the fact that he was observant enough to see through her attempt to at least look normal.
"I'm not exactly feeling well. I'd like for you to take me home."
"Uh," Finn said looking around as if to tell her that he didn't want to leave the party, "Sure."
"There's plenty of time left you can come back afterward." Rachel added as the permission that Finn seemed to be seeking.
Finn nodded and ushered them outside to his car. The car ride home was quiet. Rachel didn't feel like talking at all and she could tell that Finn was getting nervous because of it. Truth be told she needed a little bit of something, some sound to block out the repetition of Puck walking away from her that played over and over in her head. Each time she saw it she tried to find something that she could have done to make him stay. She tried to find something that let her know that he was okay. Something that let her know he still cared. But every time she just saw the pain that was etched on his face. She remembered the way his jaw clenched as he tried to control his anger. But maybe she wanted him to be angry with her that way she would know what she'd done wrong. And then maybe, just maybe she could move on with her life instead of spending every night thinking about the day in the hospital, how he threw their friendship away and walked away from her. Rachel didn't want to talk because all she wanted to do was cry. Because deep inside of her she knew that Puck walking away from her tonight, broke her heart. There was no way she could explain this to Finn or anyone really. She had no one.
When Finn pulled into her driveway Rachel kissed him on the cheek, told him to go back to the party and that she would call him the next day before heading into her house. Thankful that her Dads were sound asleep in their bedroom Rachel quickly got into her pajamas and got into bed. Once the lights were turned off Rachel looked up at the ceiling for a moment before she turned onto her side and cuddled with her blankets. She thought back to that day in the hospital, and that very night in some football players house and it all became too much. A single tear fell from her eye before the flood gates opened moments later and Rachel's body shook as it ached. She cried because she lost a friend, a best friend. She cried because she lost someone who had in a short period of time had become one of the most important fixtures in her life. When Rachel's Dad asked the first time where Puck had disappeared to Rachel lied for him. But Rachel knew that her parents were suspecting something was up when one night before going to sleep, her Dad walked into her room and sat down beside her on her bed. "He'll come back" was all he said and as Rachel watched her father walk out of the room, she wondered if he was right. But now in the darkness of her room, with the tear soaked pillow, Rachel Berry cried herself to sleep because her Dad was all wrong. There was no way that Puck was coming back to her.
When Rachel woke up the next morning, her head was pounding from the crying the night before. But her attitude had suddenly changed. From the moment her eyes opened and she saw the bright sun outside, Rachel Berry was a very motivated young woman. Getting up she immediately did her morning exercise routine, had her shake, showered, was dressed, made sure her hair was perfectly curled just the way she wanted it to before walking down the stairs to her Dads at the dining room table working.
"I'll be back in a little bit."
"Isn't it a little early to be going out with Finn honey?"
"I'm not going out with Finn. Don't worry; I'll be back before lunch."
"All right Sweetie" was the last thing Rachel heard before she bolted out the door and to her car.
Pulling out the driveway with an intensity she knew one should not possess while operating a vehicle, Rachel made her way to down the streets of Lima. When she reached her destination Rachel pulled into the driveway, got out of her car, marched up to the door and rang the doorbell several times. When there was no answer after a few moments, she rang the doorbell repetitively again.
It was only a moment more when she could hear the sound of someone coming down the stairs and she knew that she would finally be greeted. When the door opened in front of her, she wasn't entirely shocked to see Puck, half asleep, wearing nothing more than a pair of sweat pants.
"Go away," Puck said closing the door only to have Rachel use all of her strength to stop the door from closing as Puck pushed on it.
"No. Noah, we need to talk."
"There isn't anything to say Rachel."
"You might not have anything to say, but I do. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd listen to me."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because," Puck said, "Just because."
"That's not a good enough answer Noah."
"Well that's the only answer you're going to get."
"Is that what you want Noah? To just push me away for a reason I'm completely unsure of. Do you want me to yell on your front porch Noah? Do you want me to make a scene so that the next time one of the neighbors talk to your mother they're going to tell you how crazy Rachel Berry was screaming on your doorstep because you wouldn't let her in? Do you really want to deal with your mother instead of me?"
"CHRIST!" Puck shouted moving to the side to give Rachel room to come in, "Get in here before I feel the need to duct tape your mouth shut."
Rachel smiled for only a moment and entered the Puckerman home.
"Rachel whatever you're selling, I'm not buying."
"I'm not selling anything Noah. I'm trying to explain to you how I feel."
"How you feel? Rachel I don't care."
"You did once."
"Maybe."
"No Noah. I know you did. Right now isn't the time for your badass façade. I see right through it Noah."
"Jeez! I'm obviously not going to be able to get rid of you so just say your piece so you can leave."
Rachel took a deep breath and Puck watched Rachel got that look on her face that she only got before long-winded talks or right before performances.
"You hurt me Noah. I get that you were and probably still are hurting too, but you hurt me. We were friends, you agreed to it yourself but you walked away from me in the hospital, you didn't returned any of my numerous calls, texts and emails, you walked away from me last night and you hurt me every single time. I'm not going to judge you for why you did it Noah, and I'm not expecting some long thought out speech because I know you won't give me one. But the only thing you have to do to make things right between us Noah is tell me the truth. Just tell me why you pushed me away and why you haven't spoken to me in months."
Puck looked at the girl in front of him. The girl that for all these months he'd longed to hold, and talk to, and just be around. He debated with himself what the right thing to do was. He could tell her the truth, the whole truth, or he could send her away with a fake story or even no story at all. Either way, he knew that Finn wasn't going to let her hang around him, not like they used to so he was going to lose. So Puck stood silent in front of Rachel contemplating the two evils in front of him. The look Puck saw in Rachel's eyes was hope, and he wondered why she even bothered after all the time that had passed.
"Why now Rachel?" he asked verbalizing his thoughts.
"I've wondered every day since that day in the hospital. Even if for whatever reason you hate me, I can't keep running into you and being hurt when you run away."
"I don't hate you."
"You've done a really great job of making me think differently."
"What do you want me to say Rach?"
Rachel's heart tightened a bit at her nickname, "The truth; However ugly or dirty or complicated. I want to hear the truth from you."
Puck took a deep breath, "The truth could destroy everything."
"I still want to hear it."
Puck paused for a moment, knowing Rachel was telling the truth, "Fine you want the truth here it is. I pushed you away at the hospital because I couldn't deal with you. And I promise that sounds a lot worse than it was. I needed you there, God did I hope that you could have been there. We talked all the time about all the things that we did that made us friends and you were right that day when you said that it wasn't the time to push you away, but there wasn't going to be a better time. I lost my daughter and I was about to lose my best friend."
"I wasn't going anywhere."
"Not at that moment you didn't think you were, but you would have. Finn wouldn't want you anywhere near me and can you blame him? I had already taken one girlfriend from him and knocked her up to boot."
"I don't let Finn make those decisions in my life Noah."
"You would have given up your relationship with Finn, the one you've wanted since forever just to be friends with me?"
"I wouldn't have to. I would have explained to Finn," Rachel started, "He would have accepted it."
"No, he wouldn't. You really think your picture of Finn is perfect don't you?"
"None of that is worthy of the title of destruction Noah," Rachel said avoiding the question.
"The night before Quinn gave birth, we were at the party, and I went to find you but I found you in Brittany's brother's bedroom with Finn on the bed. And I saw you and I felt like the entire friendship we'd created was disappearing."
"You're upset because I made out with Finn?" Rachel asked and when Puck doesn't respond she continues, "You were supposed to stop me from doing anything embarrassing."
She's laughing, but Puck's face remains emotionless, "I would have thought that would bre what you wanted."
"Not in an inebriated state."
"So if Finn would have come to you sober it would have been different?" Puck asked, his voice covered in anger. It's Rachel's turn to be silent, "Answer me Rachel."
"I don't know…I don't."
"But I need you to know. You need to know."
"Why does it even matter?"
Puck didn't say anything but he closed the space between them and presses his lips against hers, hard and its desperate. He placed one hand against her cheek, the other tangled in her hair. He'd wanted to do that for weeks and it felt so good to finally feel again what it felt like to kiss Rachel Berry. He smiled into her mouth when he felt her kiss him back and chose that moment to break from her, his hand still in her hair. Puck leaned his forehead against Rachel's and whispered, "That's why it matters."
It only took Rachel a minute to regain herself and pull away from the boy in front of her.
"Noah…"
"You need to know Rachel."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you needed to know."
"Noah, I'm dating Finn. You're going to do this to him…again?"
"No. If Finn is what you want Rachel, then I'm not going to cause a scene. But you just needed to know."
Rachel was getting frustrated with Puck's constant repetition of that phrase. She 'needed to know' a lot according to Puck. Rachel thought about Puck's words for a moment and attempted to control the heat that was rising to her face despite Puck's vague description, "So what is this? Sexual attraction."
"Damn Rachel no. Though if you'd let me I'd push you against the wall and not let you go until I'd done things that I'm sure the simple mention of would make you blush. These months that we haven't been talking have been unbelievably difficult. If it was just about sex, I could have gotten over it. I could have moved on to the next Cheerio who would put out in a heartbeat, I could have pretended she was Rachel Berry and the whole thing would have been out of my system. But I've actually missed you. Like in a way that I miss you just being there. I missed being able to open up to someone without worrying about someone else finding out and calling me a pussy. I miss listening to you sing in the car on the way to the lake, and those stupid movies and television shows you made me watch. I miss when you come out from underneath the scary Rachel that makes everyone at school look at you funny and you actually become really cool Rach who lets me convince her to watch movies with more sex and violence in them than you want to handle. I really just have missed you."
"Are you saying that you love me?"
"What? No," Puck said quickly, "Maybe a little."
"What are you expecting Noah? I'm with Finn." Rachel repeated.
Puck stood for a moment trying to decide if Rachel bringing up Finn was a blow to his heart or her trying to hide her own feelings, "I'm not expecting anything. But now you know how I feel. And whether we're friends after this or not I hope you can keep this in the friendship confidentiality category. Unless though you feel the same way, at least a little."
"You really can't just be friends with a girl can you?"
"Doesn't look like it."
"So what now?"
"Balls in your court Berry. If you think about it and realize that you're still madly, deeply, stupidly in love with Hudson, I'll bow out gracefully. But if you realize that maybe I'm not in this thing alone, then just come running and I'll be here."
"So that's it?"
"That's it."
"I have to go," Rachel said turning quickly and walking out of the house and back to her car before Puck could get anything else in.
She pulled out of the driveway and began driving back towards her house but half way there, she had to pull over because the tears that were falling from her eyes were making it rather difficult to drive. Rachel pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park and cried similar to how she did the night before. She had always thought that finding out why Noah had pushed her away would have been easier. She never in her wild imagination thought that the conversation she was so determined to have would end with a kiss and a confession of feelings and of love. Rachel tried to control her breathing and the tears that rushed down her face, but only found that it just became harder to breath. She wasn't sure why until it dawned on her, she never said that she didn't love him back. But did she? And the burning of her lips reminded her that for a moment she kissed him back. Was it possible that the feelings that Puck were feeling for her were harbored somewhere deep inside her? That they hadn't appeared yet? Or maybe they had and she was just trying desperately to ignore them. The only thing Rachel knew at that moment was that she was entirely too confused. This was why when her phone rang and Finn's name appeared on the Caller ID, Rachel ignored the call. Finally composing herself, Rachel went back to her house, got back into her pajamas and spent the rest of the day in bed. She knew that she would be able to do know the right thing to do with a little time on her own.
