Mac's world spun as he began CPR on Jack begging Jack to stay with him. The moment he no longer felt a pulse, the darkest hole he'd ever experienced opened inside him and he understood completely why Murdoc had called Jack his anchor. Jack's boundless optimism and complete devotion to Mac no matter what had held his world together for so long. It was because of that friendship that he had even allowed himself to open up again after Pina had died. Without Jack, Mac didn't want to think about where he'd be, one thing he did know though, he would be wallowing in complete hopelessness. Life took everyone he ever cared about away from him. The only exception had been Bozer, but even with him Mac's secret had kept him from opening up fully to Bozer even after the secret was out in the open. If Jack didn't come back to him, Mac didn't think he'd be able to get through it. He knew that the guilt he would carry about Jack being dead because of him coupled with not having the man around to pull him out of the guilt would destroy him. He was the one the Ghost and Murdoc wanted revenge on, not Jack, he'd just been unlucky enough to get attached to Mac and spent too much time around him. As Mac continued CPR a voice inside him whispered that he wouldn't be able to save him, just like Pina, just like his mom and grandfather. There were downsides to having a big brain and this was one of them, he couldn't stop thinking, thinking about all the people he had let down or who had been hurt because of him. Murdoc's mocking words sounded again in his ears, "Could you survive my game without your anchor?" Turns out, Mac thought bitterly, I don't want to.
A gentle, cautious touch on his arm broke into his consciousness. The EOD had finally arrived apparently and defused the bomb as a whole team of paramedics led by Matty, Bozer and Riley had arrived.
************************************************************************************************************* The six hours had been hell on Bozer and Riley. Even Matty felt their weight, though she tried to conceal it. After they had succeeded in negating the larger threat to downtown they had been left with very little to do, but wait. Riley had joined them shortly after they had secured the stadium. Her first question was about what was going on inside.
"We don't know," Matty replied, "they haven't communicated with us in some time. Mac said he didn't know how long his little device would last. Still I wish we could get eyes in there."
Was that concern she detected in Matty's tone, Riley wondered. Matty showing concern would have made Riley smile in any other circumstances, but this time it just warmed her heart. The three of them waited anxiously together for the bomb tech to arrive so they could get to their friends. After what seemed like an eternity, he arrived and after longer than any of them would have preferred he finally succeeded in defusing the bomb.
The second they were given the green light Matty mobilized paramedics and hurried to the house. The sight that greeted them as they finally entered the house would stay with all of them forever. Mac was working furiously and single-mindedly on keeping Jack in the land of the living. Tears tracked down his cheeks as he begged Jack to stay with him. None of them had ever seen Mac like this. He didn't even seem to register their presence so Bozer took it upon himself to approach his best friend. Cautiously, like one might approach an injured wolf, he advanced towards Mac his hand out in a placating manner. When he finally reached his side he put a hand on Mac's shoulder. At his touched Mac jerked back to awareness of his surroundings. He looked around wildly for what had touched him landing on Bozer, before quickly going back to Jack.
"He's gone, Boze" Mac whispered, "he's gone and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I didn't even tell him how much he meant to me."
"He knew Mac," Bozer replied willing Mac to believe him, "he knew I promise, we all did. How much you care about each other has always been very clear to everyone around you and it was to him to."
"What am I supposed to do now?" Mac asked as he lifted his eyes to meet Bozer's again looking completely lost and Bozer had no idea what to tell him.
The paramedics were close by now and one was attempting to take over Jack's care.
"Sir," she pleaded, "please we might still be able to help him."
Her words instantly broke through to Mac and his eyes snapped to hers searching for any indication she might be lying to him. When he didn't see any, he slid away from Jack and let her get to work.
Mac wouldn't take his eyes off Jack as the paramedics swarmed him, each trying every method they knew to save him. A complete sense of defeat filled Mac with numbness. There was nothing they could do and there was nothing Mac hated more than feeling useless when someone he cared about was in danger. He fell back against the wall and felt all of his energy leave him as all of the adrenaline that had been coursing through him dissipated. However, one phrase instantly restored some of his energy.
"We have a pulse. Quick load him up."
He didn't know how they'd done it, but they had brought Jack back. Hope flooded his body and made him dizzy with relief, though he quickly reminded himself that that didn't mean Jack would survive. Hope could be painful, he knew and so he quickly squelched most of it only allowing a small flicker to remain as he followed the gurney to the ambulance. He felt his way being barred from entering the back as the paramedics explained there wasn't room for him. Someone manhandled him away from the ambulance and into a car and heard Matty commanding voice telling him to calm down and focus Jack needed him here in the present not lost in that big brain of his.
