Lily's feeling of isolation, that had been slowly eating away at her all week, increased rapidly that evening, coinciding with the arrival of Vernon's sister, Marge. The woman was hideous, inside and out, big and beefy like her brother. And she brought her dog with her. Ripper, how lovely, Lily thought sarcastically. The smell of the dog made Lily almost as nauseous as the smell of Marge, and she could tell Petunia was feeling the same way. Both of them were furiously sucking on crackers all night. Unfortunately, Lily also knew that Petunia would kick her out of the house before she asked that Ripper be put outside, no matter if the smell made her puke out her guts. After that thought, Lily couldn't eat anymore. Instead, she sat near tears for the duration of Marge's snide comments and rude insinuations that James was a cheating drunk, who was at this moment paying a Piccadilly tart for some fun. Lily wondered if Marge had read that in a book somewhere, before she wondered if Marge could actually read. However, the sad truth is that no matter how hard you try to shut someone out, a night of insults will eventually get to you. Lily's body was shaking with bottled anger as she stared determinedly at the fire. Suddenly, the fire blazed dangerously out if its home for a moment, scorching the mantle piece and some of the floor. Petunia screamed. Vernon shouted, and Marge broke her brandy glass. Lily jumped up from her chair, and the lights flickered. She ran up to the smallest bedroom and slammed the door behind her, before she accidentally crushed Marge's windpipe. She sat down on the bed, but sprang up again the next second. She began to pace the room and hastily shove saltines into her mouth.
I have to get out of this house. I need to feel like I belong. I belong in the Wizarding world. Despite the war, that's my home. My friends are part of the Wizarding world. James is part of the Wizarding world . . . Lily clapped a hand to her stomach, as it curled tightly into knots. Another wave of nausea hit her. She swayed a little, and then it passed.
That's the pattern in which Lily's evening fell into. By one am, she had worked herself into a frenzy. One am, Christmas Eve, that's when the loneliness overpowered her.
Tears rolled freely down her cheeks as she feverishly packed all her belongings into her bag. Every once and a while, a sob would escape her. But she knew what she needed to do.
She needed to leave.
Down in the kitchen, she scribbled a short note of explanation to Petunia and threw all the Muggle money she had down on the counter. Pulling out a paper shopping bag from under the sink, she stuffed it full of saltines, frosted mini-wheats, a can of cubed pineapple, dill pickles, chicken broth, baby carrots, supplies for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sparkling cider. All her favorites.
She had to get back to her world.
By one thirty, Lily was standing on the sidewalk of Privet Dr. feeling both anguished and alive. She was taking deep calming breaths, forcing air into her lungs and trying to steady herself. It wasn't working to well, however. She knew that she could quickly apparate to headquarters, but she figured she'd splinch herself in her current state of emotional bedlam. Thinking warily of her Morning Sickness, but having no other alternative that she could think of, she threw out her wand arm. With a loud bang, the Knight Bus, a purple triple-decker, appeared. At the first sign of magic, Lily all at once felt more relaxed.
When the bus dropped her off in a small town up North, Lily had to dart behind a bush to throw-up. Pregnancy and the Knight Bus, she learned the hard way, do not mix well. When her stomach was back in place, she walked the half a mile to headquarters. The old stone farmhouse and mill popped magically into place, rudely pushing aside a herd of sleeping sheep. Lily dropped her bags in the foyer, automatically feeling at home. Despite the early dawn, a tousled hair and bleary eyed Remus Lupin appeared at the bottom of the staircase in an open dressing gown, t-shirt, and underwear, obviously thinking he was alone. He was headed towards the kitchen and failed to notice Lily watching him. "Nice briefs," she called down the corridor her voice echoing a little. Lupin spun around so quickly, Lily thought he must have broke his neck. Lily burst out laughing.
They ate breakfast together in silence, Lupin holding back his questions for later. Lily volunteered no information. Then she trudged upstairs to her and James' bedroom, and fell into the bed, which seemed so much bigger with no James. She woke up that evening only to eat and endure the stairs of other Order members, before falling back into sleep.
She woke up suddenly Christmas morning, and sat upright quickly. She breathed heavily for a moment, before feeling queasy and trotting off to the bathroom. She couldn't remember if a nightmare had caused her to pull awake so abruptly, or if it was something else. But she had a feeling that something wasn't right.
Lily headed downstairs to the kitchen, where she made herself a PB&J sandwich, and grabbed the bottle of sparkling cider, which she had put a Refilling Charm on. She grabbed a pickle for good measure. She ate slowly and stared off into space, until a small package landed on the table in front of her. She looked up and saw Remus gazing concernedly at her. He smiled at her, and, feeling his friendship, she smiled back. "Ginger candies," he spoke gently, pointing at the package in front of her as he took a seat. "My mum swears by them. Apparently, she had really terrible Morning Sickness, too." He looked slightly amused at the thought, as if it were a private joke.
"Thank you, Remus," Lily smiled again, fingering the package.
He stood up and made himself a cup of tea. As he did so, he said, "I'm going to visit her today being Christmas and what not, and I was wondering if you'd like to join us? She'd love to have you."
"er, maybe . . . let me think about it," she replied, not wanting to explain how she was secretly hoping that James would suddenly arrive. Remus, however, seemed to understand this and did not press her. He sat back down kitty corner from her, and began to watch her intently, as Remus was prone to do. Lily knew what he was doing, because she did it, too. Whenever they spent time together, they liked to people watch and share their thoughts about their victims. Lily's were usually cynical and skeptical, and Remus' were always slightly optimistic. The conversations that erupted from people watching were always very funny. And now, Lily knew, Remus was watching her. She cast him a side long glance.
Finally, he asked what she knew he had been dying to ask since she arrived, "What are doing here, Lily?"
There was no use lying. "I was falling to pieces at my sister's. It's not easy being in a house where everybody hates you for something that's really beyond your control," she explained bitterly, then realized who she said it to, and added softly, "you'll understand that, Remus."
"Mmm," was his response, and, for a second, Lily thought he was upset with her. But then she looked at him to see that he was simply watching her again. She felt slightly nervous. She hadn't lied, but she hadn't told him the whole truth either. She knew it, and she had the distinct impression that Remus knew it, too. "What's really bothering you, Lily?" he asked abruptly.
"James," she heard herself answer, before realizing it. She shot Remus a weak smile. He was waiting patiently for her to continue, knowing she would. Lily tried to decide what about James that was bothering her to address first, when she felt a sudden flare up of anger. "Maybe I'm operating under a delusion, but I believed that as a married couple we were supposed to make our decisions together " she burst.
Remus looked thoughtful. "I think he was trying to protect you," he leveled with her.
Lily grimaced. "I understand that, but I've never liked being protected."
Remus smiled for an instant at the happy memories of school, before falling silent and sober again. "I agree with you," he consented after a while, "James should have discussed your mission status with you before he had Dumbledore switch assignments. And you, Lily my dear, need to tell him this when he gets back."
Lily looked dubious. "I assure you, it won't go over that smooth with him."
"Never said it would," Remus conceded, and gave her another sidelong glance. "That's not all, Lily," he perceived out loud.
Lily shook her head, before beginning slowly, "I miss him. I'm worrying myself sick about what could happen to him. I mean, I know we've been in a lot of terrible situations, but we've always dealt with them together. And now he's off, doing who knows what. And I didn't even tell him I loved him before he left. And now-now I feel so guilty. I just can't wait for him to come home just so I can tell him that I love him, and . . .and . . .," Lily trailed away finally losing the steam she had gained while blabbering.
Lupin reached out and put a hand gently on her shoulder. To her surprise, Lily was beginning to feel much better. Then, the kitchen door flew open with a bang, and Edgar Bones strode in. He spotted Lily and Remus at the table. They were staring at him, clearly worried. He took one deep breath. "Lily, Dumbledore would like a word with you in his office at Hogwarts," he rattled and added, "now. Lupin, you'd better come, too."
"Why? What's wrong," Lily demanded, wondering if her worst fears were being realized. Wondering if she was just dreaming that her worst fears were being realized. She pinched herself while Edgar considered her a moment. It hurt; this was real.
"Lily," Edgar said slowly, "it's James. Something went wrong."
Lily wished she'd remained sitting when Edgar burst into the room as she felt her knees go weak under her. She heard the clatter of chairs being knocked over, and in the next moment she felt the soft fabric of Remus' shirt as he caught her before it all went black.
